Log: Jul 7 – Jul 9 (Tue – Thu) Sleep is the Word

Jul 7 (Tue): Therapy 9:00a; Work 11:00a – 5:30p;
Jul 8 (Wed): Work; Rest
Jul 9 (Thu): Work; Chores

Lawn Daisy

Lawn Daisy

Tuesday: Therapy in the morning, then work. Then… Sheesh, I don’t remember. I was pretty tired. Busy days at work, which is great. I biked from therapy to work, and biked from work to the last possible train stop before there is no way of biking to Peter’s city. Then I got off the train as soon as possible and biked the rest of the way to his apartment. It was fun. I had too much antsy-type energy to go to bed that night, so we went on a night walk, and I was able to sleep when we got back. It was nice.

Wednesday: Work. It was really fun. I got to hand stamp 175 envelopes and stick the address labels and return address labels onto them. I like that kind of brainless, hands-on task. Then, I accidentally stayed late, although I’d already clocked out. I stayed late to get personal things done, like updating my budget. I had to backtrack to mid-June, so it took quite a while to get caught up again. I’m like $3000 in the hole this month. I think all the health insurance confusion caught up with me, as well as applying to school and whatnot.

So I got home late, cooked up some casual food (just some pasta and leftovers; actually Peter reheated the leftovers and boiled the broccoli after I had finished washing & chopping it). I’m glad for that. I hope it doesn’t drive him crazy. I am happy washing and cutting, but the actual cooking still scares me. I have such a long history of over-under-burning-rubberizing-etc my foods. Yuck. Oh, well.

THEN the exciting parts comes in. It was already very late by this point, but I got a little sweeping in and then I got to do some of my paper filing, which was I was several months behind on. SUCH RELIEF to have some of my junk filed away. And I found a wardrobe thingy online that Peter also agreed to, so I might buy it within the next 7 days so I have a better way of storing my belongings. We’ve discussed beds but no resolution on that yet. Next, I just need to get up the nerve to talk with his roommate about getting permission to trim the tips off of one of his cat’s front toe nails (she’s ruining all of my clothes and draws blood from me all the time, just because she is very friendly and loves to be on/near me, but is very stupid with retracting her claws). She gets stuck on things all the time. She isn’t a cat who deserves extremely sharp claws. She doesn’t use them well. She is a perfect cat for a touch of nail trimming, and I’m very familiar with how to do it. She doesn’t mind me handling her paws at all; Peter says he used to do that a lot when she was a kitten, so she’d be good with it. But still… permission from owner is what I need next.

Curly Plant

Curly Plant

Thursday: Well, I’m at work, and have one task awaiting me, but it’ll just take about five minutes to complete. Then I’ll do the dishes and vacuuming. Perhaps by then I’ll have more tasks.

BUT in the meanwhile, I’ve been doing personal business all week. Today, I’ve contacted insurance yet again, because they sent me a termination letter to my OLD address under my OLD last name, and the letter itself was really weird. I called and they had no idea why the letter had been sent but told me to ignore it. … Hmm. *has feeling this could come back to bite me in the butt some day*

Yesterday, I tried to get all of my ducks in a row for work study at the new school, but they actually thwarted me by saying because I am not a summer student, I can’t get the TB testing until a week before Fall semester begins. They won’t let me apply for work study until I’ve had a TB test, which they offer for free… but I feel like the jobs will be taken by then. Somewhere close to a zillion students attend this school each semester.

P.S. Sleep is the Word, because… I have been EXHAUSTED this week. I mean EXHAUSTED!!!!! EXHAUSTED. I am trying to sleep better, but I think I’m stressed. I’ve been clenching my jaw all night again for about a month now. My to-do list is so big and although I’m crossing stuff off of it every day, more stuff is always being added. My acne is still getting worse every day and it’s driving me crazy. What’s with it?!?!

Mood Ranking of These Days: 4 – 5.2

Log: Jul 4 – Jul 6 (Sat – Mon) Social Days

Jul 4 (Sat): Unknown;
Jul 5 (Sun): Unknown;
Jul 6 (Mon): Work;

Will Ferrell picture, says: Sometimes I use big words I don't always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

Look, it’s me! Haha.

