Up and Down: The story of life

I can see now that I’m not exactly the most emotionally-stable person. If I were updating you regularly, you guys would know it too. Let me tell you a story.

Twice a week, my mornings begin on the campus track, under a great, open sky. Several times, it’s even been sunny and warm. But on these track mornings, we run here, we run there, we stop and stretch. We stop and slump. We stop and practice un-slumping. We slump and greet each other. We stand tall and great each other. We ground ourselves downwards for the backside and upwards for the front side of our bodies. Our heads touch the sky. We run more. We walk briskly. And as I run, I see the gulls and crows and pigeons and some other birds. I see the clouds and feel the sky. I breathe the air and feel amazing. That’s life. UP.

Let me tell you a story. Four times a week, I am now getting paid a minimum wage to help tutor Accounting 1 students. This can range from nobody needing my help, in which case I can do my own homework, or certain people needing intense help. I am a Helper by nature. Shyness and asperger are both irrelevant if I am trying to help someone. It’s awkward when I don’t have the words or I know what I want to say but can’t form it into a sentence. It’s hard to think of other ways of explaining a concept someone is struggling with. But I whip out my computer and search online for many explanations and then find the words to string it all together, sometimes. Sometimes I am able to find a way of explaining something and the person has a lightbulb moment. Those moments are wonderful. UP.

At other times, it can take me a long time to remember how to work out a certain type of problem. But I am happy so long as I don’t mislead or give wrong information to anyone. I have helped people come to correct answers several times now, so that is really, really cool. UP.

I had six combined hours of tutoring time where nobody was asking for my help, and I was able to do my Accounting 2 homework. When it came time for my Accounting 2 class, I had studied so much that I was able to do ALL of the in-class assignments without any real problems! I felt quite amazed. UP.

Here’s another story. I am taking a Beginning Piano class. It meets many times during the week. The chords are hard for me and the posture is something I work on, but I already know how to read notes and count rhythm so a lot of class is very … well, boring. So last class period, a student with a guide-dog-for-the-blind entered the room and asked to join. He asked to have a student who could sit with him all semester and help him stay on track, because he can’t read the music. I volunteered. First of all, his dog was incredibly adorable and sweet. Second of all, I was having too much time on my hands during class anyway (I’ve already practiced the book for many lessons ahead of where we’re currently at). So helping him starting today during class, and it was very interesting for me. He taught me how to find the same chord up along the keyboard easily by knowing the number of white notes between the left and right hand. I helped him learn the G7 chord we were working on in class. He’ll just have to learn the melodies by ear, but I could assist his learning the two chords, at least. And I sit right by his awesome dog, who sleeps the whole class period. UP.

The story is going to start to change soon. I’m just warning you.

So I bought a cheapo guitar the other day. I can’t justify the purchase but I’ve been playing it every single day since then and having great fun. I became obsessed with guitar again after hearing the song, “Burning House” by Cam. The piano music for it cost money, but the guitar tab was free online. Of course, the guitar cost more than the piano music would have…but anyway. Now I’m learning “Closer” by Travis on the guitar and it’s lovely. My mom is also teaching me the fingerings for alto recorder via FaceTime, which is challenging. But I’ve been meaning to do that for years. She calls this time period “another of my manic music phases”. UH OH.

I wish I could begin to tell you another story, but this one is so confusing, I just don’t know what to make of it. There’s a story about my boyfriend and myself, and maybe even his mother. I don’t know where he and I stand at the moment. I’m going to use some buzzwords and say my “love tank” is running on empty. In other words, he’s not SHOWING me love in the way I am capable of FEELING loved. I believe it is happening the other way around, as well. Sometimes he comes home from work and I’m too uncertain and awaiting and don’t make any first moves. I just wait. What am I waiting for? Him to sweep me up off my feet and spin me around and say how wonderful it is to see me again?

Life was different when we lived in the apartment with his old roommate. Our lives were different. There were times when I came home and went to the grocery store and tried to cook parts of meals for our dinner. He would try to arrange his schedule to come home earlier and he’d help with other parts of the meals. He frequently played piano. I did homework and what else did I do? Play with Curie the cat? I vacuumed a lot.

