Holiday time passes

A few points:

  • I decided to decline the potential apartment. So we’ll keep looking for something closer to public transit.
  • It’s the holiday time. I don’t know what that means here. It sort of crept up on me. I haven’t sent out presents for anything yet, although I knew what I wanted to get people for a little while.
  • There are several relatives related to my bf staying here this week. We hung out with them for most of yesterday.
  • We would have hung out with them most of today but I actually declined. My bf went and joined them for lunch but is back now. I declined because there’s going to be a big dinner event tonight, including them, with other people as well, and I can’t do social nonstop without becoming too exhausted. So I stayed home so far today and it’s been great. I practiced piano for a long time. I’m running some laundry. I went jogging again and did really, really well! I jogged most of the way there and even a good chunk of the way back! I’m slow as molasses but it’s great.
  • I’ve listened to several more episodes of “Welcome to Night Vale”.
  • I need to iron out my schedule for the upcoming semester.
  • Tonight, I don’t know how soon, I will be picked up for the group dinner. I think there is another group dinner tomorrow. I’m glad I took some non-social time for myself today.
  • I do wish I had sent out presents to my parents. I know what I want to get them both but still haven’t sent them. Ah well. I just hate picturing them on a day I like to think of as traditional and have them with nothing to open. Not that that’s the meaning of Christmas or that they even celebrate it particularly, but I still dislike the thought.
  • My own tradition, which was started last year, will be FaceTiming with my parents and singing carols with them. Apparently my bf’s family will do that here, as well. So I’m glad, because I like to have *something* that is traditional for me. It’s hard to know what to do for traditional days when you are in a new location with people whose traditions you don’t yet know.
  • On Christmas Day, my parents and I always opened gifts and then went skiing in the woods outside of their house. I can’t do that here. What will I do instead? Maybe I can go to the beach, if public transit is running. Or a walk in the woods, or at a park. Something outdoors. It’s typically been with family but I’m willing to go alone.
  • I believe I did hear mention of certain guests considering attending Star Wars in theatre that day, but I can’t do that. I mean, I don’t want to do that, so I won’t. I could do a little walk if they do that, which would be a good time for it.
  • But who knows what plans will take shape. There are MANY DOMINANT PERSONALITIES here right now and let me tell you, plans are not formed easily. There is so much bickering and contention and whatever, it’s easiest for me to consider having no opinions or desires and just GO WITH THE FLOW for now!
  • I’m going to go. I had a great jog today, remember. 😉
  • I’m not as severely depressed as of late… MAYBE IT REALLY WAS PARTLY SCHOOL STRESS!!!!!!!!!! This is not to say I don’t get super down and unmotivated sometimes, but it’s not the same.
  • My bf and I are going to be cat-sitting for my old kitties!!! (The ones I used to live with around here) Cool.

New apartment?!

So here’s the thing. There’s this apartment available. I have until tomorrow morning to make the decision.

But it’s thrown me off. Because my bf and I already made this decision once, when we wrote our appreciative rejection. It was really hard at that point; I was really torn. But when I sent the email, it cemented the rejection in my mind. And a few things cleared up for me:

Like:

  • Thank goodness I don’t have to use a coin-operated, shared laundry room!!!
  • Thank goodness I don’t have to have my packages left on a concrete floor in a public walking space outside of a tiny mail slot, for anyone who lives around there (or who happens to visit it — it’s not a fenced space) to see. And take.
  • Thank goodness I don’t have to live 100 yards from the biggest radio tomorrow I’ve ever seen.

So she wrote back and said she’d decided to move out anyway. But then later she wrote back saying she’d given it a lot of thought, and would stay if we would be her roommates, and offered us a discounted price that is actually hard to refuse.

And meanwhile, my bf has thought about some of the things that had put him off about it before, and decided he’d like to give it a shot. But I’ve gone the opposite way.

The thing is:

  • The young lady seemed super nice and friendly. I think she’d be a nice roommate for us.
  • The price now can’t be beat in this entire city, frankly. No, that’s not true; I know of people in rent-controlled spaces who have been there for many years who pay a small amount for rent. But that’s the exception.
  • The location is BEAUTIFUL. It’s in the middle of a nature preserve, basically.

AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM!!!!! It’s in the middle of nowhere, within this city. So all I can think is DANGER! DANGER! Nobody can hear you scream. If I don’t catch one of the shuttles which I don’t believe run at all times each day, I would be walking, alone, for 30 minutes uphill to get home. There is even a stretch of the walk that has emergency phones every 30 feet or so. … My bf thinks this should comfort me but it does the opposite — OBVIOUSLY there have been safety issues in the past, or they wouldn’t have installed emergency phones every 30 feet!!!!!

  • She’d be a hiking partner as we walk through the woods and trails each weekend or whenever.
  • She knows everyone who lives around there by name, which is awesome.
  • She plans to organize board game nights with them, which I’d love.

But then let’s go back to the cons:

  • The lighting was shitty. Okay, so I’d be buying a lot of sun lights and such.
  • Sound transfers among the units, so we’d be hearing the toddlers nearby and THEY’D hear us practicing music, which may or may not be an issue.
  • The yoga teacher of the class where I met her warned my bf’s mom that this young lady just recently had to take out a restraining order against her violent, abusive ex. …

Back to the pros.

  • Did I mention it is a lovely area??? Lovely.

But here’s another thing in my mind:

  • If I wanted to live in the middle of the woods, I’d go back Home. I am accepting City Living here. I don’t plan to live in a City forever, but I am right now. But this wouldn’t be. It would be 30 minutes of walking secluded from City.
  • 30 minutes of walking ADDED ON to my commute to school.
  • 30 minutes of walking ADDED ON if I want to jog to the icecream shop (it wouldn’t happen; let that be clear).
  • 30 minutes of walking… and then I’d be too exhausted to do anything.
  • 30 minutes of walking… nope, I predict I’d never leave the apartment.

But my bf thinks it would motivate us to get out on the weekends and do things more. I guess because we’d feel isolated and would have to go journey for adventure? I’m concerned, to say the least. But the thing is, it had sounded pretty cool when it had first come up; why am I so against it now?

Before, I think I was seeing her friendliness and what it would be like to live with her, and the view, and thinking about how to make it work, like leaving earlier and…. yeah that doesn’t sound like me.

 

Evenings are not so good

It’s only just occurred to me, but evenings are really not so hot. You already know that mornings are killer lately, but I’m going to go out there on a limb and venture that evenings might actually be worse. I’m not sure where “evening” is beginning or ending for me, but somewhere, before I fall asleep at night but definitely after 5 pm, things are getting quite bad.

I’m going to think back, perhaps inaccurately, and state that I’m quite certain ALL urges to cut have been in the evening. All of them.

My psychiatrist has given me a few names of local psych people who might be able to help me. She also contacted my old therapist and got some names from her as well. There is a part of me that wonders if I should try to go back to my old therapist: I did improve so much while seeing her. But she’s so far away, I don’t think I could do it. And she wanted me every week which I started to obsess over financially too much.

I jogged today. It took a circuit breaker blowing out the Internet connection to force me outside. I had been watching these really awesome Accounting lectures online. The last of the setting sun touched my skin as I jogged. I jogged while listening to music this time, for the first time (I don’t always feel safe wearing earbuds in public – like someone is going to sneak up on me or something). It was nice. I felt the best ever on today’s jog — I was able to actually jog for much of the way to the icecream shop and even part of the way back, up the hills, even! It was amazing. I did have to slow for my lungs at some points. By the end, my legs were starting to feel it, but again, it was not so bad. I think I probably could have gone even father this time, but that’s not my goal. I don’t want to increase my distance until I can go there and back without too many walking breaks. It doesn’t matter to me if that is proper jogging goal-making — it’s just a personal goal.

I think I know what’s getting me in the evenings. But I don’t feel okay writing about it in a public space. I have a pretty strong, nagging suspicion now. But I don’t want it to be true. I want to go to therapy and work out everything in myself and have everything external fall into place because of it. … But my nagging suspicion is toward something external, and if that’s the deal, then I’m going to have to make a certain change that I don’t want to make. But this becomes stronger by the day and it’s really sad. It’s so hard to know, because it’s also one of my OCD obsessions, so I don’t know for sure. I definitely need to see a therapist soon though, either way. I’ll try to call one of the options tomorrow.

Tomorrow, the most important thing I can do is study a particular chapter of the Accounting textbook. It’s my last chance before the final, and the professor already stated that a lot of questions will come from this chapter, which I haven’t actually read yet. I did study a lot of older material all day long today, though.

