Last Day at Work!

The day came. It actually came. I didn’t even know it was the last day. Back story:

A month or so before school started, I let my boss know that I’d decided to go back to school and would only be available a couple of days a week until he hired my replacement.

I just finished Midterms, so it’s been half a semester. It turns out that he wasn’t really trying to replace me because he was worried how I would live without an income. I had gone down to really only coming in once a week, but continuing to do phones, faxing, and other things as needed from a distance. So he did find a person to work a couple of days a week recently. She was hired last week.

SO my boss asked me, do I want to continue to work one day per week, because that’s fine, or he can replace me entirely. I asked for some time to think it over. Last Friday, I let him know that I decided to no longer work at all for the company, so I could focus more on the schooling. I said, though, that I wanted to continue working one day per week until the point when I could transfer all of our important documents and procedures onto my replacement. (this was worded better at the time)

I never heard back.

But TODAY, in the morning, I got a text from my boss asking if my replacement was there yet to get the info from me. I was like, what? I haven’t ever talked with her, I have no idea what’s going on.

Well like two hours later, she showed up!! I had a good chunk of hours to go over every step (nearly) of the manual I’d created, and transfer passwords, numbers, procedures, etc to her. There’s still quite a bit of random contacts that will need to be informed of my replacement’s email address and all that, but WOW, that was pretty amazing! And my replacement is a serious spitfire. She will talk BACK to the bosses. It’s great. Not like push-over me. It was really fun to watch.

One of my bosses was on his cellphone as he was leaving (work call), and as he reached for the door, he seemed to remember that it had become my last day, and he turned and either nodded or waived at me, and then left. Heheh. I find goodbyes really stressful but that one didn’t even involve me having to do anything but smile and nod back.

But still, I do wonder what it all means. At lunch, my two bosses, myself, and another coworker went out to lunch together. And one of my bosses mused out loud that we needed to set up the phone system because he has no idea where any of the voicemails or faxes we receive have been going…. FOR REAL!!!!!!! I raised my hand and said, “…That’s me.” I’ve been taking care of them since March. Nobody knew that??? I had it routing to my cellphone every day of the week, even weekends. I could take care of any faxing from anywhere in the world I had service. He thought our voicemail system was going into a void that nobody knew how to check or take care of! Oy.

But, that’s enough negativity. Honestly, I have actually learned a ton from working at that company. I’ve learned more about the specifics of the tasks involved, and I’ve learned more about working with various personalities. I’ve learned a lot about many different kinds of problems that I had to solve on my own. There are still 2 problems I haven’t yet solved and to be honest, I will likely continue to work at those two until I figure out how to resolve them. But it was a very lucky thing I got that job from my uncle in the first place. It was lucky they kept me on. Especially back in January when I was so depressed and sluggish and came in hours late all the time. I was quite lucky.

And one employee did say thank you for all I’ve done. 🙂 And that was the one employee who usually did her own tasks and mailings and didn’t use me very often. But she’s super sweet and I’ll miss her, although I was always very awkward around her. I was always awkward around all of them, actually! I don’t think I ever felt quite right there. (And for comparison, I DID feel like I fit in perfectly at my old job.)

HEY and in other news, bf and I have not found an apartment yet. We will be moving in with his mother (not his father, after all), until we find a place. But we are looking now and that relieves me quite a lot.

And midterm grades came out, and I have all A’s so far! But like I say, the only way for me to go from here is down! Ha ha ha! I don’t know why I love being a pessimist so much.

Cheers, everyone! ❤

Oh hey and by the way, I found something really weird when I was cleaning off my work computer of anything personal. Something really, really, really weird. I won’t post it here, but it was weird. Then I went on a long bike ride for the way home and I got mixed up because I was also talking with my mom via headset. And it was getting dark. But I made it. I haven’t been exercising much at all.

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What now?

What am I going to do?

Will we break up?

Will I quit my job?

Will I be without a place to sleep and keep my belongings?

I’m stressed, obviously. There’s been a breakdown. I had no idea the topic of housing would do this. But the stress is so high, I cannot think. I cannot make decisions about the simplest of topics any more. The anxiety is high, the stress is high, and I can’t focus on anything.