Now, what is going on? He comes home and he always greets me but I am not always initially warm toward him. I feel a “waiting” inside, like waiting to see what the rest of the evening will be like, waiting to see what’s up. One time, I was smack in the middle of re-writing some guitar chords for a song that someone else had written out incorrectly, and he came in and immediately started to read to me my Accounting textbook and ask me questions about it — which is awesome and helpful from one standpoint, but it wasn’t what I was doing right then and there — I was finishing a personal project. So I don’t know, I don’t think I handled it very well, just trying to get us to go downstairs and help his mother with dinner because I couldn’t handle trying to suddenly switch my brain over and think about Accounting. But then I spent the rest of the evening worrying if I’d disappointed him or something.

But then there are also the times when he comes home, and he always greets me, and frankly I am not always warm toward him, and he spends most of the evening talking/discussing/debating/arguing politics with his mom. Or they watch the TV downstairs together and they’re both on their electronic devices, like she’ll be on her laptop doing research and he’ll either be on his laptop or reading news and stuff off of his phone. And I just go upstairs and listen to “Welcome to Night Vale” or music. Or now, I play guitar up here.

I do join them a lot, for various TV shows, like we are in the process of watching all of the Doc Martin episodes from start to finish. I don’t mean to say I always avoid them but sometimes, I really can’t handle the talking any more.

I’m handling my homesickness by talking with my mom over the telephone nearly every single day now. Sometimes I get to hear my dad’s hilarious background commentary. For example, yesterday I made my mom listen to me struggle through an easy Bach piece on piano. I must have been on speakerphone because at the end, my dad said, “Bach is rolling over in his grave!” But it’s SO funny when he says these things because he can’t keep a straight face even as he’s saying it, so he was cracking himself up while trying to say it to me. I love my parents so much.

My boyfriend is meeting me for my nighttime class each week. That’s pretty amazingly awesome. I was too afraid to take the class, and it’s across the city from the usual campus, but he said he’d meet me there after class and we’d bus home together. It’s been working. I was 15 minutes late to class last time, since I’m still very anxious about attending the night class, but at least I made it.

So I haven’t been spelling it out for you very well, but I get down sometimes. Just down. I’m not suicidal right now. I’m not even particularly self-injurious, with the exception of a very shit non-communication that took place when my bf got home late from work last night. I worked through it in a healthy way, though. I took care of some chores downstairs, thus making myself available should he wish to find me, and then going into the bathroom, closing the door, putting in some earbuds and jamming out to a current favorite song fairly loudly and with much dancing. I painted some of my fingernails between dancing. By the time he sought me out, he found me perfectly happy and having a personal dance/nail party and he was creeping in with a very anxious look on his face like he was so worried about whatever it was that had happened. I don’t know. We are just kind of shit for communication, but a lot of it is I’m finding myself reverting back to OLD PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR AND WITHDRAWING. That ain’t fair to anyone, and it’s not adult, rational, assertive behavior, and it’s not fair to ME. So it’s not what I want.

So it turns out that I misunderstood but one of my old TaskRabbits actually asked me out on a date like a month or two ago. At the time, I just responded letting him know who he was speaking with — I thought he’d written to the wrong innerdragon! But I later clarified, it was me! So that’s flattering but, I’m still into my boyfriend. I know we’re in a phase right now that’s going to require some killer hard work to pull our shit out of, but I still think it’s worth it. If that scale tips, well, then suck. I hope the scale doesn’t tip.

But the biggest downer in my life right now is the communication shit my boyfriend and I are going through. He sounded pretty amazed when last night, finally deciding to take some clonazepam, I was like, do you even like me? Do you even like spending time with me? Because I can’t tell. And long story short, that’s something we’re going to have to work on, because he does like me, of course, and want to be with me, but he’s going to have to learn how to show it in the ways I can FEEL again, because this ain’t working for me right now. And I told him we’re going to need to set aside some evenings for just reconnecting, like going on a walk-and-talk together or stuff like that, where we can just talk, because I feel disconnected from him, just waiting and wondering what the hell is going on. I was upset the other day when his mom was asking him over dinner about some training he’d done that day, and I was completely in the dark on that. So he had obviously told her about it and not me. The woes of living with your SO’s mother, let me tell you. And I was really upset about it and then…. I realized, I had talked on the phone with my own mom for like an hour that same day, and she knew all KINDS of things about my day that my bf has no idea about…. So then it was a little harder to blame him for that oversight. 😉

Anyway. Stay strong. Stay attending the classes. One of these days, I’m going to have to do that OTHER class’s homework — the one I’ve been avoiding because my book didn’t arrived until two days ago and the font hurts my eyes. But the disability center JUST sent me a copy of the whole thing as a PDF, so now I can have my computer read it to me. No more excuses for avoiding it.

