Squirrel

Squirrel

Well, here I go. I’ll be away from the computer for a couple of weeks. I spent the entire day yesterday attempting to pack but it was overwhelming. Executive function for the … not win. Came in 200th, perhaps?

Anyway, I found a group of people that plays PokémonGO, so when I get back, I’ll be able to meet up with more people for the level 4 raids. Very exciting. Real, human people. I met them the other day and they gave me a plushie Pokéball because they had extra. I like this. They had a bag of battery packs on the ready in case anyone needed one. They’re prepared.

I need to stop picking at my acne. Bandaids are in play. The pictures are going to look awful.

One main issue outstanding: I never signed the paperwork over for my pony. If I die on this trip, there will be some contention over ownership, and that’s not what I want. I should at least write a non-legally-binding letter letting people know my intention to transfer her my pony.

Everything else? If I die, I don’t believe there is anything else that would be difficult to clear up. So, I just need to write out my letter of intention and I’ll be good to go on this trip with perhaps lighter shoulders.

Cheers, all.

MONEY MAKE-BACK COUNTDOWN

Okay, this is half joke, a quarter revenge and a quarter serious.

TARGET GOAL: 67 avoided bus rides

Joke: I just learned about “Sunk Costs” in Accounting
Revenge: I had to pay a bogus citation plus a HUGE late fee (okay, the late part was my own fault). The citation was for allegedly not swiping my card on a bus. But in truth, I did swipe it but the reader was busted. I protested it unsuccessfully through writing. Then I gathered tons of documentation and things for an in-person hearing but took them downtown 4 days late. My fault but the late fee was HUGE. Ridiculous. For a bogus citation. So I’m going to make back the money by not using them for my regular routes.
Serious: I do want to spend less on transportation.

My updates to the remaining number of avoided bus rides will be in the COMMENTS to this post, because that’s easiest for me to update when out and about. It’ll be a “stickied” post on my front page until I complete the 67 avoided bus rides.

New apartment?!

So here’s the thing. There’s this apartment available. I have until tomorrow morning to make the decision.

But it’s thrown me off. Because my bf and I already made this decision once, when we wrote our appreciative rejection. It was really hard at that point; I was really torn. But when I sent the email, it cemented the rejection in my mind. And a few things cleared up for me:

Like:

  • Thank goodness I don’t have to use a coin-operated, shared laundry room!!!
  • Thank goodness I don’t have to have my packages left on a concrete floor in a public walking space outside of a tiny mail slot, for anyone who lives around there (or who happens to visit it — it’s not a fenced space) to see. And take.
  • Thank goodness I don’t have to live 100 yards from the biggest radio tomorrow I’ve ever seen.

So she wrote back and said she’d decided to move out anyway. But then later she wrote back saying she’d given it a lot of thought, and would stay if we would be her roommates, and offered us a discounted price that is actually hard to refuse.

And meanwhile, my bf has thought about some of the things that had put him off about it before, and decided he’d like to give it a shot. But I’ve gone the opposite way.

The thing is:

  • The young lady seemed super nice and friendly. I think she’d be a nice roommate for us.
  • The price now can’t be beat in this entire city, frankly. No, that’s not true; I know of people in rent-controlled spaces who have been there for many years who pay a small amount for rent. But that’s the exception.
  • The location is BEAUTIFUL. It’s in the middle of a nature preserve, basically.

AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM!!!!! It’s in the middle of nowhere, within this city. So all I can think is DANGER! DANGER! Nobody can hear you scream. If I don’t catch one of the shuttles which I don’t believe run at all times each day, I would be walking, alone, for 30 minutes uphill to get home. There is even a stretch of the walk that has emergency phones every 30 feet or so. … My bf thinks this should comfort me but it does the opposite — OBVIOUSLY there have been safety issues in the past, or they wouldn’t have installed emergency phones every 30 feet!!!!!

  • She’d be a hiking partner as we walk through the woods and trails each weekend or whenever.
  • She knows everyone who lives around there by name, which is awesome.
  • She plans to organize board game nights with them, which I’d love.

But then let’s go back to the cons:

  • The lighting was shitty. Okay, so I’d be buying a lot of sun lights and such.
  • Sound transfers among the units, so we’d be hearing the toddlers nearby and THEY’D hear us practicing music, which may or may not be an issue.
  • The yoga teacher of the class where I met her warned my bf’s mom that this young lady just recently had to take out a restraining order against her violent, abusive ex. …

Back to the pros.

  • Did I mention it is a lovely area??? Lovely.

