Log: May 11 (Mon) First night alone

May 11 (Mon): Work 10:15a – 5:30p; Bring my aunt the jam from “Peter’s” mom, as well as a few flowers and a slice of watermelon, if they look good at the store after work; Vacuum my aunt + uncle’s house; Laundry; Rest; The following:

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: Canned salmon …ALTERED
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s): Romaine lettuce, tomato …ALTERED

To Buy:
*Trail mix, to bring to work
*Lettuce + Tomato
*Flowers for my aunt …SUCCESS
*Watermelon slice for my aunt …SUCCESS

To Do:
*Any time: Update bottom paragraph of resume; Finalize references; Submit along w/ cover letter …UPDATED BUT haven’t submitted
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures

*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

*Any time: Update budget …SUCCESS the next day
*Any time: Schedule dental appt …SUCCESS

Log: This will be my first night alone in a surprisingly long time. I haven’t had much alone time lately, so I’m looking forward to it. If my uncle is in a good mood, I’ll probably chill with him tonight. If he’s not, I’ll be in my room, alone, doing alone things like filing some paperwork I’ve fallen behind on, and catching up on some emails and whatnot. Maybe I’ll read. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll sketch. Maybe I won’t. Maybe or not. 🙂

So we woke up this morning and made breakfast. He made me more quinoa so I’d have a complete protein available today. Then we had a little extra time so we ended up making some eggs and bacon anyway, but I have the quinoa and some home-grown carrots (his mom’s) for lunch. I didn’t put any thought into lunch for today, so it’s just that. I see that I have a PBJ leftover from last Friday in the fridge, too. I’ll be good.

((The “cut” goes here))

UPDATE: After work, I took the train home and grocery shopped for myself and the pick up the watermelon and flowers for my aunt. I made a dinner for myself that wasn’t too tasty until I added sunflower seeds to it. But it looked fancy. It was shredded baby cucumber, green onion, and bell pepper. Then I added some olive oil, rice vinegar, salt, a mix seasoning, and some fresh lemon juice. It was all right but improved with the unsalted sunflower seeds.

Then I cleaned up after myself, washed the dishes that were already in the sink, and ran a load of laundry. Then I sketched (I posted one of them). I went to bed by 11p. I had a terrible anxiety attack while waiting to fall asleep. It started from replaying an innocent conversation I had with Peter or his folks or something, but rapidly spiraled into thinking about my ex and and then remembering the time of the falling apart and then came the emotional torment of the knowledge of things gone wrong and how it could happen and how things were when we thought we’d end up together forever, etc. Moment of panic and being almost unable to survive it. If you’ve never had a panic attack, it’s hard to explain the moment of feeling like you will literally not survive it. A moment of terror like there is no escape. It was not too bad as far as that goes; I still felt able to breathe at least. I don’t know how I stepped out of it fast enough that I was able to calm back down and sleep within another 45 minutes. Today’s Mood Ranking: 4 – 5

CUT FOR SOME TMI GROSSNESS (my throat is not healthy)

Highly anxiety-provoking: My throat went sore after we stayed the night at my aunt + uncle’s house. I woke up the next morning with a sore throat. I looked in the mirror with a flashlight and there are little white bumps surrounded by sore red patches on the back of my throat, my uvula, and the back of the roof of my mouth. What the FUCK. Why is my body doing this? Why? What am I doing wrong? I’m eating well. I’m exercising all the time. I’m sleeping. I ‘should’ be healthy.

So first of all, remember a long while ago now, I was placed on antibiotics for the suspected (but incorrect) Whooping cough dx. The antibiotics cleared up an orange tongue coating I was getting. I don’t understand what the was about, but every time I brushed my teeth (2x or 3x daily, and always brush my tongue), my toothbrush was turning orange any time I brushed my tongue — orange stuff was growing on my tongue. The antibiotics got rid of it.

So now I am getting a coating again, but this time it is just whitish. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I’ve never had oral issues in my entire life. I’ve never even had a cavity before. I brush, I floss. I think I’m allergic to this state. But anyway, then a week or so ago, I had the entire inner lining of my cheeks sloughing off in big sheets. I looked it up online and it is most commonly reported on forums as being a toothpaste allergy. Well, I had been using a toothpaste that Peter had at his place, and it had the whitening that people were reporting being allergic to. So I switched to a new toothpaste and the sloughing has stopped.

But I’ve still got the tongue coating, and now the red soreness with the white bumps/lesions in the back of my mouth/throat. The FUCK!!!!!!! I can’t afford more visits to the doctor. That’s not in my budget for the month. I’ve gone ahead and made a dental appt because I’m 5 months overdue for a cleaning, but it’s not until June.

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