Probably need

In truth, I probably need some extra help right now. My stress is up way too high. Interpersonal dynamics are very difficult for me right now. School is at a fairly overwhelming point. Tutoring is still going well but I probably shouldn’t have signed up for the max hours.

My SO’s mom, I haven’t written about this, but she is recovering from a cancer surgery. It was her fourth, distinct type of cancer removed. Nobody knows why she is so prone to having cancer. I don’t mean 4 different instances of the same cancer; I mean quite literally four different types. I’ve been around for two of them being removed; the other two types were removed long before I knew of my SO. She’s amazing. But this one involved part of the last adrenal being removed, so now she is in the process of figuring out proper cortisol dosing and it’s really hard. Sometimes she’s very exhausted.

It has changed the living dynamics, for me. My stress is through the roof. There is the worry, and the knowledge that at least two of the cancer types have a good chance of returning “someday”, and how it’s hard to see how tired she is when knowing her to be always so full of energy and drive at all times, before.

But there are the selfish monster stresses, too. Like when she chooses to cook for all of us, but I’d rather eat dog food than help with cooking, but now she sometimes does ask us to help, and I KNOW it’s the good and right thing to do, but at the same time, I’d really, honestly eat dog food if I had the choice of doing so OR cooking…

Or the times when I’d like to spend an evening with just my SO, but he invites his mum to literally everything we do now. But that’s SOOOO selfish of me. Why wouldn’t he want to see her enjoying the events, too? And why shouldn’t she? She’s been incredibly generous with me the whole time I’ve known her. Maybe he’s worried she won’t be around forever, you know? That’s totally understandable.

Quite frankly, if my folks would only move down here, I’d surely be inviting them to everything, too. I wish I could see them every single day of my life. It’s hard not to.

But the fear still keeps me away; I don’t honestly remember if I ever told any of that online here. Probably not. Since it’s all tied up in my fear.

Mortality is hard.

I suppose we’re all going to die. We’re all already dead. There’s no point in worrying about who is going to die when and first and how painful it’s going to be. I just have to live this every day and know, it’ll happen but every day is … one more bonus day.

Oh yeah. I just re-read the point of this post. I need to actually try to find a psychologist/counselor/whoever. Life is really high-pressure and stressful at this time. I honestly, honestly, honestly, don’t want to fall apart again. Been there, done that, DON’T WANT A REPEAT.

TW: Death of a grandparent

Well, you’ve been warned.

My grandma died today. It was unexpected. She was totally healthy, aside from being high in age. I hadn’t known, but she was even planning, with other relatives, to fly and visit my parents soon.

It’s sad for the living. I wonder how my dad is holding up. She’s his mom. He hadn’t come down last time there was a family get-together. He was going to see her when she came and visited. I can imagine he would have felt like there was still plenty of time; they were both healthy.

She woke up in the morning. She did the things she normally does. She and my mom were playing a word game electronically with each other; Grandma had put out another letter. But then she was found dead in bed.

All of my grandparents are dead now. It’s kind of unreal. Aside from the initial moments of feeling nothing at all, my next reaction is to crave childhood. To want to go back and re-experience all of the trips and be with them again, from the viewpoint of when life seemed stable and everyone around me was set in themselves and so sure. When I had total trust and faith and belief in the adults around me. And it seemed like everything would last forever.

So I want to curl up and listen to old, familiar music. I want to listen to what my grandparents would listen to, but I can’t think of it. I want to drink the drinks I drank when visiting them all, but most have eluded me. I remember one grandpa’s mystery punch. I remember being allowed to drink these really fancy sodas at the other grandparents’ house. I remember their yellowy-vinel-like table cloth on what I remember as a small, round table. There were a lot of animals there.

At one grandparents’ house, I would play lots of card games. My grandma there enjoyed Gin Rummy and would play any card game. My other grandparents used to play Dominos. I know we also played card games together; was it Hearts? I’ll have to ask my parents.

I can’t believe life.

School goes on, classes go on, work goes on. The people around me go on with their own worries and their own viewpoints. But it’s hard. My mind wants to be in the past. I don’t want to be in this moment. I don’t want to go to class; I don’t want to go to work; I don’t want to chat about anything of interest here. I want Family.

Close friends (no)

I’m assuming it’s mostly the Asperger deal but this lack of close friendship is killing me right now. I’m going through a lot internally and I feel so terribly lonely. I wish I had someone to go on walks with, and bike rides. I was bicycling nearly the whole day today, and it was lovely and beautiful and felt good physically, but I’ve entered into a depression as of late and things are pretty hard because of that.