Hanging by a thread

There is too much going on, too much going wrong, all at the same time. I can’t keep up. It’s so close, something’s going to snap, something’s going to happen. This is day 2 of having an urge to cut. I’m not going to to do it, I’m just really stressed out right now.

And these MOOD swings.

It’s funny, when I get angry, I wipe messages off my phone. Like, just take a person and wipe them. They aren’t even the person or thing I’m mad at. I just get less emotionally attached in general and it makes it easier for me to clean up my phone. Normally I hoard old messages because there are photos and stuff embedded into there that I’ll never get back and that’s really sad.

I have such a terrible stomach ache.

I lost my health insurance coverage today. It was carelessness on my part (if I had mailed (postmarked) the check YESTERDAY, I’d still be covered. I’ve missed it by ONE DAY), combined with one of my checks getting lost in the mail, which I didn’t know about. So I didn’t just lose it for this month. I lost it for last month. Last month I had a whole panel of dental x-rays, a cleaning, a primary care doctor visit, bloodwork, therapy, and a psychiatrist appointment.

Fuck that. I will pay for it all because I’ll have to, but that’s it. No more doctors, no more appointments.

I asked to go off of my antidepressants during my last psych appointment but she said she’d like to see me remain emotionally stable for a full year first. Well now there is not going to be the money for such nonsense.

I have an appointment for a state health insurance help person tomorrow. But I am

Wow, I just flipped out and deleted 4 GB of messages off my phone. That’s going to hurt later but not right now.

I want to give up on everything. I applied to a school today.

This lady was supposed to meet me today at 7 for something that would have been a hugely good thing but she can’t find anyone with a truck so she’s not going to. But I’d already told my uncle and everyone that it was happening today and now it’s not. Sucks.

Funny. I turned my phone off a bit ago and forgot it was off. I only want it on in case that lady changes her mind.

My mum video-chatted with me and my grandma was in the background. She seemed more mentally “aware” than I was lead to believe. Although also asleep 95% of the time we were talking, but when she was awake, her responses were related to the conversation.

Okay, now I’ve trimmed my finger nails. I’ve calmed down a bit. Very volatile inside. Like I’ve eaten wrong but I don’t think it’s just that, although I think I did. Nope, haven’t calmed down.

Kind of have the urge to go to Peter’s place and collect all my things and bring them back to my uncle’s. Want to clear out my office at work, too. My stuff is too spread. It’s not right. I need to get a handle on my belongings. They’re everywhere.

And I asked Peter a question I’m really ashamed of having asked. Maybe to him it wasn’t a big deal question, but I bet it was. It is for me anyway, although I asked out of desperation and held some hope for all the wrong reasons. So that’s most of why I’m upset right now. Blame him for being logical. Blame myself for allowing myself the tiny bit of hope about the topic. Knew all along the correct answer. Stupid. Frustrating. My own fault.

Tomorrow’s my last full day around here — the next day, I leave for my grandma’s. My aunt (different aunt) has asked me to help with organizing some things they moved out of my grandma’s old assisted living home and that can’t be brought to her new home, which I guess is a nursing home.

I’m not happy today; I am not pleased. This is not good. How am I supposed to pay for all of my May medical expenses? The mouth thing is just going to have to fuck off. I’ve been referred to an oral surgeon but that ain’t happening. Right now? I wouldn’t even care if it was life threatening and going to kill me in a few years. I think it’s safe to say I’m upset right now. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change when I calm the fuck down): 2.5

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Log: May 11 (Mon) First night alone

May 11 (Mon): Work 10:15a – 5:30p; Bring my aunt the jam from “Peter’s” mom, as well as a few flowers and a slice of watermelon, if they look good at the store after work; Vacuum my aunt + uncle’s house; Laundry; Rest; The following:

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: Canned salmon …ALTERED
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s): Romaine lettuce, tomato …ALTERED
*Other: 

To Buy:
*Trail mix, to bring to work
*Lettuce + Tomato
*Flowers for my aunt …SUCCESS
*Watermelon slice for my aunt …SUCCESS

To Do:
*Any time: Update bottom paragraph of resume; Finalize references; Submit along w/ cover letter …UPDATED BUT haven’t submitted
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures

