Mixen’ up

Today was all right. I went to classes. But at home, I didn’t go to the grocery store (desperately needed). And I haven’t done homework. I did practice Spanish a little bit, for fun. And I ate a bowl of freeze-dried noodles and freeze-dried vegetable chunks. I then ate soy yogurt and homemade GF granola, to which I added cocoa powder with mini chocolate chips in it. And a drop of maple syrup.

Now I’m drinking a supposedly-vanilla-scented sleepy-time tea. My bf wrote that he’s on his way home. That’s when I realized I hadn’t actually done any homework nor have I started to pack. Nor have I done really anything, and that’s exactly when my anxiety SPIKED again. I mean out of control. I’m weak again, my heart is fluttering rather than beating. I can’t think or process or do anything. I’m scared and gray.

Why? Because once he’s home, the lack of having packed up anything becomes real? Because once he’s home, the lack of homework gotten done becomes real? I did make some quinoa. It’s cold now, on the stove top with a lid on it so it can be reheated. But I no longer feel like it. He’s been having to work really late lately; that’s why we haven’t gone to the grocery store. I love that he has such an immense work ethic. Last night, I was doing homework and he was doing work from home until I couldn’t anymore and I fell asleep. He kept going until midnight and then we went to bed.

I guess it’s not that late here yet but it’s so dark outside. It feels late. And I have an exhaustion beyond words. It’s this anxiety. It’s wearing me down.

I have to make a change. This isn’t working and it isn’t a life. It isn’t MY life.

  • I looked at a lot of job listings today. There is one in particular, with a well-known animal rescue organization, that actually sounds doable for me. I will need to fill out an application, cover letter, and alert my references. I should still have a resume copy laying around from a few months ago. I need to submit for this job because it would be very good for me. The main downside is that it is weekends, which I wanted to avoid.
  • But frankly, my partner & I have been having an issue with our conflicting executive function difficulties as of late. It’s making it hard to be productive on the weekends as is. Last weekend, I did my damn best to write down a list of possible things we could do, as requested. I gave it to him and expected he would choose several and place them in some sort of order for the day. Instead, we just sort of did some things at random and then he was really frustrated at the end of the day for having had no feeling of progressing toward anything. We hadn’t communicated well. When I had given him that list, I expected him to take the next step. He was expecting ME to decide the order of events I wanted to do, and tell him what to do. I want him to tell me what to do. If I had the skills to choose my own damn schedule, I wouldn’t be in this mess of a life in the first place.
  • I’m gaining weight, particularly in the face which I hate. Next semester, I am going to sign up for an exercise class. I suspect I’ll do weight-lifting, because my mom thinks that’s supposed to help prevent osteoporosis, which I have a higher-than-average likelihood of having when I’m older.
  • Weekends. Do away with weekends. Do away with the potential for conflict. I want us to do our own, separate things on at least one day of the weekend. That way if our one day together is a flop, we can each salvage what we can separately. Scheduling for self alone isn’t as challenging as scheduling for two.
  • Food. I’m not going grocery shopping anymore because it gets darker earlier. Also, I don’t always have the internal motivation to leave my apartment. But I could use savings money and hire a company to fucking DELIVER groceries to me once a week or two. That would surely be cheaper than eating every meal out. I just. can’t. keep doing that.
  • Cats. I picked up a cat tonight and started crying. I’m going to miss this trouble creatures. I’m going to miss the nosy one so much. She’s always in my stuff. She’s always on me or with me if I’m out of my room. She loves me.
  • This weekend. He has a conference this weekend, it turns out. I learned it twenty minutes ago. Why won’t this anxiety medicine hurry up and kick in? I took a little bit just a bit ago, when the panic set in. I thought we were going to be moving our stuff to his mom’s place this weekend. I guess that is not the case; but we will do packing. Somehow. I suppose I’d best just hire someone. I can’t stand the thought of him seeing my lack of packing. He’s offering to skip the conference because moving is more important. But I somehow don’t think that’s the biggest issue.
  • It isn’t timing. It’s … the executing. Can someone PLEASE come out and help me???????????? I’d better hurry up and hire someone from online. I have two old contacts from TaskRabbit. I’ll ask them both if there’s any way they can help me because I just can’t get this started on my own.
  • What the hell is so hard about getting started? The panic! It’s really unbelievable. The gray and the fluttering heart. I don’t think my heart is even beating anymore – it’s just a mere whisper of a tremble. No pulse. I can’t reply back to bf, I won’t be able to smile or say hi to him when he does enter the apartment (soon). This night is going to be really rough if this anxiety medicine doesn’t hurry up and kick in. I’m scared to death.
  • Woops, I have to go now. Thanks for listening.
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8 thoughts on “Mixen’ up

  1. All you can do is your best. Sometimes you have to get sleep even when nothing is done because you’re just too exhausted to be productive. I sure hope you get your anxiety to a better level for you, it’s not fun to deal with that especially when there are things that need to be done.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG an animal rescue job! I think you would love that. It would help your animal love cravings and won’t conflict with school and perhaps it will give you and bf a little bit of weekend breather time so that the together time is all good. At least for awhile.
    It’s so funny you ate noodles. I was going to say in my last reply, you cook good food, I open packets of noodles. I’m just glad you didn’t have the yogurt and granola on the noodles. (But I’m ok with you if you did that.)
    I saw a quote on another blog I thought you might like:
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
    – Kahlil Gibran
    Huggs and happy packing! (Use the move as the best reason not to stock up on groceries, they’ll only have to be moved.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. What’s kind of crazy is that I don’t remember writing this post (nor have a reread it yet, so I don’t know what it says). But I know I write when I’m emotional. Based on the comments I’ve received to this post, I’m a bit afraid to reread it!
      Thank you for your kindness & thoughts.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. your bullet points

    1. you make this harder than it is
    2. does it matter what order you do the events in? or does it matter that you just do something together?
    3. your gaining weight because you keep eating out. you used to be so dilligent at your diet.
    4. good idea on the weekends.
    5. dilligent diet. go to the store and pick the stuff you want. you used to do this all the time.
    7. so he has a conference, so what. that gives you all the time you want to do what you want.
    8. just pack a bit at a time. its really not that big of a deal.
    9. quit panicking.

    all in all, this stuff dosnt matter. it dosnt matter at the end of the day if you packed a box or what order you did events in. it dosnt matter how you think other people are going to think of you, because you dont know how other people really think of you, just what you think.

    nobody is going to love you less because you didnt pack a box on time, or eat soy yogurt, or gain a little weight. if they do, they didnt love you to begin with.

    i used to have anxiety, and sometimes it come back from time to time. but when it does, i know that what I am getting anxious about is not something important. its about what kind of chips i want with my sandwich, or how many eggs to buy at the store 6, 12, 18? i didnt even watch a movie with my bf because i felt like i should be doing something else, like dishes, or laundry, or working on my paintings and stuff.

    i made it harder than it actually was. i made up all the anxiety. no one really judged me for not painting, or having laundry done. my bf wanted to help me, and i was so dificult to deal with.

    all of this stuff dosnt matter

    Liked by 1 person

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