FREEWRITE

There’s got to be something.
My psychiatrist isn’t sure if I’m a bit depressed and need medical adjustment, or if it’s situational, what with the massive life changes I’m making and what not.
At this moment, I think my uncle is mad at me. I haven’t been staying in contact with him lately.

I’m staying in contact with my mom and my bf. That’s all, as of right now. It takes it all out of me, to keep up that much.

I’m staying caught up in school. Maybe too well. Not that I’m getting A’s, but I’m really staying caught up with homeworks and stuff. I’m putting everything into it. I’m often up until 11pm with homeworks and whatnot.

I’m irritable. I’m cranky. My eyes burn holes in things around me sometimes. I think I’d like to scream. Or eat less or exercise more, because I’m definitely spending so much money on food. I’m too tired to cook much right now, and am eating out A. LOT. It makes me hate myself a little bit. Because it’s SO wasteful. SO wasteful. And then I just feel bad about myself and my spending and I’m not exercising enough, and it all comes out as this yuck feeling toward everything around me.

So I’m cranky. And there are medical things I need to catch up on. Like my doctor referred me to a gynocologist because of those abnormal cells on a PAP and now a touch of irregular bleeding, but I just haven’t gotten around to making the appointment.

It’s all too much for me right now. I’m exhausted in the sense that I just don’t have the energy to do anything else, or start anything else, or research anything else, or look up names of doctors or see if they’re in my new health insurance’s network or anything. It’s too bloody much!

There are things I want to do, but after class, I’m done. I’m toast. I just want to crawl home and once I’m home, I’m okay again. I can set up my computer and my books or whatever and get to studying again. But I can’t think about traveling or visiting my uncle or my brother. I can’t think of going to work, out in that other city. I can’t volunteer or go to a beach or a go on a hike or hardly even a walk!!!!!!! My bike is neglected. Everything in my life outside of schoolwork and house chores is neglected right now.

I want that to change. I want to DO things again, I want to have some drive and energy. I still have the desire, so I know I’m not seriously depressed yet. But oh my god it is going to get close. You know??? I want to volunteer at an animal shelter. I want to spend time with dogs.

Do I want to keep living here?

  • WHAT IF DECEMBER COMES AND WE STAY HERE AND ROOMMATE MOVES OUT SO THE TWO PET RULE IS NO LONGER HIT; WILL BF BE OKAY WITH ME GETTING A DOG?
  • IF NOT, THEN I …?
  • IF I DO GET TO VISIT HOME, AS I AM CONSIDERING DOING AT AN UNDISCLOSED TIME PERIOD, WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY PONY????? DO I WANT TO SELL HER??? MUST I SELL HER???
  • FINANCIALLY SPEAKING, YES. YES, I MUST SELL HER.
  • WILL I USE THE TIME TO SELL MY CAR?
  • I HAVE SENTIMENTAL ATTACHMENT TO MY CAR. MY PARENTS PICKED THE CAR AND MY DAD AND I PICKED THE COLOR. HE LIKES THE CAR. MY MOM LIKED ME HAVING THAT CAR. I’LL MISS THAT CAR. I HAVE A LOT OF MEMORIES OF THAT CAR.
  • THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING DIFFICULTIES AROUND HERE ARE MAKING THINGS VERY HARD. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS THEM.
  • I HAVE BEEN MANAGING ALL RIGHT WITH THE SCHOOLWORK BUT EVERYTHING ELSE.
  • I NEED HELP.

My psychiatrist helped me to compile a “short list” of some of the doctor appointments I need to schedule, and gave me a one-week time frame in which to accomplish the calls. I am thankful; I hope I will make the calls soon. Tomorrow, actually. I would like to make the calls tomorrow. Perhaps I can do that around lunch time… which will hopefully not overlap with the offices’ lunch times.

School is going well and I even have a couple of acquaintances from the classes. There are several people who are in more than one of my classes, so that is fun. I love getting to chat with familiar faces there.

