Log: May 23 (Sat) Bleh… until I ate

May 23 (Sat): Unknown

Roses

Roses from today’s walk

Boy did I feel yuck today! I mean, okay I knew from whatever I’d eaten last night that I’d feel yuck today. But it came true. So here’s the log.

I slept in! It’s been SO LONG since I’ve slept in! AHhhh it felt good. But I also felt guilty for it, of course. I got out of bed around 12:30p! I took my meds, I hung around my room for a bit. I finally got dressed, went upstairs, made myself a HUGE breakfast/lunch. Well, it was 3 eggs and 1 bell pepper. It didn’t taste very good, maybe due to my having burned it. I even added extra salt at the end. Maybe it was just too much bell pepper.

Oh well. I had only meant to eat half now and save half for later in the day, but then I decided I was going to go walking so I made myself eat it all. Then I went back down to my room and researched human eye color genetics for a while. Then I re-studied a little bit on horse hair color genetics, which is always fun. Then I studied birth control methods and read some yuck experiences with the copper IUDs which bummed me out because that’s what I was sort of leaning toward. Well hell no! I ain’t touching those things now. Anyway, so I was on the computer researching genetics-related things for a couple of hours.

Then I went out walking to head to a huge grocery store. I only intended to buy a few key items (I can’t afford any more food this month), but it cost fricking $42. $42! It wasn’t even very much stuff. I even put back the milk I’d hoped to buy, didn’t buy any granola, and bought my aunt and uncle just one cartoon of eggs. I bought food for a dinner idea for this-coming Tuesday evening. I also bought food for the next couple of days for myself.

Sandwiches

Sandwich creation

The bread made 7 sandwiches. So I have wrapped them carefully and frozen them. They will go into the freezer at work and be there for my future lunches. These were ham-and-veggie sandwiches. Tomorrow, I am going to buy one more loaf of bread (fucking $7 at this store. Unbelievable. Maybe I will walk to a different store and check their prices). Then I am going to make a batch of Pbj sandwiches to also freeze and bring to work. That way, I will be able to alternate.

The problem is, I am too damn picky!!!!! I could have bought a huge jar of strawberry jam for cheap, but did I??? NOOOOO I just couldn’t do it!!! It was sweetened with high fructose corn syrup and corn syrup.

It’s this shit. Gluten free is $3 a loaf more expensive than regular. I can’t stand it.

I’m going to try adjusting my body back to barley. I’ve been off of it for years, after the allergy testing. But you’re supposed to be able to try adding a thing back into your body slowly after 6 months without. I just never bothered because I felt like I ate healthier without it. But now, I just can’t afford this! It’s RIDICULOUS.

When I finally went entirely gluten-free, it seemed to help a lot of my intestinal issues. So I am scared to try gluten again. But I’m going to do this. Because the WHAT IF I CAN TOLERATE BARLEY NOW and WHAT IF I CAN TOLERATE GLUTEN FOODS NOW heavily, heavily outweighs the benefits of continuing gluten abstinence.

The worst that happens? Some pretty yuck intestinal issues for some unknown amount of time until the gluten responses are gone from my system again. So then I’m back on gluten-free. What’s the best that happens? SAVE MONEY $$$$$. SAVE MONEY $$$$$ SAVE MONEY $$$$$. And be less of a pain in the ass as a guest to other people’s meals and in restaurant scenarios, etc.

I wish the lactase tablets worked for me but they just don’t. So there ain’t no doing for the milk-product avoidance.

Beef, I could probably try building that up for my body too, but I haven’t wanted to. But it *would* be just one more thing not to avoid, which would be a relief. What a pain in the ass — sorry that was cooked in beef broth, I can’t eat that. But on the other hand, what’s the big deal with animal consumption? It’s so much EASIER to eat animals. It saves $$$$ as a consumer, since any “speciality” (not made with beef stock!) or whatever foods can get away with charging twice as much. And it’s easier to just get along in the world around me, to not have things I avoid. But people, why? I just want cheap and easy and not make a big deal or fuss about things. Why that has to mean eating animal meat, I don’t know, but it does. It’s just easier.

I quit bothering with fake cheese years ago. Have you LOOKED at the prices of soy, almond, etc. cheeses? ridICulous. Seriously disheartening. The only time I will splurge on that crap is for pizzas. I love cheese on my pizzas.

Neat flowers

Neat flowers from today’s walk

Okay, enough belly aching. So anyway, I felt really bad today. I had the eggs + bell pepper for brunch. I didn’t eat anything after that until like 8p. Then my uncle had made a little food so I was able to eat some of that (he hasn’t thought I was joining them because he saw all of my sandwich fixings, so really only made enough for him and my aunt, but then he didn’t eat much anyway so there was enough for me to join). Yeah, I felt a lot better after I ate. Then I made my 7 sandwiches for my work lunches.

I got to watch the end of a cutesy movie with my uncle tonight. I fed the dogs, which is the first time in a long time (Bailey is so overweight, it’s hard for me to look at her). They’re both very sweet dogs, and get along so well.

