Well, here I go. I’ll be away from the computer for a couple of weeks. I spent the entire day yesterday attempting to pack but it was overwhelming. Executive function for the … not win. Came in 200th, perhaps?

Anyway, I found a group of people that plays PokémonGO, so when I get back, I’ll be able to meet up with more people for the level 4 raids. Very exciting. Real, human people. I met them the other day and they gave me a plushie Pokéball because they had extra. I like this. They had a bag of battery packs on the ready in case anyone needed one. They’re prepared.

I need to stop picking at my acne. Bandaids are in play. The pictures are going to look awful.

One main issue outstanding: I never signed the paperwork over for my pony. If I die on this trip, there will be some contention over ownership, and that’s not what I want. I should at least write a non-legally-binding letter letting people know my intention to transfer her my pony.

Everything else? If I die, I don’t believe there is anything else that would be difficult to clear up. So, I just need to write out my letter of intention and I’ll be good to go on this trip with perhaps lighter shoulders.

Cheers, all.

Log: Aug 20 – Sep 11 (Thu – Fri) SCHOOL and life

This log is for Aug 20 – Sep 11. I’ll be as brief as possible. A LOT has happened but I’m so consumed by school right now, I just haven’t had the chance to write or do anything else at all, really.

Aug 20, R: School. Work. Stayed late, talking with someone from another company in the building. Ate out w/Peter (actually, he picked up food for us and we technically ate it at home) when we both got home; it was very late by then.

Aug 21, F: Work. Peter worked from home in order to be there when the furniture was dropped off. It seems like SO long ago now. SO long ago. That was my wardrobe and our new bed. It all arrived in many boxes. It looks like we ate out for dinner; I must have gotten back late again.

Aug 22, Sat: Put together wardrobe and …? Dinner w/ Peter’s folks, I believe.
Aug 23, Sun: Put together wardrobe and …? Cat sitting still

Aug 24, M: School. Brother in Fiji with his gf. Fell asleep in class inspite of caffeine. Went to get keys for another cat-sitting job; ate out there (it had gotten late again).

Aug 25, T: School. Work, I think. I learned what a percent sign means. You can laugh, but I’m serious.

Aug 26, W: Falling asleep in school again. Math homework and Accounting homework.

Aug 27, R: School. Work. I went home while Peter cat-sat until very late; the cat was too upset to keep food down at first, so Peter had to stay many hours until he was calm enough to eat and play a little.

Aug 28, F: Work. Went to Aunt and Uncle’s house for a while afterward. Then home.

Aug 29 + 30, Sat+Sun: Went on an overnight road trip with Peter, his mom, his sister and her bf. Very fun and many neat beaches! Peter quizzed me on Accounting when we were in the car.

Aug 31, M: My first Accounting test. I got a 90% on it. Termination dust has arrived for my folks, who live so far away from me. I took some really cute selfies of me and one of the cats.

Sep 1, T: School. Worked from home (really only had to do some faxing). Pollen is killing my sinuses.

Sep 2, W: School. Couldn’t stop bugging Peter because he seemed ‘off’ and I couldn’t stop worrying. He had a virus or something. I kept trying to figure out how it was my fault that he wasn’t feeling well. It’s a sickness in me. I need to get that under control!!! Stayed at school until late, doing more homework.

Sep 3, R: School. Peter took the day as a Sick Day. After my classes, I took the train to my workplace but ate at a restaurant before starting work. I had a margarita and work was much better then. Ate dinner out, too. Feel terribly guilty and anxious for eating out so frequently lately, but we’re getting home so late & I’ve been too tired to think of helping cook.

Sep 4, F: Work. Peter had the day off and came with me. He did work and such while I worked. We went to my aunt & uncle’s afterward.

