Log: Jun 23 – 29 (Tue – Mon) Grandma’s Death and a Bar Mitzvah

Jun 23 (Tue): @ Grandma’s
Jun 24 (Wed): @ Grandma’s
Jun 25 (Thu): @ Grandma’s
Jun 26 (Fri): Fly back from Grandma’s by 10a; Fly to Peter’s cousin’s place at night
Jun 27 (Sat): Peter’s cousin’s bar mitzvah
Jun 28 (Sun): Peter’s cousin’s place; Fly back home in afternoon
Jun 29 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Go to Uncle’s after work

Tue, Wed, Thu: With my grandma, my mom, two aunts, two uncles, and a cousin (briefly). I’m not posting TW’s because I think the title is clear: I was there again because my grandma was dying. I was there for my own sense of closure and saying goodbye as well as wanting to commiserate with my family and be of any support for them as possible. I suppose I won’t go into too much detail here but hospice was involved so we were able to help take away Grandma’s pain and take care of her there at my aunt’s house. My grandma was much more at peace there, and always surrounded by love. Some family issues came up; two siblings had a pretty severe blow-up and might not speak with each other for many years to come. Let me rewind. Also, my aunts and uncles helped me to pick out an outfit for the upcoming Bar Mitzvah, because I left all of my formal clothes back Home (with my parents and dog). I talked to my grandma or just sat near her, and each day I played some gentle piano music for her. She was in a state similar to a coma but not quite; she did respond in certain ways when we would talk to her and stroke her arm or forehead. Her eyes would blink although closed, and her mouth would close, and her breathing would steady a little. She could definitely hear us although there is no way of knowing what she could comprehend; the hospice nurses said her brain was also starting to shut down.

Fri: Left there in the morning, flew back here. Leaving there was hard. I did not want to leave. I would not have left but for the $600 plane ticket that Peter had already purchased for me. So I did decide to leave. I said my goodbyes to Grandma on Thursday night and reinforced them again on Friday morning before leaving. She’s been basically in a coma or maybe a morphine-induced fog, but there were things I wanted to say. So then I flew. Got back here, napped and packed for my flight with Peter and his dad for Peter’s cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. We left that night.

Sat: Arrived on Saturday morning. Met Peter’s paternal family. Everyone was nice. I rested a bit (hadn’t been able to sleep on the plane that night; my restless leg syndrome was being severe AND every time I started to nod off, I would jerk awake with horrible, horrible OCD intrusive thoughts). Then it was time to get dressed and ready for the Bar Mitzvah. It was really nice. I haven’t been to any before this, but I am sure it was a really nice one. The cousin’s speech was really interesting; I’d been afraid I wouldn’t be able to relate to it because I don’t know much about the religion, but he did a wonderful job and I felt very connected to what they were talking about. Of course, I didn’t know to expect a prayer/words for those mourning loved ones’ deaths near the end, so I cried and had no tissue for my snotty nose. Afterward, the reception/ceremony was pretty amazing. There was an open bar and catered food that was really good. There was mandatory dancing and I liked that. Then Peter and I danced to many of the rest of the songs anyway, although neither of us knows any dance moves. So we basically were just shuffling our feet in random ways, but it was fun. I hope a relative sends a picture so I can show my parents (pictures were allowed during this part). They’d LOVE to have seen it.

Sun: So, we left Sunday, early afternoon, after they had a bunch of family photos taken and more chatting and celebration. I got to talk with more, very nice relatives. Peter was asked to play piano for ambiance again. Then we had to leave. Flew back, said goodbye to Peter’s dad, dropped off our stuff at Peter’s place and went out to eat dinner. It was really good food. Then went to a store for a couple of supplies and that’s when my mom called me that my grandma had passed away.

She had been without food or water for a week already, and hardly eaten or drank for a long time before then. It hurts but at the same time, there was an element of relief for me. She died very peacefully, not like her husband, who struggled at the very end. My grandma’s breathing was becoming more infrequent and then at last she did not inhale again. She had waited until the family was back from a walk and they were all with her, and I’m glad for that. But it’s hard not to be there with them now. But I cannot go back right now; a coworker was getting anxious about my absence because of a large, important report that he needs me to print + bind shortly. I was hoping he’d give it to me today and then I could consider leaving again later in the week, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen today.