…Unless you count that the software that came with it (and is necessary for the class) is for PC only, and I have a Mac… Ah life.

Note to my dear readers: Kindly REFRAIN from leaving any analysis of my relationship with my bf. There is so much more I would write if only I didn’t fear the judgements I sometimes receive on here. Please allow me to document my life here without fear of being told what I’m doing wrong and what you would do differently if you were me. Thank you for understanding!!

Trying to figure out class schedule

So I’ve been trying to figure out my schedule for this semester. It’s so hard. I have the mandatory classes locked in, so that’s good. Although one of my mandatory classes is on a different campus and at night… Feel free to take bets on how often I actually show up. Well, I’m going to try it anyway. My bf says he’ll meet me there after he gets off of work, but I’m a skeptic because I imagine the timing will be really tough. Two of my school friends from last semester will be in the class as well, but it doesn’t help me picture actually going there.

Anyway. So the problem I’m having is figuring out the non-mandatory classes while leaving enough room left in my days for studying AND my hopefully to-be tutoring job!!!

So I’ve gone nuts with all of the side classes I wish to take. I guess I feel like it might be my last semester as a student here, since I’ll have the certificate I want after this semester, if I pass the mandatory classes. I’ve spent DAYS adding and dropping classes online. I just can’t feel satisfied.

I’m presently signed up for a 1 credit piano class that is three times a week — just because I wanted something stable, something to make me go there at a certain time each day of the week — something easy that I wouldn’t avoid. But I just don’t know — three days a week is a LOT for me. Even though it’s brief and basic and I should be okay with it.

Then I’m determined to take an exercise class. I’ve cycled through them and am presently signed up for a 2 credit how-to-jog type class. It would fill in the other two mornings, but I’m afraid that STARTING my day with exercise might actually be something I avoid. I’m not sure. I wish the piano class was 5 days a week at the same time each day.

The biggest thing I’m trying to figure out is what to do with Fridays. Last semester, I had no classes on Friday and it was wonderful – I could study as needed that day. But I’m filling it in ONLY on the possibility of being a tutor on that day. See, so much depends on whether or not I’m going to be a tutor and if so, what my schedule will be! I haven’t been able to get hold of the person to turn my paperwork in to yet, though, so for now it’s still an unknown.

But if I don’t have a tutoring schedule on Fridays? Then will I really hate myself for having signed up for a brief piano class that morning? Paying more money for the public transit?

Speaking of which, I think it is possible for me to get reduced public transit since I’m a full-time student. I read that somewhere. I should figure out how to do that, and then I wouldn’t feel so yucky traveling an extra day each week.

My mom REALLY wants me to take a painting or drawing class — originally, that’s what I wanted too — but I just can’t seem to squeeze it in without blocking out almost every good chunk of time for every day, and I don’t know where the tutoring would fit in. It’s really sad. I am at a point with my art that I REALLY want some professional direction. I would love to take a class. But the only classes available are about six hours per week — AND that is NOT including the homework. The professor reviews reveal that many of them assign very time-consuming, detail-oriented homework. I just really don’t think I can do that.

BUT on the other hand, I need one more credit or I won’t be a full-time student! 😛 So I HAVE to tweak my schedule. IF ONLY there were a 1-credit drawing class. If only! But there’s not so I have to rearrange things again.

IF ONLY I could trust myself to get out of bed at the same time each morning and get to school on time. Then I wouldn’t have to play so many games with my schedule. Then I could leave the morning slots on this tutoring paperwork available and have much more time in the day!!!

New apartment?!

So here’s the thing. There’s this apartment available. I have until tomorrow morning to make the decision.

