Log: May 9 + 10 (Sat + Sun) Mother’s Day Weekend

May 9 (Sat): At aunt & uncle’s house w/”Peter”; Went to beach, dinner out

May 10 (Sun): Spend day w/ “Peter’s” folks

Beach

Beach

On Saturday, “Peter” and I were again too tired for the tree planting and stayed at my aunt + uncle’s house in the morning. We spent a long time washing down their old kayaks and prepping them to sell online. While we were doing that, my brother showed up. I was really surprised; I had no idea he was going to be coming over.

He and my uncle had plans for oyster shooters. The three guys did that. My aunt and I did not (but I took pictures). “Peter” tried one and then he and I left for a beach. We got there around sunset (although it was cloudy) and walked around. It was really pretty. I’ll have to post a couple of pictures. Then we had dinner out there. It had a neat atmosphere, with a view of the waves, even as the sky got darker and darker. I laughed too hard and blew out our candle and asked our waiter to re-light it for me.

(Eating gluten free and being extremely lactose intolerant has been a real pain in the ass lately, by the way. It is just so damn inconvenient. I don’t want to have to keep making a fuss. Maybe I should try to avoid eating at other people’s homes.)

Trees

Trees

Sunday: “Peter” and his dad made breakfast for his mom. I doubt I helped much. I did help dry dishes when I could. I learned a lot of cooking tips. We all chatted. It was nice. We went on a walk in a nearby treed park steep hill area, as a hike. I don’t know how to describe it. The trees were really pretty and there were a lot of neat wildflowers. We spotted poison oak, a few birds and no other wild life. I FaceTimed my mom briefly but she was about to leave for the airport.

Dinner w/ his folks and it was wonderful. I’m being brief because I’m exhausted. I learned so much today; I wish I could write it all down so that I don’t forget it, but I’m just too tired to remember right now. Anyway. I have a lot to get done still. I hope tomorrow will not be too busy, so that I can catch up on some of my to-dos. I should probably list them out again.

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Log: Apr 21 (Tue) willpower is kind of sad

Apr 21 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a, Work 10a – 5:30p, Lunch with Shelly unknown time @unknown location, Evening lake walk with Shelly 5:30p @lake, Dinner with brother 7p @his apartment

Baby Canadian Geese

Baby Canadian Geese

Today is sad. This is because I promised myself that I would spend tonight alone. I didn’t hear from “Peter” for most of yesterday, but halfway through today he did invite me to play music tonight.

I had to say no. Because I promised myself. And I made plans with Shelly to go walking around a lake (I need to leave right now; I’ll keep her waiting otherwise). But tomorrow won’t work either, because he has Book Club. So I won’t see him again until Thursday. I know, that is not far from now. But it feels far.

But I have a lot to get done anyway. THERE IS JUST SO DAMN MUCH I NEED TO GET ACCOMPLISHED this week, preferably.

I’m caught up at work still, so that’s something. Okay, I have to get bicycling to my meeting spot. I am probably going to delay her a bit, as I’m not sure how long this ride is going to take. More later, all. (Don’t sound so enthused…)

More babies

More babies

UPDATE: Okay, so I walked half the lake with Shelly and it was really fun and I got some neat pictures of baby Canadian Geese. They were adorable. The adults scared the living daylights out of some poor dogs whose owners were oblivious to the fact that they were jogging their dogs right past these babies. The adults didn’t mind humans coming close, but would hiss and run at all of the dogs. I also got to see a rat but my picture came out blurry. He was cute.

Then I met my brother at his apartment. We were there for a short time, and then ate out at a nearby restaurant. Everything was pleasant and great. Then we returned to his apartment to gather our stuff to head to our uncle’s place, and that’s when the typical lecturing started. I don’t remember the exact starting moment. I think I made the mistake of expressing excitement about some of my future plans, like finding an apartment/roommate, taking some classes, getting health insurance through a job. That’s what it was. I pointed out that I am back to working enough hours at this job that I qualify for their health insurance. He went into how I fucked it up for 2 months and nobody in their right mind would trust me now, I have a lot to rebuild their trust in me, I need to sound more grateful for my uncle not firing my ass, etc.

