There is too much going on, too much going wrong, all at the same time. I can’t keep up. It’s so close, something’s going to snap, something’s going to happen. This is day 2 of having an urge to cut. I’m not going to to do it, I’m just really stressed out right now.
And these MOOD swings.
It’s funny, when I get angry, I wipe messages off my phone. Like, just take a person and wipe them. They aren’t even the person or thing I’m mad at. I just get less emotionally attached in general and it makes it easier for me to clean up my phone. Normally I hoard old messages because there are photos and stuff embedded into there that I’ll never get back and that’s really sad.
I have such a terrible stomach ache.
I lost my health insurance coverage today. It was carelessness on my part (if I had mailed (postmarked) the check YESTERDAY, I’d still be covered. I’ve missed it by ONE DAY), combined with one of my checks getting lost in the mail, which I didn’t know about. So I didn’t just lose it for this month. I lost it for last month. Last month I had a whole panel of dental x-rays, a cleaning, a primary care doctor visit, bloodwork, therapy, and a psychiatrist appointment.
Fuck that. I will pay for it all because I’ll have to, but that’s it. No more doctors, no more appointments.
I asked to go off of my antidepressants during my last psych appointment but she said she’d like to see me remain emotionally stable for a full year first. Well now there is not going to be the money for such nonsense.
I have an appointment for a state health insurance help person tomorrow. But I am
Wow, I just flipped out and deleted 4 GB of messages off my phone. That’s going to hurt later but not right now.
I want to give up on everything. I applied to a school today.
This lady was supposed to meet me today at 7 for something that would have been a hugely good thing but she can’t find anyone with a truck so she’s not going to. But I’d already told my uncle and everyone that it was happening today and now it’s not. Sucks.
Funny. I turned my phone off a bit ago and forgot it was off. I only want it on in case that lady changes her mind.
My mum video-chatted with me and my grandma was in the background. She seemed more mentally “aware” than I was lead to believe. Although also asleep 95% of the time we were talking, but when she was awake, her responses were related to the conversation.
Okay, now I’ve trimmed my finger nails. I’ve calmed down a bit. Very volatile inside. Like I’ve eaten wrong but I don’t think it’s just that, although I think I did. Nope, haven’t calmed down.
Kind of have the urge to go to Peter’s place and collect all my things and bring them back to my uncle’s. Want to clear out my office at work, too. My stuff is too spread. It’s not right. I need to get a handle on my belongings. They’re everywhere.
And I asked Peter a question I’m really ashamed of having asked. Maybe to him it wasn’t a big deal question, but I bet it was. It is for me anyway, although I asked out of desperation and held some hope for all the wrong reasons. So that’s most of why I’m upset right now. Blame him for being logical. Blame myself for allowing myself the tiny bit of hope about the topic. Knew all along the correct answer. Stupid. Frustrating. My own fault.
Tomorrow’s my last full day around here — the next day, I leave for my grandma’s. My aunt (different aunt) has asked me to help with organizing some things they moved out of my grandma’s old assisted living home and that can’t be brought to her new home, which I guess is a nursing home.
I’m not happy today; I am not pleased. This is not good. How am I supposed to pay for all of my May medical expenses? The mouth thing is just going to have to fuck off. I’ve been referred to an oral surgeon but that ain’t happening. Right now? I wouldn’t even care if it was life threatening and going to kill me in a few years. I think it’s safe to say I’m upset right now. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change when I calm the fuck down): 2.5