Log: Jun 10 + 11 (Wed + Thu) Anxiety + Meltdown

Jun 10 (Wed): Work
Jun 11 (Thu): Work, go to uncle’s after work

Wednesday: Got up easily enough, although I’d had insomnia for much of the night. Got ready and left early with Peter. Showered but skipped breakfast, thinking I still had a muffin at work. Wrong. But I had brought 2 PBJs so I had one of those for breakfast.

Jeweled plant

Jeweled plant

HIGH ANXIETY LEVELS. This is the day my web registration was open for me to apply for the new college. At the same time, i had received many tasks for work, all time-important. So with high, high anxiety, my hands shaking much of the time, I did some work, then would try to figure out my class schedule again, then work, then scheduling, etc.

In the end, I did get everything I needed to get done for work. But I was only able to register for 3 of my classes successfully. One of them has an English requirement, so I have to submit paperwork for that. So I contacted both of my old schools and have official transcripts on the way out now, which isn’t needed, but I felt more comfortable doing it that way, so the new school has them on file and I will just have to make myself actually get a major so it wasn’t a waste of money.

Anyway, I did the matriculation paperwork (took forever). I had to prove my residency (took forever, but I have already heard back from them that I was accepted as a resident and thus get the MUCH MUCH MUCH cheaper tuition! YAY!!!).

I still haven’t submitted my matriculation paperwork because I think I’d better send a copy of my divorce certificate to them as well, seeing as one of my schools is going to send a transcript with my maiden name on it, and the other school will send my transcript with my previous married name on it. Oy. I hope they can figure it out.

But I want to get this done as soon as possible because the course I didn’t get to sign up for yet only has 1 timeslot that would work for my schedule, so if it fills up, I’ll have to rework every class again and try to get it to fit together. It took so much time. I won’t have a copy of my divorce paperwork until this evening, so I could then submit my matriculation paperwork tomorrow.

Okay. So HIGH ANXIETY. I can’t stress that enough. I almost had to take anxiety medicine but I try not to if I can survive without it.

The rest of the evening was okay for a while. After work, I went to a grocery store and picked up some groceries. When Peter got off work, he joined me there and we walked back together. Dinner was amazing, thanks to him. But then something happened.

Jeweled plant

Jeweled plant

He was contemplating companies for the sake of picking out more companies to invest in. He asked what companies I like as far as services and whatnot, just to try and get more names to think about. I mentioned an online site I used to buy my horse supplies from. I said I used to only trust that site and Amazon with my credit card information.

That led to him asking me how I feel about Amazon. I said I like them a lot because they send a fraction of money to the horse rescue I love so much (log in through Amazon Smile instead of regular Amazon to support whatever rescue/charity you want to support). So that got us on the topic of charities. I don’t know why he said it but he said he didn’t think he would ever donate to a horse rescue group. Something went off in my head. Alarm bells. Horror. Tragedy. I asked if he meant it like, -ever-, under no circumstance? I was like, sometimes when people have asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I ask them instead to put whatever money they’d have spent on a gift for me and send it to that equine rescue instead. I asked if he’d send them money if I asked him to as a b-day gift to me or something. He said no.

While he started to explain which are the charities he donates to regularly and supports, I found it hard to hear him. My entire body was faltering. The tears started to flow. By the time dinner was finished and we went back down to the room with the dishes (we’d eaten up on the roof), I had to take a minute away. I went to the unlit bedroom and just cried and cried and cried.

I came back to the kitchen to help with cleaning up but I still kept crying on and off. I finally talked about it, I said I had no idea that rescue was still so important to me. My horse has been there many years now. I cried more.

So what this tells me is a couple of things.

  1. It tells me that what I ate yesterday for breakfast and lunch was not sufficient and I did have a blood sugar episode. I only get super emotional when I’m having a blood sugar episode.
  2. But it also sends me up a red flag for this relationship. Do I wish to be in a long-term relationship with someone who would override my own request because of his own standard for worthy charities? Did I feel disrespected personally because my wishes wouldn’t be respected?

At least after I was finally able to say why I’d gotten so emotional, that the rescue meant so much to me still, he actually offered to use them next time he shops from Amazon. So that means it wasn’t a black-and-white never-ever statement after all, but it took a complete meltdown for him to relax the black-and-white of his original statement? Or was it the meltdown that then enabled me to verbalize how important it was to me, that I wasn’t joking around when I was asking those questions?

I don’t want him to use them for his Amazon; that wasn’t my point at all. I just want to know that if I ask something of a person, they will at least consider my request. A, “perhaps there could be a possibility of it at some unknown point in the future, depending on the situation,” would have satisfied me. A “No, never,” brought me to a screeching halt.

At the same time, I hadn’t heard from my mom all day, so I was worrying about my grandma out there. Signing up for school is freaking me out. I hadn’t had much sleep. I didn’t eat well.

