- 10mg Lexapro, norm. thyroid meds
- multivite tablet
- 0.5mg lorazepam
// Cut for 2 potential Trigger Warnings: Intestinal function detail & reference to sex//
// Cut for 2 potential Trigger Warnings: Intestinal function detail & reference to sex//
My moods have been insane lately. I don’t know what lately means. Two weeks? A month? A year? Two years? Just since I got back from visiting my parents and dog?
It’s worse for me at this moment because two weeks ago, “Joe”, who had been getting more depressed by the day for several weeks, snapped at me over something that was definitely innocent on my part. What he said was very rude and inappropriate and I didn’t address it well. In spite of his immediate apology, I had already shoved it aside in my head and didn’t deal with it and I still haven’t. What you said was like being punched in the stomach. That’s how taken aback I was for a moment. And then I made excuses, Aw he’s just really depressed and has been alienating all of his friends and I don’t want him to lose me as a friend, too. Yada yada. Kept on our walk.
But it wasn’t the same. And this week’s walk wasn’t the same, either. Because I don’t really forgive anyway. I suspect I don’t actually forgive any one for any thing anymore.
So then today, there was a point where we had to make a decision about which direction to head. We both had a preference, which is rare. We both had a strong preference. I made mine clear but instead of saying, “no” to his preference, I acquiesced. And then silently resented him for the next hour or so. I had nothing to say. It’s not like I intentionally think to myself, “I’m going to give X the silent treatment now.” It’s just that, when I’m upset with a person, I don’t trust that person and have no interest in speaking and nothing on my mind to share. It’s very hard.
Back to my main point. Since things are weird between me and my only real-ish friend, “Joe”, it’s making it hard to trust myself and my sanity at all. I’m already having a hard enough time with “Peter”, with how we keep triggering each other (we’re seeing a therapist now, which seems promising).
I need help. Aside from facts and moments in time, my moods are unstable. They are flying up and down. I go from bliss to anger in an instant. I don’t feel that I can control it. And I have no patience and no tolerance.
There are “easy” (clear-cut, that is) things that can only help:
I believe that I need the forced routine of a job or face-to-face classes to get back into the land of the somewhat living and normal. I applied to a part-time position recently but they had just filled the position. There is a full-time job I’m going to apply to, perhaps tomorrow. But, I really only want part-time, for the sake of finishing my online school.
So just recently, my therapist (actually a psychologist) asked me about dissociation. This was in the context of me having had a bad weekend that I shared with him, and there was a moment where I dissociated, and thus told him about that.
He asked about dissociation so I told him using the easiest method I have. I mentioned some elementary school abuse story. Okay, I should have thought that through farther or something. But I didn’t and here I am. That was last week, I think. I don’t know. You guys would know better than me because I got into a not-quite-okay mode and posted here a lot. I even sketched a comic! I saw him twice that week because there was too much to possibly say because it lead into other things, like a time period I haven’t written about here although have alluded to several times.
Meanwhile, this psychologist stops me and says if I say any more about elementary school, he’s going to have to report it. But days later, he’s able to check with his ethics officer and for reasons I won’t share here, he doesn’t have to. If he had done so, it would have been the end of the world. I can’t share why on here. But without even the strength to put the true emotion into these words, MY world would have ended and so would several others’.
So then I feel safer again, and I share some things to him via email. Not too much, for me, but I hadn’t ever shared w/him outside of the office before, so it probably seemed like a lot.
Now to my point. Today, we had an appointment. I was so ill-feeling this morning (nerves because I didn’t know what to expect), I ended up taking anti-anxiety medicine earlier in the day. So, granted I was still on some amount of medicine by the time our appointment came around (it’s half-life is fairly short so it wasn’t a full dose). So it’s possible the medicine was interfering with any sort of ability of me to feel connected.
But it was weird. Kind of like nothing had ever come up? Well, but he did ask if I wanted to talk about anything? I don’t know. I don’t really know what happened. The whole appointment went by and I left and I’m wondering if it was productive in any way whatsoever. I can’t be wasting money like that. He did say that next appointment, I could talk about whatever I’d like. I asked if it would be helpful or harmful to talk about that shit. He thought perhaps it would be helpful.
