I am really amazed that I can already tell a difference in my jogging attempt just from several days of doing it! My calves were sore for the first two days but even that is better already. It’s really amazing. Now I’m talking I count any kind of progress because I’m Ground 0 for jogging. If I jog 3 out of 30 minutes and walk the rest of the time, I’m fine with that. I’m ECSTATIC by the 3 minutes, in fact.

But today, I jogged most of the way to the icecream shop! I can’t believe it! I jogged part of the way back but my exercise-induced-asthma intervened. That’s fine. I am astounded that my asthma intervened as opposed to my leg or other muscles. It’s amazing.

And the asthma is of no concern to me — it’s perfectly normal for me because I’m living around 2 cats, which I’m allergic to. So of course I’ll get asthma when exercising. When I owned a pony, it was the same exchange. I get the joy of living with animals, which enrich my life. In exchange, I can only exercise so much before my lungs refuse additional air and I have to stop for a while or keep very slow.

But I can’t stress how amazing it is that I went as far as I did without needing to stop today. The icecream shop isn’t far by “real” joggers’ standards. Oh! I looked it up — it’s half a mile! That’s awesome! Hot dog. My blood pressure complained to me while jogging — things going dim and such. But I’m going to keep doing this and see if that improves.

I got my bloodwork results back today, finally. The vitamins + such appear to be within normal range. B12 was high (I had taken a sublingual sometime that week, which probably effected it). Vit D was within normal but at the lowest end. I’ve been taking a supplement since then and I do feel a bit better from it. But everything else was right smack in the normal ranges, so my exhaustion is caused from something else. The endocrinologist will want to refer me to a neurologist now. I’m debating. (These things cost money, y’o!)


Well all,
Life is weird. Right? Right?? Life is fucking WEIRD. I mean, really. Life is really, really, really weird.

Of course, maybe that’s how it always feel after you’ve just moved. And moved in with your partner’s mother. And your partner has had a crazy work schedule due to a conference that was being held, so you’ve only seen him like once in a week, or at least that’s how it feels.

And part of why it feels that way is because when he was home, at like 11 pm, and you did go to bed, you had to enforce a large space bubble because he was a stranger to you. Because you were dissociating and although you could consciously think back and tell yourself that yes, you have met this person before and actually lived with this person for a while, you don’t know or recognize this person right now. The face and hair are unfamiliar. The mental processes of his brain are unfamiliar.

Monday, I had a test. Today, I had two tests. I think I did well on all three. Yesterday, he and I chatted via text for a brief time during the day. I asked him how he was doing whatwith all this change and such. He said it was hard and he felt like he had lost some of my trust. Yeah, he had. I can’t put my finger on the reason why, but yep. I asked if he was interested in splitting up with me. He said no but that we should talk about things. I suggested we go on a walk & talk later.

I didn’t know it, but he had thought I wanted to go on a walk with him for the sake of breaking up. For me, going on a walk is like my one attempt at repairing things. Because I can’t connect with a person in a house. We connected in the first place outdoors, doing things. That’s where we need to work on repairing things, IMO.

Anyway. So we went on a walk, exploring the residential areas around here. It was a relief to be out, exercising for the first time in how long. We didn’t chat too deeply but we did get into it a little bit. I felt a lot of relief and a little more at peace.

I had been so angry on moving day. SO angry. Because he wasn’t there. He had to be at that horribly-timed conference for work. I was scared. He had taken off the day before to pack, and we had accomplished a lot but weren’t entirely done. So I was gathering up last shreds of items and trying to organize them into boxes but failing repeatedly. I managed to get enough together by the time they arrived.

Ah well. I cry every day. Because I miss the cats so much. I liked both cats but I was really fond of miss Curie, especially. She loved me, too.

My partner’s mum has two cats but I’m not attached to them yet. And I have been sneezing more here, so I’m trying to keep them away a lot. I don’t have to fear getting attached to these cats because after we move out, I expect to still see them each weekend or however often we visit (it’s typically once a weekend).

All of this sounds negative, I expect, but I titled this Brighter and I meant it. I’m feeling a lot better. It was last night that I realized I’d been dissociating a lot since the move. I told him. I don’t know that he understands but I felt better for having put it into words and recognized what was happening.

In spite of moments of going in and out of reality, I actually have found moments of joy in my heart for living here. And that is freaking amazing, that it could happen at all in the midst of so much change and stress and uncertainty. This is very unusual for me. But I have been able to just walk over with my laptop to where my partner’s mum is sitting and watching TV, and just silently sit down and watch with her. We don’t know our relationship yet; as a tenant, I’m probably invading her space. As her son’s girlfriend, it’s probably fine but more chatter would be expected. This uncertain mix suites me much better; maybe she will expect more chatter or more space, i don’t know. But getting to just come in and sit down and have company but not be pressured into speaking is so nice. And I can sit in sunbeams around here. And the area is amazing.

