Brighter

Well all,
Life is weird. Right? Right?? Life is fucking WEIRD. I mean, really. Life is really, really, really weird.

Of course, maybe that’s how it always feel after you’ve just moved. And moved in with your partner’s mother. And your partner has had a crazy work schedule due to a conference that was being held, so you’ve only seen him like once in a week, or at least that’s how it feels.

And part of why it feels that way is because when he was home, at like 11 pm, and you did go to bed, you had to enforce a large space bubble because he was a stranger to you. Because you were dissociating and although you could consciously think back and tell yourself that yes, you have met this person before and actually lived with this person for a while, you don’t know or recognize this person right now. The face and hair are unfamiliar. The mental processes of his brain are unfamiliar.

Monday, I had a test. Today, I had two tests. I think I did well on all three. Yesterday, he and I chatted via text for a brief time during the day. I asked him how he was doing whatwith all this change and such. He said it was hard and he felt like he had lost some of my trust. Yeah, he had. I can’t put my finger on the reason why, but yep. I asked if he was interested in splitting up with me. He said no but that we should talk about things. I suggested we go on a walk & talk later.

I didn’t know it, but he had thought I wanted to go on a walk with him for the sake of breaking up. For me, going on a walk is like my one attempt at repairing things. Because I can’t connect with a person in a house. We connected in the first place outdoors, doing things. That’s where we need to work on repairing things, IMO.

Anyway. So we went on a walk, exploring the residential areas around here. It was a relief to be out, exercising for the first time in how long. We didn’t chat too deeply but we did get into it a little bit. I felt a lot of relief and a little more at peace.

I had been so angry on moving day. SO angry. Because he wasn’t there. He had to be at that horribly-timed conference for work. I was scared. He had taken off the day before to pack, and we had accomplished a lot but weren’t entirely done. So I was gathering up last shreds of items and trying to organize them into boxes but failing repeatedly. I managed to get enough together by the time they arrived.

Ah well. I cry every day. Because I miss the cats so much. I liked both cats but I was really fond of miss Curie, especially. She loved me, too.

My partner’s mum has two cats but I’m not attached to them yet. And I have been sneezing more here, so I’m trying to keep them away a lot. I don’t have to fear getting attached to these cats because after we move out, I expect to still see them each weekend or however often we visit (it’s typically once a weekend).

All of this sounds negative, I expect, but I titled this Brighter and I meant it. I’m feeling a lot better. It was last night that I realized I’d been dissociating a lot since the move. I told him. I don’t know that he understands but I felt better for having put it into words and recognized what was happening.

In spite of moments of going in and out of reality, I actually have found moments of joy in my heart for living here. And that is freaking amazing, that it could happen at all in the midst of so much change and stress and uncertainty. This is very unusual for me. But I have been able to just walk over with my laptop to where my partner’s mum is sitting and watching TV, and just silently sit down and watch with her. We don’t know our relationship yet; as a tenant, I’m probably invading her space. As her son’s girlfriend, it’s probably fine but more chatter would be expected. This uncertain mix suites me much better; maybe she will expect more chatter or more space, i don’t know. But getting to just come in and sit down and have company but not be pressured into speaking is so nice. And I can sit in sunbeams around here. And the area is amazing.

She took me on a walking tour of the neighborhood today. I bought a cute dog card for my dad, from a pet shop we went to. She showed me the entrance to the nearby park. She showed me two little veggie shops and one main grocery store. It was quite a walk but such a relief. I suspect my lack of conversation was noticed at some point but I’m so out of energy for holding up conversations lately. I just don’t know what to say. But I liked the company and I liked getting to see so many things around here.

I saw a Post Office so I can mail out my dad’s super late birthday present soon. We also stopped at an icecream shop that sells vegan icecream, and I bought one and it was amazing. I only meant to eat part of it but I hadn’t realized how long the walk back would take; I ate nearly all of it. The last bite is currently in the freezer.

Sleep is a bit challenging. Well, my partner & I went to bed SUPER late last night because he was helping me study for my tests. I especially requested help for the Math test; I didn’t understand one of the chapters. It paid off; I have my score for it already, and I got a 100%!! But we were SO tired this morning. I’m drained.

