(Fear of) Morning mornings mornings Weekends! (Topic#037)

Why do I fear the morning? I’m going to list out a few reasons for you!

  • There is an entire day ahead
  • Full of unknowns
  • As soon as I get out of bed, I no longer have control of the day
  • If I stay in bed, I might feel guilt, anxiety, self-hate, and more, but I am at least in control of my movements
  • Once I am out of bed, others tell me the plan, what to do, and when
  • The day might be long
  • The day might be exhausting
  • I will not be allowed to rest once my reserves are spent
  • I might not have a chance for snacks when my blood sugar crashes
  • I might have to do activities or say things or be in places where I am uncomfortable and unprepared
  • I will be the child, the passenger, in no control once the day is started (because I choose to spend the day with you and not alone)
  • If I know the plan ahead of time, I can prepare for it (the weather, the time away from home, meeting new people, etc)
  • I could screw up socially, with anybody known or new
  • If I know the plan ahead of time, I can get anxious about aspects ahead of time, too. 😉
  • If walking, skiing, biking, shopping, hiking, etc., I might not be able to take breaks as needed; nobody needs rests as often as I do

I’d say that about sums it up!! 😀

Saturday morning fear of getting out of bed (Journal#035)

I am documenting a Saturday morning yet again, because I just KNOW that one day, a solution is going to come to me!

Here’s the scoop. It’s morning. I actually woke up at 12:30p which is pretty good for me. I’ve only been hanging around in bed for fifteen minutes, that means.

Y’all already know I slept pretty poorly, what with the random anxiety attack 1.5 hours into my sleep. Here’s the graph:

Saturday morning

Saturday morning

Okay, so I was restless most of the night again (you can find all of this info on my Sleep Experiments menu page, btw, but it’s terribly ugly because WP keeps reformatting my hand-written table HTML code and giving it terribly tall spacing and removing my borders. 😦 )

Anywho, so I’m awake! I can hear their voices upstairs. My cousin is strumming a guitar which is awesome. There’s pacing steps above my head. And here I am, scared to go up there. My thoughts:

  1. I need to take my medicine
  2. I need to eat breakfast
  3. I can’t do either because they’re upstairs and I haven’t showered in a week and I’m very gross
  4. So I need to shower
  5. I’ve got to eat some food before I shower; I’m starting to feel weak and shaky
  6. How do I go up there without being seen, when I can tell they’re up there?
    1. I could wrap myself in a big blanket?
    2. I could brush my hair first and pretend I don’t see the grease?
    3. Also, my current PJs are too ugly to let my cousin see
    4. I can’t change because all of my clothes are in the washing machine (I forgot to move them into the dryer last night)
  7. I need to move my clothes into the dryer so I have clothes to change into after the shower
  8. So obviously a shower is out of the question
    1. (Why the heck did that just publish?!)
    2. Either wrap myself in a blanket or
    3. Pull on other random clothes so I’m not as ugly, but I’ll still be stinky & greasy

Okay, that’s settled then. LOL

BUT what I’m THINKING is — why don’t I start keeping food downstairs?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Isn’t that brilliant?!?!?! If I keep food downstairs, then I wouldn’t have to fear going upstairs because I wouldn’t have to go upstairs! Oh, I’d have to keep some spare medicine down here too!!!! It’s brilliant.

I think that’s going to solve a lot of my morning anxieties!!!

Other tips, all brought to me by my TaskRabbit:

  • I have a small heater run for a half hour each morning so I don’t have to avoid my room due to coldness
  • I keep a glass of water by my bed for the morning, and drinking it really does help me wake up
  • I just purchased a candle scented, allegedly, to help with awakeness and energy. I have it lit right now and it’s quite a pleasant scent

Now there is a raised voice upstairs too. But I’m not too anxious. Probably that’s because of the clonazepam I took in the middle of the night. 🙂 I don’t know how I ever survived without anti-anxiety meds. WOW now he is SHOUTING. SHOUTING. Oh, it’s about sports. Expletives and something about you can’t miss that pass. Thank god for anti-anxiety meds being on board, that’s all I can say, because it’s barely even affecting me. Sweeet.