She took me on a walking tour of the neighborhood today. I bought a cute dog card for my dad, from a pet shop we went to. She showed me the entrance to the nearby park. She showed me two little veggie shops and one main grocery store. It was quite a walk but such a relief. I suspect my lack of conversation was noticed at some point but I’m so out of energy for holding up conversations lately. I just don’t know what to say. But I liked the company and I liked getting to see so many things around here.

I saw a Post Office so I can mail out my dad’s super late birthday present soon. We also stopped at an icecream shop that sells vegan icecream, and I bought one and it was amazing. I only meant to eat part of it but I hadn’t realized how long the walk back would take; I ate nearly all of it. The last bite is currently in the freezer.

Sleep is a bit challenging. Well, my partner & I went to bed SUPER late last night because he was helping me study for my tests. I especially requested help for the Math test; I didn’t understand one of the chapters. It paid off; I have my score for it already, and I got a 100%!! But we were SO tired this morning. I’m drained.

I’m probably also feeling hopeful now because my first ever endocrinologist appointment is tomorrow. As always, I hope for mysteries of the universe to be quickly explained and “cured” with a quick, cheap-fix, one-line diagnosis. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Chronic exhaustion… CURED
Lifetime of insomnia and sleep issues… CURED
Depression… CURED
Lethargy… CURED
Exercise aversion… CURED
Lack of motivation… CURED
Anxiety… CURED
Indecisiveness… CURED
Intestinal pain… CURED
Moodiness… CURED
Lack of self-confidence… CURED


Well, I am going to go make some tea. Using the teapot I already damaged by forgetting about it. (Yes, I have a new system in place so that doesn’t happen again.) At least she didn’t seem upset with me. That was a rough first day. My gawd it has been stressful, when you think about it.

Log: Apr 22 (Wed) Sick again?!

Apr 22 (Wed): Work 11:00a – 5:30p, Earth Day, Chores, Practice music, Make bicycle shop appt



Today, I worked. It wasn’t busy for me today. I only had about an hour’s worth of work total. So I had time to research various schools around here. OMFG I cannot believe how expensive tuition is, even at little schools around here. There is one that I can afford and they even offer some of my classes online, but the in-person ones are super far away. I’ll keep looking if I get another chance.

I woke up with a sore throat and painful sinuses. I passed it off as allergies. But I’ve been feeling worse and worse all day. Could I seriously be getting fucking sick again?!?! I can’t stand it. I’m stiff. I felt fever-ish. My upper throat is sore and my sinuses are killing me. My nose is a little runny. I took some allergy medicine tonight, hoping. I’m in front of a space heater and still feeling chilled. A good thermometer might make my life easier at times (at least I’d know if I have a fever or not, anyway), but I’m afraid I’d consult it too frequently. So I don’t buy one.

After work, I stopped by a bicycle shop and got my front wheel bearings tightened (they were a little loose). I also got a U-Lock (finally) and a tube for “Peter’s” flat tire.

I got home, made myself a PBJ and ate some granola, and dove straight under the covers with the lights off. I’m just feeling so yuck today, physically. It hurts to swallow and I have a headache. Lovely. ::sarcasm::

On the plus side, I already re-adjusted to having days away from “Peter”. I wasn’t sad/disappointed at all today. In fact, I still just feel like I have so much to get done this week, and not enough time to accomplish it all. It doesn’t help that I spent an hour or two under the covers, just laying there resting. It doesn’t help that I spent much of yesterday night reading an old “Miss Manners” book (those things are SO HELPFUL!!!).

Mum went in for shoulder surgery today but it doesn’t sound like they ended up doing too much invasive work; mostly just said she’d need a replacement in the future. I need to send her my pictures from the bicycle trip; I’m so late doing this, but I just can’t figure out how to do it. I have tried several methods but none of been successful, in part because there are video clips and in part because of the vast number of photos involved.

It’s really my #1 priority tonight but I haven’t looked at it yet. Instead, I have figured out how to use the calendar feature on my phone/laptop (they synchronize. It’s amazing).

Log: Apr 17 (Fri) Falling apart (Comic#036)

Apr 17 (Fri): Work 9:30a – 5:30p

I’m falling apart today, I am so tired. I’m on the verge of a melt down.

I need to go home and get some extra snoozing in. This exhaustion is making me somewhat paranoid and insecure.

This is how I feel about myself + dating at present:

Wait, no. How about you DON'T get to know me??

