May 16 (Sat): Cooking and dinner w/ “Peter’s” folks 2p – 9p @his mom’s house
May 17 (Sun): Hiking w/Peter and one of his friends
May 18 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p; Go to uncle’s house
The last time I wrote was regarding Saturday, I believe. I had a mood crash. I’m pretty damn certain it was the blood sugar because I had missed lunch and then ate junk for a while until a very late dinner. I overdid the refined sugars and all kinds of bad things. I got so insecure during dinner. They’re all biomechanics or something on a microscopic level and everyone was discussing DNA sequencing and all of this really, really amazing stuff but then me and this high schooler who was also there were suddenly asked if we’d understood everything being said for the last however long and of course, everyone at the table understand except for me.
I have a pretty big insecurity due to my lack of academic accomplishment but it’s part of what drives me to want to go back to school now. I’m going to harness this and use it. I have felt like the least academically achieved member of my family since 2003 when non-academic circumstances interfered with my ability to finish college.
It isn’t what other people say. It isn’t what you can say to me. It isn’t what my 2 year Associate of Art degree says to me. There is nothing you can do or say to assuage my very, very strong feelings of inferiority. I have to get a degree because I want to prove something to myself. I want to prove it to the world. But it’s me who is berating me and me who belittles me and puts me down.
I want to do it. I want to be capable of doing it. I know it will take special accommodations like the audio books and note takers and help through the school, but I want to do it for me.
You know, I should let you guys see my typing without the use of spell check some time. That would just be kind of funny. I am not stupid but I’m a phonetic speller and nothing is ever spelled the same way twice.
The reading is just painful. I mean, it is physically painful. I was asked to read a little brochure the other day. The font was small and narrow and must have been freshly printed. I don’t think I made it through a page. I don’t know how I could get through a course. The words and spaces between words still move on freshly printed paper. What the hell would I do?
Am I discouraging myself now? No, don’t do that. I am going to take some college classes. I am going to do this. Not for you. Maybe in spite of you. But for me.
Log: Saturday was good aside from my mood dive. Stayed up talking with Peter until at least 4:30a. That’s how bad my mood was. Explained how I was worried what’s going to happen when he realizes how much more academically intelligent he is compared to me. (He’s AMAZINGly academically-smart). I need to come up with my other strengths. The ones that are not school or knowledge related. Because that day really crashed my self confidence. The day had been briefly at my aunt and uncle’s house, then the rest of the day was spent at Peter’s mom’s house. It was a cooking and dinner event. My mood went insane; I hid several times just to self-isolate. Everything was fine; don’t know why I got so stressed. Mood went off almost like an extreme PMS. Like just suddenly on the verge of crying and no idea at all why. Mood ranking on previous posting.
Sunday: Fun day. Bicycled and went hiking along a beach. I even got to take my shoes and socks off. One of Peter’s coworkers attended, and Peter’s father attended. It was really fun and I took lots of pictures I hope to dump to my computer one of these days. Mood: 4.5 – 5 – 5.5
Monday: Work. What a weird day. Nobody came to work, nobody emailed or called. I vacuumed the office. Made the coffee, got the tea water ready. Nothing. I feel very strange now (I love chunks of solitude, but an entire day of solitude can get me a bit weird, to say the least). Going to go home now; I’m not going to stop for ingredients. That means cold, canned soup for me tonight. I don’t really feel like caring. I think I am tired. Oh, also I spent much of today going through my Facebook and finally blocking the people I needed to block. There were a lot. It was sad. But I can’t have a security breach. I do miss certain people on Facebook who still post the bulk of their photos there. That includes the woman who is taking care of my horse. She called me today to let me know she has started to work with my horse and is doing well. She sent me a funny vid of my girl prancing around a big pen. I stay at my aunt + uncle’s place tonight, alone. Mood: 4.5 – 5