What now?

What am I going to do?

Will we break up?

Will I quit my job?

Will I be without a place to sleep and keep my belongings?

I’m stressed, obviously. There’s been a breakdown. I had no idea the topic of housing would do this. But the stress is so high, I cannot think. I cannot make decisions about the simplest of topics any more. The anxiety is high, the stress is high, and I can’t focus on anything.

Schoolwork, tonight, seems irrelevant, when I don’t know really what my life will look like in two weeks. I mean, obviously we’ll just move in with his dad for now. Right? And I won’t mind it, once I’m there. I’ll adjust and it’ll be fine. (bf has executive fuction issues, too. Nightmare combo when it comes to this topic, it seems. or maybe he doesn’t care as much as I do, about where we live?)

But I’m mad that we never discussed it. We can’t, now. It’s too late to have a rational conversation with me. My walls are sky high and I can’t think. I’m in the haze. My mind is fuzz. My pulse is fast and weak. I shake a lot and my muscles are in pain.

I can’t talk anymore. This is shut down and I don’t know how to get out of it. So I say to myself, I could just leave altogether, and where would I go? I put in a sort of MORE official notice for my work last week. So I’ll have no income. But I’ll get a minimum-wage job, very parttime, and have a pathetic income. I looked up housing; I can’t afford anything around here on my own. So what am I going to do?

I have dreams about going Home all the time now, as the vacation slowly approaches. I’m wearing a wig and different clothes. Will that be enough to disguise myself? Maybe I shouldn’t go Home. I’m still too afraid of how my ex could respond if he sees me.

I have this headache. I get it every day. It comes along with this black, black, blackness in my head. How can I see the world in a positive way with this blackness hanging over my head?

My grades are still good. I’m doing all right, in school. It’s EVERYTHING else that is falling APART.

I ran this morning. I don’t mean that I physically ran, although I should do that for health reasons, but I left. My bf let me know that he was going to go grab a coffee with his roommate and his gf and I was free to join or meet them there or whatever, and I could sense they were in a hurry, so I started to say I’d like to join, but then could sense it again, so said go without me. I had just gotten out of the shower but actually only needed shoes in order to be ready; I’d already gotten dressed. Then I had this huge anxiety attack or something and like the walls were closing in around me. Like I just stand there and can’t make up my mind. Days go by and I just stand in one spot and can’t make a decision about the silliest things anymore. The sun rises and sets and I haven’t moved.

So I packed my school things and left and turned off my phone location settings so nobody could know where I was even if they looked. But I calmed down some minutes later and turned it all back on and wrote a note to say I’d be back soon. I’m just falling apart.

I spent like two days ago, I think, dissociating. I can’t take this stress right now. I’m so behind in so many things.

Afterward, today, my bf and I met his parents at the animal shelter near here, and we got to meet all of the cats and dogs. It was nice. My bf had set that up yesterday for me.

One thought on “What now?

  1. Oh I want to send you a hug. So, you’re still doing well in school. Yes, you will have a place in 2 weeks (Dad’s), it will be temporary – it will give you chance to revisit the topic of living where/together/whatever. Try thinking of this topic of housing as just an area that you two need to work on. In school you’re getting good grades because you’re getting told how to figure out the right answers, and in accounting, the rules are plain and learnable. In relationships, there are no classes, rules and circumstance can change like tides. Sometimes we ace things, sometimes not – I’ve had some big argues with my other half over misunderstandings – it’s just being human. But it seems your bf still wants to be with you – he arranged a cat/dog ‘fix’ for you, asked you to coffee, took you for that ice cream the other day. Sounds like you two are still getting an A- or a B+.
    I read something in my Tao book the other day that really stuck – ‘sometimes a partial solution is ok for now’. This seems to fit what you have with the housing thing. And a little more time to work on the full solution. Being homeless doesn’t sound like a partial solution. Perhaps you can break the situation down into two ‘transactions’. One to move to Dad’s, and one to move somewhere longer term together.
    Sounds like you’ve gotten scared about going ‘Home’. You mentioned a couple weeks ta back about pony/car tasks. Could either of these be done remotely? I have no idea of the answer to that as I don’t know enough about your situation. Perhaps not having to do that also in addition to the move – or have parents help you with it… could reduce your to-do list. I hope you can take a brick out of your wall and talk to your bf. It is** a lot of stuff to handle alone, and he and you are in it together on the moving item.
    Well done on keeping it together in school!


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