Canadian geese

Canadian geese

This sort of thing doesn’t motivate me, as he expects. He says when he fucks up then he’s more motivated to prove himself. That’s not how it works for me. If I think someone is mad at me, I’ll quit and find a different route with fresh people. I’m not going to prove myself. I know I fucked up in January and February. I was pretty badly depressed and unable to get out of bed. I got all of my work done, but I couldn’t keep any kind of normal hours and people certainly don’t have any reason to trust me at this job. So where he expects me to double down and prove myself, I pointed out that I have been doing fine ever since then. I’m getting to work, I’m keeping up with my work. If they want to distrust me, that’s up to them. He wants me to express more gratitude. That’s what it boiled down to by the end of this lecture. I need to be expressing outwardly how grateful I am not to have to work 3 jobs and be on welfare and have kids at home and be barely scraping by. I said fine I’ll go live on a box on the sidewalk. If that’s what he wants to see. Okay maybe that was a knee-jerk reaction but talking with him makes me feel like complete shit when he gets like this. He got really pissed and said I can’t be such a quitter, whining and poor me. Etc etc. It was pretty ugly for a while. I finally pointed out that a lot of my knee-jerk reactions weren’t really what I think, they’re just me being defensive because it feels like he’s attacking me. It went around and around for a while but we both calmed down. Then seemed to figure out the gratitude bit. I get the feeling he’d be happier about me if I make sure my uncle knows how grateful I am for him not firing my ass and throwing me out on the street to boot, and for allowing me this “cushy” job.

Anyway, he fit my bike into his car and we headed back to my uncle’s. He and my uncle chatted a while, drank some alcohol, and I went into the garage to try and figure out what tube to buy for “Peter’s” flat tire. That was my day. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5

Log: Apr 11 and 12 (Sat and Sun)

Apr 11 (Sat): Tree planting w/ “Peter” 9a @location

Apr 12 (Sun): Unknown; REST; Catch up on budgeting and some other chores

Baby Mallard Ducklings

Baby Mallard Ducklings

Did I violate my own rule about not seeing any one person too many days in a week? Possibly. Was it worth it? Yes.

On Saturday, “Peter” and I did the tree planting again. We biked to the meeting site. We actually only planted one tree, added some compost to a bunch of young trees, and our group leader fixed some of the stakes holding up young trees. Then “Peter” and I used loppers and a saw to cut up a lot of the trimmings that someone else had done. I don’t recall the rest of the day too clearly. We must have been on bikes? No, we dropped the bikes off at my aunt + uncle’s place, made ourselves a lunch, and then went out, aha!, on foot and train, to see about getting my laptop fixed. Alas, the store was too busy to help me, so instead we walked around town and visited a park with water. We got to see baby Mallard ducklings.

“Peter” spent the night, and I’m quite sure we woke up my aunt come morning, because she was quite touchy and I feel terribly guilty + anxious about it. I offered her eggs from what we were cooking for breakfast and she replied that all she wanted was solitude. Yipes. So we quietly continued to prepare for the day and then biked to get my thyroid prescription from the pharmacy while I ran a load of laundry. While there, someone obviously tried to take “Peter’s” bike – his lock was cut and some of the inner wires were snipped. Thankfully, they hadn’t made it all the way through. Good thing we had them double-locked as it was.

Then we came back to my aunt and uncle’s, I finished getting my stuff gathered, and we left for his city. We dropped off the bikes to his apartment, walked/trained to the computer store, inquired again about getting my laptop fixed, and this time I have made an appointment for Tuesday. So we are now planning a Music Practice evening this Tuesday, after I get my laptop fixed. Afterward, we went to his mom’s place, coordinated a food order, and then left on foot for a park. It was large and beautiful and I hadn’t expected the park to be how it was. We walked a lot (~17,500 steps), which isn’t quite enough for me to place it under a “hike” on my Goals page. Sunset over a small lake was beautiful. Oh! And I got to experience the bus system and another train system.

We ate with his parents and it got very late. I stayed the night at “Peter’s” apartment. It was interesting because the power went out and I hoped it was all across the city so the stars would be more visible, but instead when I went onto the deck, we got to meet a neighbor’s visitor from Denmark so that was interesting. “Peter’s” roommate also had a friend visiting.

It turned out that I had eaten some dairy last night with his folks, before I realized what I was eating, and so I had too much of a stomach ache to sleep well. Also, there was a lot of cat hair in “Peter’s” room because the cats like to go in there, so I had some coughing issues during the night. He might start keeping the cats out of his room during the day, so that when I stay over, it will be more of an allergen-free area for me.