Schoolwork, tonight, seems irrelevant, when I don’t know really what my life will look like in two weeks. I mean, obviously we’ll just move in with his dad for now. Right? And I won’t mind it, once I’m there. I’ll adjust and it’ll be fine. (bf has executive fuction issues, too. Nightmare combo when it comes to this topic, it seems. or maybe he doesn’t care as much as I do, about where we live?)

But I’m mad that we never discussed it. We can’t, now. It’s too late to have a rational conversation with me. My walls are sky high and I can’t think. I’m in the haze. My mind is fuzz. My pulse is fast and weak. I shake a lot and my muscles are in pain.

I can’t talk anymore. This is shut down and I don’t know how to get out of it. So I say to myself, I could just leave altogether, and where would I go? I put in a sort of MORE official notice for my work last week. So I’ll have no income. But I’ll get a minimum-wage job, very parttime, and have a pathetic income. I looked up housing; I can’t afford anything around here on my own. So what am I going to do?

I have dreams about going Home all the time now, as the vacation slowly approaches. I’m wearing a wig and different clothes. Will that be enough to disguise myself? Maybe I shouldn’t go Home. I’m still too afraid of how my ex could respond if he sees me.

I have this headache. I get it every day. It comes along with this black, black, blackness in my head. How can I see the world in a positive way with this blackness hanging over my head?

My grades are still good. I’m doing all right, in school. It’s EVERYTHING else that is falling APART.

I ran this morning. I don’t mean that I physically ran, although I should do that for health reasons, but I left. My bf let me know that he was going to go grab a coffee with his roommate and his gf and I was free to join or meet them there or whatever, and I could sense they were in a hurry, so I started to say I’d like to join, but then could sense it again, so said go without me. I had just gotten out of the shower but actually only needed shoes in order to be ready; I’d already gotten dressed. Then I had this huge anxiety attack or something and like the walls were closing in around me. Like I just stand there and can’t make up my mind. Days go by and I just stand in one spot and can’t make a decision about the silliest things anymore. The sun rises and sets and I haven’t moved.

So I packed my school things and left and turned off my phone location settings so nobody could know where I was even if they looked. But I calmed down some minutes later and turned it all back on and wrote a note to say I’d be back soon. I’m just falling apart.

I spent like two days ago, I think, dissociating. I can’t take this stress right now. I’m so behind in so many things.

Afterward, today, my bf and I met his parents at the animal shelter near here, and we got to meet all of the cats and dogs. It was nice. My bf had set that up yesterday for me.

So angry.

I’m in the rottenest mood on the planet today. I woke up this way. I probably went to bed this way.

How the hell do you get rid of the “grammarly” icon below? I can’t believe how irritating that is. Every moment I’m typing, it’s coming up with more errors, which I’d have to make an account and sign in to see how it wants me to fix them. Shut. Up.

So last week, a person was hired to be a sort of me at work on the days I’m not there. Great, right?

Except, I come in today and the place is a fucking MESS. The dishes are piled in the sink — oh look, they saved them ALL for me. The coffee pot wasn’t even rinsed, nor were the old grounds dumped out from the top. WTH. There’s ink boxes left out near the printers (put them away in their spot, where you got them out from, which is 3 feet away??). She used my COMPUTER. There’s 3 other computers she could have used. She logged me out and logged herself in to my computer! It’s definitely the day for me to clear off all of my personal shit from this machine and log out my usernames. No more remote-access from home for me — guess she’ll be in charge of the faxing now, although nobody’s asked me to show her how to use the new system. Whatever. I don’t care today.

There’s two giant boxes of printer paper — WHY?! I pre-purchased TONS of paper recently — it’s all nicely filed away beneath the printers — and mine is 100% recycled whereas this shit isn’t even 1% recycled! FAIL.

She knocked over my paper shredder and there’s bits of paper around my chair and such now. Looks like she tried to vacuum it up — the vacuum canister is OVER THE FILL LINE with bits of paper — didn’t even empty out the canister after vacuuming!!! Don’t you know how to treat a Dyson?!

