It’s only just occurred to me, but evenings are really not so hot. You already know that mornings are killer lately, but I’m going to go out there on a limb and venture that evenings might actually be worse. I’m not sure where “evening” is beginning or ending for me, but somewhere, before I fall asleep at night but definitely after 5 pm, things are getting quite bad.
I’m going to think back, perhaps inaccurately, and state that I’m quite certain ALL urges to cut have been in the evening. All of them.
My psychiatrist has given me a few names of local psych people who might be able to help me. She also contacted my old therapist and got some names from her as well. There is a part of me that wonders if I should try to go back to my old therapist: I did improve so much while seeing her. But she’s so far away, I don’t think I could do it. And she wanted me every week which I started to obsess over financially too much.
I jogged today. It took a circuit breaker blowing out the Internet connection to force me outside. I had been watching these really awesome Accounting lectures online. The last of the setting sun touched my skin as I jogged. I jogged while listening to music this time, for the first time (I don’t always feel safe wearing earbuds in public – like someone is going to sneak up on me or something). It was nice. I felt the best ever on today’s jog — I was able to actually jog for much of the way to the icecream shop and even part of the way back, up the hills, even! It was amazing. I did have to slow for my lungs at some points. By the end, my legs were starting to feel it, but again, it was not so bad. I think I probably could have gone even father this time, but that’s not my goal. I don’t want to increase my distance until I can go there and back without too many walking breaks. It doesn’t matter to me if that is proper jogging goal-making — it’s just a personal goal.
I think I know what’s getting me in the evenings. But I don’t feel okay writing about it in a public space. I have a pretty strong, nagging suspicion now. But I don’t want it to be true. I want to go to therapy and work out everything in myself and have everything external fall into place because of it. … But my nagging suspicion is toward something external, and if that’s the deal, then I’m going to have to make a certain change that I don’t want to make. But this becomes stronger by the day and it’s really sad. It’s so hard to know, because it’s also one of my OCD obsessions, so I don’t know for sure. I definitely need to see a therapist soon though, either way. I’ll try to call one of the options tomorrow.
Tomorrow, the most important thing I can do is study a particular chapter of the Accounting textbook. It’s my last chance before the final, and the professor already stated that a lot of questions will come from this chapter, which I haven’t actually read yet. I did study a lot of older material all day long today, though.