Remember when

She remembers when she was a small child. There are rows and rows of adult-sized chairs all around. Her parents are seated in two of them with luggage around their legs. Her brother is at the drinking fountain across the way.

Above, there is a television screen. There is text scrolling across the bottom of the screen. She stares at it for a while but it’s boring. The background reads “CNN”. Most of the words are too large for her to understand but there are just heads and shoulders on the screen, obviously talking. She goes back to playing with her toy airplane, landing it on the waves of carpet and mountains of armrests.

Back to the present moment, she opens her eyes. The Republican debate is playing on the television. The scrolling text, the heads on shoulders. Now it’s entertaining. There’s a swirly carpet and armrests but no toy plane is present.

Sleep time now

Petty words.
Petty speech.
What is profound?
Things crumbling, things feeling like they’re crumbling but not actually crumbling.
How about that?
Fear of you finding these words, keeps me from writing them?
Emotions go up, emotions go down.
Things are very good, things are off. Things are off.

School is winding down. I have a presentation tomorrow and a final. It shouldn’t be bad. Neither of them should be bad. The hardest part will be getting there… I haven’t been getting up early enough for morning classes in a month or more. I missed a lot of them. But I’m close now. If I can get up tomorrow, it will do a lot for finishing the semester. I need to get out of bed by 8:10 am at the latest. For real. I need to have my feet on the ground and be standing upright by 8:10 am. No shower, just put on clothes, grab some yogurt and go.

I don’t mind the simmering panic that’s tucked away inside of me. I know it’s for the grades. But I also know I’ll feel even worse about myself between semesters – so I must find something productive to do during that time. Perhaps I’ll volunteer somewhere… I’m doubting people hire for a week or two stint.

I’m listening to “Burning House”, a song introduced to me by the TV show “The Voice”, which I watched with my bf’s mother tonight. It’s one of those lovely, dark songs that twists my heart. (Random fyi: I’d vote for Jordan, personally. If I voted, which I haven’t.) His voice is so lovely, IMO.

Horses. I think I’ll go on a horse ride within the next month. As the finals approached and my stress built, I chose escapism in the form of my first real cellphone video game. It’s called, “The Horse” or something. Maybe “My Horse”. Anyway, it’s actually surprisingly well done. I surfed through a bunch of them and most were terrible and not worth even a few minutes of play. This one is perfect for my escapism. But I only need it for another week. I’m also rereading a book, slowly.

I’m down tonight for two reasons. If I’m being honest, one is because you haven’t displayed your affection in a way I can “feel” today. That would mean eye contact and probably a hug. The other is that it’s very late and you’re still working. You got home late which was fine but you’re still working an it’s past midnight and I hate to make a fuss but I can’t actually fall asleep if I’m “waiting” for someone. So I’ll be awake as long as you’re awake, but I don’t tell you, because that’s not your problem. That’s my problem. It’s a problem I’ve had for my whole, entire life. (Sleepover history, long stories there, believe me.) But I feel a lot like crying. I should just woman-up and go downstairs and tell you. I have a final tomorrow and I need to go to sleep and I can’t sleep until you’re in bed. … Or I could just sit and type here and wait. And listen to sad music. It’s kind of lovely, you know?

I played piano for a long time today.

Did I mention I got to go hiking this weekend?! It was so great. And I DIDN’T have to be pulled up any hills this time! I was so much stronger than the last time I’d been hiking — it must be from the attempts at jogging lately. Jogging is wonderful. It gives me a new identity to try to become. “I’m A Jogger.” Haha. If any of you saw me, you’d know it’s a laugh, but I’m really so pleased that I’m doing it. Even if I walk 25 minutes and jog for 3 minutes or whatever, I’m really trying and I’m so glad.

But my depression. In some ways, it’s very bad. In other ways, I’m still doing okay. It’s like there is a very strong split right now. I’m not functioning in any important way – screw sleeping myself, feeding myself, cleaning myself, whatever. I can’t get out of my room on my own. Yet, I am succeeding at school, when I’m there. I am succeeding at jogging. I am succeeding at practicing piano about six days a week.

But something so key, so vital, so important is just lacking. It’s just not there. It’s not here. It’s like, maybe the create vent is gone, maybe the feeling that I can do anything for the humanity or the world is not here right now.