But here’s another thing in my mind:

  • If I wanted to live in the middle of the woods, I’d go back Home. I am accepting City Living here. I don’t plan to live in a City forever, but I am right now. But this wouldn’t be. It would be 30 minutes of walking secluded from City.
  • 30 minutes of walking ADDED ON to my commute to school.
  • 30 minutes of walking ADDED ON if I want to jog to the icecream shop (it wouldn’t happen; let that be clear).
  • 30 minutes of walking… and then I’d be too exhausted to do anything.
  • 30 minutes of walking… nope, I predict I’d never leave the apartment.

But my bf thinks it would motivate us to get out on the weekends and do things more. I guess because we’d feel isolated and would have to go journey for adventure? I’m concerned, to say the least. But the thing is, it had sounded pretty cool when it had first come up; why am I so against it now?

Before, I think I was seeing her friendliness and what it would be like to live with her, and the view, and thinking about how to make it work, like leaving earlier and…. yeah that doesn’t sound like me.

 

End Of Semester (get it together!)

So it’s winding down to the final days of the semester. I was doing so well all semester until … approximately this month. Literally speaking, ever since I moved to a new location. So there’s something about the increased time it takes me to get to school that also increases my likelihood of not attending.

However, I’m trying to pull it together so as not to completely undo all of the progress I’d made during the semester. I’ve contacted my psychiatrist and having a listening ear was in itself extremely helpful. I’ve also scheduled an appointment with Disability Support Services for tomorrow. I want to make sure the counselor there knows what is happening for me and see if she has any suggestions.

I have a haircut appointment for tomorrow, so PERHAPS my self-cut will get fixed up. 🙂 Or it could make things worse!! I know nothing about this hair place except that I walk past it every day… But hopefully it won’t be terrible. I just really want a change. But I don’t know; with what I did the other day, there might be no hope until the front grows out more again.  (That was a “whoops” but it was fun.)

Let’s break this down. Tonight, I have just one goal: Accounting quiz that’s tomorrow. All I absolutely have to do tonight is the homework for tomorrow’s Accounting quiz. I’ve jogged, I’ve eaten. Now is the time for studying.

Wednesday, I will have just one thing I have to get done: My PPT presentation. I worked on it for a couple of hours the other day but I’m too much of a perfectionist and kept switching topics because I wasn’t satisfied. I think I’m going to switch topics again but I have a good idea. Also, I couldn’t figure out any kind of order, so I just had random slides and ideas all over and it was a big mess. Oh well, I’ll try again. But FIRST, Accounting homework for tomorrow. Later, everyone.

FREEWRITE

There’s got to be something.
My psychiatrist isn’t sure if I’m a bit depressed and need medical adjustment, or if it’s situational, what with the massive life changes I’m making and what not.
At this moment, I think my uncle is mad at me. I haven’t been staying in contact with him lately.

I’m staying in contact with my mom and my bf. That’s all, as of right now. It takes it all out of me, to keep up that much.

I’m staying caught up in school. Maybe too well. Not that I’m getting A’s, but I’m really staying caught up with homeworks and stuff. I’m putting everything into it. I’m often up until 11pm with homeworks and whatnot.

I’m irritable. I’m cranky. My eyes burn holes in things around me sometimes. I think I’d like to scream. Or eat less or exercise more, because I’m definitely spending so much money on food. I’m too tired to cook much right now, and am eating out A. LOT. It makes me hate myself a little bit. Because it’s SO wasteful. SO wasteful. And then I just feel bad about myself and my spending and I’m not exercising enough, and it all comes out as this yuck feeling toward everything around me.

So I’m cranky. And there are medical things I need to catch up on. Like my doctor referred me to a gynocologist because of those abnormal cells on a PAP and now a touch of irregular bleeding, but I just haven’t gotten around to making the appointment.

It’s all too much for me right now. I’m exhausted in the sense that I just don’t have the energy to do anything else, or start anything else, or research anything else, or look up names of doctors or see if they’re in my new health insurance’s network or anything. It’s too bloody much!

There are things I want to do, but after class, I’m done. I’m toast. I just want to crawl home and once I’m home, I’m okay again. I can set up my computer and my books or whatever and get to studying again. But I can’t think about traveling or visiting my uncle or my brother. I can’t think of going to work, out in that other city. I can’t volunteer or go to a beach or a go on a hike or hardly even a walk!!!!!!! My bike is neglected. Everything in my life outside of schoolwork and house chores is neglected right now.

I want that to change. I want to DO things again, I want to have some drive and energy. I still have the desire, so I know I’m not seriously depressed yet. But oh my god it is going to get close. You know??? I want to volunteer at an animal shelter. I want to spend time with dogs.