Wait, no. How about you DON’T get to know me??

Tomorrow, I need to decide between attending the tree planting or the special lake cleanup day. I haven’t checked with “Peter” to see if he’s planning on either of them. I get this way when I spend ‘too much’ time with anyone in particular — afraid to contact them or see them any more, because I get convinced that too much of my company will make them hate me.

And so it goes.

Actual log: Woke up at “Peter’s”, and it was lovely but I was still insecure. Got showered quickly, helped make breakfast, feel like I’m not pulling my weight, (WHY did I have to lose my glorious self-confidence of weeks ago?), made it to work at a good time. Haven’t had much to to do at work today, although yesterday and the day before had been quite busy. I’m glad; I’m too tired to do much today. I want to leave early and go home and sleep, but what will I do for food? I wish I could just eat a can of dog food and be okay.

[Update: I took 1 mg of clonazepam this time, I believe, EARLY, and I slept very well for the entire night and had plenty of energy for the next day’s tree planting and walking. 🙂 ]  Today’s Mood Ranking: 4

Log: Apr 15 (Wed)

Apr 15 (Wed): Work 10a – 6p

The day started at “Peter’s” apartment. I feel guilty but he cooked breakfast this morning. I mostly walked around in a dazed (exhausted) stupor after my shower, and gathered up my belongings. It was really good. We made it to the trains by a good time. So I made it to work by a good time. I rode my bike home. I now have 4 items left behind at “Peter’s” apartment: A toothbrush, deodorant, a skin moisturizer and my music stand. And his roommate has donated a bottle of Zyrtec to the cause, as well (I had forgotten mine once).

It was a fairly productive work day. I finished the coordinates issue entirely. YAY! Now I have another task that I didn’t complete today but will finish tomorrow. It’s nothing bad. I just have to mail out 126 unique envelopes of some flyer. I’m about 1/3 of the way done already. I just need to print out enough stamps and the return address labels. Yeah, you guys don’t need these details.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. But at least I wasn’t anxious today. I have not eaten dinner, which is bad news. It means my mood will be fucked up tomorrow. I don’t want my mood to be fucked up tomorrow. But I don’t know what to eat. I don’t want any more of the canned salmon; it made me smell like salmon for the entire rest of the day last time I had it. If there are any eggs left, I could make myself an egg. If there is still the bag of pre-washed green beans I bought last week, I could eat those as well. It had directions on how to steam them in the microwave.

I’m behind in a lot of to-do’s. I guess I’ll go up and use my “Goals” page again, so I can see how many small tasks I’m behind on right now.

P.S. I’m writing this from my newly FIXED LAPTOP! Yay! Okay. So I’m going to write up my behind-tasks, I’m going to take a clonazepam to make sure I sleep well tonight & soon, and then I’ll eat a little food. And then if there’s time, I’ll do at least one task off of my list. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5

Weekend Journal Post

Pedicularis densiflora, Indian warrior

Bad picture of Pedicularis densiflora, Indian warrior. This is a picture of my “real” camera’s display screen – I haven’t figured out how to transfer my pics off of my camera onto my computer (I can’t find the cord).

Preface: If I sound at all negative, it’s just from the exhaustion! This weekend was positive through-and-through.

I haven’t processed this weekend yet. I feel like writing anyway, as I wait for a load of laundry to finish being washed.

On Saturday, I had a wonderful, chill day with “Joe”, and later in the day my brother came over for a BBQ and it all went smoothly. I even got in a small bike ride in the sun.

I feel strange right now. Floaty. It’s not bad. I’m exhausted. There’s the physical exhaustion but it’s more. Today was incredibly stressful socially at times. [I had to take cetirizine earlier because I was allergic to something in the rental car; maybe that’s why I feel a bit floaty now.]

There were six of us total and everybody was extremely nice. They’re from a whole ‘nother world. It’s like this peek into these awesomely accepting, kind, world-wisened people who are completely chill and gentle. I didn’t actually catch which countries everybody was from, and the amount of places the combined total of the six of us has lived was pretty incredible. I definitely felt out of place. It’s the niceness. They weren’t acting contrived in any way; they were genuinely very nice people. I was out of place and the strain to hide it was immense.

Why I’d feel more in place amongst slightly rude people, moody people, people who make jokes I find offensive? People who are embittered and people who judge and people who manipulate? People who won’t notice or care if something really terrible slips out my mouth.