Of course, it doesn’t help that all of this was done in “secret”. As if I couldn’t hear them all whispering from the office next to my little desk? … Right. Um, you know, your door doesn’t seal. It just sort of sits ajar… And I’m like 12 feet away… I can hear you discussing your new hire and discussing what tasks she’s going to replace from me… And yes I do know, despite your whispered assurances that I don’t.

And nobody watered the plant all week. Maybe I can take it with me when I leave, which is going to be quite soon.

My uncle gave me the option, do I want to keep working Fridays or quit altogether so I can focus more on my schoolwork? The money tempted me to stay on, but I’ve never felt comfortable in this job. You guys will remember that. I’ve always dreaded and kind of loathed coming here, without knowing exactly why.

Just get me out of here.

Meanwhile, my bf and I have to move out of our apartment. We’ll move out around November 8th. That’s kind of soon. That’s in about 2 weeks. I’ve been crying randomly since figuring that out. I don’t want to move and I certainly don’t think moving in with his dad for $1500/month is the proper alternative. But is my current spot really worth me using up my life’s savings? Get with it, innerdragon. No. Nothing is worth using up my life savings. It’s just a roof over my head. And a fucking amazing kitchen I’m very comfortable and happy with. And a location directly near the public transit and a very nice grocery store. I can hardly breathe.

I woke up with no interest or positivity possible. No smile. No wanting to open my eyes. Only complaints spoken to my bf. Tears as I’m waiting for my train to take me to work this morning. Thinking about $1500/mo for a tiny room at my bf’s dad’s house where the kitchen is tiny and we’ll all be sharing the same toilet. I won’t have my own freezer. I NEED my own freezer. I can’t feed myself if I don’t have my own freezer. And are they going to be arguing politics a lot? Maybe I’m wrong about that.

It’s just a roof over my head. It’s just plot of building in a location I had no right to grow so damn attached to.

Normally, I look forward to things.

  • Listening to “Welcome to NightVale” podcast
  • Practicing Spanish on DuoLingo’s free app
  • Studying Accounting in the tutoring lab when Greta and others are there
  • Taking random photographs

But this morning? I had nothing. Nothing to get me to open my eyes or out of bed. My bf tried so hard. In the end, I begged for something to look forward to this evening. He suggested we could eat icecream together. That worked. Tonight, he and I are going to eat our pistachio-chocolate dairy-free gelatos we have in our freezer that we picked up some weeks ago from the chocolate shop that’s directly outside of our apartment.

I think I need to be gone during the moving process. Maybe I could begin packing right away, and then I will go out of town somehow and just pay for someone to move my things for me. I can’t handle this emotional rollercoaster. Y’all surely remember when I was in charge of moving my workplace, I became quite severely depressed and hopeless. Moving and me DO NOT GO TOGETHER.

I dissociated most of yesterday. That is not my norm. Grammarly is informing me that I have 17 errors worthy of a BOLD, RED CIRCLE IN MY VISUAL FIELD.

Complaint + Random

I’m behind on journaling.

But meanwhile, I am having insomnia tonight. So here I am. I got upset. Things can be up, then boom. But it’s been okay.

But I don’t have to tell you or justify. I don’t have to rationalize that in all of my silence, I’ve been fine, but now that I’m upset, I want to write. I don’t have to balance the equation. I am what I am, and in this moment, I’m upset.

There’s a move coming up. You guys might remember how well I handle that… /fall apart/

School is well. Busy busy. But I like those days. Structured. Busy. People I’m growing to know, a little bit. Certain people I’m getting to recognize and chat with over studying in the tutoring center, where I spend most of my weeks. It’s almost like making friends, but we’re all busy and don’t have time to meet elsewhere in the city.

I’m sitting in an amazing place. I can’t describe it. I’m in the heart of the city in a modern, top-notch building and I stayed emotionally detached for a couple of months, thinking of it as His and Yours. I was just happening here to spend my time with my bf. But now, now that my bed is here is here and I’ve moved a bit more of my stuff in, and I’ve paid some rent and re-organized parts of the kitchen, and kept the shower and sinks clean. Now it’s mine too. And I’ve grown attached to the streets and the views and the amazing space. I’ll never live in a space this nice again; you’d have to see it and the views and the location to know what I’m referring to. I’ll never be this close to public transport or grocery stores again. Now, now that my bf has set his mind to leaving (he was unsure at first and I encouraged him toward leaving, due to the rent$$). Now that he’s certain of leaving, I’ve realized, I LOVE this place. I’ve even learned a few of the streets.