Saturday: I believe Peter & I went to my workplace to see if his book got left behind there, but no. 😥 We went to my aunt & uncle’s house, and I picked up some items. I also sought out my uncle who was tending the garden, and I told him about my Fall 2015 school plans. It went over all right, it seemed! Whew. Then Peter and I went to his mom’s house and had BBQed food. (I still have some issues of feeling incredibly stupid around his parents, because they exchange so much knowledge all the time, which is awesome, but I have nothing to add because I don’t read articles or news like they do. They deal in facts, supported by solid references. I learn a ton listening to them, but I’m basically silent. It’s like listening to really passionate Economics, Microbiology, Social Studies, Political, Worldly lectures. I mean, on Sunday night, his dad is silent at his computer for a while, and then looks up and says, “I think I just came up with a cure for [insert name of rare disorder here].” And he’s not joking. That’s what he does for his work, is help find cures for rare diseases and disorders. And then can explain it all the way down beyond the cell level.) We got back to Peter’s place by 11:30p and then I went up onto the roof to watch for fireworks (there were some).

Sunday: Lazy morning. I’m talking, I didn’t get out of bed until my lunchtime alarm went off at 12:45p. I haven’t been sleeping well again. We made a breakfast/lunch, and then Peter practiced piano and I decided to scrub some parts of the kitchen that I wasn’t convinced were free of possible raw meat juices from previous meals. That took a while. Then we went with Peter’s folks to a family friends’ kids’ birthday party. And I do mean plural on the birthday kids. There were 3 birthdays being celebrated. The twins just turned 2 and the older kid must have turned 13. There were a lot of younglings there of very varying age ranges. We were there until quite late. The kids were fun but I was on quite a bit of stimulus-overload by the time we got back home. I needed some quiet time to myself but it was too late at night. So I went to bed but knew I couldn’t possibly fall asleep, so I listened to a soothing song that one of YOU WordPressers introduced me to. I had it on repeat until about midnight, and then was able to sort of drift off to sleep (well, I’d accidentally consumed some lactose during the party dinner, so the gas wasn’t helping me fall asleep).

The song: https://youtu.be/O5x57-TusWA

Monday: Got up and made it to work early. Paid a medical bill. My acne is out of control (has been for days). I have so much on my mind.

  • Locate school books (buy or rent)
  • Apply for student work study for Friday mornings
  • Submit claims forms to insurance
  • Pay 2nd medical bill
  • Locate cheap shelving unit
  • Get rid of the clothes I want to give back to good will
  • Find home for my horse, who has lived in a different state from me for a year
  • Sell my car, I guess. Maybe.

Mass Mood Ranking: 4 – 5.1

Log: Jun 1 (Mon) SO MUCH TO DO

Jun 1 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p

I have SO MUCH TO DO before I leave to visit my grandma.

  • (M): Call insurance and beg and plead if there is any way for me to pay today although I missed the cut-off by a day. …sent detailed plea.
  • (M): If SOL, contact state insurance and make appointment to speak with someone …made appt for tomorrow
  • (M): Call pharmacy and see if I can pick up more thyroid medicine so I don’t run out while out of town. …Nope, out of refills.
  • (M?): Pick up the second jam? …No.
  • (M): After work, buy the moisturizer …No, I don’t want to. …I did it anyway. 🙂
  • (T): If so, pick up thyroid medicine …Dr didn’t get me my refills yet, so no.
  • (T): Return my library books …Done.
  • (T): Pick up check from uncle’s house …Done.
  • (T): Pick up purple shirt from uncle’s house …Done.
  • Log onto financial site (fuck! I forgot about that problem!!!$@#)
  • Send them my 2 forms of ID….assuming I can find the letter they sent informing me I need to do that. !#$#!@#$

To pack:

  • Medications
  • Purple shirt
  • Jam(s)
  • Green jacket to return (look through closet/dresser for other items to return)
  • Bathroom items (toothbrush, toothpaste, moisturizer, DO)
  • Some under garments
  • 1 pair of pants, 1 sweatshirt, 2 t-shirts
  • Electronics (phone, charger, ipad mini, camera, its cord, headphones, connector cable if I can find it)
  • 1 book; some paper + a pen

Comic: Child HATES COOKING (Comic#039)

I have to COOK

I have to COOK

True stories.

I learned early on that cooking was a horrible, horrible burden. My mom never meant it to seem that way. But from my eyes, it was like she was chained to the kitchen while the rest of us relaxed and goofed off. We unwound and were enterained while she worked and slaved in the kitchen. It didn’t seem fair or right to me at all.

I vowed to myself that I would NEVER. NEVER be in that position. I would NEVER cook.

In adult life, I find this affects me in more ways than my resentment toward cooking. I also find that if someone else is doing chores, I cannot relax or be idle (except when I am COMPLETELY exhausted). If one person is doing chores, then we are all doing chores. If you are cooking, then I will clean the counters, or do the dishes, or sweep, or put things away. I will not be idle when you are working on house chores. And I mostly will not do chores if you are goofing off — I’ll wait to do mine when you are also doing chores. It motivates and drives me.