Poem: Out of time for self

It’s hopeless to compete against you.
I’ve lost my nitch.
Where I belong.

I’m doing well, I’m busy, I’m succeeding.

But where’s the “me” in this?
Do I make time to write? Or photograph (yes)? Draw? Paint? Read? Play music for fun?

It’s been years and the walls are white.
My smile has faded.
Or is fake.

My friends are far away and non-existant.
My folks and my pets live in a bubble too far for me to reach
And surrounded by a field of thorns too thick to breach.

I’m low on energy. I’m low on tolerance. I’m low on income and high on output.

Poem: Speak up

Words elude me
When it’s most important
There is nothing to say
When I must say something.

You do not speak for me
And I must speak for myself
And stand tall
And don’t waiver.

It would be nice to know
My own mind
My own strengths
My own goals.

It would be nice to accomplish
What I want to accomplish
Which is what?

No words. No idea. Just the vague,
Foggy knowledge.
When something is wrong and it’s my turn and the ball’s in my court.

It’s my moment. The spotlight’s on me.
How will I use this next moment…?

Sep 12 – Sep 18 (Sat – Fri): School days, caught a cold

Hi again, all. I have nothing too terribly eventful or new to report. Which makes me rather happy. I love the status quo. I’ll go through these days quickly:

Flower with rain droplets

Flower with rain droplets

Sep 12, Sat: Lazy day? and some schoolwork. Practiced piano for a few minutes.

Sep 13, Sun: Lazy day, then walked 2.5 miles to celebrate Rosh Hashanah 2015 with Peter’s folks.

Sep 14, M: School; then rushed to grocery store for ingredients, and then COOKED for about 4.5 hours!!! It wasn’t supposed to take that long! Silly recipe claimed 10 min prep time, 20 min cook time. HA. When Peter came home from work, he didn’t even get to take off his shoes– he came in and helped too! But in the end, we had a HUGE pot of really yummy curry (I made enough for 8 servings), and we ended up getting to eat it the rest of the week, so yay!!! Also on this day, my folks were in a bad bicycle crash but are okay. And my mom sent me a picture of her and my dog that is completely adorable.

Sep 15, T: School, worked from home; Is this the evening that Peter and I practiced some music together?

Sep 16, W: School; Caught a head-cold

Sep 17, R: School, then went home and SLEPT UNTIL DINNER TIME, and then went back to sleep!!!!! I am fighting a still-mild head cold!

Sep 18, F: Went to work, got caught up on a bunch of small tasks. Now am waiting to hear from someone if I am needed for dog-sitting tonight thru this weekend or not.

Additional

  • We joked that putting together the wardrobe would be a good test of how we handle frustration or whatever in the relationship. 😉 It went fine, though. Actually, it was fun.
  • Food got spilled on my cookbook. Then a cat ate the corner off of it.
  • I like school.
  • My mom is happy that I’m happy with school and doing well so far.
  • My mom just accepted a new job. Her old one was not renewed.
  • She has even sent me two ‘care packages’! ❤
  • I tested INFP in 10th grade!!! I test ISFP by 12th, ISFJ after college, then back to ISFP, which is where I tend to test nowadays.
  • Got hangers for my wardrobe
  • SOON to pick up all of my belongings from my uncle’s house and move them to ‘my’ apartment
  • Ironically, my biggest anxiety is that my anxiety is going to be what ruins the relationship. Try stopping THAT anxiety!
  • My mom’s sending me cute pictures of my dog ❤
  • Practiced a little bit of recorder and little bit of piano last night.
  • Somewhere in there, I had what may or may not be my last appointment with my therapist. I don’t really know what’s going on in that department yet and haven’t had the time or focus to think about it. But it seemed like a final appointment. I hadn’t been sharing much for the past month or so. I don’t know what happened. I kind of do but kind of not entirely.