Now it’s extremely late. Oh. My maternal grandma is not well. I’m going to go visit her soon. I can’t expect much for mental cognition; she has pretty bad dementia now. It wasn’t so bad until last year when she had a bad fall. It showed the dementia pretty clearly. She gets very bad when she has a UTI, which she has right now. She gets very confused and also very, very anxious.

But of course none of that matters. She is still my Grandma, even if I see other aspects now than she showed before. Even if there are new aspects now that didn’t exist before. She is still my Grandma and we love her. Everyone grieves for her changes in their own ways. My uncle drinks more. My mom texts more. One of my aunts fixates more on health issues. We all have our own little niche for how we deal, how we focus our attention to something we can focus on with a slight bit less pain.

What the family will become without her, it’s hard to know. She and her late husband were always the Center. She is still the Center. It is hard to imagine what the family will be without her here. I think the siblings are all good at staying in touch with one another. Us cousins haven’t had a central way of meeting in a long time. I still haven’t met a single one of my cousins’ babies, which is really, really sad to me.

Well that’s enough for tonight. Goodnight, all. Today’s Mood Ranking: 3.5 – 5

Log: May 20 – 22 (Wed – Fri) Work Nothingness + Cooking Conversations

May 20 (Wed): Psychiatrist 8:45a – 9:35a @location, Work 10:30a – 5:30p, Dinner w/Peter
May 21 (Thu): Work 10:15a – 5:45p, Dinner w/Peter
May 22 (Fri): Work 9:00a – 5:30p, Aunt + Uncle’s house after work

Crazy flower

Crazy flower

Well this week has been pretty blah at work. I’ve had very few tasks. I’ve kept on the routine stuff likes dishes and vacuuming. Deliveries have been a NIGHTMARE. I literally had to sit out front of the building for 3.5 hours yesterday so as to not miss the UPS delivery of something very, very important. It’s a long, long story but our building’s intercom is broken and UPS drivers are not required to use their personal cellphones, so basically I had to just wait out there or else miss them yet again. And we couldn’t wait to end of day to pick it up from their main base.

Anyway. It’s been so BLAH. I’ve fallen asleep a little yesterday and the day before. I’ve been alone 80% of the time and there’s been nothing to do for about as long as that. I’ve read, I’ve slept, I’ve been online a little bit. You’d think it would be the perfect opportunity to study courses online and whatnot, right? Unfortunately, when I’m unmotivated, I’m SERIOUSLY unmotivated. On those days, I didn’t even do the dishes. I left them for like three days and then did them one more when someone else showed up and I felt a spark of life inside of me again.

I’m not meant to work alone. Y’all have heard this a million, million times from me by now, but I REALLY must find a new job. SERIOUSLY.

The only thing holding me back is — do I want to find a new job or do I want to be a full-time student, in which case the most I’d want from a job is part-time? If I could just focus on student-ing for a year, I think I could have that one Accounting certificate that would qualify me for a lot of the lower-level Accounting jobs, which would satisfy me in the short-middle term.

It’s so hard. It’s hard because I haven’t slept well for 2 nights in a row. I don’t know what’s up. It’s insomnia. Okay, I do sort of know what’s up.

I can’t sleep because Peter is snuggling too close to me at night. His arm has been around me. Which is so damn sweet, I haven’t wanted to say anything. But I can’t sleep while touching someone else. I need room to spin around and kick and reshift my shoulders and my neck and flop my head from one side to the other and back 8 million times a night. So for two nights now, I’ve sacrificed sleep for sweetness. I even took 1 mg of clonazepam before bed last night, but it didn’t help even a little bit. Also the window has been cracked and there have been a lot of sounds of traffic that I’m not used to. But, I have 4 nights in a row now where I will be sleeping alone at my aunt + uncle’s house, so if that’s the only thing stopping me from sleeping, I’ll get caught back up on sleep.

Forget me nots

Forget me nots

Hopefully it’s not because I have been missing so many of my iron tablets that my Restless Leg is worse again. Speaking of which *takes a tablet*. Also, we ate dinner too late again. We started cooking right away after work but I am just so slow and uncertain when it comes to this cooking thing. And I think all I was trying to accomplish was shredding these broccoli stalks. It was taking me forever. I cooked the pasta noodles, too, but he did everything else. Well, I’ll get faster at shredding broccoli the more I try. Part of the problem was the shredder was clogged for a time and I didn’t notice.

Anyway, I think our first serious conversation has been involving cooking. Cooking with him is fun but I want him to be the Master Chef and just tell me what side tasks I can accomplish to help with the whole. He wants me to be the Master Chef half the time even if it just means telling him what to do. Well shit. I suck at taking charge and I hate it to boot (it’s SO STRESSFUL). At least when we practice music together, he has only made me choose the temp and start the pieces a couple of times — just the times where my line actually starts as a solo. It’s so nerve-wracking to be the one in charge. It makes me feel completely insecure and neurotic.