Log May 13 + 14 (Wed + Thu) Chores I am good at; chores I avoid

May 13 (Wed): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Music night w/Peter 6:45p

May 14 (Thu): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Dinner at Peter’s place 7p


View of water during my bike ride

View of water during my bike ride

I’m too tired to tell the UPS story right now, but it’s now 4 days long and ended with me bicycling 16 miles to go get it from them myself. I might be a bit more cranky because I’m sore after having a little spill on some concrete (completely unnecessary fall; just misjudged something).

Nobody’s at the office today. I feel like leaving, although I have another half hour. I guess I’ll take out the trash (needed) and then I could vacuum a little bit. I just want to leave. I have things to be doing.

Mostly I want to go to the Post Office and pick up a package that my mom sent me. Meanwhile, I keep calling two different post offices to set up a Passport appointment, but neither will answer their phone. It’s been two days. I guess I have to find my way there in person to set up the appointment. Then why does the paperwork and websites and such say I can call to make an appointment? Liars.

Heh, I’m crabby! My body is very sore. It wasn’t a bad fall; I’m just sore. My watch has some blood on it that I should probably clean off. OMG is it nap time??? Okay okay, I’ll settle down and log.

Log: Wednesday: Woke up at Peter’s place. Lovely. I don’t recall the work day. I got off an hour late, waiting for UPS to arrive, as the driver had told me over the telephone, but he never arrived so I finally called them again and left. Meanwhile, Peter got another ingredient and made dinner for us. So delicious; he’s such an amazing cook. Then we practiced music. Awesome. It was fun. We went to bed pretty early and I took some clonazepam this time, since I’d had such terrible insomnia the night before. If that’s not on the Tuesday log, it should be. I’ll go add it and come back to this. BRB

Okay, I am back. So Wednesday. Work. Music practice. Sleep early.

Thursday: Woke up at Peter’s place. Yay. Got up, showered, he made breakfast and I made myself PBJs for lunch. (He doesn’t need lunches made because of the way his work is set up.) Work today. Half the time was spent trying to get the UPS package. Well, I didn’t know I could bike 16 miles with hardly a break, so yay me. Pretty damn cool.

Tonight, I don’t yet know what I want to accomplish. I’m going to go back to Peter’s. I’m going to finish the sweeping I started last night while he was finishing cooking dinner. I want to be productive when he is, you know? Unevenness, in my experience, can build to some resentment, which I’d like to avoid. I don’t have the same skill range as him, what with the cooking and even the cleaning of the heavy pans, but I am good at other things so I want to bring those to the table, so to speak. Sweeping + vacuuming are my #1’s. Putting away clean dishes is a #2. Cleaning mirrors and windows are my #3’s. Putting things away if I know precisely where they are supposed to go is my #4. Keeping a sink area clean and tidy is a #5. I can do toilets pretty well, but I hate every second of it. I do it the OCD way, which could be a nice future blog post, and would explain why I hate it so much. Mowing a lawn isn’t applicable here. Tending to indoor plants is a favorite of mine but also, not presently applicable. Tending to my pets, not applicable here & now. Oh, I’m great at keeping up with laundry now! (I was horrible at that as a child.)

So the chores I either avoid or loathe are all the ones that can be quite complex-and-multi-step (such as cooking) and things that use a lot of physical strength (such as scrubbing heavy pots, or carrying heavy, wet clothes outside to be hung to dry). I also avoid ones that affect my wet/dry status. If something is going to get my skin wet, I’m going to avoid it. Such as cleaning the shower. The way I do it, my wrists will almost certainly get wet. Even if I use long gloves, water seems to always drain down them. There must be a better technique. There is also the avoidance of chores that involve “contaminants” such as cleaning the toilet bowl or cleaning a shower or ceiling that might have mildew starting. Or a window sill that stays too damp and molds. I HATE cleaning those. But I am good at it.

Indoor pet accidents are hard for me to clean up because I will gag from the odor. If I wear gloves and a mask, to feel more distant, I can do it. Day’s Mood Ranking: 4.5-5.5

Okay, I’m going to go and take out the garbage now. Oh! I’m good at keeping up with taking out the garbage and such! But first, my list for today:

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: tofu? …ALTERED (sausage + quinoa)
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s): green beans …ADDED TO (also onion, bell pepper, sauerkraut)
*Other: …ADDED TO (tea)

To Buy:
*Vegetable peeler (but will I get the straight or the Y shape?)

To Do:
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures …SUCCESS
*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

*After work: Make a bunch of PBJs and bring to work + freeze

Update for the rest of the evening: We ended up cooking (he cooked; I made the quinoa), I finished sweeping, he practiced piano, I got ready for bed, we watched a movie on his laptop called “The Awful Truth”. Bed too late.

