Log: May 23 (Sat) Bleh… until I ate

May 23 (Sat): Unknown

Roses

Roses from today’s walk

Boy did I feel yuck today! I mean, okay I knew from whatever I’d eaten last night that I’d feel yuck today. But it came true. So here’s the log.

I slept in! It’s been SO LONG since I’ve slept in! AHhhh it felt good. But I also felt guilty for it, of course. I got out of bed around 12:30p! I took my meds, I hung around my room for a bit. I finally got dressed, went upstairs, made myself a HUGE breakfast/lunch. Well, it was 3 eggs and 1 bell pepper. It didn’t taste very good, maybe due to my having burned it. I even added extra salt at the end. Maybe it was just too much bell pepper.

Oh well. I had only meant to eat half now and save half for later in the day, but then I decided I was going to go walking so I made myself eat it all. Then I went back down to my room and researched human eye color genetics for a while. Then I re-studied a little bit on horse hair color genetics, which is always fun. Then I studied birth control methods and read some yuck experiences with the copper IUDs which bummed me out because that’s what I was sort of leaning toward. Well hell no! I ain’t touching those things now. Anyway, so I was on the computer researching genetics-related things for a couple of hours.

Then I went out walking to head to a huge grocery store. I only intended to buy a few key items (I can’t afford any more food this month), but it cost fricking $42. $42! It wasn’t even very much stuff. I even put back the milk I’d hoped to buy, didn’t buy any granola, and bought my aunt and uncle just one cartoon of eggs. I bought food for a dinner idea for this-coming Tuesday evening. I also bought food for the next couple of days for myself.

Sandwiches

Sandwich creation

The bread made 7 sandwiches. So I have wrapped them carefully and frozen them. They will go into the freezer at work and be there for my future lunches. These were ham-and-veggie sandwiches. Tomorrow, I am going to buy one more loaf of bread (fucking $7 at this store. Unbelievable. Maybe I will walk to a different store and check their prices). Then I am going to make a batch of Pbj sandwiches to also freeze and bring to work. That way, I will be able to alternate.

The problem is, I am too damn picky!!!!! I could have bought a huge jar of strawberry jam for cheap, but did I??? NOOOOO I just couldn’t do it!!! It was sweetened with high fructose corn syrup and corn syrup.

It’s this shit. Gluten free is $3 a loaf more expensive than regular. I can’t stand it.

I’m going to try adjusting my body back to barley. I’ve been off of it for years, after the allergy testing. But you’re supposed to be able to try adding a thing back into your body slowly after 6 months without. I just never bothered because I felt like I ate healthier without it. But now, I just can’t afford this! It’s RIDICULOUS.

When I finally went entirely gluten-free, it seemed to help a lot of my intestinal issues. So I am scared to try gluten again. But I’m going to do this. Because the WHAT IF I CAN TOLERATE BARLEY NOW and WHAT IF I CAN TOLERATE GLUTEN FOODS NOW heavily, heavily outweighs the benefits of continuing gluten abstinence.

The worst that happens? Some pretty yuck intestinal issues for some unknown amount of time until the gluten responses are gone from my system again. So then I’m back on gluten-free. What’s the best that happens? SAVE MONEY $$$$$. SAVE MONEY $$$$$ SAVE MONEY $$$$$. And be less of a pain in the ass as a guest to other people’s meals and in restaurant scenarios, etc.

I wish the lactase tablets worked for me but they just don’t. So there ain’t no doing for the milk-product avoidance.

Beef, I could probably try building that up for my body too, but I haven’t wanted to. But it *would* be just one more thing not to avoid, which would be a relief. What a pain in the ass — sorry that was cooked in beef broth, I can’t eat that. But on the other hand, what’s the big deal with animal consumption? It’s so much EASIER to eat animals. It saves $$$$ as a consumer, since any “speciality” (not made with beef stock!) or whatever foods can get away with charging twice as much. And it’s easier to just get along in the world around me, to not have things I avoid. But people, why? I just want cheap and easy and not make a big deal or fuss about things. Why that has to mean eating animal meat, I don’t know, but it does. It’s just easier.

I quit bothering with fake cheese years ago. Have you LOOKED at the prices of soy, almond, etc. cheeses? ridICulous. Seriously disheartening. The only time I will splurge on that crap is for pizzas. I love cheese on my pizzas.

Neat flowers

Neat flowers from today’s walk

Okay, enough belly aching. So anyway, I felt really bad today. I had the eggs + bell pepper for brunch. I didn’t eat anything after that until like 8p. Then my uncle had made a little food so I was able to eat some of that (he hasn’t thought I was joining them because he saw all of my sandwich fixings, so really only made enough for him and my aunt, but then he didn’t eat much anyway so there was enough for me to join). Yeah, I felt a lot better after I ate. Then I made my 7 sandwiches for my work lunches.

I got to watch the end of a cutesy movie with my uncle tonight. I fed the dogs, which is the first time in a long time (Bailey is so overweight, it’s hard for me to look at her). They’re both very sweet dogs, and get along so well.

Now it’s extremely late. Oh. My maternal grandma is not well. I’m going to go visit her soon. I can’t expect much for mental cognition; she has pretty bad dementia now. It wasn’t so bad until last year when she had a bad fall. It showed the dementia pretty clearly. She gets very bad when she has a UTI, which she has right now. She gets very confused and also very, very anxious.

But of course none of that matters. She is still my Grandma, even if I see other aspects now than she showed before. Even if there are new aspects now that didn’t exist before. She is still my Grandma and we love her. Everyone grieves for her changes in their own ways. My uncle drinks more. My mom texts more. One of my aunts fixates more on health issues. We all have our own little niche for how we deal, how we focus our attention to something we can focus on with a slight bit less pain.

What the family will become without her, it’s hard to know. She and her late husband were always the Center. She is still the Center. It is hard to imagine what the family will be without her here. I think the siblings are all good at staying in touch with one another. Us cousins haven’t had a central way of meeting in a long time. I still haven’t met a single one of my cousins’ babies, which is really, really sad to me.

Well that’s enough for tonight. Goodnight, all. Today’s Mood Ranking: 3.5 – 5

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