Weaning off Lexapro: Days 8 + 9

Blue sky with white, streaky cloud in late afternoon, with ocean water on a bit of sand

Two years ago-ish, which is hard to believe

8th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • fish oil, mulit-vite
  • minimal exercise (walking)

9th Day:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • Update: fish oil

Symptoms:

  • I am still SO TIRED. It is less than 2 days ago, but still very bad. It’s not lack of sleep (although it could be lack of REGULAR schedule)
  • Not in a very talkative mood, which is hard since my schedule involves A LOT of human interaction last week/this week
  • My fingertips are kind of tingly, like very mild zappies
  • Update: Cranky / IN A SECRETIVE MOOD

Additional:

  1. So my partner is injured as of late, and can’t walk without assistance. I think that has hampered my own exercising. Perhaps I should go out on a bicycle ride right now.
  2. Listen, Friday night, dinner with bf and friend. Sat. night dinner with bf, his folks, and their friends. Sun. night dinner with bf, my brother, his gf, and his friends. Tonight, dinner with bf and his parents. And I’ve had NO PRIVACY FOR A WEEK. You don’t have to know me super well to know that I’m trying to withdraw into a dark cave but people find me there anyway.
  3. And, I’m doing this withdrawing from Lexapro thing. And I’m not really sure it’s going well, with how damn tired I am and withdrawn from wanting to talk to anybody.
  4. Plus, it’s Christmas time. Hanukkah is celebrated here, and Christmas, in a way. My mom sent me a box but it made me kind of sad because I could tell she put in a lot of things that she hoped bf’s parents would like. I always open her box in private, hoping it’s something special between the two of us, but since I’ve been living here, it’s always like jams and stuff that she hopes bf’s folks will like. I only like 2 kinds of jam and I buy them from a store and nobody else likes them so they’re just mine. I’ll talk to her about it at some point, but I don’t want it to be right now because then she might feel guilty for the box, and I don’t want that. I put it off last year, too, and then forgot to ever bring it up, and now we’re in this situation again.
  5. Not as if it’s the same as being there. We always ski together on Christmas day. That’s our family thing. We have breakfast together and then we ski.
  6. I’ve been studying better again lately, so now I’m less sure about my plan for next semester (going back to the city college, working again as a tutor, etc.)
  7. Nope, I can’t go bicycling now. They want to watch more Dirk Gently and will go insane if I postpone it because it’s already been postponed every day for a week.
  8. I’ll lift some little weights instead. And do some crunches. And a push-up, if I’m strong enough.
  9. “Next year” I’ll do my own Christmas celebrations. It’s just never the same as you get older, you know? You have traditions as a child. Then you grow up and everyone else’s traditions interfere with your own. I’m lacking the “quiet reflection” part of it, and the connection with the outdoor, natural world (as if there’s such a thing here in a city??? Fuck)
  10. Update: Thinking of positive things I’ve experienced that any potential child of mine could never, ever experience, like the being put on the shuttle for hours by one set of relatives and ending up at the other end with another set of relatives. But in the meantime, spending all of those hours to myself, listening to my walkman and watching out the window, and day dreaming. But my relatives aren’t spread in such a way for that to work, anymore.

Weaning off Lexapro: Day 7

Water's surface on a gray day

Water on a gray day

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • Multivite, fish oil capsule
  • Hardly any exercise (walking)

Symptoms:

  • NOT IN A TALKATIVE MOOD except with my boyfriend
  • VERY tired

I cannot be sure if my mood and exhaustion are from the withdrawal or from my period starting.

I’m not sure I can handle this weekend. Tonight, a friend was over and my bf, myself, and the friend ate out together. Tomorrow, there is a dinner party here with bf’s mom’s friends. It is so hard to distance myself from helping with cooking in times like this. But I do not want to help cook. I would chew off my limb to avoid cooking. Then on Sunday, another dinner party, this time w/my bro and his gf. I need to pick up some things for it. My bf wants to make cookies rather than me purchase something, but he’s injured right now and I’m too damn tired to make cookies. I know I will be cleaning the whole downstairs before the dinner party; that doesn’t bother me. If I’m asked to help with cooking, though, it will be one more inflation to my balloon body that is already set to explode.

I just need to re-adjust my thinking. Remember, it’s “the holidays”. They’re supposed to be stressful. It’s not all relaxing and fun and games and sacred, peaceful moments of thoughtful reflection and prayer, like when you were a child (I was very spiritual although nobody else in my family was or knew).

Anti-Valentine’s Day!

Magnolia tree

Magnolia tree

You may call me jaded. That’s okay. But for me, Valentine’s Day boils down to one of three possibilities:

  1. You don’t have a significant other on that day and end up feeling like you’re somehow missing out on some great experience (you’re not).
  2. You DO have a significant other and the day is spent as any other day until some pre-determined moment, like dinner, when the requisite, loving meal is prepared and perhaps one of you feels brave enough to play some soft music and light some candles or whatever you find romantic. Then the awkward, unspoken expectations. So when’s the sex? That’s right. It doesn’t matter how you’re feeling or what mood you’re in or if your significant other threw one of your cats into the wall earlier in the day out of anger and you want no part in anything physical with said person. You probably fall into the category of “Oh shit, it’s Valentine’s Day. If we don’t have sex, it puts out into the open that something is ‘wrong’ with our relationship and we might have to actually talk about it.” [This doesn’t even begin to mention my feelings on mandatory money-spending to prove your love for significant other… Here have some chocolates although you’re trying to lose weight, and here’s a cut flower that cost a lot and is going to wilt over in about two days and smell up the apartment… {Am I grouchy?} …It’s just that, you HAVE to! It’s VD after all!]
  3. Maybe you are in some small percentage of either just-started relationships where VD is still all silly and happy and fun and light-hearted and you don’t really know what your expectations are yet, or some other minor, positive category? Enjoy.

I’m going to go plant some trees on Valentine’s Day! I’ve been planning this for a little while, but I’m actually, surprisingly, not going to be alone in this adventure! The (extraordinarily shy) guy I met last night agreed to come plant trees with me on that day. Woo hoo!

Comic: Old Christmas Traditions (Comic#027)

Old Christmas Traditions

Old Christmas Traditions

I used to string lights over curtains and anything else available. I used to haul the little plastic tree from the crawl space and decorate it with certain, old ornaments. In the evenings, I would shut off the rest of the lights and just stare at all the Christmas lights, the tree, and listen to the howling wind blow icy snow into the windows. Peaceful memories.

My parents surprised me tonight (Journal#038)

Lights

Lights

My mom texted me to FaceTime her once I had a few minutes to myself. I instantly thought something must be wrong. She did assure me that everything was fine.

So after I reached a quiet time, I FaceTimed her. To my surprise, she and my dad answered the call and immediately started to play/sing Christmas carols! My mom played on the harpsichord and sang, and my dad sang, and of course I sang along via FaceTime!!! Just like the old days!!! ❤ That made my day.

We got to a special song, I insisted that they use another phone to FaceTime my brother. We interrupted him during a fancy dinner with his girlfriend and made him run outside, due to poor reception, so we could all sing, “I’m Gettin’ Nuttin’ for Christmas”. hehheh 🙂

I may have no snow around me, no presents under no tree, and no real mention of any holiday around me at all (my family here is technically Jewish, but don’t celebrate; my uncle did serve an amazing dinner, though), but my parents brought my most beloved tradition to me long-distance. 🙂