Cut for possible triggers of the hypochondriac-type sort.
Now with 2 updates:
Cut for possible triggers of the hypochondriac-type sort.
Now with 2 updates:
I’m eating too much. I’m eating too expensively. My blood sugar is crashing during the night. I never know where/when/how my next meal will be, so I’m hoarding snacks (not blood-sugar-friendly ones) and eating out like crazy. This will stop as of tomorrow, which means it has to begin tonight. So here come really random lists to help me organize my brain and thoughts:
WHAT ARE GOOD DINNERS FOR BLOOD SUGAR CONTROL? (not vegan yet)
I’m reading online about blood sugar control. Apparently, carbs matter a lot. I guess that makes sense, since carbohydrates break down into glucose. I’ve never given carbs a second thought before. I’ll need to learn more about them and tracking them down and balancing how many I eat. I have been having too many blood sugar issues lately. It must stop.
Here’s a quote from diabetesforecast.org “That said, if you haven’t figured out your individual plan yet, the general guideline for most adults with diabetes is 45 to 60 grams of carbohydrate per meal, which is three to four carbohydrate choices. A snack would be around 15 to 30 grams of carbs, or one to two choices. That’s just a starting point, however. Your total carb allowance should meet your energy needs, blood glucose targets, and weight management goals.”
Fill 1/2 of your plate with non-starchy vegetables.
What are non-starchy vegetables? From diabetes.org (and I’ll bold ones that I like):
It happens that I like non-starchy vegetables. This is important information. Tonight is my first meal-planning night. What will I do?
I never thought I would be someone who counts carbs. But I’m damn well sure going to start. I am sick of getting suddenly weak and shaking. I’m sick of waking up drenched in sweat. I’m sick of getting scared between meals and obsessing over what the future meal will hold. This has to stop now and the only way is if I take control of this myself. I can’t rely on anybody else.
If I go to “Peter”‘s: I will eat carrots, green beans, probably chicken or pork chop (not cooked by me). I could also do brussels sprouts.
If I go home: I will eat lettuce, green beans, tofu burger. I should get a tomato and an onion for it. I could theoretically make some quinoa; I already own a dry bag of it.
Apr 14 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a, Work 10a – 5:30p, Computer appt 7:15p @”Peter’s” city, Music Practice
I made it to therapy (barely; had overslept). I made it to work (probably a half hour late). I made it to the computer appointment in good timing, and I made it to Music Practice. Yay.
It was actually a rough day, however. For an unknown reason, my anxiety level was very high all day. I was productive for half of the day, and unfocused for half (at work). So it was okay. By the time I reached my computer appointment, my anxiety was so high it was beginning to affect my intestines, so I took 0.5mg of lorazepam. It turns out to have been too little, but that’s what I took. I was feeling a bit floaty, too. And shaky.
So it could have been blood sugar. The night before, all I’d had was the small salad. Then that day, I had a gf muffin for breakfast, and then skipped lunch and ate half a can of salmon before leaving work.
But it also could have been from having a therapy appointment early this morning, in which at least 1 potential trigger item was discussed. I felt casual about it enough at the time that I said I’d write up the story of 2nd year of college to her (apparently I still haven’t told her what went down out there). But maybe what I’ll do is check my email to see if I’ve already written it up for someone else before, and that way I won’t actually revisit it emotionally. But, I am leaning toward the anxiety more having come from poor self-feeding and related blood sugar issues.
Anyway, “Peter” and I shopped for ingredients and then he mostly cooked. I did help chop the brussel sprouts (my first time ever chopping brussel sprouts!), and I fed the cats. He cooked everything and it was soooo good. I didn’t know brussel sprouts could be soft inside, and so delicious. I’ll have to try it myself some time.
Then instead of playing music right away, I confessed the weirdness of my mood and how anxious I was feeling & the cycle in my head that was resulting in me feeling really insecure. Like afraid that him seeing me anxious like this would scare him away, which is a nasty internal cycle since that only makes me more anxious/insecure. Anyway, he was fine with it and shared some stories of his own. Then we played music for a while and it was really beautiful. Probably the strange emotions or maybe the lorazepam earlier helped me to connect with the sound coming out of my instrument, and it sounded really musical and pretty. But alas, it got close to 10p and one of his neighbors came by and complained (and didn’t even ask if we have a CD out?! C’mon!). Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-5
I just had a really weird episode of low blood sugar. I was in bed but not asleep yet, and suddenly felt the strange sensation of that lightheadedness/ almost dizziness, and like my face draining of blood (my own anxiety reaction to it). My stomach felt weird, between hunger and nausea, and I felt incredibly shaky inside. I held up my hand but it was steady, so I doubted myself. Sometimes I am told enough times that I’m a hypochondriac (by family) that I start to wonder, you know? So I debated at first, if I should go eat or not. But I did decide to go eat. I felt so weak and shaky, I didn’t know if I could make it upstairs to the kitchen, but I did. I started to get out food but couldn’t think of what to eat because my brain was cloudy. But I did get out food. I sat down to eat it and then the shaking started. My hands were shaking and even my leg was shaking a little.
