What is profound?
Things crumbling, things feeling like they’re crumbling but not actually crumbling.
How about that?
Fear of you finding these words, keeps me from writing them?
Emotions go up, emotions go down.
Things are very good, things are off. Things are off.
School is winding down. I have a presentation tomorrow and a final. It shouldn’t be bad. Neither of them should be bad. The hardest part will be getting there… I haven’t been getting up early enough for morning classes in a month or more. I missed a lot of them. But I’m close now. If I can get up tomorrow, it will do a lot for finishing the semester. I need to get out of bed by 8:10 am at the latest. For real. I need to have my feet on the ground and be standing upright by 8:10 am. No shower, just put on clothes, grab some yogurt and go.
I don’t mind the simmering panic that’s tucked away inside of me. I know it’s for the grades. But I also know I’ll feel even worse about myself between semesters – so I must find something productive to do during that time. Perhaps I’ll volunteer somewhere… I’m doubting people hire for a week or two stint.
I’m listening to “Burning House”, a song introduced to me by the TV show “The Voice”, which I watched with my bf’s mother tonight. It’s one of those lovely, dark songs that twists my heart. (Random fyi: I’d vote for Jordan, personally. If I voted, which I haven’t.) His voice is so lovely, IMO.
Horses. I think I’ll go on a horse ride within the next month. As the finals approached and my stress built, I chose escapism in the form of my first real cellphone video game. It’s called, “The Horse” or something. Maybe “My Horse”. Anyway, it’s actually surprisingly well done. I surfed through a bunch of them and most were terrible and not worth even a few minutes of play. This one is perfect for my escapism. But I only need it for another week. I’m also rereading a book, slowly.
I’m down tonight for two reasons. If I’m being honest, one is because you haven’t displayed your affection in a way I can “feel” today. That would mean eye contact and probably a hug. The other is that it’s very late and you’re still working. You got home late which was fine but you’re still working an it’s past midnight and I hate to make a fuss but I can’t actually fall asleep if I’m “waiting” for someone. So I’ll be awake as long as you’re awake, but I don’t tell you, because that’s not your problem. That’s my problem. It’s a problem I’ve had for my whole, entire life. (Sleepover history, long stories there, believe me.) But I feel a lot like crying. I should just woman-up and go downstairs and tell you. I have a final tomorrow and I need to go to sleep and I can’t sleep until you’re in bed. … Or I could just sit and type here and wait. And listen to sad music. It’s kind of lovely, you know?
I played piano for a long time today.
Did I mention I got to go hiking this weekend?! It was so great. And I DIDN’T have to be pulled up any hills this time! I was so much stronger than the last time I’d been hiking — it must be from the attempts at jogging lately. Jogging is wonderful. It gives me a new identity to try to become. “I’m A Jogger.” Haha. If any of you saw me, you’d know it’s a laugh, but I’m really so pleased that I’m doing it. Even if I walk 25 minutes and jog for 3 minutes or whatever, I’m really trying and I’m so glad.
But my depression. In some ways, it’s very bad. In other ways, I’m still doing okay. It’s like there is a very strong split right now. I’m not functioning in any important way – screw sleeping myself, feeding myself, cleaning myself, whatever. I can’t get out of my room on my own. Yet, I am succeeding at school, when I’m there. I am succeeding at jogging. I am succeeding at practicing piano about six days a week.
But something so key, so vital, so important is just lacking. It’s just not there. It’s not here. It’s like, maybe the create vent is gone, maybe the feeling that I can do anything for the humanity or the world is not here right now.
I need to at least volunteer. Maybe I feel worthless without a job. I mean, I’m making a lot of effort for school, so in a way that’s a job, but it feels like a luxury to me. Luxuries mean a lot of guilt for me.
Oh dear, I forgot to pay for my pony’s feed this month! I need to send a check ASAP! Whatever am I going to do with my pony? Thank gawd it’s winter there and not the season where anybody buys horses so I can forgive myself for not taking care of this decision right now. Baby girl, you hang in there with my friend’s wonderful care. Life is crazy.
And oh yes, Oh yes have there been desires to cut myself. Oh yes. I don’t know what good it would do, I just want to sometimes. I’m so close and I know it’ll help me focus, that’s all.
Sleep time now. Whew. He finished his project (workaholics 😉 ). Let me sleep tonight, though, please. It’s been several nights since I’ve gotten a nice sleep. I’ve been waking up every hour or more frequently (literally). I would love to sleep soundly for these hours.
Goodnight, all. P.S. The jogging is also great because it gets me outside and in fresh(sort of) air. It’s wonderful for sure.