So the cooking has come up as a conversation maybe twice now. Part of my brain did a learned helplessness thing at first — immediately reverted to a feeling of impossibility-I-may-as-well-be-dead-I’ll-never-live-a-normal-life-or-be-able-to-do-the-things-I-need-to-do-or-what-others-expect-of-me.

Well fuck that. I set out a what-if scenario for him. What If we never have an equal 50-50 in the cooking realm. What if I never take charge up to 50% of the time. What if he is always more than 50%. He was okay. I suggested that at the very least, I could be the Master Chef and doing things under his supervision (since I don’t know what in the hell I’m doing in a kitchen, it’s hopeless and impossible-feeling to put me in charge). He was happy with that.

Water

Water

SO that was before, and I may have already written about that conversation. So this time, I can’t remember what came up at first, but there was something about him preferring the idea of each of us taking a certain day — where I asked if one person could be in charge of the main part of the meal, and the other in charge of the sides, since it is too overwhelming for me to try to do all at once in a single night, — but he prefers the idea of it being like one person in charge of a night. So I’ll have to think about that one; I genuinely don’t feel capable of that unless I revert to something very, very basic from my childhood, like pasta and salad. I can do that one as a meal and don’t need help.

But anyway, so we’e also pondered the idea of meal planning for the week to hopefully help save a bit of money at the grocery stores. and just generally have more of an idea of what we’re going to do each night so it doesn’t take as much time to figure out each night.

I then asked how he’d think of the idea of me creating an interactive online spreadsheet for the week. He seemed interested in the idea. Yay spreadsheets. So now I’m excited again and I’m putting in each day and each part of each meal that each of us “is in charge of” — which doesn’t at all mean that the other person isn’t helping with the cooking. For example, when I decided to make the shredded carrot + broccoli slaw thing, I asked him to make the dressing for it because my dressings have historically been disgusting (I didn’t add that part — I just asked him if he’d make it, and he said yes).

Anyway, so I love spreadsheets and they automatically make me very happy. So I feel more hopeful about it at the moment.

***BRB*** Okay, I’m back. It’s been quite a while. I’m home, safe and sound. I had a crappy dinner (a potato I cooked in the microwave and burnt so bad, it became the same color as cardboard and a consistency of… well, not the consistency of what humans typically consume. It tasted all right, though. I had half a bell pepper. I had a spoon of chocolate almond butter. I had a granola bar. A had a B6 + Folic Acid vitamin, just for the heck of it (I happened to see it in a drawer). I had a spoon of icecream. Will I feel good tomorrow? NOPE! I’ll feel exhausted and crabby, but we’ll all know why.

So. there’s a 3 day weekend coming. I have plans for the latter half of Monday. My uncle would like my help with some outdoor chores on Saturday (tomorrow). So it looks like Sunday is the only day up in the air. But there is so much I’d like to do. I’m going to start a whole ‘nother post for this. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5

Log: May 9 + 10 (Sat + Sun) Mother’s Day Weekend

May 9 (Sat): At aunt & uncle’s house w/”Peter”; Went to beach, dinner out

May 10 (Sun): Spend day w/ “Peter’s” folks

Beach

Beach

On Saturday, “Peter” and I were again too tired for the tree planting and stayed at my aunt + uncle’s house in the morning. We spent a long time washing down their old kayaks and prepping them to sell online. While we were doing that, my brother showed up. I was really surprised; I had no idea he was going to be coming over.

He and my uncle had plans for oyster shooters. The three guys did that. My aunt and I did not (but I took pictures). “Peter” tried one and then he and I left for a beach. We got there around sunset (although it was cloudy) and walked around. It was really pretty. I’ll have to post a couple of pictures. Then we had dinner out there. It had a neat atmosphere, with a view of the waves, even as the sky got darker and darker. I laughed too hard and blew out our candle and asked our waiter to re-light it for me.

(Eating gluten free and being extremely lactose intolerant has been a real pain in the ass lately, by the way. It is just so damn inconvenient. I don’t want to have to keep making a fuss. Maybe I should try to avoid eating at other people’s homes.)

Trees

Trees

Sunday: “Peter” and his dad made breakfast for his mom. I doubt I helped much. I did help dry dishes when I could. I learned a lot of cooking tips. We all chatted. It was nice. We went on a walk in a nearby treed park steep hill area, as a hike. I don’t know how to describe it. The trees were really pretty and there were a lot of neat wildflowers. We spotted poison oak, a few birds and no other wild life. I FaceTimed my mom briefly but she was about to leave for the airport.

Dinner w/ his folks and it was wonderful. I’m being brief because I’m exhausted. I learned so much today; I wish I could write it all down so that I don’t forget it, but I’m just too tired to remember right now. Anyway. I have a lot to get done still. I hope tomorrow will not be too busy, so that I can catch up on some of my to-dos. I should probably list them out again.