Zoey squirrel

Zoey squirrel

Okay I’m going to go start my day. I’m going to throw on some random clothes, brush my hair, start my laundry into the dryer, and then brave the upstairs world. Normally I’d be scared, too, about the unknowns of the day, but again, I’ve got some meds on board, and I’m pretty calm about the different prospectives. We might be traveling to a distant city today, which always gives me worry, but I think I’m going to feel okay declining the trip today. I need to stay home and tackle some chores. I haven’t vacuumed in a LONG time! I haven’t done any chores in a LONG time. There’s stuff I need to DO today! Lol. It’s going to be great. I’m going to play some of my favorite musics and just maybe I’ll be all alone because they’re going to the distant city. I don’t know yet if my cousin is going. If he’s going, I’ll want to go too, but I’m still going to refuse. I need to get some crap DONE!

[I was only delayed in bed for 38 minutes!!!! That is really good for me!!!] 😀

(Part of) Why I’m Blogging (Topic#036)

Autumn Leaf

Autumn Leaf

So a big part of the reason that I’m blogging now is to set down some of my stories in a fairly permanent way. It matters to me because I forget things in a way that’s hard to describe.

The worst time was when I went away to college in the first place. I arrived across the country, ready for college. Within the first two weeks, something was noticeable that was unlike the other freshmen there. I couldn’t remember my past. I could remember big things like my parents. But I couldn’t remember middle or high school times. People would ask each other questions about different experiences from school and friends and what not, and I was drawing a complete blank. I   literally couldn’t remember. It wasn’t just like it was fuzzy and vague — it was literally not there. I couldn’t remember who I’d been before in a pretty big way.

On the plus side, that meant I got to start over on some things. Like I was NOT shy there. I did make lots of friends. I was constantly, CONSTANTLY active (I joined nearly every club I could; I had NO FREE TIME from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed). I gained 15% of my high school body weight. I had a huge appetite and ate things I would never have touched before.

I was excited, I was gregarious, I had motivation. I had little memory of a time before I arrived there.

Some things remained constant. I was still tardy a lot. And I was still always the last to leave a classroom. And I still had trouble finishing my projects by the end of the given time period. But I was very different.

So yeah, I am somewhat obsessive about knowing a full story. And if that ever happens again, I want to have a way to remember. I don’t care if I never revisit this again; at least it will be here. Something stable and solid in the Universe.

I’m scared shitless of it happening again. When I travel, it is only to visit relatives. Known quantities where the chance of my ‘losing myself’ is much more slim. Preferably my parents would be with me as well. I’m here at the moment and my parents are not. I could certainly, and I know I am changing somewhat. But so long as I don’t forget everything again, and I think blogging some things here has helped me to stay grounded somewhat. I just hope it won’t prevent me from growing, too. It’s probably a double-edged sword. [I don’t feel like going back through and making that somewhat grammatically correct.]

So those are my “Topic” posts, mostly. That’s mostly me trying to document a story I don’t want to lose again. The “Journal” posts are mainly just how I’m doing and carrying on in the meanwhile, while I get all the other stuff down ever-so-slowly.

Pondering Education (Journal#024)

Here’s a list of all the college-level courses I’ve passed to date. Some of these don’t transfer well because they are from two different schools. I did not include any that I did not pass. 🙂 I’m just pondering, if I did go back to school, what would I major in? (The first time around, I was on course to be an Art major.)

