I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

Scaup

Scaup

This is all for “Joe” who encouraged me to finish the conversation we’d started like a week or two ago, but I’d stopped due to a shutdown back then.

I was in a complete funk all morning today. Part of it was the cold I’ve had since mid-last week. Part of it was having gotten maybe an hour of sleep last night due to extreme insomnia. Part of it was hiking for six hours yesterday. Part of it was an emotional crash after yesterday. Part of it has been my confusion regarding relationships.

But now everything is in the air. Or cleared from the air. However that goes. The air is clear. Thank god.

As you guys can tell from my recent poems, my brain had gotten hooked on the guy I’ve ill-labeled “shy guy” (really need a different fake name). Like seriously fucking hooked. My poems are all part of my attempts to break it.

I’m going into the following because of the trigger and still wanting to process it more:

So I’m going to see if I can get things back in balance. Because with me, obsessive thinking is just not damn healthy. And I was not sharing it on here and I was not sharing it with “Joe”, because I was so afraid of hurting his feelings. Because “Joe” and I had been dating (non-exclusively). I also went on some dates with non-“Shy Guy” (who also dates non-exclusively right now). One day, I ended up having non-“Shy Guy” stay over (not planned), but it broke my typical communication routine with “Joe”. He had a bit of an anxiety attack that evening/night. I read some of his texts in the way I would have read my ex’s at a certain point and my anxiety sky-rocketed.

It may have delayed our next-day plans, too. So I went over and we tried to talk about things but I shut down. He happened to ask a question (or a few) that were identical to ones I have heard before, from my ex, during a bad scenario. So it was exactly, for me, as if I was back, having done such an incredibly bad thing, such an intense situation, so many questions that could never end because he could never be satisfied, obviously; how could he be, in that scenario? And not allowed to leave for the threat of suicide, and the concussion he gave himself as he did allow me to clear the doorway and stand outside looking in, unable to breathe in there any more. Then later came the stalking, gun-purchasing, death-threats, property destruction, more suicide threats, etc. Life’s a bitch. For everyone involved. The pain I caused. The pain you caused. The pain he caused. Life’s a bitch.

In real life, “Joe” and I are fine now. ❤ Everything’s in the open and the scenario is nothing like the one with my ex. It was just triggered for me because of a few similarities but was actually completely different.

I feel so much better and also less obsessive about non-“Shy Guy”. Maybe it was made worse by not having anybody to talk with about it. I feel way more balanced and grounded right now.

The emotional crash I was referring to is that I had gone on another hike with non-“Shy Guy” and some of his friends yesterday. I was not going to miss it even though I was/am sick. It was a six-hour hike and I saw salamanders and large banana slugs and other neat things. We all went to dinner as a group after we made it back to the main city (lots of driving). Dinner was at 9 or 10, I’m thinking. (My god I have blown my budget this month. 😥 ) I am not allowed, by my relatives, to take public transportation once it is so late, so I stayed the night with non-“Shy Guy”. I really like it, but I couldn’t sleep. I had terrible insomnia. I probably should have taken pain medicine, but a lot of it is my restless leg syndrome. It’s very hard for me to get comfortable and stay put. Every night, I spin, virtually always clockwise if you are looking at the top of my head. My legs can stay in a position for a short while, but then I **HAVE** to move.

Anyway. I got side tracked. I was trying to describe an intense scenario I get too wrapped up in – the pressure of fitting in with others, the pressure of saying appropriate things at appropriate times, the pressure of not going too long in silence because I didn’t want to be the one they all talk about later as, “Well SHE’S boring. No personality at all.” (Maybe I just know too many rude people, but that really does happen!) So PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE and that alone creates an extremely emotionally intense scenario for me. Then there are other social considerations for staying the night with someone you really like but don’t actually know that well yet. And then the not sleeping but trying desperately to hold somewhat still so as to let the other person sleep. Impossible. Then the morning, and trying to help cook the eggs while he does the bacon and rushing a bit because he is meeting more people for another hike, and has invited me and “Joe” but I declined, and damn good thing considering how sore I am today. In the end, the food was great but I accidently left mine behind on the counter, as well as my leftovers from last night and also a bag of gf chips I hadn’t opened yet but my uncle had suggested I bring for the hike (in the end, we all brought so much food, it was unnecessary).

