I keep trying to sugar-coat how I’m going to talk about today. I’m just going to lay it out there, though, because I’m exhausted and I’m going by the theory that I feel worse when I try to make myself think my day is more silver-lined than it is. Today was mostly shit. Not all of it. But a lot of it.
Yesterday, I thought it was Wednesday all day. So naturally I asked my uncle for a ride for today, because I had an abnormally timed and abnormal day of the week for my therapy appointment. So I got up, although I had been in a very deep sleep this morning, and got to my uncle in time to actually be on time to therapy. Except I hadn’t realized that my aunt was also waiting for a ride for a very important meeting, and my uncle must have decided to drive us both at the same time, and I must have delayed her departure. So you can guess that it did not go over too well when, partway there, it somehow occurred to me that it was not Thursday today after all, and so in fact I was now along for the ride.
Lovely. Annoyed my aunt for no reason? Check.
So my uncle and I dropped her off at the location and then the two of us continued on to work together. The entire time, he lectured me about tardiness and accountability and responsibility and you know, my general chronic fuck-ups. He said he wasn’t mad about me not knowing what day it was, but just the overall, blah blah, you know. How I rush everywhere at the last second and how if HE were scheduled to meet someone at 9 and they arrived at 9:05, he would be PISSED. He would fire them instantly. It’s so disrespectful. Etc. etc. etc.
I brushed it off for a few minutes. I wasn’t going to let that shit talk sink in. I then snuck out my phone and even texted my friend, “Joe”, for a bit (well, we were supposed to be meeting at a certain time for work– he’s helping us organize the office right now. So I had to let him know that I was totally off schedule, too), and tuned out the lecture altogether. But then it floated back to me again (I was still in the back seat after dropping off my aunt). I tried tuning it out again, to some success. But eventually it came back and I felt too guilty about ignoring him literally so I listened again, trying not to let it sink in. But by the time we’d arrived, it had sunk in completely and my heart was dropped and I felt like I didn’t have the energy or desire to be alive anymore and all that crap.
At work, the morning was very hard. My uncle said many things that were very disrespectful of me. For example, one coworker had questioned me about placing the printers in my cubicle. I expressed opposition and explained some potential for health hazard. Shortly thereafter, I heard him and my uncle speaking, and my uncle said we’d place the printers in my cubicle, and the coworker said that I was opposed because I worry they’re dangerous to my health. And my uncle got really mad and said back that he didn’t care about my psychotic bullshit, this is a business, these are business decisions.
In the end, oddly, that same coworker, who has a lot of sway because although technically he’s only one step above me, has been around long enough that he’s really one step down from being a co-owner, and he’s pretty damn important, he later said like one sentence to my uncle about wanting to have the printers over on the other side with the big tables, for needing more space to put together his reports as he’s printing, and my uncle conceded instantly.
Things just went that way. I try really hard not to make any suggestions at all because if I do, they will be done the opposite way. That’s just the way it is right now. So I was pretty upset all morning.
But by afternoon, I think I’d cleared my head a lot. I was still prickly and I have no trust right now. I can’t be open; my walls are up. If you see my hackles up, it’s because they are. It sure puts the things around me into a negative light.
This evening was rough, too. My brother also came over and I got to hear yet again how Asperger is a bullshit diagnosis (from my uncle this time, my brother actually didn’t respond much for some reason, this time), some other really rude comments, and then some teasing about how I’m a man eater and balancing “all these guys” and other shit. Whose business is this? “Joe” and I have discussed our relationship more honestly to each other than I’ve ever discussed a relationship with anyone before. And the guy I have referred to as Shy Guy previously, to my understanding we are just friends, although I do need to confirm that that’s how he views it as well. He’s made no indication that he thinks of me as more than a friend, unless the very fact that he is male and we have spent time together automatically means something more than friendship. Which is basically what my brother tells me: No guy and no girl spend time with each other in an entirely platonic sense.
Well whatever. If you’re right, then sue me. If I hurt someone, that’s on me. If I don’t, then get your fucking nose out of my personal business.
Wow, I need to calm down. I’m going to sleep shortly but I’m not sure how with all of this bitterness in my head. I will refocus on positive things, like pictures of my baby boy, who had to be taken to the vet today, but they think it was nothing, or possibly some kind of nasal infection, but they’re not really sure.
I’m tagging ‘dissocation’ because later in the day, I was dissociating for at least 40 minutes, some time after my brother had arrived.
P.S. They ended their time together by making fun of my mom, who often text-messages back very quickly if either me or my brother write to her. They even timed it. She’d written a response and sent it within 32 seconds of him writing her. To me, that is sad and heartbreaking when put in that light, because it seems obvious it’s from love and missing us, but they just laughed a lot and made fun.
ADDITION: How did I forget this special gem??? ALSO TODAY: My ex contacted my mom to let her know that he has contracted some kind of disease that he’s sure must have come from me (obviously an STD then), and that he wants me to know and hopes I’m healthy. … But he didn’t say what disease or anything. Okay. Well I’ve had a LOT of tests since then, very, very thorough testings, and nothing showed up. So I’m going to go ahead and venture that it “must have” maybe not come from me but from one of the people he connected with during/after the divorce. ((I guess it is hard for me to interpret this in a way that I can appreciate his concern for me, because he didn’t say what disease. So how much concern could he have? Or is it rather a hook dangling in the water to try and connect with me…?))
innerdragon 