*This list should now be complete*

AGRI A138 Organic Gardening 1
ART A100 Painting for Everyone Audit
ART 103 Drawing I 4
ART 104 Design 4
ART 202 Ceramics I 4
ART A209 Beg. Metalsmith & Jewelry 3
ART A213 Beginning Painting 3
ART A224 Beginning Photography 3
ART 259 19th Century Art 4
ASL A121 American Sign Language I 3
BIOL A102/3 Introductory Biology + Lab 3+1
CIOS A105 Intro PC Computer Applications 3
CIOS A140A Databases I: MS Access 1
CSC 140 Founds Comp Sci (JavaScript) 4
CIOS A153 Website Design: Dreamweaver 3
COMM A111 Fundamentals of Oral Comm. 3
COUN A107 Managing Stress 1
DN A203 Normal Nutrition 3
DNCE A151 Beg. Tap Dance I 1
EDSE A591 ST: Strat to Sup Std w/Aut-Asp 1
ENGL A111 Methods of Written Comm. 3
ENGL A212 Technical Writing 3
ENG 213 Writing Fiction I 4
GEO 111 Physical Geology 4
GEO 332 Hydrogeology 4
HIST A341 History of Alaska 3
JPN 101 Beginning Japanese I 4
LAT 101 Beginning Latin I 4
MAT 112 Functions (Pre-Calc) 4
MUS A1 (FAA 716) Concert Band 1
MUS A1 (FAA 761) Piano 1
MUS A102 Concert Chorus I 2
MUS A103 College Community Band 2
MUS A121 Music Appreciation 3
PE A130 Beginning Yoga 1
PHAR A101 Introduction to Pharmacy 3
PHAR A105 Pharmacology for Tech I 3
PHI 224 Environmental Ethics 4
PHY 101 Intro Physics I 4
PHY 221 Astronomy 4
PSY A112 Anger Management 1
PSY A112 Assertiveness Training 1
PSY A112 Defeating Depression 1
PSY A112 Enhancing Self Esteem 1
PSY A112 Rational Living 1
PSY A150 Lifespan Development 3
PSY 161 General Psychology 4
PSY 278 Adolescence 4
PSY A345 Abnormal Psychology 3
RH A103 Tech Math Refrig&Heat I (Algebra) 3
VETT A101 Intro to Veterinary Profession 1
VETT A123 Handling & Behavior: Large Animal 2
VETT A125 Intro to Large Animals 3
WST 258 Topic: Feminism in Fairy Tales 4

Can you tell, I freaking LOVE to learn. I’d be a student forever if only there was no such thing as a grading system. Note, I did not put my grades. 🙂 I am a TERRIBLE student. When I pass a course, it’s by the skin of my teeth and only because I had some kind of support along the way, like when other students used to let me read textbooks out loud to them while they were doing their own studying!!! I’m tagging PTSD and some negative things for this post because just looking at my transcript from my one school (where I had my first mental breakdown) was very stressful. Life is weird.

Quick thoughts on improved mood (Journal#023)



I wish I knew why my mood has been improving this week, whereas last week it went down into the gutter. I can think of several things that are different, and I imagine it must have to do with one or more of them:

  • There are no impending large-group dinners
  • There are no impending changes to my usual routine (until the 11th)
  • I started taking Vitamin D capsules (I realized I am not getting outside in daylight much, if at all, anymore)
  • I’m taking my multi-vits regularly now, too, but frankly they’re gummies and I doubt more than one spec is actually available for my body to absorb. But they’re yummy… 😀
  • I am not eating meat at present
  • I am being MUCH more careful to eat specifically for managing blood sugar (complex carbs/fibers, protein)
  • I have made myself go to bed before 11pm for 3 nights in a row now (although I haven’t been asleep for most of that time, I do have a bit more energy today, so I imagine that even laying there wide awake is helping).
  • I attended meditation on a work night this week
  • I have a friend here now
Autumn Leaves

Autumn Leaves

Current Concerns:

