Probably need

In truth, I probably need some extra help right now. My stress is up way too high. Interpersonal dynamics are very difficult for me right now. School is at a fairly overwhelming point. Tutoring is still going well but I probably shouldn’t have signed up for the max hours.

My SO’s mom, I haven’t written about this, but she is recovering from a cancer surgery. It was her fourth, distinct type of cancer removed. Nobody knows why she is so prone to having cancer. I don’t mean 4 different instances of the same cancer; I mean quite literally four different types. I’ve been around for two of them being removed; the other two types were removed long before I knew of my SO. She’s amazing. But this one involved part of the last adrenal being removed, so now she is in the process of figuring out proper cortisol dosing and it’s really hard. Sometimes she’s very exhausted.

It has changed the living dynamics, for me. My stress is through the roof. There is the worry, and the knowledge that at least two of the cancer types have a good chance of returning “someday”, and how it’s hard to see how tired she is when knowing her to be always so full of energy and drive at all times, before.

But there are the selfish monster stresses, too. Like when she chooses to cook for all of us, but I’d rather eat dog food than help with cooking, but now she sometimes does ask us to help, and I KNOW it’s the good and right thing to do, but at the same time, I’d really, honestly eat dog food if I had the choice of doing so OR cooking…

Or the times when I’d like to spend an evening with just my SO, but he invites his mum to literally everything we do now. But that’s SOOOO selfish of me. Why wouldn’t he want to see her enjoying the events, too? And why shouldn’t she? She’s been incredibly generous with me the whole time I’ve known her. Maybe he’s worried she won’t be around forever, you know? That’s totally understandable.

Quite frankly, if my folks would only move down here, I’d surely be inviting them to everything, too. I wish I could see them every single day of my life. It’s hard not to.

But the fear still keeps me away; I don’t honestly remember if I ever told any of that online here. Probably not. Since it’s all tied up in my fear.

Mortality is hard.

I suppose we’re all going to die. We’re all already dead. There’s no point in worrying about who is going to die when and first and how painful it’s going to be. I just have to live this every day and know, it’ll happen but every day is … one more bonus day.

Oh yeah. I just re-read the point of this post. I need to actually try to find a psychologist/counselor/whoever. Life is really high-pressure and stressful at this time. I honestly, honestly, honestly, don’t want to fall apart again. Been there, done that, DON’T WANT A REPEAT.

Log: May 20 – 22 (Wed – Fri) Work Nothingness + Cooking Conversations

May 20 (Wed): Psychiatrist 8:45a – 9:35a @location, Work 10:30a – 5:30p, Dinner w/Peter
May 21 (Thu): Work 10:15a – 5:45p, Dinner w/Peter
May 22 (Fri): Work 9:00a – 5:30p, Aunt + Uncle’s house after work

Crazy flower

Crazy flower

Well this week has been pretty blah at work. I’ve had very few tasks. I’ve kept on the routine stuff likes dishes and vacuuming. Deliveries have been a NIGHTMARE. I literally had to sit out front of the building for 3.5 hours yesterday so as to not miss the UPS delivery of something very, very important. It’s a long, long story but our building’s intercom is broken and UPS drivers are not required to use their personal cellphones, so basically I had to just wait out there or else miss them yet again. And we couldn’t wait to end of day to pick it up from their main base.

Anyway. It’s been so BLAH. I’ve fallen asleep a little yesterday and the day before. I’ve been alone 80% of the time and there’s been nothing to do for about as long as that. I’ve read, I’ve slept, I’ve been online a little bit. You’d think it would be the perfect opportunity to study courses online and whatnot, right? Unfortunately, when I’m unmotivated, I’m SERIOUSLY unmotivated. On those days, I didn’t even do the dishes. I left them for like three days and then did them one more when someone else showed up and I felt a spark of life inside of me again.

I’m not meant to work alone. Y’all have heard this a million, million times from me by now, but I REALLY must find a new job. SERIOUSLY.

The only thing holding me back is — do I want to find a new job or do I want to be a full-time student, in which case the most I’d want from a job is part-time? If I could just focus on student-ing for a year, I think I could have that one Accounting certificate that would qualify me for a lot of the lower-level Accounting jobs, which would satisfy me in the short-middle term.

It’s so hard. It’s hard because I haven’t slept well for 2 nights in a row. I don’t know what’s up. It’s insomnia. Okay, I do sort of know what’s up.

I can’t sleep because Peter is snuggling too close to me at night. His arm has been around me. Which is so damn sweet, I haven’t wanted to say anything. But I can’t sleep while touching someone else. I need room to spin around and kick and reshift my shoulders and my neck and flop my head from one side to the other and back 8 million times a night. So for two nights now, I’ve sacrificed sleep for sweetness. I even took 1 mg of clonazepam before bed last night, but it didn’t help even a little bit. Also the window has been cracked and there have been a lot of sounds of traffic that I’m not used to. But, I have 4 nights in a row now where I will be sleeping alone at my aunt + uncle’s house, so if that’s the only thing stopping me from sleeping, I’ll get caught back up on sleep.

