Log: May 24 (Sun): Buy more bread + make Pbj’s; unknown

May 24 (Sun): Buy more bread + make Pbj’s; unknown

(I’m adding some humor to this post) Here’s a bumper sticker I saw yesterday.

Wow. Well, at least I accomplished the one thing I’d set out to do — I went to a different store and found bread for CHEAPER, and made a bunch of Pbj’s for the freezer at work.

I also bought corn tortillas. They were freaking CHEAP. And I think I can make some little rolls of beans+rice with them, and even some with peanut butter and jam (I tested it; it worked).

In some ways, I’m catching a glimpse of depression. I’m catching a glimpse of a wall of nothingness. This weekend, Peter has been out of town and it’s interesting to see how the absence of having places to go and people to see makes such a HUGE difference on me. I can just feel the emptiness. I’m not saying I’m depressed; I’m just saying it is easy to see the complete nothingness. It’s amazing that social activities keeps it at bay like it has been. I definitely need to join some more groups (AFTER I DECIDE what to do with school, work, apartment, etc).

My goal for tomorrow is to get up and SHOWER. Then I want to make a bunch of those corn tortilla Pbj rolls, but only if I can do it in secret (made my uncle very angry because I bought them in bulk — it was only $3! I only had $8 left).

Anyway. Then what? I’d like to change the fish’s water. Then read a book maybe? Paint or sketch for a moment? Anyway, in the afternoon, I am going to go walking with my brother. I have in mind to already make certain topics off-limits to help avoid any lectures this time. But I haven’t talked with him in a long time again now.

My mom’s mom is not doing well. She will probably be moved to a nursing home before I arrive there. It is going to be very hard on her because of her dementia and UTI that causes so much confusion in her, but it sounds like there is no choice right now. She’s too weak to sit up and feed herself, apparently!

I feel like grieving but you know me. Sometimes I postpone grief until later. But I don’t think so this time.  I think I will let myself grieve starting now.

She is not dead but as a person ages, sometimes the person they were before disappears. Sometimes just parts disappear. Sometimes it’s drastic. The Grandma I will visit soon will not be the same Grandma I visited for all of those beloved years. This happens. It’s okay to put that out into the open. It doesn’t mean I love her less now than before. But she is different now and our relationship is different now. When I got to stay with her for a time last year, she was different then too, and our relationship was different then too. Now it will be different from then as well. I don’t know how this will be.

I am assuming she is still alive when I arrive. It does not sound good if she can’t feed herself due to the weakness. I hope that the antibiotics take care of the infections quickly. I hope she will be less scared/agitated. I am sorry that she might be having to leave behind her assisted living home and the wonderful friends she has there. I will miss them. They will miss her.

After her fall last year, things got bad for her. It also marked the first time she could no longer practice her viola. That was a time for much mourning for her. She lost a lot of independence then. It’s been very hard for her. She gets UTI’s very easily but resents being forced to drink liquids during the day. She is very funny about that — she scolds her daughter for making her drink, and reminds her that SHE used to be the mother, making her DAUGHTER drink and such. 🙂 I smile but she gets serious about that. It’s hard for her to have the role reversal.

I don’t know if she has that much mental cognition right now. I haven’t spoken with her in a while. I don’t know what she knows. She has been doing things like trying to eat plastic bags and blankets. Her children are concerned to say the least.

Obviously that is different from how she was back in the day, when I was growing up. And she and her husband were the central hub for my maternal Family. It was the summer destination every summer, for all of the children and grandchildren (including me).

(I’m adding some humor to this post.) From a Jimmy Kimmel skit

I never wanted that to end. When they sold their house, it was hard. Harder still because I hadn’t known long enough in advance that they were going to sell, so the last time I was there, I didn’t know it was going to be sold. I would have said goodbye to every room, every structure, every plant, every pebble. I would have taken a seedpod from the Shoestring Acacia in the back yard. (I still consider knocking on their old door and asking the current owners if I can help myself to some seedpods…)

Part of me remains with a hole because that is my definition of Family and any time I was apart from there, I felt incomplete. I wanted us to all live together in the same city (not necessarily the same house, although *I* would have liked that). Now the Family is spreading across the country, and some has migrated toward the same general area as where I currently live. I like that although it hasn’t really increased the number of times I have visited anybody. I haven’t even seen my cousin’s babies. I’m very bothered by that. But how do I save up money for tickets? If I had that much money leftover after a month, I’d surely want to put it into Savings, or save it for the following month’s food budget.

My mum is paying for my current ticket. If she hadn’t, would I have coughed up the money to visit my grandma? I hope I would have but I don’t know myself to pull money from Savings. I hope I would have. Wait yes, I would have. I told my mum I was going to come, before she reminded me that she’d promised me a ticket last year.

Money and food is stressing the SHIT out of me. I can’t afford all of the food I’ve been consuming. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4