  • I still need to set aside time to let myself grieve for my grandpa, who just died. I have been sent audio clips of my dad telling stories about him, I have been sent pictures of him throughout life, I am supposed to call my grandma and my other aunt. I have not dealt with any of it yet. I haven’t even talked with my cousin yet. I need to find out when/where the memorial will take place because I want to attend. I need to let myself begin grieving but it is hard to let myself put aside the time for it.
  • That Topic hasn’t come up at all since the last time I wrote about it
  • Work is very stressful lately but I’m trying to detach from the issues and just plug along with imaginary blinders on
  • The reason I’ve been going to bed early the past 3 nights is because there has been a lot of yelling in the house. I’ve used earplugs, air filters, fish filters and music to screen it out. It’s given me some quiet time to just sit in bed and read my new Garfield book though, or watch silly comedies on YouTube, so I’m sort of glad for it, even though it does raise my adrenaline when the voice shakes through the walls.
  • My uncle has already noticed the vast change in my mood (for the better)
  • I don’t know if my mom has noticed yet, although we had a cheerful chat yesterday evening (I was so excited about having finally dealt with my 5-month long insurance issue)
  • I’m anxious because another cousin is going to visit soon, and I’m really scared that my mood will plummet and I’ll ruin that visit too. I really want to see this cousin; I’m just scared. Because I really wanted to see my brother and my other cousin last week too, but I totally botched that.
  • I have been clenching my jaw like crazy during the night all of this week! OUCH
  • I have only showered once this week and I am not interested in showering right now.
  • I am out of clean pants and socks. I’ve worn the same pair of pants all week. I HAVE to do my laundry tomorrow!!

P.S. I am experimenting with adding *two* pics per post now… Because I take so many more pictures than I post, and I’m sad that I don’t get to use these extra photos. 😉

Tangible improvements (I’ll add to this as the week goes on):

  • Attended meditation on a work night for the first time
  • Talked with insurance for an entire hour and got so much resolved!
  • Painted several of my finger nails for the first time in 20 years
  • Was actually willing to go on a walk one night (but ended up driving because we were going to pick up a lot of stuff)
  • Have placed many calls in trying to clean up my 5 month long insurance mess!

Face Blindness (Topic#034)

Rock face

Rock face

This should be a fairly short, straight-forward post. I want to discuss Face Blindness & my experiences.

But first, a question — does anybody actually recognize other people by their faces alone? Don’t we all use other cues to tell each other apart? I can’t imagine using a person’s face to identify them and I feel like it’s that way for everybody to some extent. But I’m not sure what I base that on.

Okay, so let’s start at the very beginning. Childhood. I only knew my mom by the coat she wore. When my dad and I were waiting in the grocery store parking lot, I would say, “Look, Mom’s back!” for any lady in a long, purple coat. Everyone thought it was cute, so no big deal. If we were waiting to pick up my brother from school or some place, it was the same thing — Anyone with a coat like his had me convinced it was him. But still, cute and no big deal.

When I got scared was in about third or fourth grade. I made a friend with an older girl at recess (or rather, she made a friend in me). Only, I couldn’t recognize her. She had to approach me and say hi and start talking before I’d know it was her. I never once located her. It was awkward. I would go to the same location and just have to wait and wait and hope she found me.

I learned that I couldn’t recognize my classmates if they changed their hairstyles or their makeup.

By middle school, I had learned not to EVER, EVER call someone by their name. Because I so often thought it was the wrong person. To date, I don’t use people’s names. I say, “Hi!” But I never say, “Hi, Bob” or whatever. There are rare exceptions but I have to be really damn confident, and even then, I sometimes say the wrong name even when I know who I’m talking to.

I do think I’m better about this today. I think I take in more cues. I really try to study people’s hair and coat and anything else that stands out, like earrings or scarves. I especially use posture to ID people now!! But sometimes I can get a general “sense” from the face. It’s nothing I could go home and draw but I feel like I’ve improved.

