Topic: Altering ANGER

Ever since my thyroid dose was lowered, I’ve had a lot of trouble with my irritability. I can go from happy-happy-happy to anger in about a split nano second. Unfortunately, once I’m angry, it LASTS.

I’ve tried a bunch of things by now, including talking through it with whomever was unlucky enough to trigger the mood change, but the most recent attempt at easing my mind is the only one that’s had any success. That’s not true; drugs like anti-anxiety medicine and sleep medicine help, too.

I’m talking moments of rage. Terrible urges to stomp around, say incredibly hurtful, spiteful things, break something, slam doors, leave and never come back. These are things I acted out on as a child; I would slam doors, throw things, scream and cry and stomp around and refuse to speak with the person for the rest of the day.

My current experiment is to force myself to think of something I appreciate that the other person has done at any point, ever.

Just think of one thing.

Peter, thank you for bringing me warm, caffeinated “floor tea” morning after difficult morning.

My forehead already feels more relaxed. Let’s try another one.

Peter, thank you for joining me on that really long walk last year when I was so angry that I had to release the tension in the only healthy way I could think of at the time: walking and walking and walking in the dark.

I can make myself extremely, extremely angry with my thoughts. But I can also make myself feel okay again. One is easy (hint: it’s the anger). One is nearly impossible. Do you know how hard it is to allow a fixated thought to step aside and let a gentle thought come into focus? It feels satisfying and right to wallow and bathe in anger. I can snowball all kinds of things into a rage my body can hardly contain in its cells.

Or I can think just one – just one – gentle, peaceful, loving thought.

Mundane Update

I’m calling this a mundane update. I’d say that I normally only come on here when my emotions are high or out of whack or something’s eating me, etc.

But I logged in for a different reason this evening, and thought, perhaps I would go ahead and write. Because writing helps me stay stable.

And I feel completely stable at present. I.E. I normally wouldn’t be writing. So here I am.

I’ll give a day recap. I had a big exam this morning in computer programming. I hope it went okay; time will tell. Tutoring was really challenging because students from one of the other classes came in for emergency help (their exam is tomorrow) but it was from a class that hardly anyone asks for help for, so I don’t remember the content very well. And I hadn’t brought the right notes; I didn’t realize some of those classes were that far in the book. I don’t bring my full notes because they’re so heavy.

I actually went across town after school/work. That’s not my norm. But last night, I got an invite to dinner with my SO and some of his friends, one of whom I have met a couple of times now and I enjoy his company. So we went even though it was for a very late dinner and we only just got back a bit ago. It’s late. I’m super sleepy.

I’m getting over a virus. I had to take like a week off of school. I missed the exam review and the last bit of new info for it and everything! So I studied a lot this-past weekend.

Pokémon Go is pretty exciting right now. They re-balanced the gym prestige. And this week, or for a few days anyway, they’re running these crazy double-poké stop goodies and double (or more) spawn rates of critters. This is tied into my getting-over-my-virus because I finally feel a bit of energy returning so I’m probably going to go out on a Poké bike ride tomorrow after work, or at least a nice walk. I walked a tiny bit extra today, and it was really nice. The sunset was amazing.

I’m super, incredibly behind in my online school. Well, only a week or 2, but it feels like a lot. It’s because my current class is a writing-based class and I suck at writing papers. I have one I need to revise TOMORROW (I’m telling myself that) and then I need to write one more paper. Then I can move onto a different class, thank goodness.

Well, I’m incredibly sleepy beyond words, so goodnight. Voting is tomorrow here but I already voted.

Morning #4 Update

Flowering tree

Flowering tree (from yesterday’s walk)

I did not go to sleep at a decent hour last night. I stayed up much too late. Then, because I had stayed up late, I couldn’t fall asleep once I did go to bed. I had terrible insomnia.

So naturally, this morning did not progress as the other days have been doing. It did not really set me far backwards (I was up before 11!!), but it was not pleasant. I had too much anxiety because of knowing the few number of hours I’d actually been sleeping. Once I made myself play music again, though, I did not fall back asleep and eventually did get up (and SHOWER!).

Today’s MOODS: I have not slipped at all today, yet! It’s kind of amazing. I was anxious in the morning, obviously, but then was neutral/happy all morning, happy enough at work (okay, I did want to run and go home really strongly at one point; because nobody gave me any tasks to complete except for boxing up things today). But I’m STILL neutral/happy. My face is breaking out a little bit (acne). To me, that still seems more likely that the iron-messed-up-period is to blame for quite a lot. 🙂 (Gotta love theories that can’t be proven.) ALONG with the Wellbutrin withdrawal! My personal verdict for today, although it’s not over yet? STABLE. Thank. God[].