*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

*Any time: Update budget …SUCCESS the next day
*Any time: Schedule dental appt …SUCCESS

Log: This will be my first night alone in a surprisingly long time. I haven’t had much alone time lately, so I’m looking forward to it. If my uncle is in a good mood, I’ll probably chill with him tonight. If he’s not, I’ll be in my room, alone, doing alone things like filing some paperwork I’ve fallen behind on, and catching up on some emails and whatnot. Maybe I’ll read. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll sketch. Maybe I won’t. Maybe or not. 🙂

So we woke up this morning and made breakfast. He made me more quinoa so I’d have a complete protein available today. Then we had a little extra time so we ended up making some eggs and bacon anyway, but I have the quinoa and some home-grown carrots (his mom’s) for lunch. I didn’t put any thought into lunch for today, so it’s just that. I see that I have a PBJ leftover from last Friday in the fridge, too. I’ll be good.

((The “cut” goes here))

UPDATE: After work, I took the train home and grocery shopped for myself and the pick up the watermelon and flowers for my aunt. I made a dinner for myself that wasn’t too tasty until I added sunflower seeds to it. But it looked fancy. It was shredded baby cucumber, green onion, and bell pepper. Then I added some olive oil, rice vinegar, salt, a mix seasoning, and some fresh lemon juice. It was all right but improved with the unsalted sunflower seeds.

Then I cleaned up after myself, washed the dishes that were already in the sink, and ran a load of laundry. Then I sketched (I posted one of them). I went to bed by 11p. I had a terrible anxiety attack while waiting to fall asleep. It started from replaying an innocent conversation I had with Peter or his folks or something, but rapidly spiraled into thinking about my ex and and then remembering the time of the falling apart and then came the emotional torment of the knowledge of things gone wrong and how it could happen and how things were when we thought we’d end up together forever, etc. Moment of panic and being almost unable to survive it. If you’ve never had a panic attack, it’s hard to explain the moment of feeling like you will literally not survive it. A moment of terror like there is no escape. It was not too bad as far as that goes; I still felt able to breathe at least. I don’t know how I stepped out of it fast enough that I was able to calm back down and sleep within another 45 minutes. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4 – 5

CUT FOR SOME TMI GROSSNESS (my throat is not healthy)

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Log: Fri, Sat

I’ll have to fix the formatting and dates for this post later. I haven’t had the time for updating. I wrote a post for Friday but it’s save-drafted right now; it was a fine day, but I was a bit grouchy. It turned out to be PMS; my period started today, which is five days early. WTF, body. WTF.

Oh well. Anyway, so Friday was a little stressful. It wasn’t too bad, but there were moments of tension as two employees were finishing up a report that had to go out. Anyway.

Friday night, left work late, biked to grocery store, grabbed some items, waited in a long line for checkout. “Peter” got to train station very shortly after I did. Biked from train with him to my uncle’s house. Made dinner! (Veggie burgers)

Today (Saturday), confusing day. I’ve been tossing a lot from what turns out to be cramps, “Peter” was too tired to go tree planting this morning, so we opted to rest a while longer. Then got a couple of chores done around here and then went to his city and met his folks, and we all went on an interesting city walk with a fantastic view. I don’t know them well enough, but was overjoyed at a completely random stop at a playground where I got to swing for a bit and his dad tried to see about using the pull-up hangy handle things (like the old monkey bars but different). So fun. Swinging is one of my favorite activities. Someday, I’m going to buy a $1000 swing intended for autistic adults, but that’s a different story.

Then we ate out and that was complex because my gluten-free item that I ordered arrived and looked exactly the same as everybody else’s regular item… So I checked on it and sure enough, it all had to be remade for me. I hate that my food stuff has me standing out quite a lot at times. It’s frustrating. I just want to blend in and order like everybody else.

Anyway, then we all went to his dad’s house and talked for a while. It got pretty late and now we’re back here at my uncle’s. “Peter” is asleep; I am waiting on a load of laundry to finish drying because I had decided to wash the sheets earlier this morning, before we’d been invited to spend the evening with “Peter’s” folks. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4-4.5-6 (I had a moment of panic earlier this morning when I started to realize how old I’m getting and I don’t even have any money invested or any chance of a steady income, etc etc, it was a pretty bad anxiety attack for a bit there, actually. I freaked.)