I had worried so long, SO, SO long, about how my mom would not be able to live on without her mom. I thought she’d be lost forever once her mom died. But it turns out, and so I think I needed to have been there and seen with my own eyes, my mom will pull through this. I saw it. She even helped with some of the night shift medicating. Reality turns into the New Norm and she is adjusting to it. I imagine it helped her too, to see Grandma during this stage of her decline. So there was this chance to see and to adjust and to live differently. I underestimated her. I guess we will all adjust to the New Norms as they happen, and I needn’t have worried so much for so many years. We deal. We handle it. We let our mental expectations change as the reality changes. We adapt.

Mon: I woke up in a pretty severe, serious mood. No joking, just taking everything very serious and saying very serious things. In contrast, I think Peter woke up in a light mood, and our conversation this morning was confusing and I’ve already written him for further clarification. I’m at work. I briefly saw my uncle. I’m going to go to his place after work today, and I’m going to watch a stupid movie with him (we’ve already planned it). He was one of the siblings involved in the blow-out and there are certain topics we’ll avoid discussing, but I’ll be glad to be with him. I talked with my mom for a while last night when she called to tell me the news about Grandma, and then I called my dad and talked with him for a while, although he and I mostly talked about my dog. I needed to talk with family. I texted with my brother some, too. ❤

UPDATE: I’ve been in a shitty, shitty mood all day today. I’ve just gone on a 2+ mile walk in the sun and I’m STILL in a shitty, shitty mood. That’s how bad it is.


Log: Jun 20 – 22 (Sat – Mon) Lots of rest

Jun 20 (Sat): Tree planting 9:00a – 2p; Nap + watch a DVD
Jun 21 (Sun): Spent time with Peter’s father, helped picked plums for homemade jam, sold another large item for my aunt + uncle
Jun 22 (Mon): Work 9:45a – 5:30p; Go to pharmacy; Go to aunt + uncle’s house / Fly to Grandma?

Saturday: Tree planting. I’m glad we went. Peter and I were on a team of four and together we planted six trees and removed the stakes from a bunch of other trees that no longer required them. (I didn’t help with that part, but Peter did.) The first location was interesting and the owners of the lot in front of this sidewalk, who had requested the trees be put in there, were very generous and offered us beverages and gave a tour of the house, which had previously been other establishments and was pretty interesting inside.

Afterward, I only meant to rest on the bed for 15 minutes but once someone joins me for a nap, all bets are off. We didn’t wake up until 11p, at which time I ate some food, I think we may have watched a DVD at this point, and then went back to sleep. Major woops as far as having a stable schedule, but apparently weneeded the sleep, because we were both out.

Plum jam creation!

Plum jam creation!

Sunday: We had a late breakfast with Peter’s dad, hung out chatting at his house, although I ended up falling asleep for a while (well, his dad had tried to make me coffee but he used soy milk that was in the fridge and turned out to have been expired for over a year). I tried it and amazingly, I did not get at all sick from my taste-test (but the trial did make me get up and look at and sniff the carton, which is when I saw the Best-By date, which was March of 2014). Heh.

Then Peter and I helped to pick plums from this amaaaazing tree his dad has. We barely scratched the surface of ripe plums on that tree, but we filled the entire bucket so called it good. Meanwhile, his dad was making jam out of the plums, and gave us a huge jar of it. It’s so amazing. Oh!!! And I saw my FIRST CHINESE CRESTED dog of this area!!! I’ve been looking for over a year, and finally, finally found one!!!!! So I got to talk with her owner for a bit and show a picture of my dog.

Then we all had a late lunch together, and then Peter and I had to rush to meet a potential buyer for a large sale item at my aunt + uncle’s house. The buyer was very friendly and we all chatted for a long while, as his little dog ran around the yard, sniffing everything. Afterward, Peter + I talked with my aunt + uncle for a while before going back home to his city, just in time for bed. And I was soo happy.