Sep 5+6, Sat+Sun: Saturday…I can’t recall. Sunday, I did more homework with Peter’s help. Then we hurriedly got ingredients and made the dish I’d promised for the BBQ that evening at my aunt & uncle’s house. My aunt and uncle were there, as well as my brother and his gf. It’s kind of stressful. I don’t know how to be around everyone. My uncle is one way, my brother is another way. My aunt is another way. I get confused.

Sep 7, M: Looks like it was a major study day for me.

Sep 8, T: School. My first real Math exam! I got a 100%! I didn’t feel happy or anything upon doing so well. I’m worried that I’m depressed. Then remembered I had an Accounting test the next day, and absolutely panicked. Peter helped me for hours to study for the test and try to remember all of the homeworks I’ve done for it, but I was panicking so much, my mind was a complete blank. I think this is when I decided Peter must be getting really frustrated with me. And started obsessing that all of this study time together would change our relationship dynamic and put him as a tutor and me as a student instead of 2 people in an equal relationship.

Sep 9, W: School. My 2nd Accounting test. I got a 100% but was shaking the whole time. I blame part of that on the cup of coffee that morning — since then, I’m off coffee. Stayed at school late, doing homework. Helped make a simple pasta dinner.

Sep 10, R: School. I finally got caught up in one of my computer classes! FINALLY! I worked from home again, thanks to remote access to my work computer! WHEW. I’m too exhausted to keep doing the back-and-forth between school and work — they are not in the same city. I don’t know how people do it. Anyway, after school, I got AHEAD in my Math homework! Yay! But last night, as we were trying to fall asleep, I started to nit-pick on Peter. I don’t know what was bugging me. I started saying how I felt like we were not talking much lately (I meant about serious or relationship things, or something), and I felt emotionally disconnected, etc. I then said something else picky that came out really hurtful. I think that deep down, I am having very bad anxiety issues lately, and so I can’t feel content. I feel like something must be wrong. I have tons and tons and tons of body anxiety and sickness anxiety and I’m terrified to tell anyone in my real life because I don’t want to be [insert a better word for ‘diminished’]. I don’t want people to label me the very stigmatized word of hypochondria. But I have a bad anxiety disorder flairing up right now and don’t know what to do about it.

Sep 11, F: Work today. It hasn’t been busy today. I probably could have left hours ago, but since it’s the only day I’ve come to the office all week, I figured I should stay the whole time. I am sick today with a head cold. I’ve had a sore throat for a week. I thought it was allergies (pollen + cats). For three nights, I’ve had a TERRIBLE time sleeping. I was actually sleeping okay for a while there. But right now, terrible insomnia, and restless leg. The minute my legs stop moving, I start to feel panic and the burning and urge to MOVE them again. I’ve slept on the floor twice again (we haven’t had the time to put the bed together, yet). I’ll post this although I won’t be able to add the many pictures until later, from a different computer.

Log: Jun 13 – 15 (Sat – Mon) Busy

Jun 13 (Sat): Tree planting 9a; Chores; Walking
Jun 14 (Sun): Visit Peter’s folks; Watch the basketball game with my brother
Jun 15 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Uncle’s house after work

Fun with new sketch pad and phone app

Fun with new sketch pad and phone app

I don’t remember Saturday very well. Peter and I walked A LOT (hit 20,000 steps!), but I think the day was mostly about errands. And more specifically, getting my medicines. I had left some at Peter’s place and one was at a pharmacy. We were dog-sitting. Also going to sell an item to someone but she flaked, so that involved some rushing around trying to get places at certain times.

Sunday is easier to remember. We went to Peter’s folks’ place for breakfast and must have been there for a while. Went to an Art supply store and got me the eraser I’ve been wanting, and ended up getting an awesome pencil, a cheapo pencil holder, and a small sketch pad for me, too. Exciting.