It began with an anxiety attack

Flowering tree

Flowering tree

Well, I crashed last night. I went to bed early and fell instantly to sleep. But I also had turned off my cellphone for the first time in many months.

This morning came and I could not bring myself to turn it back on. Yesterday’s anxiety attack had begun at the moment of glancing at my cellphone so naturally I couldn’t glance at my cellphone this morning. As much as I wanted to play music from it and assure a couple of people that was in fact still alive (one of whom I was supposed to meet at 11am), I couldn’t touch it or look in its direction.

When I got out of bed, I left it off, got ready for my day, and crept upstairs to eat breakfast. *caught*. My uncle pounced and tried to grill me as to why he could hear my alarm going off for two hours and what was I thinking. Add in other stuff I’m too tired to type up but y’all know how it goes.

Okay. Bin parts of yesterday, bin parts of today (already). TOMORROW, I’ll try again. TOMORROW, I will aim for some sort of forward or at least plateaued momentum. (Hey, at least I was out of bed before 11am again.)

But I am concerned that if anxiety attacks become a norm, I’ll end up back on the Wellbutrin. I know, it’s only been 2 days of it, but enough that I’m concerned.

Poem: The Wolves

You’re running
Your feet beat the path
One, Two, One, Two
You can do this
With your chest tightening
And your stomach burning
You have no choice but to succeed.

The wolves pad softly behind you
Working out a method, rounding a corner here and there
You can’t chance a peek behind but now and again, you hear a twig snap and the dead leaves rustle at their feet.

One, Two, One, Two
Your lungs scream for air
You’re focused like never before
Pump your arms forward
Pull yourself forward with every swing of your legs
Your heart hammers *it’s too much, it’s too fast!*
You will succeed because you have no choice.

–innerdragon

SI

Flower at my psychiatrist's office

Flower at my psychiatrist’s office

Okay, I had a little slip-up. It’s barely a scratch. But it was intentional. Why didn’t I just blog or try taking some anti-anxiety medicine? I have been doing so well for so long. I just felt so insane and out of control.

Of course it followed the same pattern. Pain. Relief. Crying. Glad that I had done it. Keep doing it after I’ve calmed down because it was such a calm, peaceful moment. Pang of anxiety for when my uncle sees a bandaid (I’m sure as hell going to keep a sleeve on; I really can’t take his opinions at the moment. He seems a bit crabby lately because I’ve been doing such a lousy job going to work / working lately. Or it’s in my head). Even calmed down, I cried a little more. Now I’m calm, stable (low) and feeling the sting in my arm, which I like, because it means it’s there.

Why did I feel insane?

Theory time! (I love theories.) Of which there are 7:

  1. Most of my thoughts have been centered around scaring “Joe” away, because I was pretty damn crazy yesterday. And because I happen to hope to keep him as a friend very much. The more I fear the alienation, the more crazy I feel, and it went completely out of control. [This is the same shit that’s cycled in my head every time I’ve tried to have a friend since College.]
  2. I clicked on a link earlier. It looked like a harmless web link. I did not know it was going to redirect me to my Facebook account. There it is, in my face.
  3. Wellbutrin withdrawal. Or, what if I can’t handle life without it? Ah, more thoughts that could go out of control, there!
  4. Got to add on that I did decline my regular therapy this week, for financial reasons. But I did see the psychiatrist that day instead.
  5. Also, “THE MOVE” is starting here at work. I’m supposed to have boxed everything up. Have I started? No.
  6. MY BODY. My period was 8 days late, which is unheard of for me (for the past decade, at least). Two days ago I had diarrhea all day. Yesterday I didn’t feel hunger until 9pm (and then the mood swings went crazy). And today, severe mood swings again. WHAT is going on with my body…?
    1. Maybe it’s the iron…?
    2. Maybe it’s the Wellbutrin withdrawal…?
  7. Alien abduction. (What? I needed a 7th, okay?)

:: Life! ::

So, I’m going to leave work. And I’m just going to practice guitar again. No computer. No movies with my uncle (although I love that). Just guitar, and sketch if I can make myself.