Anyway, then there is the sudden aloneness and travel back home, and it’s a huge emotional crash. Like so much intensity and a whole ‘nother world and exploration and social trials, and I change then.

That was a line I omitted from one of the poems. /I try to understand you./ I try and …/ I didn’t finish that line. The ending is, I try, and I become you. That’s what happens. I can’t understand another person without becoming them. That’s what the rest of that poem was about — all of my old dreams shoved aside and broken, because I’ve started to morph into something/someone else. I hate that.

Whatever happens, happens. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Work is killing me with stress again. I do NOT WANT to go to work tomorrow. Some really stressful things are happening technology-wise there. I won’t go into it.

The growth is back on my tongue today. I see my tongue every day because I am supposed to use a tongue scraper on it every day. Today, it’s back. I am telling myself that it’s the mucus from my head cold, and the snorkeling of mucus I’m doing to clear out my sinuses and such, that has irritated it and caused this to return. I hope it goes away. It’s physically uncomfortable.

So yeah. That’s my head as of now. Kind of fucked up. I wonder if I’m capable of having a topic in my head that ISN’T obsessive? And if this is how I will always be, will I learn how to deal with them (obsessive-only topics) in a healthier way? For now?–Oh, well. I’m too tired to worry about the future. Tomorrow, I will work. Then, I will talk with “Joe” and I MUST do some vacuuming. I need to catch up on this month’s budget, too.

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One brief moment to process the weekend.

Tree

Tree

Hi all,
This will be a difficult weekend to process. Unfortunately, I will not share all of the details here. So I’m not sure how to process what I cannot admit. I will lay on the bare bones structure.

On Saturday, I volunteered time to help prune city trees again. I love it. I love the upbeat people, I love that we are helping take care of trees that haven’t seen care in three years, and I love the interactions with the neighborhood folk in the various areas I’ve seen so far – many people become very engaged with us as we work on the trees in front of their and their neighbors’ houses.

I will make a special note of a group of young men who, perhaps being high at the time, were QUITE concerned with protecting the trees of “their” street. My group’s leader did such an amazing job of explaining exactly what we’re doing and the reasons (how it helps the trees in the long run), the connection with the different programs involved, etc. Meanwhile, one of the young men in the backseat of the car started naming some of the tree limbs that were marked for removal. He named one limb after himself and started to shout out the car window: “OH NOOO, MY ARM! MY ARM! DON’T TAKE MY ARM!” Meanwhile flailing his arm out the car window, along with saying all kinds of stuff that had me cracking up. He named the next limb God. You can imagine how that went, perhaps.

Okay, back to my story. Then, I and one other person went walking around the city. I walked until I had a blister on my foot but still didn’t feel like stopping, which is odd for me. But it was such a beautiful day. In the end, we decided to visit a dog park, so I suggested that it would be a pity to view a dog park without dogs, so we walked to retrieve my aunt and uncle’s dogs. By this point, it was sunset. The dogs had a BLAST. I am not sure if it was a safe decision to stay out so late, in hindsight, but everyone we met was very friendly. It was completely dark before we returned the dogs home. I would never stay out after dark by myself, but I suppose I felt safe because I was not alone and we had two large dogs.

Sunday, I was due for a challenging conversation with someone I had stressed out quite a lot. I shut down partway through so I am afraid it is not complete. But I think the stress has dispersed. Of course, a moment of how person had dealt with the stress triggered me because the scenario seemed suddenly identical to a very terrible scenario between me and my ex. So I am having some difficulties processing this still. I have the lingering feeling of having done something so terrible and unmentionable. Yet I can SEE that the reality is that the worst thing I did was to be unclear about when I would and would not be available to respond to texts and cause a lot of worry for my personal safety as well as anxiety for a change in the normal texting routine and communication. The rest is something else entirely, and I think a very natural human reaction in spite of the spoken rules of open dating, which is not something I am very familiar with to begin with.