Monday: I was only about 3 minutes late leaving the apartment this morning, from the time we’d agreed upon leaving. Woot woot. That’s pretty damn good, for me. I still wish I didn’t have to wait to the last second to get that drive to actually move and gather things, but that’s how it’s always been. It takes an incredible amount of stress and pressure for me to actually organize my thoughts and remember the things I want to grab. I should try writing out more schedules for myself and try out new formats and such. Something will one day be effective for me, I am sure of it.

Anyway, meanwhile, I got an update about my maternal grandma. She is on the morphine regularly now, per doctor’s orders. They think she will die sooner than later at this point. All I can say is that when her husband went onto the morphine regularly like this, it marked one week before he died.

I am torn in several ways. I want to be there with my family. But I did already get to say goodbye to my grandma. I already have tickets for this weekend to go with Peter to his cousin’s bar mitzvah. He bought the tickets himself and they were $600 so I don’t want to poop out on him and his dad and I was pretty excited to get to fly out there and meet his family and stuff. On one hand, I could go to my grandma right now, today, and be there all week. Then leave for the weekend and come back afterward. There is no higher priority to me than my Family. Even if it cost me $1000 a trip, it would still be worth it to me, to be with Family during a time that, in my opinion and for me personally, offers a lot of closure and healing for something that is very painful. When her husband, my grandfather, died, the most wonderful part of the experience was afterward when a lot of family gathered informally in a room there at the hospice hospital, and spontaneously shared stories we remembered about him that meant a lot to us. And it brought me closer to those family members, too.

So I guess it is not that complex for me after all. I want to be there. Maybe I feel guilty to think I would only want to be there if she dies. So let’s think, if I am there for the rest of this week and she is still hanging on, I will have still kept her company in a painful time. I will have still offered bonding and support with the other members of my Family who are there.

I’m on the phone now. I’m definitely going. Looking for tickets right now. 3-Day Mood Ranking: 5

UPDATE I am leaving in a couple of hours. I’m sooooooooooo anxious now, because I’m not even going to get to say goodbye to Peter face-to-face and I’m not coming back until Friday morning, when I’ll see him after he gets off of work that day, and then we leave together for the weekend. I’m going to miss him so much. But I’ll be so glad to be with family once I get to my grandma’s. I’m out for now.


Jun 16 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p
Jun 17 (Wed): Work 9:30a – 5:30p
Jun 18 (Thu): Work 9:30a – 1:30p; Passport application appointment 2:30p
Jun 19 (Fri): Work 11:00a – 5:30p; Important sale

I’m behind on this logging thing. Let’s see what I remember. But I only have 4 minutes to type.

Tuesday: Therapy in the morning, then work. I forget the rest.
Wednesday: Work. Then, hmm. I know Peter + I started a movie online but didn’t finish it because it got too late.
Thursday: Hey hey, work, then made it to my passport application appointment and got everything turned in! I’d even printed myself a map weeks ago when I first set up the appointment! I was brilliant at some point. It all went very smoothly. Peter had taken the day off, and we met out there near where my appointment had been, and had lunch together. Then finished watching a movie online, and practiced music! I didn’t get my sweeping done because it got late.
Friday: I went on a detour before work this morning and had some fun that I can’t describe because it’s location-specific. I walked over 9000 steps before 11a! Then I finally made it to work. What a loooooong day. Nobody is here at the office today and I am feeling very weird, ungrounded, gray, floaty, weak, etc. All that happens when I have a day completely alone. Hate that.

But I’m now on my way to my aunt and uncle’s house, where I am selling a very expensive item (of my uncle’s) via the Internet to someone who seems very nice over email & phone. I’m excited about that. The person is going to restore it and use it, and even promised to send me pics of the products he ends up making with it. Pretty cool.

Got to run, I can’t be late to this. It’s nearly $1000 I’d lose my uncle. Mood for this entire week: 4.7 – 5.4 (it’s been a good week, in spite of some ongoing anxiety because my insurance STILL has me in the appeals process and the month is coming to a close, and I also haven’t heard back about my matriculation paperwork for school! Gah. And some family things. Grandma was just started on morphine, which my entire family on that side takes to mean she is in the final stages of life now. That is shortly before her husband died, he’d had to go onto the extreme pain killers and lose his lucidity to them.)