I have actually been able to recognize people out of context in the past seven years. I didn’t used to be able to do that at all, and have sadly offended people I cared about (“My mom waved to you in the store last week and you didn’t wave back! She said you’ve become unfriendly.” — that was when I was about 22 yrs old). What I don’t know is if I’d recognize a person out of context if they also wore completely different clothes and hairstyle and makeup. But I feel pretty confident in my ID skills now.

For more reading, here’s a link.

Meditation Center & A Friend (Journal#021)

Leaf stuck to car sunroof

Leaf stuck to car sunroof this morning

I got to see my cousin off at the airport AND I made the Meditation Center! The meditation itself was very challenging today. My mind was all kinds of muddy and I kept daydreaming. I may have fallen asleep at one point (twice, actually). But the question-and-answer period afterward was really interesting. And you could never guess what happened next.

I tend to be one of the last to leave any place, just because. So I did delay, still listening to people ask the teacher questions and converse until four of us were the only ones left – the teacher, myself, a man who I think might be a teacher or is extremely part of this world, and the woman I mentioned last time as being the person I really felt a connection with, and she turned out to have a severe anxiety disorder, for those of you who read that post. I told them I was going to go to a certain coffee shop afterward to get a certain chocolate drink. I don’t know how it happened, but we all did!

While we were all at a table together, I heard that she was emailing the teacher at 3 a.m. sometimes. I offered her my own email address/phone number if she ever wanted to talk, not for enlightenment because talking with me wouldn’t be that, but just if she felt like talking. We totally exchanged numbers & emails and agreed to be friends!

Afterward, she and I walked around this little town’s shops for hours! I picked up a healthy snack for the week (she’s diabetic and offered me suggestions for managing my sugar-related mood swings). And then I also picked up a Christmas present for my dad and used Garfield comic book for myself.

She also knits and maybe someday we will actually get together and knit! I haven’t really knitted since I got married, because the cats made it too difficult. She does some other art too, it sounded like. Anyway, I could go on. It’s very exciting. I now have a friend in the area! Oh, she also gave me loads of advice for how to manage my insurance that still hasn’t kicked in although I’ve paid for five months’ worth. So I have a goal for tomorrow, and it’s a very small goal, just one step of the process, that should be manageable for me.

I drew my parents a Christmas card today. I don’t know what to write on the inside yet. And I still haven’t figured out what to feel about my grandpa who died … was it yesterday? I’ve pushed it aside for now because I’m not sure how to make sense of it yet.

I was sick most of today (even when I was out amongst the shops, but I wasn’t going to pass up that opportunity). I didn’t do any of my chores today. 😦 I did take a lot of photographs and go through them for a long time. And I think I ate slightly healthier today.

Sometimes you need a little help from your frien–er–Self! (Journal#018)

You are not alone

You are not alone

Dear Me,

I know you are in bed, listening to the footsteps up above, and all of the voices. They are milling around and it scares you, but it’s okay.

Put on some music so you can’t hear them anymore. There! 🙂 That is nice. It’s just you and me now.

Now get out of bed. It’s just us. We’re going to pick out some clothes that we like. Should we shower? Nah. You showered just a day or two ago. Okay, so let’s go to the restroom and use the toilet and sponge bath your armpits and brush your teeth and brush your hair. Then get dressed in these clothes that you like.

After we’re ready for the day like that, we will have to go upstairs. We could place a little tissue paper in your ears so the sounds don’t intimidate you (there’s going to be a lot of commotion up there). You won’t be alone, love, I’m right here. I’m not leaving.

We have to take your medicine then and eat breakfast. Then, we will head out to a store for the one recipe you’re going to attempt for tomorrow’s dinner (tonight’s dinner is being made by other people we’ve never met).

See? It won’t be so bad. Before you go to the store, it is safe to look around. These are ALL people you love VERY much. It is okay to take a minute to greet them and ask how they are doing. Smile. It’s okay to feel love toward them. But then leave before the commotion overwhelmes you.

You’ll be fine! I’ll be right there with you. ❤