Although I do not mean to hurt anybody, my typical nature is very prone to hurting other people. I lose track of time when I am in the present moment. I forget obligations and other versions of reality. It’s like where I am is where I am, and everything else is somehow on pause. | But it’s not. I hear about it. How many times have I upset my mom because I failed to check in at times when she was concerned for my safety? How many times did my “the one” “soulmate” express to me the sorrow and loneliness he felt because I was part of all kinds of activity clubs on campus and wasn’t sitting at my computer Messengering him? He was THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME ON THE PLANET (aside from my folks, too), and I couldn’t drag myself out of the present moment to spend that quality time with him that he needed. (I did Messenger and phone call with him most nights, and I hand-wrote him all day long, but I don’t think I ever actually sent most of the letters, and the Messengers and calls were so late at night, I was too exhausted to connect very well. There were other issues as well.)

So is hearing that someone was worried sick about me new to me? No, I have stressed people out before. (I’m not excusing it.) But this had some additional circumstances that makes it much more complex and I don’t know how to process the entire thing quite yet.

I won’t be processing it tonight. I am, in fact, not quite myself tonight. It would be hard to explain, but I do not feel like the same person tonight as I was just a few days ago. How to explain to people in your life that you will not be connecting with them in the same way at this moment, because you(me) are a different person right now?

Maybe everyone around you feels hollow and puppet-like, to boot. So you can feel no emotional connection to them. Something could probably catch fire next to me and I’d hardly find it out of place, now that I think of it. Self-protection mode? Check. Dissociation? Yup.

P.S. Friday: I walked 17,000 steps after music practice. (Oh! I forgot to mention another music practice! I played poorly but it was nice.)
Saturday: I walked 25,300 steps!!! That is a crazy-big number, for me.
Sunday: I bicycled a little.

P.P.S. I do not know what from, but I have bruises all over my body right now. They started to develop last Wednesday. I don’t know what from; I was not helping move anything that day. I would have understood if they had developed after Monday, when I was helping move things, or even Tuesday, when I helped carry some heavy items. But nothing on Wednesday that would explain this. One in particular is very large.

Poem: The Wolves

You’re running
Your feet beat the path
One, Two, One, Two
You can do this
With your chest tightening
And your stomach burning
You have no choice but to succeed.

The wolves pad softly behind you
Working out a method, rounding a corner here and there
You can’t chance a peek behind but now and again, you hear a twig snap and the dead leaves rustle at their feet.

One, Two, One, Two
Your lungs scream for air
You’re focused like never before
Pump your arms forward
Pull yourself forward with every swing of your legs
Your heart hammers *it’s too much, it’s too fast!*
You will succeed because you have no choice.

–innerdragon

Not my most “up” day, perhaps. (Journal#052)

I cracked open my laptop tonight to see if writing a post would help me feel better. I may have had an anxiety attack a little bit ago. I’m not sure. Tears were involved. I’m actually not much of a cryer so it’s always a big deal to me when I cry. It means something is off, either my blood sugar, menstruation, or a bit of an anxiety attack.

So here goes my exploration. First of all, Saturday. Saturday, I did what I’d intended to do. I rested. I napped. I rested some more. I think I did chores that evening. Sunday, I spent most of it with “Joe”. We watched tons more episodes of Star Trek TNG and we went on a walk. I’ll admit to you guys that we may have snuggled on the sofa while watching. All G-rated, but his arms were definitely around me and my head was resting on his chest and I didn’t want to ever move again. Ever. Complete. Bliss. If I could freeze those moments in time and just let the rest of my life play out like that, I would. Nothing more and nothing less.

This might sound positive but it is not. I don’t know if I’ll be able to put to words. something extremely important and desperate. something that does not deserve to live in me but it is there and will rear its head whenever and however it damn well pleases.

Desperation.

Desperation. Forgive me, I may offend as I try to type this. I don’t know what I’ll say or how this is going to come out.

All I can do is say PTSD. How else could I possibly describe it.

In my second year of college, I was starting my mental breakdown. It went on through the whole year, getting progressively worse the entire time.

There came a time when I consciously realized the desperation that had grown within me. At lunch, I would sit with a group of people in the cafeteria. I would sit with them. I would stare at them. I would try to memorize them and their presence with me and their company. I was desperate. I would not go for food any longer; every second spent getting food was a second not spent with them. I would begin to cry when one of them would have to leave to go back and study, attend class, etc. The loneliness.

