Bummed. Looking up executive function reading material to share with others

I wonder if this book is any good?

http://www.drthomasebrown.com/booksbydrbrown/new-understanding-of-adhd-in-children-and-adults/

I wish desperately that I had some good material on executive function that would at least help me explain to people around me why I behave how I behave sometimes. I’m still very disturbed about having frustrated Peter this morning. But when discussing it briefly at the train station, he didn’t seem to understand/accept when I mentioned that it’s hard for me to feel urgency to leave without external stimulus. I just imagine that it could only help things if I could send him reading material about it. If he can’t understand it, then he can’t understand me, and that would be a pretty sad problem.

Here’s something else: http://www.drthomasebrown.com/pdfs/Executive_Functions_by_Thomas_Brown.pdf

Here’s something: http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-lack-of-executive-functioning-may.html

This looks good: http://musingsofanaspie.com/executive-function-series/

Along with: http://musingsofanaspie.com/2014/01/07/executive-function-primer-part-1/

I just wish. I wish wish wish. Why do I always feel like the people in my life don’t believe me? Like I have to fricking prove myself to others. I’ve been alive with myself for over 3 decades. I think I’d know by now, you know? I wasn’t born yesterday. I didn’t just decide this on a whim, that this is why I have some problems timing my morning routine. Or buying ingredients but then not having a clue what to do with any of them.

Just. Whatever. I am so tired of feeling misunderstood and disbelieved. It’s disrespectful. Why would I want someone in my life who disbelieves me? Why do I have to feel compelled to show documentation in order to explain that some of my behaviors follow such & such pattern and that’s what I’m trying to figure out the work-arounds for? But I know a life without that aspect being believed. I know it already and that’s a failed life. I won’t do that.

I’ll continue working to improve my morning routine (I’ve succeeded an amazing number of times now — but you have no idea how amazing it is. My mom knows, though. Even my uncle knows). I’ve been doing really well. I even did fairly well this morning at getting ready quickly, with the exception of deciding to have breakfast, and even then I don’t think I took too long over eating. It must have been when I was trying to prevent one cat from eating the other cat’s breakfast. That did take a while. Peter must have been waiting for me then. Regardless, it was the conversation afterward that is bothering me.

I want to be alone right now. Lick my wounds (I’m hyper sensitive and find that even just learning that someone was frustrated is very ouchy for me). Because I don’t ever want to make him late and I feel like if I had only KNOWN when he was trying to get out the door, I could have helped toward that goal. Instead I was in my own little world, which is my default state. And that, he didn’t seem to believe in — that my default state has no internal motivations. I have no sense of urgency without external stimulus. He didn’t believe that. How do I explain what I meant?

It takes too much energy and effort. I find that I’m tired. I accidentally slept for a while at my desk today! I can’t believe it. I might just go home right now. Nobody has asked me to do anything. I was going to vacuum but I could do it tomorrow instead.

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9 Comments

  1. Love is patient
    Love in kind
    Love is calm
    Love is sane
    Love is forgiving
    Love is understanding
    These are the things that you deserve from a relationship. You should not have to change yourself or go through great efforts to make yourself heard or understood.
    I asked you once a long while ago because I was concerned that this relationship was similar to one I had that ended up practically destroying my brain.
    The question I asked you was
    Was he idealizing you at the beginning and everything you did was great and now has he changes and is beginning to pick apart and criticize who you are?
    I might be wrong. I hope so, but just in case, please watch this video.

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  2. The thing that was the loudest narcissistic red flag here is that he was complaining that you did not “feel” the way he wanted you to about getting somewhere . It is not normal for someone to want to control how you feel about what you do or how you think about what you do. There have red flags many times in your posts.

    First they put you on a pedestal then they knock you off of it. You are the same person doing the same things but suddenly those behaviors are not good enough.

    He really “love bombed” you in the beginning, demanding all of your time be spent with him, even if it was very inconvenient for you and you had to ride your bike long distances to get to him and barely to get to the next thing you had to do for the day. This is unreasonable to expect of someone.

    I mentioned that thing to you once, to plant the seed, because you were not ready to hear more. I am taking a chance on you getting mad at me for saying this now. But I would rather you get mad and get this information then for me to care more about my feelings and keep the truth of what I see.

    I think you mental health is in danger from this relationship.

