Log: May 6 (Wed) Happy today

May 5 (Tue): Work 10:45a – 5:30p; Music practice w/”Peter” 6:45p;

Dinner Plan:
*Complete Protein: Leftover brown Jasmine rice w/ pine nuts
*Non-starchy Vegetable(s): Tomato, Asparagus, Leftover green beans
*Other: PBJ for “Peter”; tomato sauce for me;

To Buy:
*A non-broken watch with multiple alarms feature …SUCCESS
*An avocado?
*A red bell pepper?
*Romaine lettuce?
*Trail mix, to bring to work

To Do:
*At work: Invoice#1wj (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#2sur (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#3dc (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*At work: Invoice#4gas (3/4 done; waiting on supervisor’s revisions)
*Any time: At least 2 Accounting lectures …HALF SUCCESS

*Any time: Apply for Music Workshop scholarship
*Any time: Write and send thank you letter to my aunt & grandma

*After work: Make seven more PBJs and bring to work + freeze
*After work: Practice music
*After work: Deposit check

To Pick Up From Uncle’s House:
*Last month’s therapy bill to submit to insurance
*My VitaMix
*My birth certificate, for passport application
*My back-up drive
*Some earrings
*My hairbrush

Lap cat

Lap cat

The log part for today: I’ve been in a great mood so far today. Going to sleep before 11p must have helped a lot. I was seriously falling apart yesterday; I nearly started crying just for no reason at all. I feel good today. There were train issues this morning, so I ended up bicycling a good part of my morning commute. It was great. I think I will start doing that just because. It’s hard, because it didn’t actually save me any money, so that won’t remain motivating for me. Well, it saved $0.20, actually. So maybe it will motivate me.

Anyway, I feel better today, I think partly because I’m getting some things accomplished, too. The sleep. The food ideas. Learning a little bit about Accounting each day now. I was pretty productive at work yesterday and again so far this morning (although I am now waiting for certain documents to be sent back to me with the revisions, so I can then finalize them).

I’m okay. Right now, at this very moment, I wouldn’t change anything. Except for the unknown about what to do with my pony, who is actually not a pony but a small horse. I just call her a pony because she’s 1 inch too short to be “horse” sized. She’s a horse breed, however. I need to figure out what to do with her.

I was emotional yesterday, as we’ve already discussed. I was falling apart. Something reminded me of Fuji apples (“something” being that we bought some Fuju apples, haha) and I told “Peter” the story of the time I nearly sold my other horse, before her neurological disorder diagnosis. It was the largest Fuji apples I’ve ever seen in my life, right there in that grocery store back home, that caused me this massive, massive meltdown in the store. In the end, I told the people not to come pick her up as planned the following day. I told them I needed another week to mentally be okay with parting with her. I am glad they didn’t end up getting her; she’d probably be dead now if they had, because of her diagnosis. Instead, she lives a very happy life in the Blue Sky Horse Rescue in Oregon (please support them however, whenever you can!).

It made me realize/remember that however calm and stable and distant I am about selling my pony today, the reality is much harder. I often don’t “feel” my emotions about projected future events until they’re RIGHT ON ME. So it doesn’t matter how calm and okay I am with the idea of parting with my pony today. When it becomes “real life” for me, that’s when I fall to pieces and it all really sinks in and I “feel” how much I miss her and care about her.

But, that can’t be a reason to keep her. The truth is, I want the money. I want the money that I’m spending on her to go into Savings instead. I’m feeling a growing panic inside of me, that is telling me that I need to hoard my money closer to myself. Less doctor visits. Less frivolous spending. Less groceries. Less eating out. Less money going to my friend back home who is caring for my pony. This probably all relates to the pretty extreme anxiety attack I had the other day. I mean, it was a really bad anxiety attack. I had suicidal thoughts during it (my thoughts told me that I was basically completely, hopelessly beyond hope of ever having money stored away for retirement age, because I am in my thirties and still haven’t invested or anything. As thought I have already ‘missed the boat’ and it’s too late now).

But I’ve got to figure out a way to remedy this somehow. Gotta keep working toward a stable income / maybe a stable career (Accounting?) and then a stable living situation. That’s what it would take, I think. I have to try.

UPDATE #1: I’ve just eaten some lunch (oops, late again). I’m all alone at work today. So I have music of 100% my own choice playing a little loudly (hopefully I’m not disrupting neighboring offices). I had to do a few dance steps after I finished washing my dishes. Good moods are so great. I don’t care of it’s just my brain misfiring, excess dopamine, whatever.

UPDATE #2: Crash and burn. After tonight, I’m going to take a break. My depression is trying to come back. I can’t have that. I can feel it trying to find its way in through the cracks. It’s scaring me.

Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 3-5.5 – 6.5

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