Do I want to keep living here?

  • WHAT IF DECEMBER COMES AND WE STAY HERE AND ROOMMATE MOVES OUT SO THE TWO PET RULE IS NO LONGER HIT; WILL BF BE OKAY WITH ME GETTING A DOG?
  • IF NOT, THEN I …?
  • IF I DO GET TO VISIT HOME, AS I AM CONSIDERING DOING AT AN UNDISCLOSED TIME PERIOD, WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY PONY????? DO I WANT TO SELL HER??? MUST I SELL HER???
  • FINANCIALLY SPEAKING, YES. YES, I MUST SELL HER.
  • WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY CAR?
  • I HAVE SENTIMENTAL ATTACHMENT TO MY CAR. MY PARENTS PICKED THE CAR AND MY DAD AND I PICKED THE COLOR. HE LIKES THE CAR. MY MOM LIKED ME HAVING THAT CAR. I’LL MISS THAT CAR. I HAVE A LOT OF MEMORIES OF THAT CAR.
  • THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING DIFFICULTIES AROUND HERE ARE MAKING THINGS VERY HARD. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THEM.
  • I HAVE BEEN MANAGING ALL RIGHT WITH THE SCHOOLWORK BUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
  • I NEED HELP.

My psychiatrist helped me to compile a “short list” of some of the doctor appointments I need to schedule, and gave me a one-week time frame in which to accomplish the calls. I am thankful; I hope I will make the calls soon. Tomorrow, actually. I would like to make the calls tomorrow. Perhaps I can do that around lunch time… which will hopefully not overlap with the offices’ lunch times.

School is going well and I even have a couple of acquaintances from the classes. There are several people who are in more than one of my classes, so that is fun. I love getting to chat with familiar faces there.

Bummed. Looking up executive function reading material to share with others

I wonder if this book is any good?

http://www.drthomasebrown.com/booksbydrbrown/new-understanding-of-adhd-in-children-and-adults/

I wish desperately that I had some good material on executive function that would at least help me explain to people around me why I behave how I behave sometimes. I’m still very disturbed about having frustrated Peter this morning. But when discussing it briefly at the train station, he didn’t seem to understand/accept when I mentioned that it’s hard for me to feel urgency to leave without external stimulus. I just imagine that it could only help things if I could send him reading material about it. If he can’t understand it, then he can’t understand me, and that would be a pretty sad problem.

Here’s something else: http://www.drthomasebrown.com/pdfs/Executive_Functions_by_Thomas_Brown.pdf

Here’s something: http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-lack-of-executive-functioning-may.html

This looks good: http://musingsofanaspie.com/executive-function-series/

Along with: http://musingsofanaspie.com/2014/01/07/executive-function-primer-part-1/

I just wish. I wish wish wish. Why do I always feel like the people in my life don’t believe me? Like I have to fricking prove myself to others. I’ve been alive with myself for over 3 decades. I think I’d know by now, you know? I wasn’t born yesterday. I didn’t just decide this on a whim, that this is why I have some problems timing my morning routine. Or buying ingredients but then not having a clue what to do with any of them.

Just. Whatever. I am so tired of feeling misunderstood and disbelieved. It’s disrespectful. Why would I want someone in my life who disbelieves me? Why do I have to feel compelled to show documentation in order to explain that some of my behaviors follow such & such pattern and that’s what I’m trying to figure out the work-arounds for? But I know a life without that aspect being believed. I know it already and that’s a failed life. I won’t do that.

I’ll continue working to improve my morning routine (I’ve succeeded an amazing number of times now — but you have no idea how amazing it is. My mom knows, though. Even my uncle knows). I’ve been doing really well. I even did fairly well this morning at getting ready quickly, with the exception of deciding to have breakfast, and even then I don’t think I took too long over eating. It must have been when I was trying to prevent one cat from eating the other cat’s breakfast. That did take a while. Peter must have been waiting for me then. Regardless, it was the conversation afterward that is bothering me.

I want to be alone right now. Lick my wounds (I’m hyper sensitive and find that even just learning that someone was frustrated is very ouchy for me). Because I don’t ever want to make him late and I feel like if I had only KNOWN when he was trying to get out the door, I could have helped toward that goal. Instead I was in my own little world, which is my default state. And that, he didn’t seem to believe in — that my default state has no internal motivations. I have no sense of urgency without external stimulus. He didn’t believe that. How do I explain what I meant?