Just some more boring ol’ to-do lists because my anxiety is off scale:


  • Once my matriculation and waiver paperwork are accepted: Register for missing course
  • Once registered for all courses:
    • write boss letter for quitting
    • pay tuition
    • rent / locate textbooks
  • Additional: Does this school have disability services / can I get permission to audio-record all lectures? Can I get a notetaker? Can I have textbooks turned to robot audio voice? Do I need current therapist to write a letter to them, if so?


  • Once I receive termination letter, immediately apply for state insurance
  • If “appeals” process rejects me, contact ex’s employer and have them contact insurance’s manager and insist I should be on insurance still
  • Look up this school’s student insurance


  • Return pony to previous owner?
    • Holy crap, I just located a horse stable right along the beach where the board is cheaper than I used to pay (although more than most places around here, and certainly more than I’ve been paying my friend all year). But it would be financially feasible to bring her here if I found a trustworthy person to co-own or part-lease her from me. Ride for hours along the beach, anyone?? Yeah. For real. Temptation. Much food for thought.
    • No, still the same issues. Time and distance and time. And the reality of me traveling frequently to a distant barn. There’s no way.
  • Sell my car?
  • Books? Drawing? Voice? Piano? Guitar? Soooo many possibilities
  • Exercise / working out
  • Would this job keep me for 1 day a week?
  • Would I get a campus job?
  • Would I get a different, very part-time job?

Log: Jun 13 – 15 (Sat – Mon) Busy

Jun 13 (Sat): Tree planting 9a; Chores; Walking
Jun 14 (Sun): Visit Peter’s folks; Watch the basketball game with my brother
Jun 15 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Uncle’s house after work

Fun with new sketch pad and phone app

Fun with new sketch pad and phone app

I don’t remember Saturday very well. Peter and I walked A LOT (hit 20,000 steps!), but I think the day was mostly about errands. And more specifically, getting my medicines. I had left some at Peter’s place and one was at a pharmacy. We were dog-sitting. Also going to sell an item to someone but she flaked, so that involved some rushing around trying to get places at certain times.

Sunday is easier to remember. We went to Peter’s folks’ place for breakfast and must have been there for a while. Went to an Art supply store and got me the eraser I’ve been wanting, and ended up getting an awesome pencil, a cheapo pencil holder, and a small sketch pad for me, too. Exciting.

Then we had to be back to meet this lady for an item sale again, and this time she did show and paid for the item although she won’t pick it up until a few more days from now. Peter and I made a dinner — I mistakenly thought my brother was joking when he told me he was on a hunger strike. So I assumed he was going to eat dinner with us while watching the basketball game. But it was fun anyway, and more food for me and Peter. We did some sausage and Brussels sprouts, some leftover brown rice, and something else I’m forgetting. Huh. Avocado. Wasn’t there something else? Oh well.

A commercial came on the TV during the game that I thought was so funny, I had a laugh attack. I couldn’t stop. My eyes were watering like crazy, I laughed so hard. We all laughed. I think my brother and I bonded over the horribleness of the commercial and how much it made us NOT want the product. I’m going to keep referencing it with him until it gets very old.

Monday: I’m still trying to be more careful about my morning routine, and it’s a good thing! I had a watch alarm set for “10 minutes until leaving apartment” and that’s what woke us up this morning!! Whoops. Haha. We either slept through his alarm clock or he didn’t set it. So we got up then. I showered and everything (which is still really damn amazing, for me). I had time to drink some tea and eat some bacon he had made, but the rest of breakfast, I took with me.

The rest of Monday is To be continued…

3-Day Mood Ranking: 4.5 – 5.5 (I’m feeling better emotionally again)

Log: Jun 12 (Fri) Work; movie at home

Jun 12 (Fri): Work 9a – 5:30p; Make and eat dinner; Watch Pacific Rim (inside joke)

Clouds in the sky

Clouds in the sky

This morning went well. We had pre-determined what time to leave and such. I had all of my alarms set for different intervals. It worked for me. I had my clothes for the day set out. I skipped showering again. I fed the doglings, he showered and made breakfast, I got my lunch packed. We walked hurriedly to the train on this end of things (we’re dog-sitting).

My mood is stable so far today. THANK GOD[].

