Log: May 12 (Tue) and some What Ifs

May 12 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a; Work 10:30a – 5:30p; Music practice w/ Peter 6:45p

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein:
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s):
*Other:

To Buy:
*Trail mix, to bring to work …SUCCESS
*Chocolate-covered raisins …SUCCESS
*Eggs (for my uncle or for Peter? I can’t recall) …SUCCESS (for Peter)

To Do:
*Any time: Submit resume + cover letter …SUCCESS
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures …SUCCESS

*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

*After work: Make seven more PBJs and bring to work + freeze

Bell pepper cut in a funny way

Bell pepper cut in a funny way

Log: Got up a little bit later than I’d hoped to for therapy. Put away my clean laundry, tidied up my room, packed for being away again, just in case. Bicycled to therapy but was probably 8 minutes late. That includes the time for locking up my bicycle, although I’m getting a little bit more used to using that new lock.

I had been kind of anxious about going to therapy. I was expecting to have my own words handed back to me, about how I won’t see any particular person too many times in a week. I’m obviously not following my own advice and I expect someone in my life to hold up a mirror. I keep expecting it to my uncle. I keep expecting it to be my brother (but I haven’t spoken with him in a while). I expected it to be my therapist. I expect it to be one of you!

It’s me, okay?! It’s me! I’m shouting at myself. “What are you doing?!” “Don’t see him again tonight!” Which is really: “You’re going to ruin your life!” “You’re going to disappear!” “You’re going to be someone you’re not!” “You’re going to lose all sense of Self!” “You’re going to become trapped!” “You’re going to live a fake life meant for someone else!” Etc. Etc. Etc.

Reality check? I’m getting a ton of shit done that I never thought possible. Like showering regularly. Thinking about meals regularly. Helping cook regularly. Staying more caught up on certain chores and paperwork regularly. Exercising regularly.

Join me for some What Ifs. I need them.

WHAT IF IT IS OKAY THAT I’M SPENDING MANY DAYS A WEEK WITH ANOTHER PERSON?
WHAT IF IT IS OKAY?
WHAT IF I CAN SPEND MANY DAYS A WEEK WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND DO NOT LOSE MYSELF?
WHAT IF I REMAIN PRODUCTIVE?
WHAT IF I REMAIN SOMEONE I LIKE?
WHAT IF I AM EVEN HEADING IN THE DIRECTION OF WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE?
WHAT IF I AM EVEN HEADING IN THE DIRECTION OF DOING WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO?
WHAT IF THIS IS OKAY IN THIS MOMENT?
WHAT IF I CAN RELAX? AND BREATHE?
WHAT IF I CAN TRY THIS DIFFERENT LIFESTYLE AND EMBRACE THE GOOD IN IT?
WHAT IF I WERE TO SPEND EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY WITH ANOTHER PERSON?
WHAT IF I SPENT SO MUCH TIME WITH ANOTHER PERSON, I ACTUALLY HAD TO REQUEST PERIODS OF SOLITUDE, EVEN IF IT JUST MEANT LOCKING MYSELF IN A BEDROOM FOR A WHILE?
WHAT IF THAT’S OKAY?
WHAT IF I SPENT EVERY NON-WORK SECOND WITH ANOTHER PERSON AND GOT A JOB THERE AND SPENT EVERY WAKING WORK SECOND WITH THEM TOO? haha 🙂
WHAT IF I LIVED AND BREATHED AND OBSESSED OVER AND BECAME ANOTHER PERSON?
WHAT IF I LIVED WITH AND DIDN’T BECOME OR OBSESS OVER ANOTHER PERSON?
WHAT IF I LIVED WITH ANOTHER PERSON FOR A WHILE AND THEN BROKE UP AND FOUND AN EMPTY ROOM ELSEWHERE?
WHAT IF MY AUNT AND UNCLE LET ME LIVE WITH THEM EVEN WHEN I DIDN’T STAY WITH THEM FOR LONG AMOUNTS OF THE WEEK?
WHAT IF THEY DIDN’T?
WHAT IF I BREAK UP TOMORROW AND GO BACK TO LIVING WITH MY AUNT AND UNCLE FOR A SHORT TIME WHILE LOOKING FOR AN APARTMENT OF MY OWN?
WHAT IF I DIDN’T LOOK FOR AN APARTMENT OF MY OWN?
WHAT IF I MOVED IN NEXT TO MY BROTHER? haha

WHAT IF I TAKE CLASSES NEXT SEMESTER?
WHAT IF I DON’T?
WHAT IF I FIND A FULL TIME JOB WITH BENEFITS INSTEAD?
WHAT IF I FIND A PART-TIME JOB WITH BENEFITS?
WHAT IF I FIND NOTHING AND DO NOTHING AND WHITHER AWAY IN A BEDROOM IN MY AUNT AND UNCLE’S HOUSE?
WHAT IF THEY KICKED ME OUT AND I HAD NO JOB OR SCHOOL AND NO WHERE TO LIVE?

It’s hard to What-If that scenario because I’d find some kind of living situation.

I feel really close to something working out. Bloody heck, I have to submit my cover letter + resume right now! I found a part-time job I am sooo excited to apply for. I’ll be back.

UPDATE: Terrible, terrible insomnia. It was almost as if I’d had caffeine before bed, but I hadn’t. I don’t know what was up. I had a sore back from earlier in the day which had been hurting a little bit all day. Maybe that aided to the insomnia. I was wide awake and on Red Alert when a woman started shrieking at the top of her lungs for someone to call 911, someone to get help, over and over and over and over again. Damn straight I called 911. I hope things got sorted out, whatever was going on. Another hour or so later, I think I was finally able to relax a bit and sleep.

Part of why I couldn’t fall asleep was that Peter was holding me. I love it and it’s so wonderful and so touching and so sweet, but I have Restless Leg Syndrome and I panic if I can’t flop around without waking up the other person. So my flopping kept him awake for hours, too. The more I try to hold still and not wake the other person, the more my legs HAVE TO MOVE THIS VERY INSTANT. I don’t remember how or when I finally was able to go my own way and relax more. (Obviously I could have just spoken up and moved away, but it was so touching, I didn’t want to give it up, even if it meant half panicking the entire time. Stupid restless legs.)

I can’t ever, ever be the one sleeping against the side with the wall, for that same reason. I panic quite literally if my legs don’t have free range. I have to be able to move them at any moment. I’m taking the iron supplement quite regularly; I’d think this would have gone away more by now. The iron supplement was supposed to help a lot, since my iron had tested low and that can apparently worsen Restless Leg.

Oh well, no complaints really. Even if I wasn’t asleep for a long while, I was happy. Day’s Mood Ranking: 5

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2 thoughts on “Log: May 12 (Tue) and some What Ifs

  1. Hey haven’t been on wp for awhile so I’m missing a lot of your last couple weeks. Yes, it is ok to spend lots of time with another person, and still be who you like etc etc. It’s probably not too healthy to spend all the time with them, necessarily, but I know many couples in the art business who I figure spend a lot* of time together, but I’m sure it’s not all. It’s ok for each of you to have friends/family/interests that the other doesn’t want to share some or all of the time.
    I didn’t like the ‘become obsessed with’ option, or the last two…
    Now I gotta catch up with your other posts….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you 🙂
      Don’t worry, my What Ifs always have to address the most extreme possibilities that I fear. Otherwise, I can’t get past the fear. I certainly don’t plan to spend all of my time with anyone, or to work along side them, but it’s helpful for me to extend that far in my visualizations and imagine What If I do that and am okay anyway. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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