Log: May 11 (Mon) First night alone

May 11 (Mon): Work 10:15a – 5:30p; Bring my aunt the jam from “Peter’s” mom, as well as a few flowers and a slice of watermelon, if they look good at the store after work; Vacuum my aunt + uncle’s house; Laundry; Rest; The following:

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: Canned salmon …ALTERED
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s): Romaine lettuce, tomato …ALTERED

To Buy:
*Trail mix, to bring to work
*Lettuce + Tomato
*Flowers for my aunt …SUCCESS
*Watermelon slice for my aunt …SUCCESS

To Do:
*Any time: Update bottom paragraph of resume; Finalize references; Submit along w/ cover letter …UPDATED BUT haven’t submitted
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures

*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

*Any time: Update budget …SUCCESS the next day
*Any time: Schedule dental appt …SUCCESS

Log: This will be my first night alone in a surprisingly long time. I haven’t had much alone time lately, so I’m looking forward to it. If my uncle is in a good mood, I’ll probably chill with him tonight. If he’s not, I’ll be in my room, alone, doing alone things like filing some paperwork I’ve fallen behind on, and catching up on some emails and whatnot. Maybe I’ll read. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll sketch. Maybe I won’t. Maybe or not. 🙂

So we woke up this morning and made breakfast. He made me more quinoa so I’d have a complete protein available today. Then we had a little extra time so we ended up making some eggs and bacon anyway, but I have the quinoa and some home-grown carrots (his mom’s) for lunch. I didn’t put any thought into lunch for today, so it’s just that. I see that I have a PBJ leftover from last Friday in the fridge, too. I’ll be good.

((The “cut” goes here))

UPDATE: After work, I took the train home and grocery shopped for myself and the pick up the watermelon and flowers for my aunt. I made a dinner for myself that wasn’t too tasty until I added sunflower seeds to it. But it looked fancy. It was shredded baby cucumber, green onion, and bell pepper. Then I added some olive oil, rice vinegar, salt, a mix seasoning, and some fresh lemon juice. It was all right but improved with the unsalted sunflower seeds.

Then I cleaned up after myself, washed the dishes that were already in the sink, and ran a load of laundry. Then I sketched (I posted one of them). I went to bed by 11p. I had a terrible anxiety attack while waiting to fall asleep. It started from replaying an innocent conversation I had with Peter or his folks or something, but rapidly spiraled into thinking about my ex and and then remembering the time of the falling apart and then came the emotional torment of the knowledge of things gone wrong and how it could happen and how things were when we thought we’d end up together forever, etc. Moment of panic and being almost unable to survive it. If you’ve never had a panic attack, it’s hard to explain the moment of feeling like you will literally not survive it. A moment of terror like there is no escape. It was not too bad as far as that goes; I still felt able to breathe at least. I don’t know how I stepped out of it fast enough that I was able to calm back down and sleep within another 45 minutes. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4 – 5

CUT FOR SOME TMI GROSSNESS (my throat is not healthy)

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Log: Apr 29 (Wed) –got a bit stressed today

Apr 29 (Wed): Work 10:00a – 5:30p, Lunch with Shelly 1p, Go to beach w/ “Peter” 6:40p, Grocery shopping and make food w/ “Peter” 6:30p

The elusive cat

This cat is very shy of me still. He’s come close to me a couple of times. In this photo, he was being quite brave.

Today, “Peter” and I got up around 7:30a to prepare for the day. I needed to be at work by a certain time for a pick-up. So we got ready for the day and enjoyed another amazing home-cooked breakfast (not as elaborate as yesterday, but still amazing to me): I made scrambled eggs, and he made the tea, my non-dairy yogurt with homemade red plum jam swirled into it, and an avocado that I had bought the day before.

We parted ways and I got to work on time. I didn’t have any tasks first thing this morning, so I ended up vacuuming the whole office (it took me 45 minutes and the dust canister was pretty full afterward, so it’s a good thing I did). I also put away the clean dishes, washed the few dirty ones that were in the sink, scrubbed the sink and the counters, and made the coffee. I took the garbage out last night so that was already done. It’s satisfying to do hands-on tasks like that.

I later learned that the pickup had been taken care of by a different coworker earlier in the morning, so although my timely arrival turned out to be non-mandatory after all, I’m glad I was here earlier. I would like to get to work even earlier than this in the future. I’d like to always be here by 9:30a but I’m usually closer to 10:30a or even 11a.