Then we had to be back to meet this lady for an item sale again, and this time she did show and paid for the item although she won’t pick it up until a few more days from now. Peter and I made a dinner — I mistakenly thought my brother was joking when he told me he was on a hunger strike. So I assumed he was going to eat dinner with us while watching the basketball game. But it was fun anyway, and more food for me and Peter. We did some sausage and Brussels sprouts, some leftover brown rice, and something else I’m forgetting. Huh. Avocado. Wasn’t there something else? Oh well.

A commercial came on the TV during the game that I thought was so funny, I had a laugh attack. I couldn’t stop. My eyes were watering like crazy, I laughed so hard. We all laughed. I think my brother and I bonded over the horribleness of the commercial and how much it made us NOT want the product. I’m going to keep referencing it with him until it gets very old.

Monday: I’m still trying to be more careful about my morning routine, and it’s a good thing! I had a watch alarm set for “10 minutes until leaving apartment” and that’s what woke us up this morning!! Whoops. Haha. We either slept through his alarm clock or he didn’t set it. So we got up then. I showered and everything (which is still really damn amazing, for me). I had time to drink some tea and eat some bacon he had made, but the rest of breakfast, I took with me.

The rest of Monday is To be continued…

3-Day Mood Ranking: 4.5 – 5.5 (I’m feeling better emotionally again)

Log: Jun 2 + 3 (Tue + Wed) Calm but GI upset

Jun 2 (Tue): (No therapy); Work 11-00a – 5:30p
Jun 3 (Wed): Work 9:00a – 1:30p; Airplane 4p

Thank you for your support, everybody. For those of you who wrote me on my blog, and those of you who contacted me privately, thank you. I was really freaking out about having lost my insurance.

The rest of Monday’s log: By the evening, I had scrapped my then-plans and didn’t go to my uncle’s to get my stuff for packing. I considered: I was feeling so unwell mentally and not able to think, there was no way I was going to be able to pack. Nor would I be able to make myself food. So I went to Peter’s place instead, and we had leftovers there that he heated up for me. I felt so much better after I ate.

But I didn’t sleep. My stomach hurt too much.

Invader Zim Image -- Diarrhea!

Invader Zim Image — Diarrhea!

Tuesday: Getting out of bed was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HARD. I craved sleep. I was so tired. Then the cramping hit. Near the end of my shower, I had to curl over for a minute because the cramping hurt too much to stand up straight. And my whole body was super sensitive. The slightest touch hurt me. But I have a fear of people thinking I’m a hypochondriac so although I mentioned to Peter that I was feeling like I had caught a flu, I went to work anyway.

Yep! Diarrhea! ALLLLLLLL day.

OmfG was I exhausted by the end of the day. I was given an important task late in the afternoon so I couldn’t leave work early. I did leave before finishing, however. I went to my uncle’s house and talked with him for a little while. I hadn’t talked with him in a long time again. Then I gathered the few items I needed from there, and talked with him again. But this time he was angry about his cellphone touch screen not working and threw it on the desk once out of anger and I had some memories and could see it flying across the room and whatnot so I stayed back and let him know I was leaving. I told him to come in to work today so I could see him again before I leave to visit his mom.

Invader Zim -- Yep... Diarrhea!

Invader Zim — Yep… Diarrhea!

Anyway, then I went to Peter’s and it was very late by then. I packed and talked with my mom over the phone, who told me that my grandma has a diagnosis of acute kidney injury. That is different from kidney failure, although I don’t know how. I guess it is not good, whatever it is.

I took 1 mg of clonazepam and some pain medicine and I SLEPT!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAYYYY!! Sleep!

Wednesday: Somehow crawled out of bed with Peter. Showered. I’m all packed. Grabbed some breakfast-to-go because I needed to hit work in time to finish up these reports. I’m feeling fine emotionally, and haven’t had any GI issues yet — that could be because all I’ve eaten since yesterday morning is PBJ’s. But I’m drinking electrolyte fluids and whatnot. Got to finish up some work stuff and then head to the airport. Health insurance issues will have to wait for me. Signing up for classes will have to wait for me (I got accepted at least — have a student email address already and everything!).