Log: May 4 (Mon) More on meal plans

May 4 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p, Make dinner with “Peter”, study Accounting for at least a half hour, look up jobs, go to bed by 9:30p (no joke)

I’m beat. I’m exhausted. I’m on the verge of falling apart. You could probably tell by the tone of my previous post — it focused on some negative. I’m just way too tired. I’m going to go to bed early tonight and take some of my clonazepam this time. Must sleep. (You’d think I’d learn to take pain medicine before sleep when I have bad menstrual cramps, but no.)

Work today is okay. I got really mad at one point. It was over “fairness” or justice. Someone said something unfair and I got really mad because of it. I told them why (not that I was mad, just the “why” of what had happened that they had been unfair about). I’m over it now.

These PBJs are AWESOME. What $$$ savers!!!!! Thank goodness. I’m not going to eat out for lunch at all this month. I need to make a big batch of these sandwiches and put them in the freezer.

There’s SOOOO DAMN MUCH I want to DO. But there’s so much all at once that it’s overwhelming and it’s hard to do any of it at all.

Okay. Food plans. I could buy a container of hummus and a baggy of carrots to keep at work for snacks. To supplement the PBJs. And some apples and oranges. That’s all I would ever need for lunch. Breakfast has been eggs. Variable sides: A piece of bacon, a piece of toast with homemade plum jam, slices of apple, slices of orange, sauerkraut, chunks of potato, avocado, dairy-free yogurt. Tea has been a constant.

So breakfast and lunch are pretty well set. Now I need to get control of dinner. This morning, “Peter” suggested salad for dinner and that we’ll stop at the grocery store after work. So I’m trying to figure out salads that would have some protein and fiber (fiber is easy with salad, but the complete protein is not necessarily easy, unless you’re adding meat or something).

These look interesting, except the quinoa one doesn’t really include any fruits or veggies, which seems to contradict her claim that she makes this as a “meal”: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/5-healthy-protein-packed-spring-salad-recipes.html

Complete Proteins (from this site):

  • Quinoa
  • Buckwheat (which is not a wheat and is gluten-free, btw)
  • Hempseed
  • Chia
  • Soy
  • Mycoprotein (Quorn) (sort of kind of a little bit considered a mushroom; often bound with egg whites)
  • Rice-and-beans (OR rice-and-chickpeas OR rice-and-lentils OR pita-and-hummus (can sub a lot of the beans with each other) (can sub rice and wheat and corn with each other))
  • Ezekiel bread (which is delicious but not gf)
  • Seitan (wheat gluten but only if mixed with soy broth, to complete the protein)
  • Spirulina with Grains or Nuts

Interesting and completely random article I stumbled across: http://greatist.com/happiness/why-i-killed-a-chicken

Here’s a random idea that appeals to me: “Use warm cooked quinoa as a breakfast option for a grain that packs more protein than traditional cereals. Combine it with a little milk, applesauce, cinnamon, and a sliced apple for a delicious breakfast.” From this site. This could help me to figure out how to eat something other than eggs every morning.

Soon, I will be leaving, dropping my bike off at “Peter’s”, and then heading to the grocery store. What will I buy for dinner? Think salad. Hmm. I just found the recipe for my old favorite Confetti Rice. Nice. Okay, I’m going to wash the dish and take out the garbage and then leave. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 4-5 (it was a 4 all the way up until all of this food reading and finding that Confetti Rice recipe; now I’m feeling content & fine again; hang on, how am I going to tell my uncle that I’m staying out again tonight? I just know it’s going to upset him at some point out of worry for me — he knows I don’t believe in spending too much time with any one person; I think it’s unhealthy in the long-run. And here I am doing exactly that.) My conscience is eating at me about it a little bit, actually. I know I’m doing the wrong thing and here I am doing it anyway. Why? Why don’t I just contact “Peter” right now and say I’m not coming over tonight?

But honestly I think I’ll get more accomplished if I go. We have plans to make dinner, which itself I consider a HUGE accomplishment for me. HUGE. MAJOR. Changing of the meaning of my life. Then we have plans to do our own solo computer work that we want to do (for me, it will involve about 1 hour of job-searching and at least 30 minutes of studying Accounting, and there are two other computer-related things I want to work on tonight).

If I go to my aunt and uncle’s place (she is home again now), it will be because I feel that I haven’t “caught up” socially with my uncle in over a week and that’s making me very anxious. I’m worried about him anyway, but I just. I don’t know. I feel like I should spend some quiet time with him, chilling in front of a stupid movie, his sports, MMA fighting, whatever it is that’s on. If it’s for me or for him that I want to do this, I couldn’t tell you. But I can tell you that I feel as if I “should” do that very, very soon. Before something bad happens. (What bad thing is going to happen? Is it necessarily “wrong” that I am spending all of this extra time with “Peter” right now? My mood has slipped a little and I’m exhausted, but aside from that, I don’t feel like it’s changing me fundamentally, which is my biggest fear. But maybe it is and I just haven’t caught on yet. And I’m getting SO MUCH accomplished. We’ve done so many things. Helping cook is its own miracle, but all of the walking and stuff that I’ve been doing is another. I’m still motivated for getting out of bed with him and for showering nearly daily and stuff. Things I didn’t think were possible. I really hope those bubbles don’t burst; I hope this will someday just become habit.