Ice plant

Ice plant at sunset

“Peter” and I are trying to figure out what will end up being our first conflict. I think it has to happen and I’m rooting for it, so we can see how each other deals with conflict/differing opinions/etc. (Also, he says he has raised his voice when angry at times, so I want to see that in person so I can know if it’s something I can handle or not. I can’t picture it because he’s so gentle, but I’ve learned to believe it when people state what they’re capable of. My ex had warned me of his temper before we got married and I had dismissed it. I’ll never do that again. Granted he had NOT told me that he would break things when angry, but he did warn me that he had a bad temper.) My ex and I were incompatible for resolving conflicts with each other. He got defensive and then I got scared and withdrew and would never, ever bring up the topic again, under any circumstances. So “Peter” and I are trying to explore all of the potentially conflict-rich topics we can. It’s actually very challenging for me– I do not share my opinions on certain topics with anybody, such as abortion. But we explored that topic yesterday. We’ve explored each other’s religion already, too. That is a topic I never, one single time, ever mentioned to my ex. To this day, he still doesn’t know my religious beliefs, which is odd to think about. I also never, ever shared my personal view on abortion with him, although I knew his opinion. I’m such an avoider of conflict, but it’s kind of fun to approach things this way, *trying* to find what will start conflicts so we can see how we’ll resolve them with each other. I’m not going to stay over there tonight, and he’s no longer welcome to stay over on a work night with my aunt + uncle’s, but I will most likely stay over this Tuesday.

And for the sake of balance, I’ll spend tonight on other things. I’ll vacuum my aunt + uncle’s place, for instance. I should dust their main floor first, as well. I haven’t done that in a long time. Maybe I will read a book. Maybe I will sketch. I’ll do something I haven’t done in a while. Weekend’s Mood Ranking: 4-5-6-7

Log: Apr 4 – Apr 8 (Sat – Wed): Bicycling trip with family and friends

Apr 4 – Apr 8 (Sat – Wed): Bicycling trip with family and friends

This is going to be fun to write.

Sunset

Sunset, taken by my brother

Apr 4 (Sat): “Peter” had stayed over after his mom had driven me home from Friday’s Passover dinner. He left early to go pack for this trip and for his upcoming work trip to France. My parents arrived. My mom helped me make my list for packing. I packed. My parents and uncle went out walking. We all somehow got everything gathered and the bikes packed up into the vehicle. My parents, me and “Peter” drove to the location. We got there by evening. My brother and his gf were already out there, touring the area. We dropped off our stuff in our rented room and then we all went out to dinner together, including the family friends we were also meeting there.

After dinner, we returned to the hotel room just as the sun was setting and the sky was beautiful. I asked if we could go on a walk, and we all went. I gave my brother my camera because he is an amazing photographer. I will post at least one pic that he took here. In the late evening, we all went down to the pool area. “Peter” and I swam in the pool. My brother joined for a while, as well, while everyone else went directly to the hot tub. Then we all ended up in the hot tub and chatted with the other folks (strangers) who were staying there.

Scenery

Scenery

Apr 5 (Sun): On this day, my brother and his gf had to leave in the morning because she had to catch an airplane and he had to get ready for work. The rest of our group went out bicycling and the weather was very pleasant. The scenery was beautiful. We crossed many roads, some of which had quite a lot of traffic. We had a view of the agriculture the entire way.

That evening, my mom made us all pizzas on an outdoor grill. She had made me gluten-free dough at Home before she flew down here! She had been planning a pizza night. So “Peter” and I helped shop for and chop up the vegetables and such. The experience was very interesting and fun.

Neat woods

Neat woods

Apr 6 (Mon): Okay, this was my favorite bicycling day. This ride brought us into a sort of valley area and we rode along a very private road alongside a creek. I saw a wild turkey and domestic horses, and a lot of turkey vultures. On this ride, “Peter” and I stopped because I needed to “use the green door” (I just learned that euphemism). Meanwhile, he had sat down against a large rock and taken out his book. So when I came back over, I sat down next to him and he set his book down and we just sat there together for a long time, listening to the birds and the wind and the distant creek and watching the clouds. On our ride back, we felt a few drops of rain. “Peter” was sad that he didn’t get to ride in a downpour, which I’m adding here because of foreshadowing.

I took an excellent picture of my dad entering a stationary outhouse. I know that we all stopped at a neat food place, too, and I locked my helmet to my bike for the first time in my life and that was interesting. This food place happened to have a gluten free area, if I’m putting the pieces together correctly.