It takes too much energy and effort. I find that I’m tired. I accidentally slept for a while at my desk today! I can’t believe it. I might just go home right now. Nobody has asked me to do anything. I was going to vacuum but I could do it tomorrow instead.

Log: Jun 10 + 11 (Wed + Thu) Anxiety + Meltdown

Jun 10 (Wed): Work
Jun 11 (Thu): Work, go to uncle’s after work

Wednesday: Got up easily enough, although I’d had insomnia for much of the night. Got ready and left early with Peter. Showered but skipped breakfast, thinking I still had a muffin at work. Wrong. But I had brought 2 PBJs so I had one of those for breakfast.

Jeweled plant

Jeweled plant

HIGH ANXIETY LEVELS. This is the day my web registration was open for me to apply for the new college. At the same time, i had received many tasks for work, all time-important. So with high, high anxiety, my hands shaking much of the time, I did some work, then would try to figure out my class schedule again, then work, then scheduling, etc.

In the end, I did get everything I needed to get done for work. But I was only able to register for 3 of my classes successfully. One of them has an English requirement, so I have to submit paperwork for that. So I contacted both of my old schools and have official transcripts on the way out now, which isn’t needed, but I felt more comfortable doing it that way, so the new school has them on file and I will just have to make myself actually get a major so it wasn’t a waste of money.

Anyway, I did the matriculation paperwork (took forever). I had to prove my residency (took forever, but I have already heard back from them that I was accepted as a resident and thus get the MUCH MUCH MUCH cheaper tuition! YAY!!!).

I still haven’t submitted my matriculation paperwork because I think I’d better send a copy of my divorce certificate to them as well, seeing as one of my schools is going to send a transcript with my maiden name on it, and the other school will send my transcript with my previous married name on it. Oy. I hope they can figure it out.

But I want to get this done as soon as possible because the course I didn’t get to sign up for yet only has 1 timeslot that would work for my schedule, so if it fills up, I’ll have to rework every class again and try to get it to fit together. It took so much time. I won’t have a copy of my divorce paperwork until this evening, so I could then submit my matriculation paperwork tomorrow.

Okay. So HIGH ANXIETY. I can’t stress that enough. I almost had to take anxiety medicine but I try not to if I can survive without it.

The rest of the evening was okay for a while. After work, I went to a grocery store and picked up some groceries. When Peter got off work, he joined me there and we walked back together. Dinner was amazing, thanks to him. But then something happened.

Jeweled plant

Jeweled plant

He was contemplating companies for the sake of picking out more companies to invest in. He asked what companies I like as far as services and whatnot, just to try and get more names to think about. I mentioned an online site I used to buy my horse supplies from. I said I used to only trust that site and Amazon with my credit card information.

That led to him asking me how I feel about Amazon. I said I like them a lot because they send a fraction of money to the horse rescue I love so much (log in through Amazon Smile instead of regular Amazon to support whatever rescue/charity you want to support). So that got us on the topic of charities. I don’t know why he said it but he said he didn’t think he would ever donate to a horse rescue group. Something went off in my head. Alarm bells. Horror. Tragedy. I asked if he meant it like, -ever-, under no circumstance? I was like, sometimes when people have asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I ask them instead to put whatever money they’d have spent on a gift for me and send it to that equine rescue instead. I asked if he’d send them money if I asked him to as a b-day gift to me or something. He said no.

While he started to explain which are the charities he donates to regularly and supports, I found it hard to hear him. My entire body was faltering. The tears started to flow. By the time dinner was finished and we went back down to the room with the dishes (we’d eaten up on the roof), I had to take a minute away. I went to the unlit bedroom and just cried and cried and cried.

I came back to the kitchen to help with cleaning up but I still kept crying on and off. I finally talked about it, I said I had no idea that rescue was still so important to me. My horse has been there many years now. I cried more.

So what this tells me is a couple of things.

  1. It tells me that what I ate yesterday for breakfast and lunch was not sufficient and I did have a blood sugar episode. I only get super emotional when I’m having a blood sugar episode.
  2. But it also sends me up a red flag for this relationship. Do I wish to be in a long-term relationship with someone who would override my own request because of his own standard for worthy charities? Did I feel disrespected personally because my wishes wouldn’t be respected?

At least after I was finally able to say why I’d gotten so emotional, that the rescue meant so much to me still, he actually offered to use them next time he shops from Amazon. So that means it wasn’t a black-and-white never-ever statement after all, but it took a complete meltdown for him to relax the black-and-white of his original statement? Or was it the meltdown that then enabled me to verbalize how important it was to me, that I wasn’t joking around when I was asking those questions?

