Weaning off Lexapro: Day 16

Bright, maybe full moon behind a field of clouds, and tips of trees straight up

A field of clouds in front of the moon tonight

Wow, it’s the 16th day? That means I didn’t go down another 5mg when I was supposed to (after 2 weeks, so that would have been yesterday-ish). Close enough. And let me tell you, this is more scary now than before, after I had two intense days of anger (which I tend to then turn inward into hopelessness).

Today:

  • 15mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
  • iron tablet, multivite tablet
  • exercise (walking & a little dancing & a little weights)

Symptoms:

  • Pretty neutral
  • Kind of pessimistic outlook but not upset or anything
  • Headaches

I painted yesterday evening. I wish I could share it on here. It’s perfect for a Homesick person. I’m not angry anymore (like I was yesterday and the day before). But I’m pretty scared for the upcoming days, if I really do start to reduce my Lexapro again tomorrow morning. Oh, man. The part that I look forward to is the one dose of Prozac. Last time, that took away all of my anxiety the next day! That was miraculous and I’d love to have that every day. You really can’t appreciate how debilitating anxiety is until you have a space without it. Those so-called “normal” humans have no idea. No idea, at all. I begrudge them.

Oh, also, my psychiatrist wrote me back a very kind message in response to what I sent yesterday when I was quite angry and had let her know what had upset me so much during our appointment. UPDATE: Just to clarify, I had been angry with my psychiatrist but that is different from what I was angry at yesterday & the day before. That latter anger went away either last night after painting, or during the night, or this morning.

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Trying to figure out class schedule

So I’ve been trying to figure out my schedule for this semester. It’s so hard. I have the mandatory classes locked in, so that’s good. Although one of my mandatory classes is on a different campus and at night… Feel free to take bets on how often I actually show up. Well, I’m going to try it anyway. My bf says he’ll meet me there after he gets off of work, but I’m a skeptic because I imagine the timing will be really tough. Two of my school friends from last semester will be in the class as well, but it doesn’t help me picture actually going there.

Anyway. So the problem I’m having is figuring out the non-mandatory classes while leaving enough room left in my days for studying AND my hopefully to-be tutoring job!!!

So I’ve gone nuts with all of the side classes I wish to take. I guess I feel like it might be my last semester as a student here, since I’ll have the certificate I want after this semester, if I pass the mandatory classes. I’ve spent DAYS adding and dropping classes online. I just can’t feel satisfied.

I’m presently signed up for a 1 credit piano class that is three times a week — just because I wanted something stable, something to make me go there at a certain time each day of the week — something easy that I wouldn’t avoid. But I just don’t know — three days a week is a LOT for me. Even though it’s brief and basic and I should be okay with it.

Then I’m determined to take an exercise class. I’ve cycled through them and am presently signed up for a 2 credit how-to-jog type class. It would fill in the other two mornings, but I’m afraid that STARTING my day with exercise might actually be something I avoid. I’m not sure. I wish the piano class was 5 days a week at the same time each day.

The biggest thing I’m trying to figure out is what to do with Fridays. Last semester, I had no classes on Friday and it was wonderful – I could study as needed that day. But I’m filling it in ONLY on the possibility of being a tutor on that day. See, so much depends on whether or not I’m going to be a tutor and if so, what my schedule will be! I haven’t been able to get hold of the person to turn my paperwork in to yet, though, so for now it’s still an unknown.

But if I don’t have a tutoring schedule on Fridays? Then will I really hate myself for having signed up for a brief piano class that morning? Paying more money for the public transit?

Speaking of which, I think it is possible for me to get reduced public transit since I’m a full-time student. I read that somewhere. I should figure out how to do that, and then I wouldn’t feel so yucky traveling an extra day each week.

My mom REALLY wants me to take a painting or drawing class — originally, that’s what I wanted too — but I just can’t seem to squeeze it in without blocking out almost every good chunk of time for every day, and I don’t know where the tutoring would fit in. It’s really sad. I am at a point with my art that I REALLY want some professional direction. I would love to take a class. But the only classes available are about six hours per week — AND that is NOT including the homework. The professor reviews reveal that many of them assign very time-consuming, detail-oriented homework. I just really don’t think I can do that.

BUT on the other hand, I need one more credit or I won’t be a full-time student! 😛 So I HAVE to tweak my schedule. IF ONLY there were a 1-credit drawing class. If only! But there’s not so I have to rearrange things again.