    Here is a couple of tests. Maybe I am just paranoid. Time will tell.
    1. If he is a malignant narcissist then he has now knocked you off the pedestal and you are in the devaluation stage. (You can look up “love bombing” “idealization phase” and “devaluation phase”
    The next thing that would be coming is that he will emotionally retaliate when you do not do what he wants, say what he wants , agree with him without question. think what he wants and feel what he wants/
    This emotional retaliation will be in the form of silent treatment., withholding sex, withholding affection, making you feel that the relationship is threatened over little things you “do wrong”

    2. Gaslighting – When you try to discuss things he will deny that took place, deny he said them, tell you that your memory is bad, tell you that you are TOO SENSITIVE and you overreact to everything.

    3. In the idealization phase he expected you to be together all the time. He told you that this is critical to your relationship and that people must prioritize the relationship for it to be strong and continue.

    He will begin pulling away soon. He will call you 3 hours later than he told you and act like it is no big deal. He will tell you that you are too clingy and that he cannot revolve his life around you.

    4. Triangulating
    There will be a third person, that is inappropriate to be prioritized by him, suddenly pulled into the relationship. You will be compared them and forced to feel like you have to compete with them for his time.
    He will suddenly get things from this other person that he once told you that YOU were the only person in the world that he could trust for that.
    He used to tell you that you were the main light in his life and suddenly someone else is filling those needs for him

    5. If these things happen, remember what I told you. YOU have not done anything wrong. You have not failed to be a good partner. You have been a caring, devoted, loving partner.

    The narcissist picks the kindest, most empathetic, most compassionate people…and then intentionally, through tactics they have used dozens of times on dozens of other women,,,,destroys you.

    I sound like a buzz kill. Please be careful and watch for things. It might keep you from losing everything…your time. your money, your job, your friends and your mental health as it is.

    Love,
    Annie

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    • And will watch for more of feeling too hard to explain things to him about me/not accepted as is/ I wouldn’t like that.

      But for now, I am still getting more out of the relationship than is being taken, I am still in this, but I do wonder that it will not be long-long-term. I don’t know.

      He never was mad or said anything bad to me. I make other people late all the time and if one more he felt a hint of frustration, the only reason I even knew it was because he wrote me a text apologizing for having gotten frustrated. He wasn’t demeaning me. He hadn’t sounded frustrated when he’s said we need to work on our morning schedule.

      But. We’ll see. I’ll keep in mind

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    • Hi again, Annie,
      I have been thinking. At first, your comments alarmed me. Then I felt very high anxiety for a while. But have been thinking. I had someone plant a seed of doubt in me for my relationship with my ex, and the seed never went away and I ended up divorcing him eventually.

      But this seed, I can say with confidence doesn’t fit the bill. It doesn’t describe him. But I can see why my writings might have shown him in that light. He might end up not being perfect for me, but he’s definitely, definitely not what you have described here.

      But I feel a need to explain more here, too. I want to address it.

      First, these were emotional days for me for many reasons. My grandma is dying. I’m signing up to be a full-time student which alone drove my anxiety sky high. And I still haven’t alerted my uncle/boss about it, which is bad. Also, I lost my insurance out of the blue and am pretty much fighting off panic at every second because of it. It’s in “appeals” right now.

      I have a lifetime history of making people late and sometimes what I say here reflects old stories from my past mixed in with how I feel about the present. When I described the situation with a morning, Peter was not outwardly upset with me at all. I berated myself for having made him late. In truth, he says he wasn’t late, just had felt some frustration during the sudden lull of momentum when we were basically ready to leave but not leaving. My mom would have gone crazy and made threats to leave without me, panicked, tried everything to get me out the door in that same situation. Peter just waited for me to finish whatever I was doing and then at the trains, said calmly that we needed to work on our morning routine. Which is when I realized I’d delayed him, asked him to always tell me the time, he said he’d tried that when we were first dating, I said I have a watch now and it should work now (I am oblivious to time passing). I said I had no internal motivation of my own and rely on the external stimulus, he said he didn’t feel like that was true, he thinks I have some internal motivation. I came on here and wrote this post about not being believed and such. That was all based on a single statement of his — which was even said from an “I” statement on his part — “I don’t feel like that’s the case. I think you have internal motivation.” At which point I think I said I felt like he and I were referring to different types of motivation. Then when we were each on our own separate train, he texted me an apology for having gotten frustrated. I was still freaking, so I said it was all my fault and I would do better and set alarms and make a set time for myself every morning. He said back that he didn’t think that was necessary, that he and I just need to talk about it [the time we plan to leave in the morning] more.

