UPDATE!!!!!!!!!! For the rest of Thursday:
To finish writing about the end of [Thursday], it was hard to get out of my mood. Peter and I were okay, but my mood was sketchy. At one point, I don’t recall how, horses got brought up. Horses, marriage, poverty, horses on the property, horse smell in the house. Whatever it was. He said he definitely didn’t want that if I do, then *shrugs* and a “…” trailing off.
Dear reader, first of all, we’re not actually talking marriage. Sometimes I do go overboard in forecasting, however, to prevent future problems. I want to know NOW if this has no long-term potential. So sometimes we do scope out, “if we were married…” Which isn’t reality, since he doesn’t want to get married first of all, and second of all I don’t want to get married again for another decade. So the whole thing is an exercise in theorizing and projecting and silliness.
BUT since it was yesterday (emotions still off), and he spelled out in black and white that if my personal dream is to have horses on my property, then he is not the one for me, all I could find myself saying out loud was, “Why do they spread these lies to children?” I could’t explain the rest out loud. I timidly said I needed to be right back. I slipped away down the stairs to the bathroom and cried and cried.
Dear reader, these are dreams I had to give up with my ex already. These are dreams I haven’t been considering as of late. I AM mad at what people teach children. I am. They teach children to dream and come up with all of these ideas and plans for a future life and then you get devastated time and again in the real world of adulthood. Most of you CAN’T ACTUALLY BECOME AN ASTRONAUGHT. You can’t. It was a lie. So many dreams can’t actually happen in reality. You have to deal with the fallout of crushed dreams.
Horses is both possible and impossible. It’s possible and doable for me personally. But financially, I want the money more. I’ve been considering lately to sell my horse back to previous owner, as much as I do not want to do that. But reality? Am I going to bring her down to me? Am I going to go back onto allergy shots? Am I going to make the time throughout every single week to go out to the distant barn and visit her and exercise her? No. I’m not. It’s very hard to attend a distant barn; I know this from experience. I would have to lease her to others anyway, to exercise her for me.
But it was still crushing to hear again to my face. Peter or a horse. Does that sound familiar? It wouldn’t to you guys; I haven’t talked about my ex life too much. It brought me to my knees and crying and thinking about my grandma and thinking about her husband and their lives together. Life in general. Dreams. Death. If I die tomorrow, would I care if I had a horse on my property or not? Lies told to generations of children. Priorities.
It all comes down to: What are my priorities. What are they. What has changed. What could change. What will remain stable? What priorities can I count on?
Anyway, I came back up and he could tell I’d been crying and he was so very sorry for having said something hurtful. I dismissed it by saying I was just being irrationally emotional. He said maybe I wasn’t and he’d actually said something hurtful.
I mentioned the horse poverty thing and reminded him that I have a horse. He knows that and knows I’ve been considering bringing her nearby me and was fine with that. I said what when married. He said we’d have to look at finances to see if we could afford it. (Again, remember that we’re not getting married! These are all meaningless what-if scenarios.) At long last, a non-black-and-white statement. Thank god.
Anyway, we had dinner. I fed the doggers (we’re dog-sitting right now). Listened to some music. We talked a little more. We re-affirmed that neither of us wants to break up with the other. I actually went to sleep feeling CONTENT AGAIN. Thank God. I SLEPT like a ROCK.
Just watch those lies you spread to children, parents. Okay? Don’t teach them to dream big, elaborate dreams. They’ll only get hurt time and time again. My own dreams from childhood are literally-speaking not realistic. Owning horses is realistic. Owning them in a cave on the side of a mountain where I’d care for them all winter long, however, is not physically possible. The amount of feces in the cave would become a health hazard, and the snow storms would cause them suffocation. I’m just saying.