I didn’t have a clue what to call this one. After doing the barest amount of surfing online, I’ve decided to call it half mental contamination but also half something I made up – associations to people/places/things. It seems similar yet different from the things I’m reading about mental contamination. Maybe you guys will know a better phrase for it.
Wow, it is hard to form my thoughts for this one, because I can’t decide where to begin.
I’m going to use words like “pure” and “unpure” and “tainted”. There
are only two parts of my life for this: Pre-College and Post-College.
Pre-College: From the first day I can remember, I felt “pure” in an indescribable way. I just felt right. Pure. Clean. I was not raised to religion but the Natural world was my church and prayer was daily and there were many things I could do to feel cleansed, much like some religions bathing away sins in holy water, etc. It’s strange to admit this to anyone, and I’m still omitting specifics, but it’s true. I had my own rituals and my own beliefs and I felt special somehow, and important somehow, and clean and like I had a purpose to be here on this planet. I never questioned this and in some ways, I knew EXACTLY who I was. There was something special inside of me.
Post-College: Like I described in my previous post, I returned from my second year of college feeling 100% tainted and no longer supposed to be on this planet. I felt that God wanted me dead, that my purpose was done (whether complete or not) and that anyone I came into contact with, physically or mentally, was getting
contaminated by me too. I felt an urgency to be gone from the world (and was extremely suicidal at this point). I was contaminated inside, afraid to pray for others for fear of contaminating them, and afraid to spread this darkness to others.
I was dissociating all the time for up to two years. The first thing that broke through for me was a stuffed animal dog puppet that I’d had as a child. Literally nothing else broke through to me. Nothing. No person, no thing, nothing else. Just this stuffed animal dog puppet. (I think I’ve discussed this separately in a dissociations post somewhere.) I began to connect with the outer world again by having the dog puppet see things and sort of relay them back to me. It’s like, I could see things only through the safety of the dog puppet’s eyes. So I took him everywhere with me (I also carried a plastic bag and toilet paper everywhere with me, because I was having so much trouble with diarrhea, but that’s a different story).
Anyhoo, so the dog puppet. After the dog puppet, came certain people. Only people I had known from childhood. And later, HERE’S WHAT I FOUND MOST INTERESTING, a certain counselor I saw for less than a year. I had an extremely strong positive association to one particular woman from my childhood. THAT woman highly recommended me this one counselor’s name. And THAT COUNSELOR felt okay to me.
So I learned that I could form a positive association via other associations. Does that make sense? A very, very positively(pure)-associated person from my past actually let a stranger feel pure for me as well.
Armed with this knowledge, I used this process to make sure I “connected” with my dog when I got him. I actually arranged a very convoluted trip for the poor puppy to meet me elsewhere in the country when I was on a vacation. He then traveled with me to another location. He even met my maternal grandma at her old home. Altogether, he met at LEAST 5 of my beloved relatives, not including my own parents. I can’t remember if he also met any of my cousins on that journey.
I connected with him 100%. He is pure in every way and has always been the best decision I ever made. He is 100% pure and nothing I can do, think or say can alter that, because he just is. I cannot taint him.
That’s it. I have connected 100% to nobody and nothing since then. Not even my pony, although I connected with her a little bit, during the time my mom used to come out and visit with me and her. But I lost most of my connection with my pony during marriage.
So here I am today. Dissociating? Very rarely. Pure-feeling? Not a chance. But not as tainted-feeling as I was back when it started. I connect fully to nobody I meet. I’m actually losing the feeling of connection to people I know from my past now, like my aunt and uncle, I guess because I’m learning them in a new way now than when I was a child, and the new versions are not associated with me as a child? I know what I’m trying to say, but explaining it in words is a big challenge. Well, hopefully this has explained it at least a little bit.