So in that case — is that I checked with him several times to see if I could have permission via email to share things with him during this time. For example, any sketches or poems, that sometimes help me to try and explain something I can’t vocalize. He said that was fine to bring to him in-person, but he doesn’t want it being sent to him in other ways. He wants everything to be face-to-face. He gave more reasons for why face-to-face is superior but I don’t recall because I was busy talking to myself internally (well, it’s true. I was talking to myself mentally about how important it was for me to be able to share during the week, since I historically chicken-out the day of appointments and know I wouldn’t bring in anything). I did say that out loud — that I would probably be too shy to bring any in. I think I said it out loud, anyway. It’s all kind of a blur.
Anyway. This is all very unsettling for me because next week is my last week around before I’m gone for a while. Then he’s going to be gone for a while. So basically, why go to next week’s appointment? I should cancel that appointment. But maybe I only say that out of bitterness. Maybe it could be productive in some other way?
But I feel like he just doesn’t get it. The can of worms is already cracked open. Maybe he’s trying to put a lid on it. Maybe I’m trying to open it all the way, but that’s a long, long road to go back down.
There IS a desire in me to open the can of worms. I feel like, there is a piece of my life that I still haven’t threaded together into a cohesive narrative. I feel like I’m more ready now than I ever have been before, and I like to know what’s happened in my life and why and how I grew because of it. I ain’t talking about elementary school; that is black and white, easy to understand.
That part of me, that wants to open the can of worms, is really disappointed in this appointment. I know now that I had wanted an excuse for a muse. I had wanted him to inquire and be curious and try to learn more. I had wanted a reason to get out pencil and paper and sketch and revisit papers on that time period and thread together a cohesive understanding. But it’s a dangerous, time-consuming process and, knowing myself, I would need extra support in the meanwhile. I WOULD become clingy and desperate at times; I WOULD probably ask to come in twice a week instead of once at times. I might be weird as I dig through some dirt. But I feel like, in less than a month’s time, I’d have the understanding I so desire.
The one perk of waiting is that the VAST MAJORITY of my writings and drawings on this topic and FROM this time period and directly after are at my parents’ house. Perhaps I could gather those documents within the next year and have them ready. Perhaps I could go to an actual trauma specialist this time and do this once and for all.
That’s all well and good, but with this can of worms cracked, it’s difficult to turn my mind to other things, like homework. I made myself exercise A LOT this weekend, yesterday, and today. I think it helped prevent me from nose-diving straight into a terrible depression. Instead, I just feel kind of … unsupported and scared and like, I must have made a terrible mistake. Embarrassed, I guess. But that latter part is likely because I perceived no feedback from psychologist today. BUT, as I’ve already said, that is either because I was on anti-anxiety medicine and perhaps numbed my ability to sense connection, or perhaps he was staying withdrawn on purpose because my emails and sharing of that sketch scared the shit out of him and he took it literally like I was already clung to his leg or something. He didn’t make any comment about that sketch, btw. That probably made me very sad since I drew that to share with him something I experience.
Ah well, you know? Maybe he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. I always assume these psych people know what the hell they’re doing but what if they don’t. Or what if he does, and it was my exact contact during the week that caused today’s appointment to be non-existent…or the anti-anxiety drugs.. LOOP! 🙂
I’m assuming it’s mostly the Asperger deal but this lack of close friendship is killing me right now. I’m going through a lot internally and I feel so terribly lonely. I wish I had someone to go on walks with, and bike rides. I was bicycling nearly the whole day today, and it was lovely and beautiful and felt good physically, but I’ve entered into a depression as of late and things are pretty hard because of that.
I feel anxious & guilty for even having written this out. I don’t want “Peter” to somehow find out I have felt so conflicted about this topic (it seems so trivial and silly to me). But I also don’t want to pull this posting down, because if I feel this way at times, I’m betting there are others of you who are also conflicted about similar issues and perhaps it will help to know that you are not alone. So here you guys go:
So here’s a topic that’s on my mind tonight. Y’all know I like “Peter” a lot. But there is one area in particular that I’m finding extremely taxing on my emotions — we have differing communication styles when it comes to anything that’s not face-to-face.
I, for example, am prone toward daily contact of some sort. He is not. I am prone toward sending out text messages and emails, with little snippets of text and snapshots from my day — anything that makes me think of him, or anything that I think he’d like/be interested in, for example. He sends out a little bit in return, infrequently. (My insecure voice: ‘Infrequently’ to me means what??? Not every second??)