IF ONLY I could trust myself to get out of bed at the same time each morning and get to school on time. Then I wouldn’t have to play so many games with my schedule. Then I could leave the morning slots on this tutoring paperwork available and have much more time in the day!!!

Cannot. Sleep. (Journal#039)

It’s 5:11 a.m. and I cannot sleep. I’ve been trying since around 1 a.m. It’s ironic, because I had even set aside a really complicated sketch I was working on for the sake of sleep.

I guess I am too nervous about tomorrow. I’m flying out tomorrow, for my grandpa’s memorial.

  • I have issues with executive functioning, so packing is always an issue.
    • My mom did talk me through some of it over the phone earlier. But in truth, I only gathered some clothes so far. I couldn’t bring my mind to think about it.
  • I’m flying. Which brings up its own bag of worms (actually, I’d like a bag of worms).
    • My worst-ever panic attack occurred on an airplane.
      • It was before I had accepted any anti-anxiety medicines (STUPID!).
      • The flight attendants offered me oxygen.
    • Although before that happened, flying was my favorite thing to do and I dreamed of being a then-called stewardess, one panic attack can change all of that.
    • Now I always feel really pleased with myself if I make it through a flight without taking anxiety medicine. (Why do I torture myself with trying it?! I can go from handling it to being scared out of my pants in about 1 second flat.)
  • I’m just scared.
    • Of the change in routine, I guess.
    • Scared of the unknown.
    • Seeing people I don’t normally get to see.
    • Attending a memorial I haven’t mentally prepared for yet.
    • I never submitted any of my memories of him for the book they’re preparing. 😦
  • I’m getting up in 2 hours for a doctor appointment. I apparently decided, why make a normal appointment for half the price when I can instead wait to the last second before travel and see an urgent care doctor for extra$$$ for something that’s been bugging me for two months??!
    • Maybe after the appointment, I can finish packing and then NAP until my flight, since I’m obviously not going to get a whole lot of sleeping in between now and my appointment.

I’ve been down again lately. It feels like it’s gone on forever, but maybe I’m mistaken.

I don’t want to ever step foot back at work again. I’ve definitely got a “thing” about that place now.

My other contract is ending at the end of this month. Actually, that means my mom won’t let me nap tomorrow because she’ll insist I work on that contract… which would be the ethically correct thing to do. But I’m so scared about the fact that I can’t sleep. I didn’t do too badly on that contract, but the time period’s nearly over and there’s still like a day’s worth of work to do on it. Two days if I’m unproductive.

Please let me out of this job. I don’t want to ever go back. One of my aunts apparently told my mom that if I can make it through for another month or two, things will be all better. But OMFG WHY DO I HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH ONE OR TWO MORE MONTHS of it?! (2 reasons: One, the pay is better than most other jobs I could get, and two, I could opt for significantly cheaper health insurance through it)

I haven’t really written here that there’s been a helluva lot of inner turmoil at work. A helluva lot. It’s basically destroyed my home life. For the past however long it’s been, that’s what all the yelling and crap has been about – it’s all been work related. And when there wasn’t yelling, my uncle had stopped being able to talk with me or anything because he had to focus on contracts and all sorts of things he had to research. He didn’t tell me what was going on, and in fact did try to hide the yelling from me at first, but frankly when the walls shake from your voice, there’s no hiding it. That’s when I put in the earplugs and whatnot.

But I can’t take it. You’ve changed. I’m depressed. I’m scared of work, scared of the turmoil, scared of people resenting each other and doing things behind other people’s backs. Scared of the fact that one of them told several of the other employees what’s going on but I was still in the dark, as I was supposed to be (it really isn’t my business as an employee there). Sick. I’m just sick. I’m literally getting over my virus.

But I’m more than physically sick. I feel like all the light and all the hope of this life is just gone. Like I have nothing to look forward to again. Like every moment is a torment and I can’t feel rest and I can’t feel secure and I can’t feel loved. Listless and pointless.

But I’m glad I took Bailey to the dog park today. I needed the exercise (I had slept for virtually 4 days straight without a speck of exercise). But I feel so sick to my stomach right now. Bailey was very good with all of the different dogs and all of the people…except for her ability to sniff out each person who had treats. Silly food hog. It was cute, but I literally had to take her to the other side of the dog park because this really nice lady wouldn’t stop giving her treats! (Bailey has a fat-roll issue, for those wondering why that would be a problem. 😉 )

Don’t read on if you’re emetophobic or otherwise squeamish: Continue reading