It got to where I would begin to cry preemptively. Lunch would have just begun and I would burst into tears because I knew they would all have to leave shortly. I cannot put this into words strongly enough to convey. I would have done anything. What did I have to lose anymore by that point? I was desperate for company and did not attain it.

But also, I could not. Because even if someone tried to spend a moment with me, I was wracked with the loneliness and knowledge that they’d be leaving shortly.

THERE IS A WAY IN WHICH COMPANY WORSENS IT. It gives me that taste again. It gives me something to miss again. In many ways, it is easiest and best to be alone. Because otherwise, this neurotic part of me can rise again.

Well it did today. Tonight, I was so lonely I cried. And I wanted a hug. And I wanted company. And I don’t want to be alone right now.

The higher the high, the more painful the fall. I have had this now for over a decade. How did it subside long enough for me to date and marry? I don’t understand.

I thought, perhaps tonight I was triggered because I had just finished filling out a psychiatric history form for a psychiatrist I am finally going to see. But I did perhaps an overly-thorough job of going back all the way to the first time I was diagnosed with anything, and going forward from there, which means I did give a quick mention to that year of college and the time following.

Will this loneliness-I-would-kill-for-companionship feeling go away? Please, please let there be some way of letting this feeling die once and for all.

It’s a loop, too. It fuels itself. Because guess what keeps people away quite easily? Being neurotic. So my desperation for you, once I can no longer hide it, will be the very thing that keeps you away, fueling my desire to sacrifice any and all aspects of myself for companionship.

And, once it is in full swing, this is not something that will leave my head. I will not be able to think of anything else during the 24hr day. I mean this literally. It’s never occurred to me before now, but perhaps there is some OCD in there as well. As is, these are reasons I do not trust myself and I think I am dangerous to others (because I HAVE gone through times when I would say and do anything. Lie. Be someone different. Set aside anything Real for just one moment of time with someone). But I wonder now, if I were to consider it anymore as nothing more than an intrusive thought, maybe I could treat it as such. It feels more Real and more Tangible and more Controlling than that, but maybe, just maybe that’s all it is now. I wonder if I can think of it that way. I wish to God[] I could be normal and have normal, healthy relationships.

[[P.S. I was still in tears when I cracked open my laptop to try and explore this topic here, but before I started this post, I read all of the beautiful, so kind comments on my previous posts. ❤ ❤ I didn’t feel as lonely then. Thank you, everybody! ❤ ]]

Cannot. Sleep. (Journal#039)

It’s 5:11 a.m. and I cannot sleep. I’ve been trying since around 1 a.m. It’s ironic, because I had even set aside a really complicated sketch I was working on for the sake of sleep.

I guess I am too nervous about tomorrow. I’m flying out tomorrow, for my grandpa’s memorial.

  • I have issues with executive functioning, so packing is always an issue.
    • My mom did talk me through some of it over the phone earlier. But in truth, I only gathered some clothes so far. I couldn’t bring my mind to think about it.
  • I’m flying. Which brings up its own bag of worms (actually, I’d like a bag of worms).
    • My worst-ever panic attack occurred on an airplane.
      • It was before I had accepted any anti-anxiety medicines (STUPID!).
      • The flight attendants offered me oxygen.
    • Although before that happened, flying was my favorite thing to do and I dreamed of being a then-called stewardess, one panic attack can change all of that.
    • Now I always feel really pleased with myself if I make it through a flight without taking anxiety medicine. (Why do I torture myself with trying it?! I can go from handling it to being scared out of my pants in about 1 second flat.)
  • I’m just scared.
    • Of the change in routine, I guess.
    • Scared of the unknown.
    • Seeing people I don’t normally get to see.
    • Attending a memorial I haven’t mentally prepared for yet.
    • I never submitted any of my memories of him for the book they’re preparing. 😦
  • I’m getting up in 2 hours for a doctor appointment. I apparently decided, why make a normal appointment for half the price when I can instead wait to the last second before travel and see an urgent care doctor for extra$$$ for something that’s been bugging me for two months??!
    • Maybe after the appointment, I can finish packing and then NAP until my flight, since I’m obviously not going to get a whole lot of sleeping in between now and my appointment.

I’ve been down again lately. It feels like it’s gone on forever, but maybe I’m mistaken.

