Log:

Jun 16 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p
Jun 17 (Wed): Work 9:30a – 5:30p
Jun 18 (Thu): Work 9:30a – 1:30p; Passport application appointment 2:30p
Jun 19 (Fri): Work 11:00a – 5:30p; Important sale

I’m behind on this logging thing. Let’s see what I remember. But I only have 4 minutes to type.

Tuesday: Therapy in the morning, then work. I forget the rest.
Wednesday: Work. Then, hmm. I know Peter + I started a movie online but didn’t finish it because it got too late.
Thursday: Hey hey, work, then made it to my passport application appointment and got everything turned in! I’d even printed myself a map weeks ago when I first set up the appointment! I was brilliant at some point. It all went very smoothly. Peter had taken the day off, and we met out there near where my appointment had been, and had lunch together. Then finished watching a movie online, and practiced music! I didn’t get my sweeping done because it got late.
Friday: I went on a detour before work this morning and had some fun that I can’t describe because it’s location-specific. I walked over 9000 steps before 11a! Then I finally made it to work. What a loooooong day. Nobody is here at the office today and I am feeling very weird, ungrounded, gray, floaty, weak, etc. All that happens when I have a day completely alone. Hate that.

But I’m now on my way to my aunt and uncle’s house, where I am selling a very expensive item (of my uncle’s) via the Internet to someone who seems very nice over email & phone. I’m excited about that. The person is going to restore it and use it, and even promised to send me pics of the products he ends up making with it. Pretty cool.

Got to run, I can’t be late to this. It’s nearly $1000 I’d lose my uncle. Mood for this entire week: 4.7 – 5.4 (it’s been a good week, in spite of some ongoing anxiety because my insurance STILL has me in the appeals process and the month is coming to a close, and I also haven’t heard back about my matriculation paperwork for school! Gah. And some family things. Grandma was just started on morphine, which my entire family on that side takes to mean she is in the final stages of life now. That is shortly before her husband died, he’d had to go onto the extreme pain killers and lose his lucidity to them.)

Log: Jun 13 – 15 (Sat – Mon) Busy

Jun 13 (Sat): Tree planting 9a; Chores; Walking
Jun 14 (Sun): Visit Peter’s folks; Watch the basketball game with my brother
Jun 15 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Uncle’s house after work

Fun with new sketch pad and phone app

Fun with new sketch pad and phone app

I don’t remember Saturday very well. Peter and I walked A LOT (hit 20,000 steps!), but I think the day was mostly about errands. And more specifically, getting my medicines. I had left some at Peter’s place and one was at a pharmacy. We were dog-sitting. Also going to sell an item to someone but she flaked, so that involved some rushing around trying to get places at certain times.

Sunday is easier to remember. We went to Peter’s folks’ place for breakfast and must have been there for a while. Went to an Art supply store and got me the eraser I’ve been wanting, and ended up getting an awesome pencil, a cheapo pencil holder, and a small sketch pad for me, too. Exciting.

Then we had to be back to meet this lady for an item sale again, and this time she did show and paid for the item although she won’t pick it up until a few more days from now. Peter and I made a dinner — I mistakenly thought my brother was joking when he told me he was on a hunger strike. So I assumed he was going to eat dinner with us while watching the basketball game. But it was fun anyway, and more food for me and Peter. We did some sausage and Brussels sprouts, some leftover brown rice, and something else I’m forgetting. Huh. Avocado. Wasn’t there something else? Oh well.

A commercial came on the TV during the game that I thought was so funny, I had a laugh attack. I couldn’t stop. My eyes were watering like crazy, I laughed so hard. We all laughed. I think my brother and I bonded over the horribleness of the commercial and how much it made us NOT want the product. I’m going to keep referencing it with him until it gets very old.

Monday: I’m still trying to be more careful about my morning routine, and it’s a good thing! I had a watch alarm set for “10 minutes until leaving apartment” and that’s what woke us up this morning!! Whoops. Haha. We either slept through his alarm clock or he didn’t set it. So we got up then. I showered and everything (which is still really damn amazing, for me). I had time to drink some tea and eat some bacon he had made, but the rest of breakfast, I took with me.