Oh well. It wasn’t a place I would have chosen at first; I certainly couldn’t afford it rationally. But damn. I’ll miss this. Oops, I’ve woken my bf. I have a cat on my lap.

I’ve been sleeping well lately, but tonight, no go. Partly, I’m in pain. I had some yuck food earlier, I think. Stomach ache, but mostly muscle aches and pains. I was exhausted today. One of the ladies I study with even told me so when I first approached the table; that I look exhausted. Yep. That’s because I didn’t have school yesterday and unstructured days are not my best days.

School days are great.

Hey, I have an opportunity to quit my job. I have chickened out so far. But now it’s right out in the open; I can just give the word that even Fridays are too much for me. THEY ARE. But the money… the money… is hard to give up. But commuting to another city each Friday and catching up on a week’s worth of chores and work has been difficult. Not impossible task-wise, but mentally difficult. Exhausting.

Or rather, I’m likely just still exhausted. I’ve been feeling better since getting to increase my thyroid dose nearly back up to where it used to be. I spent years and years at 100 mcg. My doctor said my tests were borderline high and she is worried about future osteoporosis, so wanted me to try 88 mcg instead. I did that for like… a month? And started to lose motivation! And energy. And drive. And the ability or motivation to do anything, even walk to the grocery store. It was getting bad, but I was still studying. I suspect it’s partly the placebo effect, because AS SOON AS I got permission to take a 100 mcg again, I felt improved THAT SAME DAY. 🙂  So I am alternating now — 88, then 100, 88, 100 etc. It does seem to affect my heartbeat at the higher dose, unfortunately. I forgot to mention that was another reason for going down on it. I can’t count how many times my heart has done odd beats today alone.

This isn’t to mention that we have to move in less than a month. We probably won’t find anything that fast, not here. So the backup plan is to move in with his dad, who always rents certain rooms of the house. It wouldn’t be free and would be temporary. But I’m concerned about space issues; the kitchen is very small and also, I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t feel comfortable touching anything there. I wouldn’t feel on a level playing field, you know? It wouldn’t be the same as finding roommates. I like his dad and I love the location, except it’s not that close to the public transport or grocery stores. But the area is beautiful and neighborhood feels fairly safe, which is important. But the space, again, would my stuff fit into the room? Would we put together my bed and wardrobe there, knowing it would be temporary? So many unknowns.

I knit for a while this evening. It was nice. I’m paranoid/ fairly certain that my bf’s roommate’s gf doesn’t like me. I don’t think I’ve done or said anything offensive, but yet she definitely doesn’t talk with me or make eye contact. I might just be being paranoid. Or she just doesn’t like me.

And should I care? Really? Of course I had an image in mind where the four of us get along and we can even watch a DVD together or some such thing that won’t happen in the next less than a month, but / Got distracted. I’ve been listening to, “Welcome to Night Vale” a lot lately. I’m relistening to an episode right now. I’ve been trying to sooth myself since I got upset earlier. Hence why I’m (finally) typing on here again, too.

I zoned out again. I took some anti-anxiety medicine just before starting to type, too. It must be kicking in now. Yay. I haven’t said what upset me. It was a single spoken sentence. Hmm. Maybe it was 2 sentences, or one sentece with a semi-colon. No matter. It’ll be sorted out tomorrow; I just didn’t want to deal with it tonight.

Kitty is so soft and sweet. Man did she get excited when I came out here to the sofa with my laptop. She’s kneading on me right now. But I’m winding down, and then she and the other kitty will have these rooms to themselves again.

I don’t really want to stop typing. The sound and spring of the keys is very soothing. But I do need to lay down and pretend to be sleeping until it becomes a reality. Well, goodnight all.

Woop, zoning out again. (Listening to Welcome to Night Vale). So. Goodnight, all. Kindly do not judge me or my life. Kindly remember I only come here when I’m upset or emotions run high for one reason or another. It is not a full and balanced view of my life. Etc etc. Goodnight, all.