Log: May 25 (Mon) Tonight, I am a hypochondriac

May 25 (Mon): Unknown; Walk with my brother 2p

Grasses in the clouds

Grasses in the clouds

First of all, the morning was awful. Complete, complete nothingness. I roused out of my stupor enough to meet my brother — not exactly as planned. I had him come to me. I couldn’t make it out to him; I had faded away. I barely had a voice by the time he arrived and I was dissociating so any time I looked over and saw him, it was a really weird experience. I couldn’t tell you if it was from lack of social stimulation or if I had eaten poorly. I had eaten what I thought was an okay breakfast but I did skip lunch, mostly because I was in my nothingness trance. (At least in this nothingness trance, I did get a little studying done.)

He arrived with the ingredients I’d asked for. I made rice while he was driving over. We went on a walk. It was beautiful. Super windy and we were high enough to be in the clouds (I’m adding 2 pictures from today). It was really cool and we got along great!

We came back from the walk and I finished with the ingredients and we ALL had them! The (bulk-purchased) corn tortillas got heated up on the grill, my uncle made beef for folks, I had warmed up the beans and rewarmed up the rice, and cut up the lettuce, bell peppers, sweet onion, green onion, lime, avocado, my uncle set out the salsa. My brother warmed up the tortillas. I could be forgetting something but whatever, it was really good! Oh, I grated the cheese for folks.

I do still feel strange. It’s probably from the upset schedule; I tend to get weird on 3-day weekends anyway. It’s the off schedule. But getting out walking and stuff really helped.

So my hypochondria — that started when I ate dinner. I could feel the tingling all over the roof of my mouth. I don’t know what I’m reacting to, but this appeared to be timed in such a way as for this to be an allergy to something I ate or drank. Sure enough, the roof of my mouth is now covered in little red bumps.

But I don’t know. I can feel them in my throat, too. I looked back at my photos and finally sent them out to a dentist (I’ve been collecting odd mouth photos all month). He didn’t know what to make of them, either. One of them, from the start of May, is especially odd. But at least those white patches are gone now. I guess I should have gone to a doctor right away. I feel stupid for not having done that. My tonsils are still all red and my uvula is not the same as it was before. But I guess part of me figured if this was “something”, it would have shown up on my tongue biopsy I had really not that long ago. Nothing showed up on that biopsy except some abnormal, excessive keratin growth and some normal tongue bacteria that they left alone.

So I guess it’s because I can feel it in my throat, now that I think about it, but I’m totally stressed over this. It’s escalated from “surely it can’t be ‘something'” to “emergency” just like that. It’s been irritating my throat all month, on and off. I don’t know what it is. Should have seen a doctor. Will try to see one tomorrow. I see a dentist on June 2, but the dentist I sent pics to tonight didn’t recognize it, so I don’t hold a lot of hope. I’m worried it’ll be like the excess keratin and pass from one doctor to a dentist to an oral surgeon and then an extremely expensive biopsy. The biopsy was necessary, don’t get me wrong. I could never have stopped worrying about the weird growth on my tongue. But the fact that it took 3 different, expensive doctor visits to get the biopsy is what worries me. I want to go tomorrow and get this tested.

Trees in the clouds

Trees in the clouds

Where the hypochondria comes in is that I know without any doubt in me at all whatsoever that there is “something” very wrong in my body. I have no doubts. What I want right now is every test in the book. I want every possible blood test, every culture, every panel, every biopsy possible. I want this figured out. If only the pictures weren’t considered so gross, I would post them, and then you’d all understand what’s got me so freaked out. I went from a life time of perfect oral hygiene to this strange, never-ending state of always wondering, is something seriously wrong? / Is it contagious? / Is it curable? / Is it going to kill me? / Do I have a fever? <– still haven’t let myself purchase a thermometer. Not gonna. Always wonder.