But it’s thrown me off. Because my bf and I already made this decision once, when we wrote our appreciative rejection. It was really hard at that point; I was really torn. But when I sent the email, it cemented the rejection in my mind. And a few things cleared up for me:

Like:

  • Thank goodness I don’t have to use a coin-operated, shared laundry room!!!
  • Thank goodness I don’t have to have my packages left on a concrete floor in a public walking space outside of a tiny mail slot, for anyone who lives around there (or who happens to visit it — it’s not a fenced space) to see. And take.
  • Thank goodness I don’t have to live 100 yards from the biggest radio tomorrow I’ve ever seen.

So she wrote back and said she’d decided to move out anyway. But then later she wrote back saying she’d given it a lot of thought, and would stay if we would be her roommates, and offered us a discounted price that is actually hard to refuse.

And meanwhile, my bf has thought about some of the things that had put him off about it before, and decided he’d like to give it a shot. But I’ve gone the opposite way.

The thing is:

  • The young lady seemed super nice and friendly. I think she’d be a nice roommate for us.
  • The price now can’t be beat in this entire city, frankly. No, that’s not true; I know of people in rent-controlled spaces who have been there for many years who pay a small amount for rent. But that’s the exception.
  • The location is BEAUTIFUL. It’s in the middle of a nature preserve, basically.

AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM!!!!! It’s in the middle of nowhere, within this city. So all I can think is DANGER! DANGER! Nobody can hear you scream. If I don’t catch one of the shuttles which I don’t believe run at all times each day, I would be walking, alone, for 30 minutes uphill to get home. There is even a stretch of the walk that has emergency phones every 30 feet or so. … My bf thinks this should comfort me but it does the opposite — OBVIOUSLY there have been safety issues in the past, or they wouldn’t have installed emergency phones every 30 feet!!!!!

  • She’d be a hiking partner as we walk through the woods and trails each weekend or whenever.
  • She knows everyone who lives around there by name, which is awesome.
  • She plans to organize board game nights with them, which I’d love.

But then let’s go back to the cons:

  • The lighting was shitty. Okay, so I’d be buying a lot of sun lights and such.
  • Sound transfers among the units, so we’d be hearing the toddlers nearby and THEY’D hear us practicing music, which may or may not be an issue.
  • The yoga teacher of the class where I met her warned my bf’s mom that this young lady just recently had to take out a restraining order against her violent, abusive ex. …

Back to the pros.

  • Did I mention it is a lovely area??? Lovely.

But here’s another thing in my mind:

  • If I wanted to live in the middle of the woods, I’d go back Home. I am accepting City Living here. I don’t plan to live in a City forever, but I am right now. But this wouldn’t be. It would be 30 minutes of walking secluded from City.
  • 30 minutes of walking ADDED ON to my commute to school.
  • 30 minutes of walking ADDED ON if I want to jog to the icecream shop (it wouldn’t happen; let that be clear).
  • 30 minutes of walking… and then I’d be too exhausted to do anything.
  • 30 minutes of walking… nope, I predict I’d never leave the apartment.

But my bf thinks it would motivate us to get out on the weekends and do things more. I guess because we’d feel isolated and would have to go journey for adventure? I’m concerned, to say the least. But the thing is, it had sounded pretty cool when it had first come up; why am I so against it now?

Before, I think I was seeing her friendliness and what it would be like to live with her, and the view, and thinking about how to make it work, like leaving earlier and…. yeah that doesn’t sound like me.

 

Evenings are not so good

It’s only just occurred to me, but evenings are really not so hot. You already know that mornings are killer lately, but I’m going to go out there on a limb and venture that evenings might actually be worse. I’m not sure where “evening” is beginning or ending for me, but somewhere, before I fall asleep at night but definitely after 5 pm, things are getting quite bad.

I’m going to think back, perhaps inaccurately, and state that I’m quite certain ALL urges to cut have been in the evening. All of them.

My psychiatrist has given me a few names of local psych people who might be able to help me. She also contacted my old therapist and got some names from her as well. There is a part of me that wonders if I should try to go back to my old therapist: I did improve so much while seeing her. But she’s so far away, I don’t think I could do it. And she wanted me every week which I started to obsess over financially too much.