I don’t want him to use them for his Amazon; that wasn’t my point at all. I just want to know that if I ask something of a person, they will at least consider my request. A, “perhaps there could be a possibility of it at some unknown point in the future, depending on the situation,” would have satisfied me. A “No, never,” brought me to a screeching halt.

At the same time, I hadn’t heard from my mom all day, so I was worrying about my grandma out there. Signing up for school is freaking me out. I hadn’t had much sleep. I didn’t eat well.

So that was a rough night. He apologized if his words were hurtful for me. But my mood doesn’t bounce back quickly; I was too upset to fall asleep. (He asked why I wasn’t falling asleep, I said I think my right shoulder is too tense, I can’t get it to relax, and asked if he could pinch that muscle. He said that sounded painful and he didn’t want to torture me. He lightly ran his fingers over the spot, but I asked again if he could pinch the muscles there. He still didn’t want to, saying it sounded painful. He said he had a better idea, why don’t we go to sleep. He flipped over and fell asleep instantly. I got upset all over again; request denied! Major insomnia. I got up, did stretches to try and get the muscles to fricking relax. I had taken 1 mg of clonazepam when I’d first gone to bed but it did NO good at all, not one bit. I should have taken some pain medicine, but I did stretches instead. I finally read a book by the light of my cellphone screen, and eventually fell asleep. Mood Ranking: 2-4.5

Sky and clouds

Sky and clouds

Thursday: I don’t know what today will bring. It was a bad morning! When the early alarm went off, I think I was in a bit of a sleep-drug-haze and he decided to reset the alarm for a little bit more time. Then we got up, I didn’t shower, got dressed, and we made breakfast. Ate breakfast, had tea, then, while I thought he was packing (to be explained), I held back one of the cats so the shy cat would eat his breakfast. He’d gotten spooked and so the other cat was done eating already and he was not. Then I also brushed my teeth again. Meanwhile, I don’t know, maybe Peter was ready to go, I was ready but in la la land, just doing whatever. Turns out he was getting frustrated because he could tell we were close to being ready but we weren’t leaving and he wanted to catch a certain bus. He never said a time. We made it to the trains but knew he’d miss the bus he wanted. He said we needed to work on our morning routine. I said it would really help if he could tell me verbally what time he wants to leave the apartment in the morning. He says he tried that when we were first dating and it didn’t work. I pointed out that now I have a watch, and I believe it would work now. Don’t think he agreed. We said goodbye but it wasn’t done as closely as usual. Not sure if we even hugged, although we might have, which is okay because I’m in a mood and can’t connect emotionally right now. He rushed to the bus stop and he did catch the next bus, not too much later than the first, but then he wrote that he was sorry about getting frustrated, it was just the seeing time pass where we weren’t really heading out the door but seemed to be ready that was frustrating for him, it was like wasted time. It was okay that he caught the next bus. We’ll work on communicating better in the morning.

But fuck that. I have lived long enough. He doesn’t understand me and the executive function issues. He doesn’t. I can’t ask him to baby me through the morning. It’s time I either learn the skill to get myself out of the door in the morning without external stimulus, or I hire somebody. End Of Story. I can’t rely on him to let me know when to leave in the exact format I need the information. NOBODY ON THE ENTIRE, FRICKING PLANET HAS BEEN ABLE TO GIVE ME THE INFORMATION I NEED IN THE EXACT FORMAT THAT IS USEFUL FOR ME.

Nobody.

What I need is this:

  • When the alarm first goes off, I need to hear (AUDITORY) several things, in this order:
    • Mandatory: The upcoming activity “Work day”
    • Optional: What time the activity begin “Work starts at 9 a.m.”
    • Optional: What train I’m trying to catch “Train leaves at 8:32 a.m.”
    • Mandatory: When to leave the apartment “Leave apartment at 8:20 a.m.”
    • Mandatory: What time it is right now “It’s currently 7:30 a.m.”
    • Mandatory: How much time I have left before leaving “You have 50 minutes to get ready.”
  • As I get ready, I need again to have an audio that tells me what time I am planning to leave the apartment, what time it currently is, and how many minutes I have left (I cannot do mental math in the morning).
  • When it is within 5 minutes of being time to leave, I again need to have an audio that tells me that I have 5 minutes remaining to get out of the door.

So, today has been sad for me. I feel things slipping out of my hands. But I don’t need him and I’m not going to let myself need him. Maybe he and I break up. I still need to find an apartment near my new school, with different roommates if that’s the case. I’ll be okay. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 3