FOOD, looking at blood sugar

I’m eating too much. I’m eating too expensively. My blood sugar is crashing during the night. I never know where/when/how my next meal will be, so I’m hoarding snacks (not blood-sugar-friendly ones) and eating out like crazy. This will stop as of tomorrow, which means it has to begin tonight. So here come really random lists to help me organize my brain and thoughts:

WHAT ARE GOOD DINNERS FOR BLOOD SUGAR CONTROL? (not vegan yet)

I’m reading online about blood sugar control. Apparently, carbs matter a lot. I guess that makes sense, since carbohydrates break down into glucose. I’ve never given carbs a second thought before. I’ll need to learn more about them and tracking them down and balancing how many I eat. I have been having too many blood sugar issues lately. It must stop.

Here’s a quote from diabetesforecast.org “That said, if you haven’t figured out your individual plan yet, the general guideline for most adults with diabetes is 45 to 60 grams of carbohydrate per meal, which is three to four carbohydrate choices. A snack would be around 15 to 30 grams of carbs, or one to two choices. That’s just a starting point, however. Your total carb allowance should meet your energy needs, blood glucose targets, and weight management goals.”

FREEZEABLE RECIPES:

Fill 1/2 of your plate with non-starchy vegetables.

What are non-starchy vegetables? From diabetes.org (and I’ll bold ones that I like):

  • Amaranth or Chinese spinach
  • Artichoke
  • Artichoke hearts
  • Asparagus
  • Baby corn
  • Bamboo shoots
  • Beans (green, wax, Italian)
  • Bean sprouts
  • Beets
  • Brussels sprouts
  • Broccoli
  • Cabbage (green, bok choy, Chinese)
  • Carrots
  • Cauliflower
  • Celery
  • Chayote
  • Coleslaw (packaged, no dressing)
  • Cucumber
  • Daikon
  • Eggplant
  • Greens (collard, kale, mustard, turnip)
  • Hearts of palm
  • Jicama
  • Kohlrabi
  • Leeks
  • Mushrooms
  • Okra
  • Onions
  • Pea pods
  • Peppers
  • Radishes
  • Rutabaga
  • Salad greens (chicory, endive, escarole, lettuce, romaine, spinach, arugula, radicchio, watercress)
  • Sprouts
  • Squash (cushaw, summer, crookneck, spaghetti, zucchini)
  • Sugar snap peas
  • Swiss chard
  • Tomato
  • Turnips
  • Water chestnuts
  • Yard-long beans

It happens that I like non-starchy vegetables. This is important information. Tonight is my first meal-planning night. What will I do?

I never thought I would be someone who counts carbs. But I’m damn well sure going to start. I am sick of getting suddenly weak and shaking. I’m sick of waking up drenched in sweat. I’m sick of getting scared between meals and obsessing over what the future meal will hold. This has to stop now and the only way is if I take control of this myself. I can’t rely on anybody else.

If I go to “Peter”‘s: I will eat carrots, green beans, probably chicken or pork chop (not cooked by me). I could also do brussels sprouts.
If I go home: I will eat lettuce, green beans, tofu burger. I should get a tomato and an onion for it. I could theoretically make some quinoa; I already own a dry bag of it.

OCD: Contamination: Food, wasting

It’s finally come to me removing food under the pretense that I will eat it when that is not my real intention.

Why has it come to this, you ask?

(Sadly, these stories will involve meat; if you can’t stomach the thought of people eating meat, please don’t read on. There’s a reason I’m not vegan right now but I won’t go into it yet.) I believe it started with some amazingly-cooked turkey legs that were wrapped in foil and placed in the refrigerator on a night I did not eat at home. There were quite a few legs.

  1. Many legs in fridge
  2. I wasn’t home when they were made and served
  3. I barely touch anything in a fridge to begin with; I certainly won’t touch food that appeared without my having been present
  4. Perhaps 3 or 4 days into their existence in the fridge, it was suggested to me that I eat them
  5. I took 2 with me to work and did eat them for the rest of the week, in spite of them being already past my 3-day-old comfort zone. I was anxious but zapped them in the microwave for a long time, and ate them. (i.e. My anxiety of letting down the cook was higher than my anxiety of intestinal issues.)
  6. There were still more legs in the fridge
  7. 1.5 weeks into it, they were offered to me, and I declined
  8. Same for the next day
  9. And the next day
  10. And I’m sweating bullets trying so hard not to offend the cook but there’s no chance I’m consuming these any more! (How does one politely decline food when it is now being pushed at you with a fair bit of momentum?)
  11. Somewhere after they were 2 weeks old, maybe 2.5 weeks old, they finally disappeared. Of course I feel horrible, but also relieved.