You don’t have to believe me, but there is a pretty fair amount of dark shit that can slip out of me sometimes. I wish I’d just embrace it because the strain of trying to keep it in can be overwhelming sometimes. I think I only let 2 shit things slip out during today, both of which I terribly regret. Two stories. There were a lot of questions during the day (the hike was 4 hours and then there was driving). I suppose I shouldn’t be so upset over just two coming out, but still. There’s honesty and then there’s keeping the social peace, and I am sick and tired of saying things that make anyone’s ears do a double-take. I especially need to work out a more socially-acceptable answer for why I am here and not back Home. My two-sentence answer tends to bring about a very awkward silence. Ugh.

The HIKE was amazing. The weather couldn’t have been much better. The view was amazing. I thought I’d brought way too much water (very heavy) but I ended up drinking every drop. I couldn’t BELIEVE I made it to the top (I did need help getting up part of it; my legs were shot by that point). It was definitely worth it. Great people, great scenery, great weather, great snacks. Some wildflowers and a tree I’ve never seen before.

I’m already sore from head to toe but I’m SO glad I was able to go! I definitely need to keep working out. I’d like to be able to hike a lot more in the next six months.

I have a new current-favorite movie: The Edge of Tomorrow. What’s ironic is that I’ve only seen it in reverse. I saw the ending once, and now I’ve seen it from the early-middle to the end. So hopefully I will catch it from the start some day.

-CUT for IBS TMI (for real)- Continue reading

It’s me. (Goals#010) (Journal#051)

I just did something really fun. I took my bicycle and Bailey down to a long, flat road, waited for the cars to pass, and then let her run with me. At first, she sort of kept by my side, just trotting along, and then a bit of a canter, so I sped up to keep up. Then it’s like she realized she could really let out some steam, and she started flat out running, so I sped up more to keep along side her. I’m pretty sure she’d report to you that she tasted some doggy heaven. You could see it in her whole body: WOOO HOOOOO!!!!!!!!! We had to slow down again for some traffic. On the way back, she was a lot slower. Finally, a tired dog! We went a little farther, just at a slow trot, and then walked back home. She did really well!! I’d say she only spent maybe 2% of the entire time trying to go in the wrong direction or toward another dog. lol 98% behaving as a perfect bicycling dog is pretty damn amazing, considering I have no idea if she’s ever done that before!!!

If I die tomorrow, have I accomplished anything? I made a dog happy for a brief moment in time. That’s something.

How will I feel good about myself? I want to help network sheltered animals to their new homes. I want to help the situation of people with no homes.

How can I do these things when I’m afraid to leave my home most of the time? What is within my walking distance that is close enough that I won’t get exhausted on the way? Why can’t other things feel as valuable to me personally?

I feel an odd urgency to get this started. Today. I wish an animal shelter was near me. Right next to me. I’d be there every day. I’ve only ever networked two animals to better places, but to me, that is what feels worthwhile in my life. All other moments, I feel are wasted away and wasting me away.

I grow more worthless by the day. I have to turn this around, Now.

Strange Diagnoses (Topic#042)

Who’s ever heard of Vocal Cord Dysfunction? When my allergist told me I had that, I didn’t even believe him. Here’s a very, very brief page on the topic. It sounds like things tighten on the inhale and make it hard to breathe in, whereas asthma makes it hard to breathe out.

Same for hearts having the equivalent of belly buttons? I had some heart tests run a few years ago because I was about to start exercising more, and was really scared by how weak I feel when exercising. So I had several tests run, including a bubble test, and it showed that I have a small hole in my heart. I really like the way this article explains it. The unborn baby has this hole there to get nutrients from Mom. It sounds fairly common for this hole to fail to completely close up after birth. Some need to be patched up surgically, others are small enough to be ignored. My doctor considered mine small enough to be ignored. But the idea that our hearts have a belly button? Too weird.

My doctor thought my weakness during exercise was from low blood-pressure. Things go black sometimes when I exercise, same as when I get up too quickly from sitting, etc.

As for vocal cord dysfunction versus asthma, I guess I’ll never know which one caused me to run a 1+ hour mile in gym class. All the other students were done and watching and waiting for me to finish. For the entire class period. I almost couldn’t breathe at all and my jogging was hardly faster than a snail’s. In hindsight, why didn’t the gym teacher intervene and send me to the nurse? I could have died if my breathing had been reduced just a fraction more. But apparently both VCD and asthma can be triggered by exercise and allergens (and can co-exist at the same time), both of which I’d been exposed to. Mysteries of the human body.

Some people consider Restless Leg Syndrome to sound like a strange diagnosis, but it made total sense to me the minute I heard the first TV ad for it. I knew I had that as soon as I saw it. I didn’t need an official diagnosis but I got one during my sleep study some years back. I should really talk about this one someday. It can be a terrible bother (thus I can tell many stories).