I don’t want to ever step foot back at work again. I’ve definitely got a “thing” about that place now.

My other contract is ending at the end of this month. Actually, that means my mom won’t let me nap tomorrow because she’ll insist I work on that contract… which would be the ethically correct thing to do. But I’m so scared about the fact that I can’t sleep. I didn’t do too badly on that contract, but the time period’s nearly over and there’s still like a day’s worth of work to do on it. Two days if I’m unproductive.

Please let me out of this job. I don’t want to ever go back. One of my aunts apparently told my mom that if I can make it through for another month or two, things will be all better. But OMFG WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH ONE OR TWO MORE MONTHS of it?! (2 reasons: One, the pay is better than most other jobs I could get, and two, I could opt for significantly cheaper health insurance through it)

I haven’t really written here that there’s been a helluva lot of inner turmoil at work. A helluva lot. It’s basically destroyed my home life. For the past however long it’s been, that’s what all the yelling and crap has been about – it’s all been work related. And when there wasn’t yelling, my uncle had stopped being able to talk with me or anything because he had to focus on contracts and all sorts of things he had to research. He didn’t tell me what was going on, and in fact did try to hide the yelling from me at first, but frankly when the walls shake from your voice, there’s no hiding it. That’s when I put in the earplugs and whatnot.

But I can’t take it. You’ve changed. I’m depressed. I’m scared of work, scared of the turmoil, scared of people resenting each other and doing things behind other people’s backs. Scared of the fact that one of them told several of the other employees what’s going on but I was still in the dark, as I was supposed to be (it really isn’t my business as an employee there). Sick. I’m just sick. I’m literally getting over my virus.

But I’m more than physically sick. I feel like all the light and all the hope of this life is just gone. Like I have nothing to look forward to again. Like every moment is a torment and I can’t feel rest and I can’t feel secure and I can’t feel loved. Listless and pointless.

But I’m glad I took Bailey to the dog park today. I needed the exercise (I had slept for virtually 4 days straight without a speck of exercise). But I feel so sick to my stomach right now. Bailey was very good with all of the different dogs and all of the people…except for her ability to sniff out each person who had treats. Silly food hog. It was cute, but I literally had to take her to the other side of the dog park because this really nice lady wouldn’t stop giving her treats! (Bailey has a fat-roll issue, for those wondering why that would be a problem. 😉 )

Don’t read on if you’re emetophobic or otherwise squeamish: Continue reading

Rough nights, journal post (Journal#032)

Gull

Gull

My dreams have been so messed up lately. Partly, I think it’s because I’ve been in some pain (GI pain and muscle soreness/aches, who ever knows why). But I’ve been dreaming a lot about my ex husband and it is kind of rough. They aren’t the happy memories. They aren’t even from the marriage itself. They’re from the falling apart. There were some very terrible things that happened. I called the police on him probably four times altogether, although it didn’t help. He needed help but wasn’t accepting it at that point.

If I could wipe out certain memories, it would be everything from that time period. Some of it was so heartbreakingly sad. Some scary. So much intensity and terrible things happening with our emotions. Then comes in the guilt and sorrow. All kinds of yuck.

I would wipe it out, no second guessing about it. Gone. Poof. I don’t want this to be a shadow that follows me, out of sight but always in the corner. If a single memory ACTUALLY surfaces, I’m instantly on the verge of tears. Who wants that?! And how do you get the fuck RID of it permanently?

Normally I love my dreams at night. But these are not so fun. If I have two nights of them in a row, I get afraid to go to bed the third night, because it leaves such an awful feeling.

I’ve been SO TIRED lately, my uncle is suggesting I go back to being an hourly employee and just work half days!!!!!!!!! I will consider that. I’ve been going to bed within an hour of getting home from work lately, and I am just so tired.

BUT I’m also messing with my Synthroid dose lately. I can’t keep missing my antidepressants so I’m taking them altogether again now, in the morning. That means I am not getting as much Synthroid, because it binds to the other medicines and the food I’m eating. I am going to continue doing this and then eventually get more bloodwork done, and have my dosage adjusted from there, if needed.