The rest of Monday is To be continued…

3-Day Mood Ranking: 4.5 – 5.5 (I’m feeling better emotionally again)

Log: May 11 (Mon) First night alone

May 11 (Mon): Work 10:15a – 5:30p; Bring my aunt the jam from “Peter’s” mom, as well as a few flowers and a slice of watermelon, if they look good at the store after work; Vacuum my aunt + uncle’s house; Laundry; Rest; The following:

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: Canned salmon …ALTERED
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s): Romaine lettuce, tomato …ALTERED
*Other: 

To Buy:
*Trail mix, to bring to work
*Lettuce + Tomato
*Flowers for my aunt …SUCCESS
*Watermelon slice for my aunt …SUCCESS

To Do:
*Any time: Update bottom paragraph of resume; Finalize references; Submit along w/ cover letter …UPDATED BUT haven’t submitted
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures

*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

*Any time: Update budget …SUCCESS the next day
*Any time: Schedule dental appt …SUCCESS

Log: This will be my first night alone in a surprisingly long time. I haven’t had much alone time lately, so I’m looking forward to it. If my uncle is in a good mood, I’ll probably chill with him tonight. If he’s not, I’ll be in my room, alone, doing alone things like filing some paperwork I’ve fallen behind on, and catching up on some emails and whatnot. Maybe I’ll read. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll sketch. Maybe I won’t. Maybe or not. 🙂

So we woke up this morning and made breakfast. He made me more quinoa so I’d have a complete protein available today. Then we had a little extra time so we ended up making some eggs and bacon anyway, but I have the quinoa and some home-grown carrots (his mom’s) for lunch. I didn’t put any thought into lunch for today, so it’s just that. I see that I have a PBJ leftover from last Friday in the fridge, too. I’ll be good.

((The “cut” goes here))

UPDATE: After work, I took the train home and grocery shopped for myself and the pick up the watermelon and flowers for my aunt. I made a dinner for myself that wasn’t too tasty until I added sunflower seeds to it. But it looked fancy. It was shredded baby cucumber, green onion, and bell pepper. Then I added some olive oil, rice vinegar, salt, a mix seasoning, and some fresh lemon juice. It was all right but improved with the unsalted sunflower seeds.

Then I cleaned up after myself, washed the dishes that were already in the sink, and ran a load of laundry. Then I sketched (I posted one of them). I went to bed by 11p. I had a terrible anxiety attack while waiting to fall asleep. It started from replaying an innocent conversation I had with Peter or his folks or something, but rapidly spiraled into thinking about my ex and and then remembering the time of the falling apart and then came the emotional torment of the knowledge of things gone wrong and how it could happen and how things were when we thought we’d end up together forever, etc. Moment of panic and being almost unable to survive it. If you’ve never had a panic attack, it’s hard to explain the moment of feeling like you will literally not survive it. A moment of terror like there is no escape. It was not too bad as far as that goes; I still felt able to breathe at least. I don’t know how I stepped out of it fast enough that I was able to calm back down and sleep within another 45 minutes. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4 – 5

CUT FOR SOME TMI GROSSNESS (my throat is not healthy)

Continue reading

Log: Apr 29 (Wed) –got a bit stressed today

Apr 29 (Wed): Work 10:00a – 5:30p, Lunch with Shelly 1p, Go to beach w/ “Peter” 6:40p, Grocery shopping and make food w/ “Peter” 6:30p

The elusive cat

This cat is very shy of me still. He’s come close to me a couple of times. In this photo, he was being quite brave.

Today, “Peter” and I got up around 7:30a to prepare for the day. I needed to be at work by a certain time for a pick-up. So we got ready for the day and enjoyed another amazing home-cooked breakfast (not as elaborate as yesterday, but still amazing to me): I made scrambled eggs, and he made the tea, my non-dairy yogurt with homemade red plum jam swirled into it, and an avocado that I had bought the day before.

We parted ways and I got to work on time. I didn’t have any tasks first thing this morning, so I ended up vacuuming the whole office (it took me 45 minutes and the dust canister was pretty full afterward, so it’s a good thing I did). I also put away the clean dishes, washed the few dirty ones that were in the sink, scrubbed the sink and the counters, and made the coffee. I took the garbage out last night so that was already done. It’s satisfying to do hands-on tasks like that.

I later learned that the pickup had been taken care of by a different coworker earlier in the morning, so although my timely arrival turned out to be non-mandatory after all, I’m glad I was here earlier. I would like to get to work even earlier than this in the future. I’d like to always be here by 9:30a but I’m usually closer to 10:30a or even 11a.

Work has been productive (although now I am at a point where I’m out of tasks; there is a spreadsheet I’ll need to input data into on the horizon but hasn’t been given to me yet). AND I met Shelly for lunch at my favorite nearby restaurant, and that was fun. She gave me some brilliant ideas for my upcoming goal (bring homemade lunches to work for ALL OF MAY). Which leads me to what I really want to discuss: FOOD!!!!!