So that alone has been enough to bring up my self-doubt. “Did I overwhelm him??? Did I send out too many pictures today?? Maybe I disrupted him while he was at work. Maybe he is annoyed with me for having sent these out.” Etc. I’ve asked him, and he says he is fine with what I’ve sent. I’d actually be 100% fine if I only heard back from him once a week, except for the following:
But the killer part for me is the lack of feedback. Sometimes, I will hear feedback from him regarding something I have either texted or emailed, and sometimes that feedback will be sent back in some kind of text form. More often, he will mention something I’ve sent him the next time we are face-to-face, which is fine for me. (My insecure voice: I’m surely just being too needy. I’m surely just expecting instant gratification. I’m surely sending him too much / too often.)
I think I could handle that if all things were given feedback face-to-face, but even then, it is just a sampling. Perhaps he brings up just the things that felt weightier to him than some of the other random crapola I’ve sent him; I am only guessing. I actually send him very little, because I don’t like to send more than what the other person sends back to me; I like the ratio to be balanced. For our ratio to be balanced, I would have to scale back quite a lot more.
And so, I am torn. There is a part of me that is interested in this new approach to communication – almost entirely face-to-face communication. It does seem like a healthier, safer way of communicating, in some ways (for example, there is an increased chance of mis-communications in text-based communication).
But the part of me that wants to continue sending text-based communications is concerned. The lack of feedback for my text-based communications is definitely not working for me.
So I have choices. I could:
I’m not inclined to break up with him right now; I really like him. But I can’t leave things as-is, either, because I’m far too insecure of a person to send something out to someone and hear nothing back. So, likely I’ll go with Option 2. With Option 2, I have more options as well. For example, I could still take my snapshots that make me think of him, but instead of sending instantly, I can compile them into a Save Draft email to show him next time I’m with him in-person. There are options like that.
But I’m not entirely positive if that’ll work. When I tried to share a particular song with him, he left midway through because he remembered his bike had a flat tire and he went to go look at it. Likely, I was not clear that the song I had put on was a special one that I was playing specifically for him to listen to it. I will have to bring this up and try to share it again with him, with my intentions clearly stated this time, and see if he can listen to it.
As much as I like him (a freaking lot), I’ll have to try again with someone new if we can’t get it worked out for me to find a successful way of sharing non-verbal items of interest with him. He’s a good listener when I speak verbally to him. But if I can’t share my pictures, my music, my writings, my video clips of interest, etc, with the person I’m interested in, then what? As you guys could probably imagine based solely on the massive amounts of crapola I’ve posted on here alone (writings, sketches, musics, comics, videos, etc), these types of things are somewhat fairly hugely important to me. And sharing is important to me.
But I actually do think he reads/looks at what I send. Maybe not the 4 music clips I sent, because he said he had no headphones at the time, but I think he does read anything I’ve typed. I think I just don’t receive feedback about it.
So Option 4 seemed more rational, right? Obviously I should discuss it directly and honestly with him, right? I might end up having to do that. I kind of want to avoid it, because I feel awfully stupid for this even bothering me in the first place. Like it should be a molehill and instead I’m making it a mountain. Ah well, we’ll see. Everything will work out. Or it won’t. 🙂 In the meanwhile, I am going to refrain from texting or emailing him; other people will receive my random pictures instead (I can’t shut off that part of me; I can only redirect it). And perhaps one of these days, I’ll work up the nerve to discuss it with “Peter” directly.
So I already went ahead and brought up the topic, face to face! Resolved. I essentially paused this morning and asked him if I could check with him about something. He was affirmative. I pointed out how I was very likely to feel like sending him random pictures and snippets all day today. I asked how he felt about those. And especially if/how he prefers to receive them (e.g. text message or email). I told him how insecure I had gotten by the end of the day a couple of days ago. I told him how I was able to envision that I had disrupted his work, that he was annoyed with it, etc and I pointed out my idea of a single email per day instead.
He thought about it a while and then responded that not only does he not mind the text messages — that the buzzing of his phone does not disrupt or bother him — but that he feels positively toward them. That he likes the reminders showing up, and likes knowing that I’m still alive + well, etc. Then he said he could work on replying to them more often. But I replied that my intention wasn’t to change how he’s comfortable communicating (I wonder if that’s the truth or rather what I want to be true? But I’ll learn that as more time passes, and can bring this up again with that as the focus if needed). I just wanted to know his preferences for my random blurbs so that I could avoid feeling so insecure about them. It all went something to that effect.
Happy. Very good, easy talk.