I thought back, and realized that what I’d eaten for dinner was all stuff that breaks down into sugar really quickly. Normally, I don’t think it would have mattered that much, but since I exercised about a million times more than usual today, it must have turned it into a big deal.
Anyway, I’m back down in bed and it’s been | OMG it’s been nearly an hour since the symptoms started?!?! I’d have guessed maybe 20 minutes. Crazy. Anyway, yeah, I’m back down in bed now and am feeling infinitely better. Sheesh.
UPDATE: It turns out I left the food out afterwards!!! OMFG wasted good food. >_<
I am documenting a Saturday morning yet again, because I just KNOW that one day, a solution is going to come to me!
Here’s the scoop. It’s morning. I actually woke up at 12:30p which is pretty good for me. I’ve only been hanging around in bed for fifteen minutes, that means.
Y’all already know I slept pretty poorly, what with the random anxiety attack 1.5 hours into my sleep. Here’s the graph:
Okay, so I was restless most of the night again (you can find all of this info on my Sleep Experiments menu page, btw, but it’s terribly ugly because WP keeps reformatting my hand-written table HTML code and giving it terribly tall spacing and removing my borders. 😦 )
Anywho, so I’m awake! I can hear their voices upstairs. My cousin is strumming a guitar which is awesome. There’s pacing steps above my head. And here I am, scared to go up there. My thoughts:
Okay, that’s settled then. LOL
BUT what I’m THINKING is — why don’t I start keeping food downstairs?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Isn’t that brilliant?!?!?! If I keep food downstairs, then I wouldn’t have to fear going upstairs because I wouldn’t have to go upstairs! Oh, I’d have to keep some spare medicine down here too!!!! It’s brilliant.
I think that’s going to solve a lot of my morning anxieties!!!
Other tips, all brought to me by my TaskRabbit:
Now there is a raised voice upstairs too. But I’m not too anxious. Probably that’s because of the clonazepam I took in the middle of the night. 🙂 I don’t know how I ever survived without anti-anxiety meds. WOW now he is SHOUTING. SHOUTING. Oh, it’s about sports. Expletives and something about you can’t miss that pass. Thank god for anti-anxiety meds being on board, that’s all I can say, because it’s barely even affecting me. Sweeet.
Okay I’m going to go start my day. I’m going to throw on some random clothes, brush my hair, start my laundry into the dryer, and then brave the upstairs world. Normally I’d be scared, too, about the unknowns of the day, but again, I’ve got some meds on board, and I’m pretty calm about the different prospectives. We might be traveling to a distant city today, which always gives me worry, but I think I’m going to feel okay declining the trip today. I need to stay home and tackle some chores. I haven’t vacuumed in a LONG time! I haven’t done any chores in a LONG time. There’s stuff I need to DO today! Lol. It’s going to be great. I’m going to play some of my favorite musics and just maybe I’ll be all alone because they’re going to the distant city. I don’t know yet if my cousin is going. If he’s going, I’ll want to go too, but I’m still going to refuse. I need to get some crap DONE!
[I was only delayed in bed for 38 minutes!!!! That is really good for me!!!] 😀
[begin boring journal post] This is just another boring journal post. But I want to document this day, too, because I’ve been in a fantastic mood all day, and those deserve their time in the spotlight.
This morning was very INTERESTING. My TaskRabbit called me up for my morning wake-up, and she couldn’t speak! She was totally hoarse from some party she was at last night. I felt so bad for her, trying so hard to talk to me, that I jumped out of bed and went straight to my dresser! Just so I could let her go and not have to talk to me. (I then decided that since I had 2.5 hours of overtime already logged for the week, I let myself lay back down for a little while, and that was fine). But still, the fact that I jumped out of bed with no trouble was very INTERESTING to me… [Soooo, I can get out of bed if it will prevent someone else’s suffering? How can I use THAT as daily motivation? 😛 ]
I’m SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED to the core, but I’m happy. I’ve done work today. I’ve even figured out something to get my aunt and uncle for Christmas, although I don’t know that they celebrate it. And it’s too expensive for me to get on my own, so I’m going to contact my brother and see if he wants to chip in too. It’s something I know they’d really appreciate (and think I’m crazy for buying it for them; it’s something they’ll have to buy some day down the road anyway because I noticed theirs is busted and is the kind of thing they’ll eventually replace).
I skipped lunch again but did snack on peanut butter and GF crackers. So I’m okay. I had a shit breakfast of sugar cereal-so-called-“granola”, and it didn’t kill me today, like it normally does. Or that is aiding to my exhaustion. Either way.
AND I just realized something about five minutes ago – one of my cousins is coming tonight!
I’ve decided that I’m going to start Internet dating again. Yesterday evening, I actually called and spoke with someone I once dated a while back. And it really cheered me up. He has a gentle voice that I could listen to forever. I normally have trouble thinking up questions to ask people, but I came up with a million to ask, if only so I could continue to listen to his voice.