So yeah. I’ll rein in my desire for all tests. But I’m certainly going to try and see a doctor tomorrow or ASAP. Tonight’s anxiety is all directed toward that, but isn’t it the case with hypochondria that sometimes the anxiety focus is on the body but really your anxiety could be stemming from something else? At least, that’s what I read once a long time ago. And if that’s the case, then the anxiety is DEFINITELY being made worse by the lack of schedule of these past 3 days. And that will aalllll get better tomorrow. Therapy in the morning and then work. I won’t go straight though — I have a lot to pack and won’t be able to organize it in time for therapy. So I’ll bike to therapy and then bike back, pack and THEN head to work. I’m bringing tons of food to work. It’ll go into a box that I’ll tape shut and then strap to my bike. But I’ll have to gather the food from literally two different refrigerators, two different freezers, and also the box of non-perishables that’s on my bed. It’s going to be tough.

Goodnight, all. Today’s Mood Ranking: 3.7-5

12 thoughts on “Log: May 25 (Mon) Tonight, I am a hypochondriac

  1. hi there, I’m just curious if you have worries about your health constantly, or just when you are stressed? For me I found those worries come when I am tense and stressed. Once I recognised that, I could see the hypochondria floating across my mind like a storm rolling in, and I observed how my mood changed and the scary thoughts would come. I’ve struggled with anxiety, panic and to some extent depression for my whole adult life, and probably most of my childhood too. I’m in therapy at the moment which has transformed my life. I guess the point of this is to let you know that you’re not alone, I know how it feels, how it can consume you. But it is not your life forever, you will get through it and you will live a life free of that worry. It doesn’t happen overnight but it will happen. I wish you all the best, and if you ever need someone to chat with I’d be more than happy to lend an ear. At one point I was seeing more than one doctor a day. It gets better

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, thank you so much. I think I have had phases of health worries.

      When I was a child, I had no worries.

      When I hit 8th grade and onward (to this very day), I became convinced that my heart will one day kill me. I still believe there is something wrong with it. Two years ago, I had a stress test + bubble test after a 24-hour monitor showed some unusual moments (like it would go faster than a sprinter for just a brief time). The bubble test showed a small hole but my doctor didn’t think much of it; it’s benign, I guess. And a small heart murmur, also benign. But I know there’s something off about it. Oh, I had also been having some really bad pain. That’s how I ended up with the 24-hour monitor in the first place. That was very unusual, though. The reason for that pain was never discovered, but in hindsight, it must have been stress. It is around the time I parted with one of my horses, and had her moved to the horse rescue in a different state. But I had denied it could be stress at the time, because I’d been under stresses before without it causing such chest pain. Oh, well.

      Where was I? Health issues by time.

      Got back from college and was CONVINCED there was something very wrong with me. Aside from the PTSD, depression, panic attacks, and non-stop dissociating. I felt my body was ‘tainted’. I was pretty sure I was going to grow cancer, like cancer would grow because of my fear and certainty that it would grow. I was sure I was going to cause it with my thoughts and feelings.

      Now my fear of STD/HIV is coming up time and time again because I had unprotected sex once like a year and a half ago. I’m certain something will show up from that. And all of this does seem awfully suspicious.

      But every time I exercise, I am certain my heart is off. I know it is. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. But I won’t get any more tests for it; the stress + bubble tests were a one-shot deal for me. My doctor thought it might be from low blood pressure during exercise anyway, not my heart itself.