I think that we all ate the delicious pizza leftovers for dinner on this night. Then, my mom, a family friend, myself and “Peter” went and played music together in the evening! The family friend had brought her traveling piano and a tenor ukulele with her. My mom and I had brought our recorders and music. We all played various types of music and “Peter” and I got to show my parents some of the songs we’ve been practicing!! It was so much fun!! (And also somewhat nerve-wracking to have an audience.)

A break in the rain

A break in the rain

Apr 7 (Tue): This morning was beautiful and sad. It was, ironically, pouring rain at 4a when “Peter” had to leave. In this short period of time, I had gotten so accustomed to having his constant company (and loving it), and I cried when he drove away in his taxi. But he had to leave for a work conference in France. I’m glad he’d been able to attend for as long as he’d been able to. I went back to my bed alone and moved over to where he’d been sleeping, and went back to sleep. I had trouble waking up later in the morning.

On this day, our group had a late start, due mostly to me, and we drove to our new destination. It was very windy and very rainy. So we went into an interesting building and toured the exhibits there. I bought a small book at the gift shop that I think “Peter” would like to read after I finish with it. I also bought a little pig clip for my uncle, but you’d have to understand the kitchen-pig link for that to make sense.

After our weather app said the weather should start to clear, we got on our bikes and started riding. This time we were in another agricultural area but on very quiet roads. It was lovely and peaceful and … pouring rain. By the time I got back to the car, I could WRING the water out of my shoes. The roads had such deep puddles and we had to keep riding directly through them to get out of the way of traffic on the last stretch. But it was very fun. I think my dad said that this ride had been his favorite of the three.

For dinner, my mom and I whizzed through the grocery store to gather ingredients for tacos/burritos. Another family friend arrived and it was such a joy to hear all of the laughter and catching up. This is one of my dad’s favorite people in the whole world and they just cracked each other up the entire night. Joy. She left late that same night.

Two small birds chasing away a raven

Two small birds chasing away a raven

Apr 8 (Wed): On this morning, I had trouble getting out of bed again, but then we re-packed all of our things and played music together again. It was beautiful. Then we had to say goodbye to our family friends and drive back. We made it back, dumped off our stuff, returned the vehicle, and then I had to go to work for a short time! I showed my parents around my workplace and the surrounding area. I wrote about this already in another post. We walked around a lovely lake and I took a million pictures of birds and flowers and my parents. I’m not sure how this connects, but I know I already wrote about this day somewhere else. Anyway, then we had dinner with my brother near his apartment.

Total Trip Mood Ranking: 5-8

Poem: Winter III

Laying in the snow
On my back
Reaching up to the sky
As the snow is falling down

Just a silver light shining through to me
Just an overhead beam catching every flake
Wind gusts
Softly spin the flakes
Straight down to my cheek
From above
From the side
Wind changing every movement

Open my mouth and
Close my eyes.

Feel the sensation
As the flakes hit my face

The sounds so gentle, so faint.

–innerdragon

Weekend Journal Post

Pedicularis densiflora, Indian warrior

Bad picture of Pedicularis densiflora, Indian warrior. This is a picture of my “real” camera’s display screen – I haven’t figured out how to transfer my pics off of my camera onto my computer (I can’t find the cord).

Preface: If I sound at all negative, it’s just from the exhaustion! This weekend was positive through-and-through.

I haven’t processed this weekend yet. I feel like writing anyway, as I wait for a load of laundry to finish being washed.

On Saturday, I had a wonderful, chill day with “Joe”, and later in the day my brother came over for a BBQ and it all went smoothly. I even got in a small bike ride in the sun.

I feel strange right now. Floaty. It’s not bad. I’m exhausted. There’s the physical exhaustion but it’s more. Today was incredibly stressful socially at times. [I had to take cetirizine earlier because I was allergic to something in the rental car; maybe that’s why I feel a bit floaty now.]

There were six of us total and everybody was extremely nice. They’re from a whole ‘nother world. It’s like this peek into these awesomely accepting, kind, world-wisened people who are completely chill and gentle. I didn’t actually catch which countries everybody was from, and the amount of places the combined total of the six of us has lived was pretty incredible. I definitely felt out of place. It’s the niceness. They weren’t acting contrived in any way; they were genuinely very nice people. I was out of place and the strain to hide it was immense.

Why I’d feel more in place amongst slightly rude people, moody people, people who make jokes I find offensive? People who are embittered and people who judge and people who manipulate? People who won’t notice or care if something really terrible slips out my mouth.

