Probably need

In truth, I probably need some extra help right now. My stress is up way too high. Interpersonal dynamics are very difficult for me right now. School is at a fairly overwhelming point. Tutoring is still going well but I probably shouldn’t have signed up for the max hours.

My SO’s mom, I haven’t written about this, but she is recovering from a cancer surgery. It was her fourth, distinct type of cancer removed. Nobody knows why she is so prone to having cancer. I don’t mean 4 different instances of the same cancer; I mean quite literally four different types. I’ve been around for two of them being removed; the other two types were removed long before I knew of my SO. She’s amazing. But this one involved part of the last adrenal being removed, so now she is in the process of figuring out proper cortisol dosing and it’s really hard. Sometimes she’s very exhausted.

It has changed the living dynamics, for me. My stress is through the roof. There is the worry, and the knowledge that at least two of the cancer types have a good chance of returning “someday”, and how it’s hard to see how tired she is when knowing her to be always so full of energy and drive at all times, before.

But there are the selfish monster stresses, too. Like when she chooses to cook for all of us, but I’d rather eat dog food than help with cooking, but now she sometimes does ask us to help, and I KNOW it’s the good and right thing to do, but at the same time, I’d really, honestly eat dog food if I had the choice of doing so OR cooking…

Or the times when I’d like to spend an evening with just my SO, but he invites his mum to literally everything we do now. But that’s SOOOO selfish of me. Why wouldn’t he want to see her enjoying the events, too? And why shouldn’t she? She’s been incredibly generous with me the whole time I’ve known her. Maybe he’s worried she won’t be around forever, you know? That’s totally understandable.

Quite frankly, if my folks would only move down here, I’d surely be inviting them to everything, too. I wish I could see them every single day of my life. It’s hard not to.

But the fear still keeps me away; I don’t honestly remember if I ever told any of that online here. Probably not. Since it’s all tied up in my fear.

Mortality is hard.

I suppose we’re all going to die. We’re all already dead. There’s no point in worrying about who is going to die when and first and how painful it’s going to be. I just have to live this every day and know, it’ll happen but every day is … one more bonus day.

Oh yeah. I just re-read the point of this post. I need to actually try to find a psychologist/counselor/whoever. Life is really high-pressure and stressful at this time. I honestly, honestly, honestly, don’t want to fall apart again. Been there, done that, DON’T WANT A REPEAT.

3 thoughts on “Probably need

  1. I think you’re right about a couple things. Opposing things.
    a) You are kinda being a bit selfish when you resent your SO adding his Mom into everything because you understand he’s scared about losing her (and you know how that feels cos you just lost your grandmother) and you know you’d do the same if your folks moved closer, so you do realize an aspect of your feeling.
    b) You do* need a bit of just-us-two time.
    But, there are three sides to every coin. No, that’s not a typo. Find a nickel and a couple feet of table top and roll the nickel along. That’s the third side, the compromise side. You can’t often roll it very far – sometimes you’ll have to pick it up again and start over. Perhaps the pick-up-start-over point for you now is to ask your SO if you two can agree to have one night a week just-us-two night. This also gives Mom a rest from being included in everything*, or perhaps feeling required* to say yes every time.

    As for the hate cooking thing – I’m not a big fan of kitchen work either. I also have picked up over the years that you have a restricted diet – perhaps she cooks things you can’t stand or maybe it’s just cooking in general. If so – is there some part* of the kitchen work that you don’t mind doing with/for her – setting table, washing dishes, chopping veggies? Maybe if you talk to her about things you like and don’t like doing you two can organize to work together more happily. Perhaps also she’s really trying to bond with you and doesn’t know how else to be with just-you and not you-and-your-SO. Maybe say something like ‘I always took to pot-stirring like a duck to double-entry book keeping, I’m much happier washing pots.’ Or whatever is your preference. See if it starts a dialogue. Maybe she has an absent daughter, always wanted one and got only a son…. there could be a lot of reasons she’s perhaps wanting to bond with you. I could be soooo off base on this, but it’s worth putting the idea down just in case it’s close or leads you down a thought-trail that helps reduce your stress.

    Liked by 1 person

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