Then at night, before going to bed, my uncle was watching a movie on TV, and I made decision. I walked right over and sat down beside him and rested my head on his shoulder and finished watching the movie with him that way. If I weirded him out, I don’t even care. Physical contact is the best damn anti-depressant there is on the planet for me. I hate that this culture often thinks of physical contact between non-romantic-partners as inappropriate. I can REMEMBER every time I had physical contact between the grades of 6 and 12. I can COUNT it out. That’s how damn important it is to me. It’s up there with food, water and shelter. In fact, I’d rank it higher than food and shelter for me.
I think it’s so stupid that “sex” gets ranked on the needs scale, but not platonic physical contact. I personally think it’s MUCH more of a “need”. People DO survive without sex – there are people who devote their lives that way. But without physical contact of any sort? I’d literally quit life. There would be no hope, no point, no purpose for proceeding. Maybe the shell of my body could technically survive with just the food and water and shelter, but the rest would not. The drive to eat goes away without it. The urge to seek shelter goes away without it. (Sorry, thirst stays #1 for me. 🙂 ).
(Ironically, the sugar crash just hit. I am trembling and weak, but just ate some stuff that will help.)
Again this morning, my uncle suggested I switch to working half time come this January, because I’ve been so exhausted. I probably should.
It’s not funny, but it is an “I told you so” so that’s rewarding. 😉 😉 When he was first pushing me to get a job, after I had been living with them for maybe a month or two already?, I had a HUGE meltdown. I was crying uncontrollably and couldn’t talk about it for a long time. At some point, I told him I was scared shitless of being employed again. Scared because it removes all possibility of life outside of work because I get so exhausted. I did NOT want a job, except a really, really stupid, no-brainer, no-pressure half-time job. So I had a meltdown over the prospect of work. And was so upset about it for at least a week. But then a job opportunity happened along and I couldn’t pass it up! So here I am, working full time and doing absolutely nothing else (except this blog). I haven’t even gone to meditation again because I’ve been too tired. I did text my “friend” that I met there once, though. 🙂 Mostly it was just a thank-you note for her help in encouraging me and teaching me how to take care of my insurance issues. But I had to do something to reach out. I don’t want that contact to die away. If she has any energy, I’m wondering if I could invite her over to my aunt & uncle’s place to visit with me there. They said it would be okay. I just need to get up the nerve to invite her (I have no clue if she would or not). She knits. Maybe I could invite her to a knit-night with me! I can’t remember if I brought my needles with me here or not.
Anyway, yeah, I think that vitamin suggestion is great. I totally screwed up on getting the new health insurance so I’m stuck with the super freaking incredibly expensive one still for now. But the plus side is I’m sure I’ve met my deductible by now and it’s almost time for me to get my bloodwork done. So that should go smoothly. (And I won’t ask the phlebotomist to inject air into my vein this time.) Truthfully, I always hope that it’ll show my thyroid out of wack, because in my dreams, once my thyroid gets to a proper adjustment, I won’t feel tired ever again… It hasn’t happened that way a single time, but I always hope.
I eat my soup straight out of the can without warming it up (because I don’t want to dirty any dishes). I like to pretend I’m eating dog food. If only I just got cheap shit soup, I’d be really happy with myself for saving money on it, too. But I end up getting the GF, vegan soup. My favorite is lentil vegetable.
Now you know. And I’m sure you’re glad of it. 😉 [/end boring journal post]
P.S. I’m super scared about the upcoming holidays period. It’s going to be another party type dinner, I’m sure, and I failed so badly at the last one. Also, it’ll be my first time here for holidays. And then after that, I fly to my grandfather’s memorial. Someday, I want to write a post about 1) flying, 2) why I swear (I actually force myself to swear, even though it might offend some of you. There’s a reason. When I have more time, I want to write it out).
And oh my GOD I am SO SCARED because after the memorial, my dad is coming back with me. But ohmygod my dad, some of you saw the huge post I wrote about him, is mildly on the autism spectrum, more than me, and he can’t read people and he can’t filter and you know my uncle has already been poisoned toward my dad because of what my brother was saying (it’s all in that post). And my mom can’t come, so who will be there to protect him? I’m really scared for him. But I so look forward to spending time with him and getting to show him the places I go around here. But you know what I’m picturing — with the amount of alcohol potentially to be ingested by both him and my uncle, how could it possibly go well? And if politics is brought up, there will be an explosion. Not that my dad is argumentative but his has an opinion period. And my uncle has an opinion period. And they don’t differ that much but it doesn’t even matter when two people Who Have An Opinion Period start on that topic. I need to not worry ahead of time, though, you know? No sense in spending weeks worrying and THEN having something bad happen. May as well have these weeks be smooth first and THEN have the bad happen and deal with it only the once, right? 😉
This pictures a time in high school when my friend and I went into the city to research for a project. I had eaten some really crappy food beforehand. ALL OF A SUDDEN, it hit me. The lightheadedness and shaking; I couldn’t stay on my legs for even a second longer. It was insane. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t stay standing, it was all I could do to crawl under a nearby desk. I was so worried that I would be kicked out of the library if anyone saw me, so I just crawled under a dark desk while my friend researched for hours. I honestly don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t been able to lay down right then. I couldn’t move. (And as was typical for back then, it didn’t occur to me to share it with my doctor, or parents, or anybody else but my friend who was there.)