I jogged today. It took a circuit breaker blowing out the Internet connection to force me outside. I had been watching these really awesome Accounting lectures online. The last of the setting sun touched my skin as I jogged. I jogged while listening to music this time, for the first time (I don’t always feel safe wearing earbuds in public – like someone is going to sneak up on me or something). It was nice. I felt the best ever on today’s jog — I was able to actually jog for much of the way to the icecream shop and even part of the way back, up the hills, even! It was amazing. I did have to slow for my lungs at some points. By the end, my legs were starting to feel it, but again, it was not so bad. I think I probably could have gone even father this time, but that’s not my goal. I don’t want to increase my distance until I can go there and back without too many walking breaks. It doesn’t matter to me if that is proper jogging goal-making — it’s just a personal goal.

I think I know what’s getting me in the evenings. But I don’t feel okay writing about it in a public space. I have a pretty strong, nagging suspicion now. But I don’t want it to be true. I want to go to therapy and work out everything in myself and have everything external fall into place because of it. … But my nagging suspicion is toward something external, and if that’s the deal, then I’m going to have to make a certain change that I don’t want to make. But this becomes stronger by the day and it’s really sad. It’s so hard to know, because it’s also one of my OCD obsessions, so I don’t know for sure. I definitely need to see a therapist soon though, either way. I’ll try to call one of the options tomorrow.

Tomorrow, the most important thing I can do is study a particular chapter of the Accounting textbook. It’s my last chance before the final, and the professor already stated that a lot of questions will come from this chapter, which I haven’t actually read yet. I did study a lot of older material all day long today, though.

Sleep time now

Petty words.
Petty speech.
What is profound?
Things crumbling, things feeling like they’re crumbling but not actually crumbling.
How about that?
Fear of you finding these words, keeps me from writing them?
Emotions go up, emotions go down.
Things are very good, things are off. Things are off.

School is winding down. I have a presentation tomorrow and a final. It shouldn’t be bad. Neither of them should be bad. The hardest part will be getting there… I haven’t been getting up early enough for morning classes in a month or more. I missed a lot of them. But I’m close now. If I can get up tomorrow, it will do a lot for finishing the semester. I need to get out of bed by 8:10 am at the latest. For real. I need to have my feet on the ground and be standing upright by 8:10 am. No shower, just put on clothes, grab some yogurt and go.

I don’t mind the simmering panic that’s tucked away inside of me. I know it’s for the grades. But I also know I’ll feel even worse about myself between semesters – so I must find something productive to do during that time. Perhaps I’ll volunteer somewhere… I’m doubting people hire for a week or two stint.

I’m listening to “Burning House”, a song introduced to me by the TV show “The Voice”, which I watched with my bf’s mother tonight. It’s one of those lovely, dark songs that twists my heart. (Random fyi: I’d vote for Jordan, personally. If I voted, which I haven’t.) His voice is so lovely, IMO.

Horses. I think I’ll go on a horse ride within the next month. As the finals approached and my stress built, I chose escapism in the form of my first real cellphone video game. It’s called, “The Horse” or something. Maybe “My Horse”. Anyway, it’s actually surprisingly well done. I surfed through a bunch of them and most were terrible and not worth even a few minutes of play. This one is perfect for my escapism. But I only need it for another week. I’m also rereading a book, slowly.

I’m down tonight for two reasons. If I’m being honest, one is because you haven’t displayed your affection in a way I can “feel” today. That would mean eye contact and probably a hug. The other is that it’s very late and you’re still working. You got home late which was fine but you’re still working an it’s past midnight and I hate to make a fuss but I can’t actually fall asleep if I’m “waiting” for someone. So I’ll be awake as long as you’re awake, but I don’t tell you, because that’s not your problem. That’s my problem. It’s a problem I’ve had for my whole, entire life. (Sleepover history, long stories there, believe me.) But I feel a lot like crying. I should just woman-up and go downstairs and tell you. I have a final tomorrow and I need to go to sleep and I can’t sleep until you’re in bed. … Or I could just sit and type here and wait. And listen to sad music. It’s kind of lovely, you know?

I played piano for a long time today.

Did I mention I got to go hiking this weekend?! It was so great. And I DIDN’T have to be pulled up any hills this time! I was so much stronger than the last time I’d been hiking — it must be from the attempts at jogging lately. Jogging is wonderful. It gives me a new identity to try to become. “I’m A Jogger.” Haha. If any of you saw me, you’d know it’s a laugh, but I’m really so pleased that I’m doing it. Even if I walk 25 minutes and jog for 3 minutes or whatever, I’m really trying and I’m so glad.