So that was a rough night. He apologized if his words were hurtful for me. But my mood doesn’t bounce back quickly; I was too upset to fall asleep. (He asked why I wasn’t falling asleep, I said I think my right shoulder is too tense, I can’t get it to relax, and asked if he could pinch that muscle. He said that sounded painful and he didn’t want to torture me. He lightly ran his fingers over the spot, but I asked again if he could pinch the muscles there. He still didn’t want to, saying it sounded painful. He said he had a better idea, why don’t we go to sleep. He flipped over and fell asleep instantly. I got upset all over again; request denied! Major insomnia. I got up, did stretches to try and get the muscles to fricking relax. I had taken 1 mg of clonazepam when I’d first gone to bed but it did NO good at all, not one bit. I should have taken some pain medicine, but I did stretches instead. I finally read a book by the light of my cellphone screen, and eventually fell asleep. Mood Ranking: 2-4.5

Sky and clouds

Sky and clouds

Thursday: I don’t know what today will bring. It was a bad morning! When the early alarm went off, I think I was in a bit of a sleep-drug-haze and he decided to reset the alarm for a little bit more time. Then we got up, I didn’t shower, got dressed, and we made breakfast. Ate breakfast, had tea, then, while I thought he was packing (to be explained), I held back one of the cats so the shy cat would eat his breakfast. He’d gotten spooked and so the other cat was done eating already and he was not. Then I also brushed my teeth again. Meanwhile, I don’t know, maybe Peter was ready to go, I was ready but in la la land, just doing whatever. Turns out he was getting frustrated because he could tell we were close to being ready but we weren’t leaving and he wanted to catch a certain bus. He never said a time. We made it to the trains but knew he’d miss the bus he wanted. He said we needed to work on our morning routine. I said it would really help if he could tell me verbally what time he wants to leave the apartment in the morning. He says he tried that when we were first dating and it didn’t work. I pointed out that now I have a watch, and I believe it would work now. Don’t think he agreed. We said goodbye but it wasn’t done as closely as usual. Not sure if we even hugged, although we might have, which is okay because I’m in a mood and can’t connect emotionally right now. He rushed to the bus stop and he did catch the next bus, not too much later than the first, but then he wrote that he was sorry about getting frustrated, it was just the seeing time pass where we weren’t really heading out the door but seemed to be ready that was frustrating for him, it was like wasted time. It was okay that he caught the next bus. We’ll work on communicating better in the morning.

But fuck that. I have lived long enough. He doesn’t understand me and the executive function issues. He doesn’t. I can’t ask him to baby me through the morning. It’s time I either learn the skill to get myself out of the door in the morning without external stimulus, or I hire somebody. End Of Story. I can’t rely on him to let me know when to leave in the exact format I need the information. NOBODY ON THE ENTIRE, FRICKING PLANET HAS BEEN ABLE TO GIVE ME THE INFORMATION I NEED IN THE EXACT FORMAT THAT IS USEFUL FOR ME.

Nobody.

What I need is this:

  • When the alarm first goes off, I need to hear (AUDITORY) several things, in this order:
    • Mandatory: The upcoming activity “Work day”
    • Optional: What time the activity begin “Work starts at 9 a.m.”
    • Optional: What train I’m trying to catch “Train leaves at 8:32 a.m.”
    • Mandatory: When to leave the apartment “Leave apartment at 8:20 a.m.”
    • Mandatory: What time it is right now “It’s currently 7:30 a.m.”
    • Mandatory: How much time I have left before leaving “You have 50 minutes to get ready.”
  • As I get ready, I need again to have an audio that tells me what time I am planning to leave the apartment, what time it currently is, and how many minutes I have left (I cannot do mental math in the morning).
  • When it is within 5 minutes of being time to leave, I again need to have an audio that tells me that I have 5 minutes remaining to get out of the door.

So, today has been sad for me. I feel things slipping out of my hands. But I don’t need him and I’m not going to let myself need him. Maybe he and I break up. I still need to find an apartment near my new school, with different roommates if that’s the case. I’ll be okay. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 3

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Log: Jun 10 + 11 (Wed + Thu) Anxiety + Meltdown

  1. No one can be ready to leave at a time they were never told. I believe he withheld the time from you to make sure you would be late.
    My ex used to do that to me. He would be angry I made him late for the train. He never gave me a time.
    I assumed he wanted to stay with me at the hotel until check out time. He said nothing at the hotel.
    Scolded me at the train station when we were “late”. Left me in the car, while he ate breakfast in the diner.

    I took him back to the train station. He said “This can ever happen again”

    He owns his own company. He had no reason to be bsck at any particular time. The forty five minutes could not have made a difference.

    He said ” I cannot leave my employees unnattended. They do not work when I am not there”

    Yet he took several trips out of town to look at properties and went days without even calling to check up on his employees.

    Once these games start they get worse. They cause you emotional upset and then step bsck in to comfort you for ” being such an oversensitive person” that you got upset.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s