Log: May 25 (Mon) Tonight, I am a hypochondriac

May 25 (Mon): Unknown; Walk with my brother 2p

Grasses in the clouds

Grasses in the clouds

First of all, the morning was awful. Complete, complete nothingness. I roused out of my stupor enough to meet my brother — not exactly as planned. I had him come to me. I couldn’t make it out to him; I had faded away. I barely had a voice by the time he arrived and I was dissociating so any time I looked over and saw him, it was a really weird experience. I couldn’t tell you if it was from lack of social stimulation or if I had eaten poorly. I had eaten what I thought was an okay breakfast but I did skip lunch, mostly because I was in my nothingness trance. (At least in this nothingness trance, I did get a little studying done.)

He arrived with the ingredients I’d asked for. I made rice while he was driving over. We went on a walk. It was beautiful. Super windy and we were high enough to be in the clouds (I’m adding 2 pictures from today). It was really cool and we got along great!

We came back from the walk and I finished with the ingredients and we ALL had them! The (bulk-purchased) corn tortillas got heated up on the grill, my uncle made beef for folks, I had warmed up the beans and rewarmed up the rice, and cut up the lettuce, bell peppers, sweet onion, green onion, lime, avocado, my uncle set out the salsa. My brother warmed up the tortillas. I could be forgetting something but whatever, it was really good! Oh, I grated the cheese for folks.

I do still feel strange. It’s probably from the upset schedule; I tend to get weird on 3-day weekends anyway. It’s the off schedule. But getting out walking and stuff really helped.

So my hypochondria — that started when I ate dinner. I could feel the tingling all over the roof of my mouth. I don’t know what I’m reacting to, but this appeared to be timed in such a way as for this to be an allergy to something I ate or drank. Sure enough, the roof of my mouth is now covered in little red bumps.

But I don’t know. I can feel them in my throat, too. I looked back at my photos and finally sent them out to a dentist (I’ve been collecting odd mouth photos all month). He didn’t know what to make of them, either. One of them, from the start of May, is especially odd. But at least those white patches are gone now. I guess I should have gone to a doctor right away. I feel stupid for not having done that. My tonsils are still all red and my uvula is not the same as it was before. But I guess part of me figured if this was “something”, it would have shown up on my tongue biopsy I had really not that long ago. Nothing showed up on that biopsy except some abnormal, excessive keratin growth and some normal tongue bacteria that they left alone.

So I guess it’s because I can feel it in my throat, now that I think about it, but I’m totally stressed over this. It’s escalated from “surely it can’t be ‘something'” to “emergency” just like that. It’s been irritating my throat all month, on and off. I don’t know what it is. Should have seen a doctor. Will try to see one tomorrow. I see a dentist on June 2, but the dentist I sent pics to tonight didn’t recognize it, so I don’t hold a lot of hope. I’m worried it’ll be like the excess keratin and pass from one doctor to a dentist to an oral surgeon and then an extremely expensive biopsy. The biopsy was necessary, don’t get me wrong. I could never have stopped worrying about the weird growth on my tongue. But the fact that it took 3 different, expensive doctor visits to get the biopsy is what worries me. I want to go tomorrow and get this tested.

Trees in the clouds

Trees in the clouds

Where the hypochondria comes in is that I know without any doubt in me at all whatsoever that there is “something” very wrong in my body. I have no doubts. What I want right now is every test in the book. I want every possible blood test, every culture, every panel, every biopsy possible. I want this figured out. If only the pictures weren’t considered so gross, I would post them, and then you’d all understand what’s got me so freaked out. I went from a life time of perfect oral hygiene to this strange, never-ending state of always wondering, is something seriously wrong? / Is it contagious? / Is it curable? / Is it going to kill me? / Do I have a fever? <– still haven’t let myself purchase a thermometer. Not gonna. Always wonder.

So yeah. I’ll rein in my desire for all tests. But I’m certainly going to try and see a doctor tomorrow or ASAP. Tonight’s anxiety is all directed toward that, but isn’t it the case with hypochondria that sometimes the anxiety focus is on the body but really your anxiety could be stemming from something else? At least, that’s what I read once a long time ago. And if that’s the case, then the anxiety is DEFINITELY being made worse by the lack of schedule of these past 3 days. And that will aalllll get better tomorrow. Therapy in the morning and then work. I won’t go straight though — I have a lot to pack and won’t be able to organize it in time for therapy. So I’ll bike to therapy and then bike back, pack and THEN head to work. I’m bringing tons of food to work. It’ll go into a box that I’ll tape shut and then strap to my bike. But I’ll have to gather the food from literally two different refrigerators, two different freezers, and also the box of non-perishables that’s on my bed. It’s going to be tough.

Goodnight, all. Today’s Mood Ranking: 3.7-5