I’m cutting this and will begin my food discussion as its own post.

***UPDATE*** I am now EXTREMELY anxious. I have not told my uncle that I won’t be home tonight. I wasn’t home last night. And my plan is to not be home tomorrow night, either. I’m super duper anxious. I’ll be leaving soon for “Peter”‘s city, theoretically. I feel like canceling. What if my uncle has been looking forward to seeing me? That’s one anxiety. What if what if what if. A lot of the anxiety is stemming from the fact that I’m breaking my own rule. See, originally, TODAY was when I was headed to “Peter’s” city. We were going to see another of the films of the festival. Only that plan has been cancelled. Music Night was added last night. And instead there is a plan for tonight for heading to the beach. But tomorrow is another film. I have nothing against staying over there three nights in a row. There are no negatives for me, only positives. However, it’s a break in my rules and I’m finding myself very disturbed.

Maybe I should cancel and go home? At home, I would make the food for tonight and leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch. At “Peter’s”, we would assumedly be making the food and then going to the beach? No, there is not time for both. That could be adding to the anxiety. It doesn’t add up, does it. How can I get there by 6:45p, shop for some groceries, make food for tonight and tomorrow (7:15 have shopped, 8:30 have cooked?). Yeah, the numbers don’t add up. Shit.

Okay, I just wrote him, along with my meal plan. Carrots, green beans, brussels sprouts, probably chicken, maybe quinoa. He thinks it sounds delicious. I’m still super anxious, so it’s mostly worry about my uncle that’s eating me alive on the inside right now. *DEEP BREATH* I have to write him. | Okay, I have now written to and heard back from my uncle, and all’s well.

***UPDATE X2*** So the evening actually got a bit stressful! First of all, it was wonderful. We went grocery shopping and I wasn’t thinking clearly but managed to pick up some random ingredients. My recipes weren’t going to work because some of the ingredients didn’t look very good in the store, so I got other, random vegetables and such. I got some super fucking exciting news but I don’t know if I’m ready to share it online yet.

Cooking went all right but ran very long because I was so ill-prepared, had been unable to pull together any sort of plan, and depended on “Peter” for way too much of the executive functioning thinking stuff. I got overwhelmed. I should, next time, only offer to be responsible for a single side-dish. Start smaller.

It ran very late. “Peter” was cooking a chicken in the oven but it ran much longer than he expected. I was exhausted. At some point, I did make myself 2 PBJs to bring for lunch today (and an orange). And I have some rice cakes at the work place, and work has peanut butter, so I can make something edible out of that if I get hungry. Anyway, something stressed me that I did but hadn’t meant to do (too long to explain). So I felt really stressed. I even played a song off my phone then, to help ground me (“Stay With My Brother” by The Botticellis). I played it really quietly for myself, three times through and then was calmer and “Peter” started to play piano for a bit.

Exit building BEFORE tweeting about the fire

Exit building BEFORE tweeting about the fire

We went to bed. Everything was good. I slept like a rock until “Peter” got up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen, where I then heard his roommate. They were there for a while. I wanted to care and I also wanted to sleep, so I didn’t get up. Eventually, I heard his roommate say something in a somewhat upset voice about there being no fire detector in the fucking apartment and something or other, and then he left. I didn’t hear anything else said.

So I finally asked what had happened. It turns out that “Peter” had left a pot of water with chicken bones on the stove, boiling it for a broth, and all of the water had evaporated (I didn’t know there was something boiling on the stove or I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep). So his roommate had smelled something and investigated, and the kitchen was full of smoke. And there were no fire alarms or detectors. So that is very unsafe!!!!! I think his roommate is going to contact the landlord about it today.

“Peter” was upset because his roommate was upset and because it was his mistake, and they hadn’t really gotten to discuss it before his roommate left to sleep at his workplace for the night. I wasn’t upset because I was too tired to be upset. So we had the windows open and fan running, trying to get the smoke and smell out. He was scrubbing the burned pot. We took a journey to bring the compost down to the building’s compost area. I never looked at a clock; it’s easier for me to feel rested if I’m unaware of the time in the middle of the night.

Eventually, we went back to sleep. Today’s Mood Ranking: 3-5-7  (3 from the sudden, intense anxiety before I left work; 7 was only for a short while, after I heard such majorly exciting news)