UPDATE: Okay! Here we goooo! (Shutting down, doing the dishes, and heading to the airport!) ‘Later everyone!

Caution: Turbo Tax hidden fees

For those of you in the USA, it’s getting to be tax season.

I just completed mine and had a horrible experience with Turbo Tax right at the very end.

First of all, I’m not that complicated. I can get by with the Free version. But… one of my documents this year was special and required a special form… oops, there’s $35 to upgrade to the next level. Okay, I can stomach that. But what’s this? Here, AFTER FINISHING ALL OF THE FEDERAL TAXES AND ALL OF THE STATE TAXES, which took me 3 full evenings to complete (and now it’s the middle of the night tonight), Turbo Tax SUDDENLY informs me that to use any of the State information I’ve just completed, I must pay another $37. If I don’t pay, I will have to begin the State Taxes again from scratch, by myself. So shit, fine, take more of my money. [You know, Turbo Tax, if you had been honest up front, I could have made an informed decision to choose your product over another method. I probably would have chosen you anyway. But now you’ve left a bitter, bitter taste in my mouth.]

Here’s where I really got pissed at them. AFTER you’ve elected to shell out a now minimum $71.98 you weren’t planning on spending in the first place, and after you’ve previewed all of your documents and are ready to file, you have a chance to select which method of payment to use for the amount you owe. If you select credit card, as I did, they tell you there will be a small “convenience fee”. Okay, I can stomach a small fee. So you go to the next page and there are all of the typical, happy boxes for filling out your credit card information. AT THE VERY, VERY BOTTOM OF THE PAGE, IN FINE PRINT, AND GRAYED OUT, YOU WILL FIND THE FEE INFORMATION.

NO. IT ISN’T A SMALL FEE. It is something like 2.49% of what you owe. I’m not kidding. I owed over $2000 [that’s less than I was expecting, thankfully], so that was not a small fee. I would have paid a $50+ “convenience fee” just to use a credit card, and they barely even tell you! If you aren’t LOOKING for it, you wouldn’t have seen it at all! (No, I did not choose that method of payment.)

So for those of you getting ready to start your taxes, just be aware. Turbo Tax is not being up-front this year. It did save me money compared with going in to a professional tax preparation company, but I will certainly keep my eyes open for new options come next year.

New Mission: Mornings Will Be Positive (OR BUST)


Flower on a rainy day

Initial note: I slept in today’s clothes last night. It was very uncomfortable. I didn’t sleep well. But it was a success. I only delayed in bed for 1 hour before getting up and heading to work.

So, in light of some of my recent posts and readings involving some extra acknowledgement that my moods are indeed quite sensitive, it occurred to me this morning, why not USE THAT in the morning?!? Eh?!? Use it FOR ME instead of AGAINST ME?!?

  • So tomorrow, I’m going to get some happy music playing. Why not?
  • This morning, I actually allowed myself to pull out a Calvin & Hobbs comic book.

I’m game to try most anything to turn these horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible mornings around. I’ll use meh sensitivities if this will help!

  • Heck, I actually had an urge to pick up the guitar and start practicing (but it was too far away and too chilly out of the bed).

I really feel like I’m on to something with acknowledging that my moods are indeed quite sensitive. I remember asking one of my favorite counselors in the year post-College if she thought I was bipolar. She said no but that [insert something to the effect of my emotions are quite sensitive]. But I never knew if she was lying to me or not because she already knew that at that point, I planned on killing myself if I was bipolar or any of the other things then listed as “incurable”. I could handle the diagnosis now. I still 80% expect it, truthfully. But really, I feel like I’m getting closer to understanding something important. But then, maybe this feeling is part of mental illness. It’s certainly not the first time I’ve felt this way in my life. Like, on the verge of some kind of 
epiphany or something very important. But what if I really am? Or, what if it’s part of a sickness. lol 🙂