      Thank you. I’m glad you have found ways to feel better!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I completely understand about still feeling that something isn’t quite right. I’ve had more ECGs and stress tests than I’ve had hot dinners, MRI, countless blood tests I’m amazed I had any blood left lol. My mother is in her 60s and has struggled with anxiety most of her life and has never had any therapy. I recall when I was in my early teens she collapsed and someone mentioned atrial fibrillation and from that day forth I became terrified about what might happen to me. Unbeknown to me until quite recently but my mother was also terrified about her health for those years up to recently when she went to a cardiologist after having several “episodes” as she called them and to her surprise the cardiologist told her he didn’t need to see her again, she has a healthy heart with no issues at all. that’s also helped me to an extent, but that doubt still lingers. I relate to so much of how you think and feel about your health, at times it feels like a full time job and is so exhausting. And because of the constant worry we get stuck in a vicious circle, we experience all sorts of weird and bizarre physical symptoms with no apparent cause, and we worry more and so the symptoms get stronger and become more frequent. What I can tell you from my experience is that it IS possible to break out of that vicious circle. Every waking hour since my teens was filled with dread about my health, ironically now in my 40s I’m still here and healthy despite that. It’s something we always overlook, all that worry and suffering but for what reason. You can have a life without that worry, it requires a significant shift in perception and I’ll say straight away it’s not easy but absolutely achievable. The number one thing that changed my life was to start grouping all the symptoms together and calling them anxiety. Anxiety creates all sorts of symptoms and mimics all sorts of horrible things, yet it is completely harmless no matter how scary and awful it seems. The moment I stopped focusing on the individual symptoms and simply acknowledged that for now I am experiencing severe anxiety, was the moment I began to experience relief. There are good days and horrible days, but the key is to not fight the anxiety. It seems counterintuitive, but try to just let it come. Your mind and body create the anxiety and everything that comes with it, and your mind and body know how to turn it off. All your mind and body need is for you to acknowledge, accept and then most importantly continue living. It sounds so simple but it’s incredibly effective. I have struggled with PTSD, GAD and in July last year a complete nervous breakdown, but I am recovering more and more each day. I’m no longer housebound, I go out and socialise, and pretty much do most things people take for granted. Yes there are bad days still, and yes I have a way to go yet but for the first time in my life there is freedom, calm and hope. I wouldn’t wish the hell of anxiety and panic on my worst enemy, and I know that you will overcome it too! Above all be kind to you, love you, you are incredibly strong to have experienced everything you’ve been through. Anxiety and panic make us feel weak in mind and body, we feel fragile but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wow, thank you.
        The stupid anxiety is definitely why I’m still awake tonight although I have therapy in a few hours.
        I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and perspective with me.


      • I can only imagine how scary it must have been to see your mum collapse + hear that it may have been a heart condition.

        I am certain that if that had happened for me, I would have been very scared that I would experience it next.

        Liked by 1 person

      • yeah it was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I think that’s what really set off the health anxiety, I would hear about things happening to other people and immediately think I was next, completely irrational but that didn’t make it any less scary

        Liked by 1 person

      • Life is definitely not easy is it, but it’s these terrible times that make us stronger, that build us into the people we are and are to become. Given that you’re dealing with duff with your grandma, now more than ever it’s important to take care of you, practice self care – have a bubble bath, get a manicure or facial, a massage, cook your favourite meal, catch up with a good friend, watch or read your favourite show or book. Really disconnect for a bit and focus on you. I think most people with anxiety and panic etc are incredibly caring and loving people and we want to help others, but usually that comes at a cost to ourselves. Don’t neglect yourself, if you give yourself that extra bit, you’ll have some energy for others without sapping all your strength

        Liked by 1 person

      • “…that build us into the people we are and are to become.”

        That reminds me of a quote I heard over a decade ago that inspired me so much. I printed it and pasted it on my bathroom wall back then.

        “If our lives are indeed the sum-total of choices we’ve made, then we cannot change who we are. But with each new choice we are given, we can change who we’re going to be.”

        I’d forgotten about that.

        Liked by 1 person

      • it’s so true, we have the power within us to be whatever we want, to live the life we want. I think half the struggle is just working out what we do want instead of focusing on why we don’t want

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not a medic, but the rash in your mouth could be something as simple as a yeast infection, or an allergy to something in the food. The first is curable and the second preventable by figuring out what it is, and avoiding that again. But yes, it is time to go to a doctor and figure it out. All the best with that. Let us know how it turns out.

    Liked by 1 person

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