But my depression. In some ways, it’s very bad. In other ways, I’m still doing okay. It’s like there is a very strong split right now. I’m not functioning in any important way – screw sleeping myself, feeding myself, cleaning myself, whatever. I can’t get out of my room on my own. Yet, I am succeeding at school, when I’m there. I am succeeding at jogging. I am succeeding at practicing piano about six days a week.

But something so key, so vital, so important is just lacking. It’s just not there. It’s not here. It’s like, maybe the create vent is gone, maybe the feeling that I can do anything for the humanity or the world is not here right now.

I need to at least volunteer. Maybe I feel worthless without a job. I mean, I’m making a lot of effort for school, so in a way that’s a job, but it feels like a luxury to me. Luxuries mean a lot of guilt for me.

Oh dear, I forgot to pay for my pony’s feed this month! I need to send a check ASAP! Whatever am I going to do with my pony? Thank gawd it’s winter there and not the season where anybody buys horses so I can forgive myself for not taking care of this decision right now. Baby girl, you hang in there with my friend’s wonderful care. Life is crazy.

And oh yes, Oh yes have there been desires to cut myself. Oh yes. I don’t know what good it would do, I just want to sometimes. I’m so close and I know it’ll help me focus, that’s all.

Sleep time now. Whew. He finished his project (workaholics 😉 ). Let me sleep tonight, though, please. It’s been several nights since I’ve gotten a nice sleep. I’ve been waking up every hour or more frequently (literally). I would love to sleep soundly for these hours.

Goodnight, all. P.S. The jogging is also great because it gets me outside and in fresh(sort of) air. It’s wonderful for sure.

No longer getting out of bed

Well, believe it or not, there are some pluses and some negatives.

The biggest negative is probably that I’m no longer getting out of bed without assistance. Another negative is that I haven’t located external assistance yet, so my bf is getting the brunt of this at present. It’s not too cool, let me tell you.

But a pro is that I’m now a jogger. Haha. I started jogging 2 days ago but I’m determined. I don’t care if I only manage to jog for 3 minutes a day so long as I do it. Even if my only goal is to make it to the icecream shop not too far away and eat a cup of icecream so that jogging will result in weight gain. I don’t care right now, as long as I’m doing it.

I’m practicing piano nearly every day and a little bit of voice exercises as well. I’m still mostly just learning how to read the bass clef notes, but whatever. It’s really fun. Just let everyone else wear earplugs for a while so I can practice.

The semester is winding out but alas, I no longer recall the last time I attended either of my morning classes. This is pretty sad. It’s a big disappointment for me. I was doing so well for so long into the semester but I feel like I am too tired to get out of bed in the morning. And even if I get out of bed, if I’m alone I just sit there and don’t do anything and eventually fall back asleep. Even if I’m just sitting on the floor putting on my socks or something, I’ll run out of steam to move a muscle.

So I don’t know. I tried cutting my own hair the other day; it just hit me that my hair was too long and heavy and making me feel tired. Now it looks pretty silly but oh well, it’ll grow out.

I’m trying to eat slightly less now too, since I’m so unhappy with the weight gain.

Well okay, back to studying. Oh PS I didn’t get the job. I interviewed and did all right but I did bungle one of the most important questions they had for me. It turned out I got cold feet during the interview because part of what would have been my responsibility was to give IV’s to animals and also teach other recruits how to give IVs. I don’t honestly know if I am capable of inserting a needle into an animal. I don’t know if I could. So I got cold feet and never wrote them a follow-up thank you or anything at all.

If I can make it through the rest of this semester, I believe I can have a job as a tutor here next semester. But I need to do well in this class. Two more weeks or so and I need to maintain an A but I’m failing at getting out of bed. This is hard. = I make this hard.

It’s time for a change

Well all,
It’s that time again. Time to change themes, as I shed some part of myself I’ve outgrown.

There will be changes. I’m going to try posting a little bit more frequently. I’ve got to get back on track.

This life has to be okay or I have to change it.

In other news, I’m terribly Home sick. Terribly. I want to be with my folks and my dog so badly. I comforted myself tonight by picturing buying a plane ticket tomorrow. I do have a trip planned but it’s not soon enough and I don’t know how I’ll make myself leave once there.