Only, there is a lot more food in the fridge where that came from. I’m learning the patterns. There will not be cooked food in the fridge for periods of time. Then the food shows up in high quantities when it shows up. I cannot consume it all within the 3 days. I wish that I could freeze things so I could spread it out better but there is not enough freezer space.

This is so tragic to me, and so wrong, but I finally broke down and took a bag of ribs with me to work, but not to eat. I’d had a couple of them the night before, and got sick later (probably unrelated). The ribs were already past 3 days old then. So I took a baggy with me to work with the intention to place them in the compost bin. >_< It is so horrible and removes the possibility that someone else at the house would eat them, but I just cannot face the inquisition as to why I won’t touch a food that’s in the fridge. There are still tons more ribs in the fridge and nobody is eating them and they get older every day and I’m still expected to eat them.

There are a couple more items that I will be gradually taking with me to work, for the purpose of disposal. I wish this were not the case. I don’t know what else to do.

Maybe I could purchase a small freezer and sneak it into my room without them noticing it… and without them noticing the additional electricity on their bill…

Hypoglycemia thoughts

I just had a really weird episode of low blood sugar. I was in bed but not asleep yet, and suddenly felt the strange sensation of that lightheadedness/ almost dizziness, and like my face draining of blood (my own anxiety reaction to it). My stomach felt weird, between hunger and nausea, and I felt incredibly shaky inside. I held up my hand but it was steady, so I doubted myself. Sometimes I am told enough times that I’m a hypochondriac (by family) that I start to wonder, you know? So I debated at first, if I should go eat or not. But I did decide to go eat. I felt so weak and shaky, I didn’t know if I could make it upstairs to the kitchen, but I did. I started to get out food but couldn’t think of what to eat because my brain was cloudy. But I did get out food. I sat down to eat it and then the shaking started. My hands were shaking and even my leg was shaking a little.

I thought back, and realized that what I’d eaten for dinner was all stuff that breaks down into sugar really quickly. Normally, I don’t think it would have mattered that much, but since I exercised about a million times more than usual today, it must have turned it into a big deal.

Anyway, I’m back down in bed and it’s been | OMG it’s been nearly an hour since the symptoms started?!?! I’d have guessed maybe 20 minutes. Crazy. Anyway, yeah, I’m back down in bed now and am feeling infinitely better. Sheesh.

UPDATE: It turns out I left the food out afterwards!!! OMFG wasted good food. >_<

Today’s update

Composting wormies!

Composting wormies from VD! As promised for DBP!

I’m saying “today” but technically I mean yesterday. It’s 3:30am and I just can’t sleep. I’ve even taken 1mg of clonazepam but there’s no chance. So, I’m just going to write and read for a while. I have some somewhat soothing music playing now too. –Cut for the boring-as-hell-ness of it.–

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I was never anorexic.

I’m not and have never been anorexic. This post is inspired by the fact that I’m making myself eat breakfast now although it’s lunch time. This hardly EVER happens to me now. Normally I am quite ravenous in the morning, day, and night.

Pre-Elementary school (as if anyone cares, no offense; but this has to be some boring shit): As a small creature, my mum was told I was “almost a failure to thrive” baby. Almost. But I wasn’t. So why did they freak her out like that?

Elementary school: I was a very, extremely picky eater. Certain textures made me gag upon touching with my finger. Like scrambled eggs. No foods could touch. Anything strong-flavored was a ‘no’. I would literally throw up if something was even mildly spicy-hot (not on purpose; just a gag reflex). There were very, very few foods I could eat because of texture aversions. My doctor told my mom that I was on the path to developing an eating disorder and to let me eat whatever I would eat willingly, no matter what, so that I wouldn’t learn a habit of avoiding food. My mum, for a brief time, allowed me to eat what I would eat back then: chicken nuggets and milkshakes. But if I touched even one piece of grisle while chewing, I would literally have to run to the bathroom to spit it out and pray I wouldn’t throw up (I was highly, highly emetophobic back then). Eating was scary in some ways.

Middle school: Two things occurred simultaneously. Firstly, I became extremely depressed. I could no longer feel hunger sensations. Eating was an unpleasant chore. I forced myself to eat while my mom was watching. I literally could not feel hunger signals. Secondly, I learned that if I ate a bare minimal at lunch, I could save up my lunch money to buy a pair of roller blades, which I’d priced out at $100. I would eat dinner when I came home. (I still have those roller blades somewhere…) Addition: I actually used to feel quite nauseous every morning.

High school: Here’s where the shit started. This is where I developed an anxiety for eating in front of other people. I was NOT anorexic but was Soooo often accused of it because I wouldn’t eat with people watching me. It was so humiliating to be accused it in front of my friends and other kids. I would eat PLENTY once I could sneak into a side hallway (but was typically chased out by the vice principal, since it broke school rules). I ate tons. I ate junk and WAY too many refined sugars. I suppose I was a bit obsessive with certain things, like I did always sponge the grease off my pizza with napkins before eating it. But I still ate it and enjoyed it. I didn’t weigh a lot but I ate a ton. I had a fast metabolism. I didn’t have much hunger first thing in the morning (I often felt quite nauseous in the morning), but always ate something sugary and bad for me (toaster stroodles, anyone? with extra icing?).