I’m probably also feeling hopeful now because my first ever endocrinologist appointment is tomorrow. As always, I hope for mysteries of the universe to be quickly explained and “cured” with a quick, cheap-fix, one-line diagnosis. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Chronic exhaustion… CURED
Lifetime of insomnia and sleep issues… CURED
Depression… CURED
Lethargy… CURED
Exercise aversion… CURED
Lack of motivation… CURED
Anxiety… CURED
Indecisiveness… CURED
Intestinal pain… CURED
Moodiness… CURED
Lack of self-confidence… CURED

ETC!

Well, I am going to go make some tea. Using the teapot I already damaged by forgetting about it. (Yes, I have a new system in place so that doesn’t happen again.) At least she didn’t seem upset with me. That was a rough first day. My gawd it has been stressful, when you think about it.

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So angry.

I’m in the rottenest mood on the planet today. I woke up this way. I probably went to bed this way.

How the hell do you get rid of the “grammarly” icon below? I can’t believe how irritating that is. Every moment I’m typing, it’s coming up with more errors, which I’d have to make an account and sign in to see how it wants me to fix them. Shut. Up.

So last week, a person was hired to be a sort of me at work on the days I’m not there. Great, right?

Except, I come in today and the place is a fucking MESS. The dishes are piled in the sink — oh look, they saved them ALL for me. The coffee pot wasn’t even rinsed, nor were the old grounds dumped out from the top. WTH. There’s ink boxes left out near the printers (put them away in their spot, where you got them out from, which is 3 feet away??). She used my COMPUTER. There’s 3 other computers she could have used. She logged me out and logged herself in to my computer! It’s definitely the day for me to clear off all of my personal shit from this machine and log out my usernames. No more remote-access from home for me — guess she’ll be in charge of the faxing now, although nobody’s asked me to show her how to use the new system. Whatever. I don’t care today.

There’s two giant boxes of printer paper — WHY?! I pre-purchased TONS of paper recently — it’s all nicely filed away beneath the printers — and mine is 100% recycled whereas this shit isn’t even 1% recycled! FAIL.

She knocked over my paper shredder and there’s bits of paper around my chair and such now. Looks like she tried to vacuum it up — the vacuum canister is OVER THE FILL LINE with bits of paper — didn’t even empty out the canister after vacuuming!!! Don’t you know how to treat a Dyson?!

Of course, it doesn’t help that all of this was done in “secret”. As if I couldn’t hear them all whispering from the office next to my little desk? … Right. Um, you know, your door doesn’t seal. It just sort of sits ajar… And I’m like 12 feet away… I can hear you discussing your new hire and discussing what tasks she’s going to replace from me… And yes I do know, despite your whispered assurances that I don’t.

And nobody watered the plant all week. Maybe I can take it with me when I leave, which is going to be quite soon.

My uncle gave me the option, do I want to keep working Fridays or quit altogether so I can focus more on my schoolwork? The money tempted me to stay on, but I’ve never felt comfortable in this job. You guys will remember that. I’ve always dreaded and kind of loathed coming here, without knowing exactly why.

Just get me out of here.

Meanwhile, my bf and I have to move out of our apartment. We’ll move out around November 8th. That’s kind of soon. That’s in about 2 weeks. I’ve been crying randomly since figuring that out. I don’t want to move and I certainly don’t think moving in with his dad for $1500/month is the proper alternative. But is my current spot really worth me using up my life’s savings? Get with it, innerdragon. No. Nothing is worth using up my life savings. It’s just a roof over my head. And a fucking amazing kitchen I’m very comfortable and happy with. And a location directly near the public transit and a very nice grocery store. I can hardly breathe.

I woke up with no interest or positivity possible. No smile. No wanting to open my eyes. Only complaints spoken to my bf. Tears as I’m waiting for my train to take me to work this morning. Thinking about $1500/mo for a tiny room at my bf’s dad’s house where the kitchen is tiny and we’ll all be sharing the same toilet. I won’t have my own freezer. I NEED my own freezer. I can’t feed myself if I don’t have my own freezer. And are they going to be arguing politics a lot? Maybe I’m wrong about that.