I need to at least volunteer. Maybe I feel worthless without a job. I mean, I’m making a lot of effort for school, so in a way that’s a job, but it feels like a luxury to me. Luxuries mean a lot of guilt for me.

Oh dear, I forgot to pay for my pony’s feed this month! I need to send a check ASAP! Whatever am I going to do with my pony? Thank gawd it’s winter there and not the season where anybody buys horses so I can forgive myself for not taking care of this decision right now. Baby girl, you hang in there with my friend’s wonderful care. Life is crazy.

And oh yes, Oh yes have there been desires to cut myself. Oh yes. I don’t know what good it would do, I just want to sometimes. I’m so close and I know it’ll help me focus, that’s all.

Sleep time now. Whew. He finished his project (workaholics 😉 ). Let me sleep tonight, though, please. It’s been several nights since I’ve gotten a nice sleep. I’ve been waking up every hour or more frequently (literally). I would love to sleep soundly for these hours.

Goodnight, all. P.S. The jogging is also great because it gets me outside and in fresh(sort of) air. It’s wonderful for sure.

End Of Semester (get it together!)

So it’s winding down to the final days of the semester. I was doing so well all semester until … approximately this month. Literally speaking, ever since I moved to a new location. So there’s something about the increased time it takes me to get to school that also increases my likelihood of not attending.

However, I’m trying to pull it together so as not to completely undo all of the progress I’d made during the semester. I’ve contacted my psychiatrist and having a listening ear was in itself extremely helpful. I’ve also scheduled an appointment with Disability Support Services for tomorrow. I want to make sure the counselor there knows what is happening for me and see if she has any suggestions.

I have a haircut appointment for tomorrow, so PERHAPS my self-cut will get fixed up. 🙂 Or it could make things worse!! I know nothing about this hair place except that I walk past it every day… But hopefully it won’t be terrible. I just really want a change. But I don’t know; with what I did the other day, there might be no hope until the front grows out more again.  (That was a “whoops” but it was fun.)

Let’s break this down. Tonight, I have just one goal: Accounting quiz that’s tomorrow. All I absolutely have to do tonight is the homework for tomorrow’s Accounting quiz. I’ve jogged, I’ve eaten. Now is the time for studying.

Wednesday, I will have just one thing I have to get done: My PPT presentation. I worked on it for a couple of hours the other day but I’m too much of a perfectionist and kept switching topics because I wasn’t satisfied. I think I’m going to switch topics again but I have a good idea. Also, I couldn’t figure out any kind of order, so I just had random slides and ideas all over and it was a big mess. Oh well, I’ll try again. But FIRST, Accounting homework for tomorrow. Later, everyone.

Jogging!

I am really amazed that I can already tell a difference in my jogging attempt just from several days of doing it! My calves were sore for the first two days but even that is better already. It’s really amazing. Now I’m talking I count any kind of progress because I’m Ground 0 for jogging. If I jog 3 out of 30 minutes and walk the rest of the time, I’m fine with that. I’m ECSTATIC by the 3 minutes, in fact.

But today, I jogged most of the way to the icecream shop! I can’t believe it! I jogged part of the way back but my exercise-induced-asthma intervened. That’s fine. I am astounded that my asthma intervened as opposed to my leg or other muscles. It’s amazing.

And the asthma is of no concern to me — it’s perfectly normal for me because I’m living around 2 cats, which I’m allergic to. So of course I’ll get asthma when exercising. When I owned a pony, it was the same exchange. I get the joy of living with animals, which enrich my life. In exchange, I can only exercise so much before my lungs refuse additional air and I have to stop for a while or keep very slow.

But I can’t stress how amazing it is that I went as far as I did without needing to stop today. The icecream shop isn’t far by “real” joggers’ standards. Oh! I looked it up — it’s half a mile! That’s awesome! Hot dog. My blood pressure complained to me while jogging — things going dim and such. But I’m going to keep doing this and see if that improves.

I got my bloodwork results back today, finally. The vitamins + such appear to be within normal range. B12 was high (I had taken a sublingual sometime that week, which probably effected it). Vit D was within normal but at the lowest end. I’ve been taking a supplement since then and I do feel a bit better from it. But everything else was right smack in the normal ranges, so my exhaustion is caused from something else. The endocrinologist will want to refer me to a neurologist now. I’m debating. (These things cost money, y’o!)