Forget me nots

Forget me nots

Hopefully it’s not because I have been missing so many of my iron tablets that my Restless Leg is worse again. Speaking of which *takes a tablet*. Also, we ate dinner too late again. We started cooking right away after work but I am just so slow and uncertain when it comes to this cooking thing. And I think all I was trying to accomplish was shredding these broccoli stalks. It was taking me forever. I cooked the pasta noodles, too, but he did everything else. Well, I’ll get faster at shredding broccoli the more I try. Part of the problem was the shredder was clogged for a time and I didn’t notice.

Anyway, I think our first serious conversation has been involving cooking. Cooking with him is fun but I want him to be the Master Chef and just tell me what side tasks I can accomplish to help with the whole. He wants me to be the Master Chef half the time even if it just means telling him what to do. Well shit. I suck at taking charge and I hate it to boot (it’s SO STRESSFUL). At least when we practice music together, he has only made me choose the temp and start the pieces a couple of times — just the times where my line actually starts as a solo. It’s so nerve-wracking to be the one in charge. It makes me feel completely insecure and neurotic.

So the cooking has come up as a conversation maybe twice now. Part of my brain did a learned helplessness thing at first — immediately reverted to a feeling of impossibility-I-may-as-well-be-dead-I’ll-never-live-a-normal-life-or-be-able-to-do-the-things-I-need-to-do-or-what-others-expect-of-me.

Well fuck that. I set out a what-if scenario for him. What If we never have an equal 50-50 in the cooking realm. What if I never take charge up to 50% of the time. What if he is always more than 50%. He was okay. I suggested that at the very least, I could be the Master Chef and doing things under his supervision (since I┬ádon’t know what in the hell I’m doing in a kitchen, it’s hopeless and impossible-feeling to put me in charge). He was happy with that.

Water

Water

SO that was before, and I may have already written about that conversation. So this time, I can’t remember what came up at first, but there was something about him preferring the idea of each of us taking a certain day — where I asked if one person could be in charge of the main part of the meal, and the other in charge of the sides, since it is too overwhelming for me to try to do all at once in a single night, — but he prefers the idea of it being like one person in charge of a night. So I’ll have to think about that one; I genuinely don’t feel capable of that unless I revert to something very, very basic from my childhood, like pasta and salad. I can do that one as a meal and don’t need help.

But anyway, so we’e also pondered the idea of meal planning for the week to hopefully help save a bit of money at the grocery stores. and just generally have more of an idea of what we’re going to do each night so it doesn’t take as much time to figure out each night.

I then asked how he’d think of the idea of me creating an interactive online spreadsheet for the week. He seemed interested in the idea. Yay spreadsheets. So now I’m excited again and I’m putting in each day and each part of each meal that each of us “is in charge of” — which doesn’t at all mean that the other person isn’t helping with the cooking. For example, when I decided to make the shredded carrot + broccoli slaw thing, I asked him to make the dressing for it because my dressings have historically been disgusting (I didn’t add that part — I just asked him if he’d make it, and he said yes).

Anyway, so I love spreadsheets and they automatically make me very happy. So I feel more hopeful about it at the moment.

***BRB*** Okay, I’m back. It’s been quite a while. I’m home, safe and sound. I had a crappy dinner (a potato I cooked in the microwave and burnt so bad, it became the same color as cardboard and a consistency of… well, not the consistency of what humans typically consume. It tasted all right, though. I had half a bell pepper. I had a spoon of chocolate almond butter. I had a granola bar. A had a B6 + Folic Acid vitamin, just for the heck of it (I happened to see it in a drawer). I had a spoon of icecream. Will I feel good tomorrow? NOPE! I’ll feel exhausted and crabby, but we’ll all know why.

So. there’s a 3 day weekend coming. I have plans for the latter half of Monday. My uncle would like my help with some outdoor chores on Saturday (tomorrow). So it looks like Sunday is the only day up in the air. But there is so much I’d like to do. I’m going to start a whole ‘nother post for this. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5

Comic: Child HATES COOKING

I have to COOK

I have to COOK

True stories.

I learned early on that cooking was a horrible, horrible burden. My mom never meant it to seem that way. But from my eyes, it was like she was chained to the kitchen while the rest of us relaxed and goofed off. We unwound and were enterained while she worked and slaved in the kitchen. It didn’t seem fair or right to me at all.

I vowed to myself that I would NEVER. NEVER be in that position. I would NEVER cook.

In adult life, I find this affects me in more ways than my resentment toward cooking. I also find that if someone else is doing chores, I cannot relax or be idle (except when I am COMPLETELY exhausted). If one person is doing chores, then we are all doing chores. If you are cooking, then I will clean the counters, or do the dishes, or sweep, or put things away. I will not be idle when you are working on house chores. And I mostly will not do chores if you are goofing off — I’ll wait to do mine when you are also doing chores. It motivates and drives me.