      But I decided in my head that I wasn’t going to delay him ever again, wrote these posts about how I was going to set all these different alarms and such and be responsible for my own self getting ready in a timely way in the morning, etc. That wasn’t at all because HE made me feel bad. It’s because of a story I have repeating in my head from my entire past, about how I make everyone late, how I’m not responsible or trustworthy, how I can’t hold down a job, how I fail every morning, etc. That wasn’t from him at all.

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    • For the going to see him at long distances, it never occurred to me that it could come across that he is demanding me to visit him. He would never, ever, ever demand me to see him. That’s not him at all. When I travel to him, I’m excited. It’s an adventure. I’m proud of myself for navigating public transit and getting myself to go places. It’s a really strong positive for me.

      He was coming to me before but my aunt and uncle asked for no visitors during the work week. That is why I go to Peter’s place.

      I think of Peter as a cat. He is not demanding of attention in any way at all. If he and I have plans and I cancel to go hang out with someone else, male or female and for any reason, he’s completely fine with that. He’s exceedingly independent. If we broke up tomorrow, I feel like he’d think back fondly on our time together but also just shrug it off like, ‘that’s a life lesson,’ and keep going on with his life. He has an incredibly positive attitude toward life lessons.

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    • Now, the horse night was sad. Oh, both horse nights. The one when he indicated he had other charities he donates to and didn’t think he’d ever donate to a horse rescue but that he’s fine with me donating to them of course, and the one where he said clearly that he personally doesn’t want to live on a property with horses.

      That was devastating for me because I must have just assumed he could read my mind and know that I want to live on a property with a miniature horse someday, but I’d never actually said that out loud. But I could keep my horse at boarding barn so long as it’s affordable. I think that’s fair to be stated. I wouldn’t want to live on a cow farm, so if that’s his dream, our future might involve separate living facilities.

      But still never was anything said in a demeaning way or like my opinions didn’t matter. I may have felt that at first about the charities — like how could he not consider donating to the horse rescue when it’s soooo important to me. But then he described the ones he donates to, and they’re pretty amazing. And he pointed out that I can donate all I want to the horse rescue. But yeah why would he not donate to them if I asked him to do that for my birthday present? That was weird. On the other hand, I’ve asked my brother to donate to the rescue for my birthday and he refused and thought it was a rude request. So I think there are different possible viewpoints on it.

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    • He inspires me.
      I’m motivated to do the schooling because of him. It was like this: I told Peter about my brilliant new idea for working for an animal rescue as an Accountant, since I’m too allergic to animals to work with them directly. So I was looking up Accounting courses online and whatnot, and Peter sent me some great links, too. Then one day, his mom said to me on one of our first meetings, “Oh, Peter says you’re going to be an Accountant[whatever the term]?” And me, “OH, I am thinking about taking some courses in it!”

      Me later, to myself: I’d better follow-through!

      Haha, hells yes! Impressing someone’s parents totally counts as motivation to apply for college admissions. I have wanted to go back to school for SO LONG but have been too chicken and hesitant. Now I finally have the motivation, and a lot of that is from external stimulus.

      Am I using him? Maybe a little! I really don’t want us to break up until I’m in the school and have some kind of schedule going! Not that I want us to break up at all, but if it’s going to happen, I hope I have more successes first! He helps me be successful, be it just the drive to get out of bed and make things happen, to the drive to learn new things, and read more, and even interact with others more. I’ve even kept up better with other people because I don’t want him to think I’m at all clingy or dependent or anything. So I have made sure to see other people, even if my inclination is to spend my time with him.

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  3. Hi Aniie,
    No offense taken, concern is appreciated. I do find a few red flags myself but not all of what you’ve written here. I’ll keep watching. But I wonder that you have mixed Peter with Joe. Peter never, ever, ever, ever demanded time or attention. Never, ever, ever, ever. I disagree about the love-bombing and don’t ever feel that I was on a pedestal for him. He’s extremely independent and I’m in no way needed. That was Joe.

    But I do worry about my feelings of inferiority because he’s so damn smart and understands things so much easier and faster than me.

    I will keep in mind, however, and watch the video. Thank you!

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    • I didn’t mean to malign Joe, either. But he’s the one who I felt much pressure for getting to places for and meeting with regularly. And could have had me on a pedestal but I’m not sure. He definitely liked me more than I think I deserved, considering I did end up hurting him some. But he wasn’t at all narcissistic. But did have tendencies toward controlling behaviors. But I still would have liked to have stayed friends with him, but my brother says that was only hurting him and wouldn’t have let him move on.

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