Work has been productive (although now I am at a point where I’m out of tasks; there is a spreadsheet I’ll need to input data into on the horizon but hasn’t been given to me yet). AND I met Shelly for lunch at my favorite nearby restaurant, and that was fun. She gave me some brilliant ideas for my upcoming goal (bring homemade lunches to work for ALL OF MAY). Which leads me to what I really want to discuss: FOOD!!!!!

I’m cutting this and will begin my food discussion as its own post.

***UPDATE*** I am now EXTREMELY anxious. I have not told my uncle that I won’t be home tonight. I wasn’t home last night. And my plan is to not be home tomorrow night, either. I’m super duper anxious. I’ll be leaving soon for “Peter”‘s city, theoretically. I feel like canceling. What if my uncle has been looking forward to seeing me? That’s one anxiety. What if what if what if. A lot of the anxiety is stemming from the fact that I’m breaking my own rule. See, originally, TODAY was when I was headed to “Peter’s” city. We were going to see another of the films of the festival. Only that plan has been cancelled. Music Night was added last night. And instead there is a plan for tonight for heading to the beach. But tomorrow is another film. I have nothing against staying over there three nights in a row. There are no negatives for me, only positives. However, it’s a break in my rules and I’m finding myself very disturbed.

Maybe I should cancel and go home? At home, I would make the food for tonight and leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch. At “Peter’s”, we would assumedly be making the food and then going to the beach? No, there is not time for both. That could be adding to the anxiety. It doesn’t add up, does it. How can I get there by 6:45p, shop for some groceries, make food for tonight and tomorrow (7:15 have shopped, 8:30 have cooked?). Yeah, the numbers don’t add up. Shit.

Okay, I just wrote him, along with my meal plan. Carrots, green beans, brussels sprouts, probably chicken, maybe quinoa. He thinks it sounds delicious. I’m still super anxious, so it’s mostly worry about my uncle that’s eating me alive on the inside right now. *DEEP BREATH* I have to write him. | Okay, I have now written to and heard back from my uncle, and all’s well.

***UPDATE X2*** So the evening actually got a bit stressful! First of all, it was wonderful. We went grocery shopping and I wasn’t thinking clearly but managed to pick up some random ingredients. My recipes weren’t going to work because some of the ingredients didn’t look very good in the store, so I got other, random vegetables and such. I got some super fucking exciting news but I don’t know if I’m ready to share it online yet.

Cooking went all right but ran very long because I was so ill-prepared, had been unable to pull together any sort of plan, and depended on “Peter” for way too much of the executive functioning thinking stuff. I got overwhelmed. I should, next time, only offer to be responsible for a single side-dish. Start smaller.

It ran very late. “Peter” was cooking a chicken in the oven but it ran much longer than he expected. I was exhausted. At some point, I did make myself 2 PBJs to bring for lunch today (and an orange). And I have some rice cakes at the work place, and work has peanut butter, so I can make something edible out of that if I get hungry. Anyway, something stressed me that I did but hadn’t meant to do (too long to explain). So I felt really stressed. I even played a song off my phone then, to help ground me (“Stay With My Brother” by The Botticellis). I played it really quietly for myself, three times through and then was calmer and “Peter” started to play piano for a bit.

Exit building BEFORE tweeting about the fire

Exit building BEFORE tweeting about the fire

We went to bed. Everything was good. I slept like a rock until “Peter” got up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen, where I then heard his roommate. They were there for a while. I wanted to care and I also wanted to sleep, so I didn’t get up. Eventually, I heard his roommate say something in a somewhat upset voice about there being no fire detector in the fucking apartment and something or other, and then he left. I didn’t hear anything else said.

So I finally asked what had happened. It turns out that “Peter” had left a pot of water with chicken bones on the stove, boiling it for a broth, and all of the water had evaporated (I didn’t know there was something boiling on the stove or I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep). So his roommate had smelled something and investigated, and the kitchen was full of smoke. And there were no fire alarms or detectors. So that is very unsafe!!!!! I think his roommate is going to contact the landlord about it today.

“Peter” was upset because his roommate was upset and because it was his mistake, and they hadn’t really gotten to discuss it before his roommate left to sleep at his workplace for the night. I wasn’t upset because I was too tired to be upset. So we had the windows open and fan running, trying to get the smoke and smell out. He was scrubbing the burned pot. We took a journey to bring the compost down to the building’s compost area. I never looked at a clock; it’s easier for me to feel rested if I’m unaware of the time in the middle of the night.

Eventually, we went back to sleep. Today’s Mood Ranking: 3-5-7  (3 from the sudden, intense anxiety before I left work; 7 was only for a short while, after I heard such majorly exciting news)