It’s just a roof over my head. It’s just plot of building in a location I had no right to grow so damn attached to.

Normally, I look forward to things.

  • Listening to “Welcome to NightVale” podcast
  • Practicing Spanish on DuoLingo’s free app
  • Studying Accounting in the tutoring lab when Greta and others are there
  • Taking random photographs

But this morning? I had nothing. Nothing to get me to open my eyes or out of bed. My bf tried so hard. In the end, I begged for something to look forward to this evening. He suggested we could eat icecream together. That worked. Tonight, he and I are going to eat our pistachio-chocolate dairy-free gelatos we have in our freezer that we picked up some weeks ago from the chocolate shop that’s directly outside of our apartment.

I think I need to be gone during the moving process. Maybe I could begin packing right away, and then I will go out of town somehow and just pay for someone to move my things for me. I can’t handle this emotional rollercoaster. Y’all surely remember when I was in charge of moving my workplace, I became quite severely depressed and hopeless. Moving and me DO NOT GO TOGETHER.

I dissociated most of yesterday. That is not my norm. Grammarly is informing me that I have 17 errors worthy of a BOLD, RED CIRCLE IN MY VISUAL FIELD.

Log: Apr 16 (Thu) (Comic#035)

Apr 16 (Thu): Work 9:30a – 5:30p, Music Practice 6p @Peter’s

So apparently the 1 mg of clonazepam I took last night was much too much for me at that time. Because I have no recollection of having written that doggy love poem. Or sketching the accompanying picture. Or saying Hi to my friend, “Joe”, but I have texts proving that I said hi before I went to sleep.

I went to sleep early and was so out of it, I couldn’t bring myself to brush my teeth or use the toilet, or put on clothes. I just fell asleep. My alarm clock didn’t succeed in getting me out of bed this morning, although I did hear it enough to snooze it three times. Then it was suddenly somewhat late in the morning (11ish?) and I hurriedly got ready for work.

I’m still tired. My intestines seem to have finally normalized again (they’ve been off since days ago when I accidentally ate cheese).

I was very productive at work today. I accomplished everything I needed to get done! And I was able to focus on it the whole time, which is amazing. Now I need to wash the dishes and gather the garbage from all of the different cans.

You guys would be proud of me. Days or more ago, I told “Peter” that I hoped I wasn’t intruding by staying the night again that night, and he said not at all, that he’d be just as happy if I moved in altogether. I didn’t really respond, but I was beaming on the inside.

And guess what. I didn’t do it. If ya’ll know me well enough, I don’t follow through on my own personal boundaries very often or very well. My mind changes and moves with the breeze. Of COURSE I want to move in with “Peter” and his roommate. Of COURSE.

But I’m listening to my inner voice instead. It tells me that we haven’t known each other long enough. It tells me that immediate feelings don’t matter. It tells me that I blanked all red flags with my ex because I was too close with him too quickly. It tells me not to repeat past mistakes. It tells me to move more slowly than is my instinct or desire.

Would it remove some of my current stessors? YES!!!
Would it add new ones I can’t predict until doing it? YES

So instead, I am staying over multiple times a week. Flipping locations is very exhausting for me– that is why I drugged myself to sleep early last night. It’s worth it, but it’s exhausting. I don’t want to fuck this up from being impatient.

Of COURSE I could still find something about him that I cannot live with (or more likely, just don’t want to live with). Then where would I be?

… Oh, but it is fun to think about when I have free moments. I think about how the cats would have to be locked out of the bedroom at all times. I think about how I’d run an air filter in there, and also add the allergen barrier bedding. Where would I put my own belongings – which corner could I claim as my space, so I wouldn’t feel like a guest, but that I belong in one location. My laptop. My clothes. My paperwork file. My backpacks. My books wouldn’t be a problem.

I just have a few belongings...

I just have a few belongings…

I’m not moving anywhere; it’s just really, really fun to think about the details of it. I much prefer pondering happy thoughts to the old anxiety-provoking thoughts that used to constantly pop into my head.

Anyway, the rest of today will get logged later. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5-6

P.S. Two new-to-me songs I LOVE:

“The Last Watch” by Stan Rogers

“White Squall” by Stan Rogers ((Very Sad)):