FREEWRITE

There’s got to be something.
My psychiatrist isn’t sure if I’m a bit depressed and need medical adjustment, or if it’s situational, what with the massive life changes I’m making and what not.
At this moment, I think my uncle is mad at me. I haven’t been staying in contact with him lately.

I’m staying in contact with my mom and my bf. That’s all, as of right now. It takes it all out of me, to keep up that much.

I’m staying caught up in school. Maybe too well. Not that I’m getting A’s, but I’m really staying caught up with homeworks and stuff. I’m putting everything into it. I’m often up until 11pm with homeworks and whatnot.

I’m irritable. I’m cranky. My eyes burn holes in things around me sometimes. I think I’d like to scream. Or eat less or exercise more, because I’m definitely spending so much money on food. I’m too tired to cook much right now, and am eating out A. LOT. It makes me hate myself a little bit. Because it’s SO wasteful. SO wasteful. And then I just feel bad about myself and my spending and I’m not exercising enough, and it all comes out as this yuck feeling toward everything around me.

So I’m cranky. And there are medical things I need to catch up on. Like my doctor referred me to a gynocologist because of those abnormal cells on a PAP and now a touch of irregular bleeding, but I just haven’t gotten around to making the appointment.

It’s all too much for me right now. I’m exhausted in the sense that I just don’t have the energy to do anything else, or start anything else, or research anything else, or look up names of doctors or see if they’re in my new health insurance’s network or anything. It’s too bloody much!

There are things I want to do, but after class, I’m done. I’m toast. I just want to crawl home and once I’m home, I’m okay again. I can set up my computer and my books or whatever and get to studying again. But I can’t think about traveling or visiting my uncle or my brother. I can’t think of going to work, out in that other city. I can’t volunteer or go to a beach or a go on a hike or hardly even a walk!!!!!!! My bike is neglected. Everything in my life outside of schoolwork and house chores is neglected right now.

I want that to change. I want to DO things again, I want to have some drive and energy. I still have the desire, so I know I’m not seriously depressed yet. But oh my god it is going to get close. You know??? I want to volunteer at an animal shelter. I want to spend time with dogs.

Do I want to keep living here?

  • WHAT IF DECEMBER COMES AND WE STAY HERE AND ROOMMATE MOVES OUT SO THE TWO PET RULE IS NO LONGER HIT; WILL BF BE OKAY WITH ME GETTING A DOG?
  • IF NOT, THEN I …?
  • IF I DO GET TO VISIT HOME, AS I AM CONSIDERING DOING AT AN UNDISCLOSED TIME PERIOD, WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY PONY????? DO I WANT TO SELL HER??? MUST I SELL HER???
  • FINANCIALLY SPEAKING, YES. YES, I MUST SELL HER.
  • WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY CAR?
  • I HAVE SENTIMENTAL ATTACHMENT TO MY CAR. MY PARENTS PICKED THE CAR AND MY DAD AND I PICKED THE COLOR. HE LIKES THE CAR. MY MOM LIKED ME HAVING THAT CAR. I’LL MISS THAT CAR. I HAVE A LOT OF MEMORIES OF THAT CAR.
  • THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING DIFFICULTIES AROUND HERE ARE MAKING THINGS VERY HARD. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THEM.
  • I HAVE BEEN MANAGING ALL RIGHT WITH THE SCHOOLWORK BUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
  • I NEED HELP.

My psychiatrist helped me to compile a “short list” of some of the doctor appointments I need to schedule, and gave me a one-week time frame in which to accomplish the calls. I am thankful; I hope I will make the calls soon. Tomorrow, actually. I would like to make the calls tomorrow. Perhaps I can do that around lunch time… which will hopefully not overlap with the offices’ lunch times.

School is going well and I even have a couple of acquaintances from the classes. There are several people who are in more than one of my classes, so that is fun. I love getting to chat with familiar faces there.

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2 thoughts on “FREEWRITE

  1. That you are keeping up with homework, even with all the reading/writing difficulties you have described, is admirable. Well done Dragon! But yes, you do have a gazillion other practical things.
    Perhaps you could trade out the shrink time one week for dealing with the pap smear? Budget a couple hours each week for medical stuff, and alternate, shrink and others?
    My thought on Pony vs Car sale. If your parents are able to store the car for you somewhere off the road for free, it would be a lot more economical to keep the car for awhile as it doesn’t take regular maintenance, you could put it on Planned Non-operation. The pony would suffer more from being ignored for six months, you would likely save more from the pony sale, and it might be less pressure to just think about concentrating on one thing on the home-trip rather than overwhelming yourself with both.
    I know you love dogs, I can hear that in your voice in several posts, but with all your other things going on, and things getting missed because of them, it might not be the best time to add the responsibility of a dog, at least not until your life is a little less time-crowded. Give yourself time to breathe first…..(and occasional dog sitting to fill that canine shaped void in your life for now).

    Liked by 1 person

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