Personal mental illness day

First of all, my breast lump was a benign, liquid-filled cyst, so that’s good. It’s about half its largest size now, and is not painful anymore. It seems to have stopped getting smaller. They say it can last a couple of months or perhaps get larger and smaller for the rest of time. If it becomes too painful for me to bear again, they can drain it, but said there would be a 3 in 5 chance of it refilling. So I elected not to do so, as it is not presently painful.

Preface before the rest of the post: I’m sick today and yesterday. Lost my voice, kind of a sore throat, totally exhausted. Also, a hint of vertigo and a lot of dissociation / out of body experiences.

Today is a wretched, miserable day and yet it didn’t begin that way. It was a perfectly happy morning. Yesterday was difficult. I don’t know what except that I lost my voice and felt EXHAUSTED. So I might be having allergies, flu, and something else as well. Because now my own mental processes have kicked in and my negative thoughts have been spiraling out of control. And since I haven’t had any private time until this instant, which I had to force, I have been feeling blind and like I am swinging around an ax to get people to give me space.

Loosely translated, what I mean is that my partner and I have had some negative exchanges today. It actually got REALLY bad for a while. But come on, I wanted to be left alone and you just wouldn’t. I was already in tears.

Oh well. I am tired. I don’t know if I have a flu or not. Certainly my throat is sore but that could be allergies. Certainly I’m exhausted beyond words. But I wish so much that you would just see when I am sick and not take it all out of control and make it all like we still have to have this serious conversation THIS INSTANT but that I will take like 4 or 5 days to recover and then we can have the conversation. Instead of hurting me and basically forcing me to hurt you, too, because I’m backed into a corner with no other way but to grit my teeth and cry and say shit to get through. Ridiculous. This can’t happen ever again.

So not okay.

So I’ve had like an hour of ALONE time now and that has been a relief. I’m going to take some anxiety medicine, just in case there’s a mental illness element to this yuckiness.

 

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