Wolf snarling over kill

Me during 1st year of college (from gettyimages)

1st Year College: My metabolism changed drastically. I gained 18% of my body weight. I came back with high cholesterol readings. I ate a ton for every meal possible and often guarded my food, envisioning a savage wolf if anyone came near my plate. It was weird. My roommate (who later developed anorexia) said she felt sick watching me eat, and that didn’t phase me. I felt like every meal could be my last. I didn’t even care about drinking the tang with the ants floating around in it, sometimes alive and sometimes dead. My tastes and acceptance and even love of food expanded exponentially.

2nd Year College: Yeah, this year went to shit. Literally. In a whirlwind of ill digestive tract events (I’m STILL convinced I had Giardia after my canoe field trip, even if I tested negative a year later), it appears to have all boiled down to anxiety, stress, and suddenly severe (and previously unheard of) lactose intolerance. I had chronic, every moment diarrhea. I lost all of the weight I had gained the year before.

And THIS is when I came back from college and was placed on my doctor’s anorexia-watch list. It remained on the top page of my folder for a couple of years and was the first topic of interest in every meeting, in spite of the fact that it was completely false. After a couple of years, she must have finally believed me, because there came a time when I didn’t get faced with that upon walking in and didn’t have my weight obsessed over.

I was diagnosed with IBS-D then. Not based on any tests to rule out anything else (except the negative Giardia test), but based on my symptoms.

HEY! I almost forgot to add something really, really important!!!!! Thyroid medication! I went onto thyroid medication around this time and VOILA! Hunger signals! I would not feel hungry in the morning before this. Often, I would feel very nauseous in the morning. Then I would take the thyroid medicine, wait, and it would turn into hunger signals instead!  I ❤ thyroid medicine, btw.

Pre-Marriage: Some year before (or maybe even during) marriage, I finally got so sick and tired of having to go #2 like 7 times while at work each day. (“There she goes to the bathroom -again-. What are you REALLY doing on all of these breaks…?” [believe me, you don’t want to know what’s really happening.]) I tried food-allergy testing and several foods showed up on the delayed-allergy testing. I avoided them religiously and I swear there was a brief time when my intestines were better…

Present Days: …But food allergies are tricky buggers. They can come and go. I could probably wean back on to certain foods I’ve now avoided for years, and I’m probably allergic to new foods in their places. But I don’t have the money to do more tests. Or it’s just the IBS-D. Who the hell knows. I imagine my intestines don’t help my exhaustion in ANY which way, though. Even during the day time, I often writhe around and shift positions to alleviate intestinal discomforts and pain. At night, when I’m not asleep, I often flip over many times as my intestines become uncomfortable if I remain in the same position for very long.

But. I was never anorexic. And I’m not at a low-end weight right now. I’m okay with my weight right now. I do wish some of this weight was muscle instead of the fat that it actually is (about 25% body fat), but yeah, I’ll work on that when I’m not so bloody exhausted all the time.

Sharing some happiness (Journal#033)

[begin boring journal post] This is just another boring journal post. But I want to document this day, too, because I’ve been in a fantastic mood all day, and those deserve their time in the spotlight.

This morning was very INTERESTING. My TaskRabbit called me up for my morning wake-up, and she couldn’t speak! She was totally hoarse from some party she was at last night. I felt so bad for her, trying so hard to talk to me, that I jumped out of bed and went straight to my dresser! Just so I could let her go and not have to talk to me. (I then decided that since I had 2.5 hours of overtime already logged for the week, I let myself lay back down for a little while, and that was fine). But still, the fact that I jumped out of bed with no trouble was very INTERESTING to me… [Soooo, I can get out of bed if it will prevent someone else’s suffering? How can I use THAT as daily motivation? 😛 ]

I’m SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED to the core, but I’m happy. I’ve done work today. I’ve even figured out something to get my aunt and uncle for Christmas, although I don’t know that they celebrate it. And it’s too expensive for me to get on my own, so I’m going to contact my brother and see if he wants to chip in too. It’s something I know they’d really appreciate (and think I’m crazy for buying it for them; it’s something they’ll have to buy some day down the road anyway because I noticed theirs is busted and is the kind of thing they’ll eventually replace).

I skipped lunch again but did snack on peanut butter and GF crackers. So I’m okay. I had a shit breakfast of sugar cereal-so-called-“granola”, and it didn’t kill me today, like it normally does. Or that is aiding to my exhaustion. Either way.

AND I just realized something about five minutes ago – one of my cousins is coming tonight!

