Topic: Altering ANGER

Ever since my thyroid dose was lowered, I’ve had a lot of trouble with my irritability. I can go from happy-happy-happy to anger in about a split nano second. Unfortunately, once I’m angry, it LASTS.

I’ve tried a bunch of things by now, including talking through it with whomever was unlucky enough to trigger the mood change, but the most recent attempt at easing my mind is the only one that’s had any success. That’s not true; drugs like anti-anxiety medicine and sleep medicine help, too.

I’m talking moments of rage. Terrible urges to stomp around, say incredibly hurtful, spiteful things, break something, slam doors, leave and never come back. These are things I acted out on as a child; I would slam doors, throw things, scream and cry and stomp around and refuse to speak with the person for the rest of the day.

My current experiment is to force myself to think of something I appreciate that the other person has done at any point, ever.

Just think of one thing.

Peter, thank you for bringing me warm, caffeinated “floor tea” morning after difficult morning.

My forehead already feels more relaxed. Let’s try another one.

Peter, thank you for joining me on that really long walk last year when I was so angry that I had to release the tension in the only healthy way I could think of at the time: walking and walking and walking in the dark.

I can make myself extremely, extremely angry with my thoughts. But I can also make myself feel okay again. One is easy (hint: it’s the anger). One is nearly impossible. Do you know how hard it is to allow a fixated thought to step aside and let a gentle thought come into focus? It feels satisfying and right to wallow and bathe in anger. I can snowball all kinds of things into a rage my body can hardly contain in its cells.

Or I can think just one – just one – gentle, peaceful, loving thought.

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4 Comments

  1. I’m glad you’re finding a way to defuse – I can relate – I almost lost my truck to a %^&*$#%^ #$%^%^&$^ #$$% driver on the way home on Tuesday, and for the rest of the trip was less than patient with other &*($%^& #$%%^&#% people who wouldn’t let me change lanes in time to make my exit. In my defense I wasn’t the only person who honked long and loud at the first %%#$$% #$^%^ idiot.
    But perhaps this signals that lowering the thyroid dose wasn’t a good move for you. I guess it depends on the balance of reasons for having done that and what other negative symptoms prompted the change.

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  2. and I really loved the thought in this post. I cut myself again in a fit of rage, after not doing it for two years and counting. I wish I had thought of one peaceful thought or about how my partner will feel when he knows what I did.

    Like

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