You don’t have to believe me, but there is a pretty fair amount of dark shit that can slip out of me sometimes. I wish I’d just embrace it because the strain of trying to keep it in can be overwhelming sometimes. I think I only let 2 shit things slip out during today, both of which I terribly regret. Two stories. There were a lot of questions during the day (the hike was 4 hours and then there was driving). I suppose I shouldn’t be so upset over just two coming out, but still. There’s honesty and then there’s keeping the social peace, and I am sick and tired of saying things that make anyone’s ears do a double-take. I especially need to work out a more socially-acceptable answer for why I am here and not back Home. My two-sentence answer tends to bring about a very awkward silence. Ugh.

The HIKE was amazing. The weather couldn’t have been much better. The view was amazing. I thought I’d brought way too much water (very heavy) but I ended up drinking every drop. I couldn’t BELIEVE I made it to the top (I did need help getting up part of it; my legs were shot by that point). It was definitely worth it. Great people, great scenery, great weather, great snacks. Some wildflowers and a tree I’ve never seen before.

I’m already sore from head to toe but I’m SO glad I was able to go! I definitely need to keep working out. I’d like to be able to hike a lot more in the next six months.

I have a new current-favorite movie: The Edge of Tomorrow. What’s ironic is that I’ve only seen it in reverse. I saw the ending once, and now I’ve seen it from the early-middle to the end. So hopefully I will catch it from the start some day.

-CUT for IBS TMI (for real)- Continue reading

Great Day

Summary: This was a really great day. I don’t think I had any mood swings, either (so I’m done counting days).

Sleep: I had terrible, terrible nightmares again last night. They were all about my ex trying to kill me again. Very odd.

Morning: I had my alarms set but I failed to respond very much to them; I managed to hit “snooze” a few times and then I nearly missed the tree planting this morning! I would have slept straight through it but for “Joe” calling me when I didn’t respond to any texts saying I was awake. Man, I really thought I had some momentum going for staying awake-ish in the mornings this week. But I won’t beat myself up over it. And a million thanks to “Joe” for that call, because I am so glad I got to attend the tree planting.

Snail on a tree

I think he winked at me

Excerpt(s) from my day: Everybody was so nice and it felt so wonderful to feel like I was helping the community somehow, even if the majority of my help was directed at lopping off the “suckers” and a handful of marked branches on the street-lining adult trees. It was warm and sunny and I actually got slightly sun burned, which is so insane because it’s February, the worst time of winter back Home. My newest friend had shown up, too, so I was not traveling around the city with a bunch of complete strangers. I had a really nice time. And now that I know these members of the group, I hope to attend again soon (although the chance of me getting up on time for it in the future…? We’ll see. I wish to attend Meditation too, and look how that’s been going. But we’ll see! I am hoping that I’m changing my mornings around, even if today was a fail). Later in the day, I got to hang out with “Joe”. I was tired from the morning events and he was tired from the activities of his morning, so it was sooo nice to get to chill out together and watch a little bit more Star Trek TNG. We actually exchanged some candies with each other, even though I’d previously been quite clear about my hatred of VD. I’m glad we had agreed to do that; it turned out to be really sweet (no pun intended, seriously). So in spite of or perhaps because of it being VD (I probably wouldn’t have tried so hard to get to the tree planting otherwise, for instance), it actually turned out to be a really great day. ❤ ❤

Note to dbp49: I even got to talk vermicomposting with one of the ladies whose tree we planted! I will post a picture later on sometime.

Tomorrow: My friend from Meditation is going to join me for a dinner party tomorrow evening. I’m a bit nervous because I haven’t seen her in a while (since I haven’t been attending Meditation and I was out of town the day she spontaneously invited me to lunch). I’m a bit nervous also because there are going to be 17 people attending and there will surely be a lot of alcohol, total strangers to me, and therefore some unpredictability. But then again, I look forward to it because I haven’t seen this friend in such a long time now and she’s so nice. And I’m really excited to speak with a female friend. I feel like that’s really important for me although it’s SO challenging (I don’t tend to know what to say to other females, face-to-face). But she’s super nice and friendly and I’m not too worried about that. I’m more worried about how everything else will go down. So tomorrow, I will get out of bed before 11, and help to CLEAN this house and get it ready for the dinner party. I’d like to throw in a walk if there is time after cleaning (preferably with the dogs).