I’ve decided that I’m going to start Internet dating again. Yesterday evening, I actually called and spoke with someone I once dated a while back. And it really cheered me up. He has a gentle voice that I could listen to forever. I normally have trouble thinking up questions to ask people, but I came up with a million to ask, if only so I could continue to listen to his voice.

Then at night, before going to bed, my uncle was watching a movie on TV, and I made decision. I walked right over and sat down beside him and rested my head on his shoulder and finished watching the movie with him that way. If I weirded him out, I don’t even care. Physical contact is the best damn anti-depressant there is on the planet for me. I hate that this culture often thinks of physical contact between non-romantic-partners as inappropriate. I can REMEMBER every time I had physical contact between the grades of 6 and 12. I can COUNT it out. That’s how damn important it is to me. It’s up there with food, water and shelter. In fact, I’d rank it higher than food and shelter for me.

I think it’s so stupid that “sex” gets ranked on the needs scale, but not platonic physical contact. I personally think it’s MUCH more of a “need”. People DO survive without sex – there are people who devote their lives that way. But without physical contact of any sort? I’d literally quit life. There would be no hope, no point, no purpose for proceeding. Maybe the shell of my body could technically survive with just the food and water and shelter, but the rest would not. The drive to eat goes away without it. The urge to seek shelter goes away without it. (Sorry, thirst stays #1 for me. 🙂 ).

(Ironically, the sugar crash just hit. I am trembling and weak, but just ate some stuff that will help.)

Again this morning, my uncle suggested I switch to working half time come this January, because I’ve been so exhausted. I probably should.

It’s not funny, but it is an “I told you so” so that’s rewarding. 😉 😉 When he was first pushing me to get a job, after I had been living with them for maybe a month or two already?, I had a HUGE meltdown. I was crying uncontrollably and couldn’t talk about it for a long time. At some point, I told him I was scared shitless of being employed again. Scared because it removes all possibility of life outside of work because I get so exhausted. I did NOT want a job, except a really, really stupid, no-brainer, no-pressure half-time job. So I had a meltdown over the prospect of work. And was so upset about it for at least a week. But then a job opportunity happened along and I couldn’t pass it up! So here I am, working full time and doing absolutely nothing else (except this blog). I haven’t even gone to meditation again because I’ve been too tired. I did text my “friend” that I met there once, though. 🙂 Mostly it was just a thank-you note for her help in encouraging me and teaching me how to take care of my insurance issues. But I had to do something to reach out. I don’t want that contact to die away. If she has any energy, I’m wondering if I could invite her over to my aunt & uncle’s place to visit with me there. They said it would be okay. I just need to get up the nerve to invite her (I have no clue if she would or not). She knits. Maybe I could invite her to a knit-night with me! I can’t remember if I brought my needles with me here or not. :-/

Anyway, yeah, I think that vitamin suggestion is great. I totally screwed up on getting the new health insurance so I’m stuck with the super freaking incredibly expensive one still for now. But the plus side is I’m sure I’ve met my deductible by now and it’s almost time for me to get my bloodwork done. So that should go smoothly. (And I won’t ask the phlebotomist to inject air into my vein this time.) Truthfully, I always hope that it’ll show my thyroid out of wack, because in my dreams, once my thyroid gets to a proper adjustment, I won’t feel tired ever again… It hasn’t happened that way a single time, but I always hope.

I eat my soup straight out of the can without warming it up (because I don’t want to dirty any dishes). I like to pretend I’m eating dog food. If only I just got cheap shit soup, I’d be really happy with myself for saving money on it, too. But I end up getting the GF, vegan soup. My favorite is lentil vegetable.

Now you know. And I’m sure you’re glad of it. 😉 [/end boring journal post]

P.S. I’m super scared about the upcoming holidays period. It’s going to be another party type dinner, I’m sure, and I failed so badly at the last one. Also, it’ll be my first time here for holidays. And then after that, I fly to my grandfather’s memorial. Someday, I want to write a post about 1) flying, 2) why I swear (I actually force myself to swear, even though it might offend some of you. There’s a reason. When I have more time, I want to write it out).

And oh my GOD I am SO SCARED because after the memorial, my dad is coming back with me. But ohmygod my dad, some of you saw the huge post I wrote about him, is mildly on the autism spectrum, more than me, and he can’t read people and he can’t filter and you know my uncle has already been poisoned toward my dad because of what my brother was saying (it’s all in that post). And my mom can’t come, so who will be there to protect him? I’m really scared for him. But I so look forward to spending time with him and getting to show him the places I go around here. But you know what I’m picturing — with the amount of alcohol potentially to be ingested by both him and my uncle, how could it possibly go well? And if politics is brought up, there will be an explosion. Not that my dad is argumentative but his has an opinion period. And my uncle has an opinion period. And they don’t differ that much but it doesn’t even matter when two people Who Have An Opinion Period start on that topic. I need to not worry ahead of time, though, you know? No sense in spending weeks worrying and THEN having something bad happen. May as well have these weeks be smooth first and THEN have the bad happen and deal with it only the once, right? 😉