I have already heard back from my new school — they accepted my state residency proof! Yay! Now tuition is immensely affordable. This is the cheapest school I’ve ever seen in my life. Today, I submitted all of my matriculation and some waiver forms for classes I’ve already taken. Once that is all cleared, I’ll be able to sign up for the one class of all of them that I NEED to register for and am currently blocked from due to its English prerequisite.

Anyway. Mood Today (so far): 4.5, 5

Continued Log: Jun 11 (Thu) Smoothing through rough evening

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!! For the rest of Thursday:

Beloved pets

Beloved pets

To finish writing about the end of [Thursday], it was hard to get out of my mood. Peter and I were okay, but my mood was sketchy. At one point, I don’t recall how, horses got brought up. Horses, marriage, poverty, horses on the property, horse smell in the house. Whatever it was. He said he definitely didn’t want that if I do, then *shrugs* and a “…” trailing off.

Dear reader, first of all, we’re not actually talking marriage. Sometimes I do go overboard in forecasting, however, to prevent future problems. I want to know NOW if this has no long-term potential. So sometimes we do scope out, “if we were married…” Which isn’t reality, since he doesn’t want to get married first of all, and second of all I don’t want to get married again for another decade. So the whole thing is an exercise in theorizing and projecting and silliness.

BUT since it was yesterday (emotions still off), and he spelled out in black and white that if my personal dream is to have horses on my property, then he is not the one for me, all I could find myself saying out loud was, “Why do they spread these lies to children?” I could’t explain the rest out loud. I timidly said I needed to be right back. I slipped away down the stairs to the bathroom and cried and cried.

Dear reader, these are dreams I had to give up with my ex already. These are dreams I haven’t been considering as of late. I AM mad at what people teach children. I am. They teach children to dream and come up with all of these ideas and plans for a future life and then you get devastated time and again in the real world of adulthood. Most of you CAN’T ACTUALLY BECOME AN ASTRONAUGHT. You can’t. It was a lie. So many dreams can’t actually happen in reality. You have to deal with the fallout of crushed dreams.

Equine Love

Equine Love

Horses is both possible and impossible. It’s possible and doable for me personally. But financially, I want the money more. I’ve been considering lately to sell my horse back to previous owner, as much as I do not want to do that. But reality? Am I going to bring her down to me? Am I going to go back onto allergy shots? Am I going to make the time throughout every single week to go out to the distant barn and visit her and exercise her? No. I’m not. It’s very hard to attend a distant barn; I know this from experience. I would have to lease her to others anyway, to exercise her for me.

But it was still crushing to hear again to my face. Peter or a horse. Does that sound familiar? It wouldn’t to you guys; I haven’t talked about my ex life too much. It brought me to my knees and crying and thinking about my grandma and thinking about her husband and their lives together. Life in general. Dreams. Death. If I die tomorrow, would I care if I had a horse on my property or not? Lies told to generations of children. Priorities.

It all comes down to: What are my priorities. What are they. What has changed. What could change. What will remain stable? What priorities can I count on?

Anyway, I came back up and he could tell I’d been crying and he was so very sorry for having said something hurtful. I dismissed it by saying I was just being irrationally emotional. He said maybe I wasn’t and he’d actually said something hurtful.

I mentioned the horse poverty thing and reminded him that I have a horse. He knows that and knows I’ve been considering bringing her nearby me and was fine with that. I said what when married. He said we’d have to look at finances to see if we could afford it. (Again, remember that we’re not getting married! These are all meaningless what-if scenarios.) At long last, a non-black-and-white statement. Thank god.

Anyway, we had dinner. I fed the doggers (we’re dog-sitting right now). Listened to some music. We talked a little more. We re-affirmed that neither of us wants to break up with the other. I actually went to sleep feeling CONTENT AGAIN. Thank God[]. I SLEPT like a ROCK.

Just watch those lies you spread to children, parents. Okay? Don’t teach them to dream big, elaborate dreams. They’ll only get hurt time and time again. My own dreams from childhood are literally-speaking not realistic. Owning horses is realistic. Owning them in a cave on the side of a mountain where I’d care for them all winter long, however, is not physically possible. The amount of feces in the cave would become a health hazard, and the snow storms would cause them suffocation. I’m just saying.