And I’ve had a chronic sore throat for like two months. It goes away a little bit sometimes, but then comes back. I don’t know what’s going on with that. I tend toward a bit of paranoia so it’s on my radar of things to worry about (I’m 4% convinced it’s throat cancer).

Update: I’m 75% convinced it’s oral thrush, actually. Over the past two months, I’ve been swishing/drinking cider vinegar (diluted). YUCK. But within about three days, it seems to help each time. But then it just comes back, so I don’t know. I’m not smoking but I do eat sugars and I also tend to breathe with my mouth open at night (because my nose swells shut due to allergies). So there are two things that could contribute to it. But I don’t know. I broke out the vinegar again tonight, just in case. I’ve decided that if it does go away within three days but comes back again, I’ll finally see a doctor (who has $$$ or that?!). Every time it comes back, my throat hurts too, always on the left side only. When I drink the vinegar, it burns there, too, but not on the other side. The body is weird.

I probably shouldn’t have read through this entire document, but my 75% certainty is now about 25%. LOL

“A Guide To Common Oral Lesions” for dentists. 🙂 http://dentistry.umkc.edu/Practicing_Communities/asset/OralLesions.pdf

Downward: Deleting my phone pictures (Topic#026)

The Ice

The Ice

**UPDATE** Now that I realize I have a flu, I’m quite relieved! All of the negativity of the week (and all the weird headaches I’ve had all week, and the total exhaustion) will all get better as soon as I am healthy again! I will be back to my more chipper self soon enough! Whew! I’m headed home from work early today, and will go straight for my jammies and a pile of blankets! ❤ ❤ **

My phone has been too full for me to take any more photographs with it, which is a problem. I’ve deleted every app I can, plus many songs, and still no space.

So I finally downloaded the pictures onto a computer and burned them to a disc, so I will have them in storage.

That is good, but it became time to delete them from my phone. There are some that make me very happy to see, and I wanted to keep them. So it meant going through the pictures one by one to select the ones I wanted to delete.

I just deleted at least 1200 photographs. It just got more and more painful. These are photos from the past six years, in some cases. These are photos of the happy moments, like my ex husband hugging his cat. Or the time we went ice skating in a wind storm and blew all over the lake, and I photographed it the whole time and it was so much fun. I am crying now & feel so alone. I know it’s silly, because they’re on DISC. But somehow, it is very distressing to delete from phone.

I wanted to delete all of these because how else can I stop thoughts of that time period from entering my mind? If I think about what I did to bring the marriage down, it is more painful than I can bear. But I WANT to have pictures of my cat on my phone. The cats stayed with my ex husband. But I have so many pictures of them that I love so much. Yet if I see them, I am brought back to that time period, and that’s not healthy.

So I think I’d better delete the cat pictures, too. I suspect I should even delete the horse pictures from then, because those pictures remind me of that time period, too. But I loved those horses so much and I want to be able to see them when I want. But I think it would be healthiest if I delete everything from before I moved HERE, so I can really be starting fresh. It’s just SO OOUUCCHHYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But maybe in a month from now, I wouldn’t miss the pictures and would be glad I removed the reminders from my easy vision?

The truth is, I’ve been EXHAUSTED this week (I fell asleep while talking with my TaskRabbit again this morning!!). And every since my mom mentioned “that time period” (the things I did to bring down the marriage), it’s been kind of on my mind too often. (And I’ve had headaches all week, feel stiff and sore, and feel very nauseous at present. Maybe I caught a flu, which could explain the yucko mood).

As I walk down the streets here, I keep thinking I see my ex-father-in-law. Which is very distressing because he has cancer and I don’t even know if he’s okay right now, and I can’t ask anybody. I wish I could stop thinking I see him. It’s strange how many people around here look very much like him.

I have also started thinking more about my ex husband and that time period. I don’t WANT to but I’m not sure how to shut off the thoughts now that they are open. It is so painful!

So how can I get out of this funk in the short term? I’ll try to ignore my phone for a while, forgetting about the pictures. I’ll listen to some music (see my list of “grounding” music on my Music page — I’ll be choosing from that list!). I’ll get some exercise later. I’ll put away my clean clothes and maybe vacuum again. Productivity will help me feel better. [I’m not sure why, but WP just made me re-create my paragraph breaks again. I don’t know if I placed them in the same spots they were originally.]