Brighter

Well all,
Life is weird. Right? Right?? Life is fucking WEIRD. I mean, really. Life is really, really, really weird.

Of course, maybe that’s how it always feel after you’ve just moved. And moved in with your partner’s mother. And your partner has had a crazy work schedule due to a conference that was being held, so you’ve only seen him like once in a week, or at least that’s how it feels.

And part of why it feels that way is because when he was home, at like 11 pm, and you did go to bed, you had to enforce a large space bubble because he was a stranger to you. Because you were dissociating and although you could consciously think back and tell yourself that yes, you have met this person before and actually lived with this person for a while, you don’t know or recognize this person right now. The face and hair are unfamiliar. The mental processes of his brain are unfamiliar.

Monday, I had a test. Today, I had two tests. I think I did well on all three. Yesterday, he and I chatted via text for a brief time during the day. I asked him how he was doing whatwith all this change and such. He said it was hard and he felt like he had lost some of my trust. Yeah, he had. I can’t put my finger on the reason why, but yep. I asked if he was interested in splitting up with me. He said no but that we should talk about things. I suggested we go on a walk & talk later.

I didn’t know it, but he had thought I wanted to go on a walk with him for the sake of breaking up. For me, going on a walk is like my one attempt at repairing things. Because I can’t connect with a person in a house. We connected in the first place outdoors, doing things. That’s where we need to work on repairing things, IMO.

Anyway. So we went on a walk, exploring the residential areas around here. It was a relief to be out, exercising for the first time in how long. We didn’t chat too deeply but we did get into it a little bit. I felt a lot of relief and a little more at peace.

I had been so angry on moving day. SO angry. Because he wasn’t there. He had to be at that horribly-timed conference for work. I was scared. He had taken off the day before to pack, and we had accomplished a lot but weren’t entirely done. So I was gathering up last shreds of items and trying to organize them into boxes but failing repeatedly. I managed to get enough together by the time they arrived.

Ah well. I cry every day. Because I miss the cats so much. I liked both cats but I was really fond of miss Curie, especially. She loved me, too.

My partner’s mum has two cats but I’m not attached to them yet. And I have been sneezing more here, so I’m trying to keep them away a lot. I don’t have to fear getting attached to these cats because after we move out, I expect to still see them each weekend or however often we visit (it’s typically once a weekend).

All of this sounds negative, I expect, but I titled this Brighter and I meant it. I’m feeling a lot better. It was last night that I realized I’d been dissociating a lot since the move. I told him. I don’t know that he understands but I felt better for having put it into words and recognized what was happening.

In spite of moments of going in and out of reality, I actually have found moments of joy in my heart for living here. And that is freaking amazing, that it could happen at all in the midst of so much change and stress and uncertainty. This is very unusual for me. But I have been able to just walk over with my laptop to where my partner’s mum is sitting and watching TV, and just silently sit down and watch with her. We don’t know our relationship yet; as a tenant, I’m probably invading her space. As her son’s girlfriend, it’s probably fine but more chatter would be expected. This uncertain mix suites me much better; maybe she will expect more chatter or more space, i don’t know. But getting to just come in and sit down and have company but not be pressured into speaking is so nice. And I can sit in sunbeams around here. And the area is amazing.

She took me on a walking tour of the neighborhood today. I bought a cute dog card for my dad, from a pet shop we went to. She showed me the entrance to the nearby park. She showed me two little veggie shops and one main grocery store. It was quite a walk but such a relief. I suspect my lack of conversation was noticed at some point but I’m so out of energy for holding up conversations lately. I just don’t know what to say. But I liked the company and I liked getting to see so many things around here.

I saw a Post Office so I can mail out my dad’s super late birthday present soon. We also stopped at an icecream shop that sells vegan icecream, and I bought one and it was amazing. I only meant to eat part of it but I hadn’t realized how long the walk back would take; I ate nearly all of it. The last bite is currently in the freezer.

Sleep is a bit challenging. Well, my partner & I went to bed SUPER late last night because he was helping me study for my tests. I especially requested help for the Math test; I didn’t understand one of the chapters. It paid off; I have my score for it already, and I got a 100%!! But we were SO tired this morning. I’m drained.

I’m probably also feeling hopeful now because my first ever endocrinologist appointment is tomorrow. As always, I hope for mysteries of the universe to be quickly explained and “cured” with a quick, cheap-fix, one-line diagnosis. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Chronic exhaustion… CURED
Lifetime of insomnia and sleep issues… CURED
Depression… CURED
Lethargy… CURED
Exercise aversion… CURED
Lack of motivation… CURED
Anxiety… CURED
Indecisiveness… CURED
Intestinal pain… CURED
Moodiness… CURED
Lack of self-confidence… CURED

ETC!

Well, I am going to go make some tea. Using the teapot I already damaged by forgetting about it. (Yes, I have a new system in place so that doesn’t happen again.) At least she didn’t seem upset with me. That was a rough first day. My gawd it has been stressful, when you think about it.

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2 thoughts on “Brighter

  1. Yaay, you did it. You moved, solo!.. and you survived. Perhaps Mom is not super chatty because she figures you’ll have plenty of time to chat about all the things that people chat about when they are part of each others lives. So glad you like the house and neighborhood too.
    If you didn’t tell bf and Mom that you connect to people better outside, it might help if you do. I have had similar convos with my other half that have helped – my ‘thing’ is getting work complete before dinner. Not coming home at 6 from one thing and about 2 hours online work for something else, to find that he’s cooking dinner (wonderful) and it will be on the table in 20 mins (not wonderful, led to stress and almost argument).
    Perhaps you can figure out how much of the circumstances of his work, that caused you to lose some of his trust, are not his fault, and let some of the trust come back. It sounds like he really** loves you.
    Well done on the test! Hope you did well on the others too.

    Like

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