May 4 (Mon): Work 9:30a – 5:30p, Make dinner with “Peter”, study Accounting for at least a half hour, look up jobs, go to bed by 9:30p (no joke)
I’m beat. I’m exhausted. I’m on the verge of falling apart. You could probably tell by the tone of my previous post — it focused on some negative. I’m just way too tired. I’m going to go to bed early tonight and take some of my clonazepam this time. Must sleep. (You’d think I’d learn to take pain medicine before sleep when I have bad menstrual cramps, but no.)
Work today is okay. I got really mad at one point. It was over “fairness” or justice. Someone said something unfair and I got really mad because of it. I told them why (not that I was mad, just the “why” of what had happened that they had been unfair about). I’m over it now.
These PBJs are AWESOME. What $$$ savers!!!!! Thank goodness. I’m not going to eat out for lunch at all this month. I need to make a big batch of these sandwiches and put them in the freezer.
There’s SOOOO DAMN MUCH I want to DO. But there’s so much all at once that it’s overwhelming and it’s hard to do any of it at all.
Okay. Food plans. I could buy a container of hummus and a baggy of carrots to keep at work for snacks. To supplement the PBJs. And some apples and oranges. That’s all I would ever need for lunch. Breakfast has been eggs. Variable sides: A piece of bacon, a piece of toast with homemade plum jam, slices of apple, slices of orange, sauerkraut, chunks of potato, avocado, dairy-free yogurt. Tea has been a constant.
So breakfast and lunch are pretty well set. Now I need to get control of dinner. This morning, “Peter” suggested salad for dinner and that we’ll stop at the grocery store after work. So I’m trying to figure out salads that would have some protein and fiber (fiber is easy with salad, but the complete protein is not necessarily easy, unless you’re adding meat or something).
These look interesting, except the quinoa one doesn’t really include any fruits or veggies, which seems to contradict her claim that she makes this as a “meal”: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/5-healthy-protein-packed-spring-salad-recipes.html
Complete Proteins (from this site):
- Buckwheat (which is not a wheat and is gluten-free, btw)
- Mycoprotein (Quorn) (sort of kind of a little bit considered a mushroom; often bound with egg whites)
- Rice-and-beans (OR rice-and-chickpeas OR rice-and-lentils OR pita-and-hummus (can sub a lot of the beans with each other) (can sub rice and wheat and corn with each other))
- Ezekiel bread (which is delicious but not gf)
- Seitan (wheat gluten but only if mixed with soy broth, to complete the protein)
- Spirulina with Grains or Nuts
Interesting and completely random article I stumbled across: http://greatist.com/happiness/why-i-killed-a-chicken
Here’s a random idea that appeals to me: “Use warm cooked quinoa as a breakfast option for a grain that packs more protein than traditional cereals. Combine it with a little milk, applesauce, cinnamon, and a sliced apple for a delicious breakfast.” From this site. This could help me to figure out how to eat something other than eggs every morning.
Soon, I will be leaving, dropping my bike off at “Peter’s”, and then heading to the grocery store. What will I buy for dinner? Think salad. Hmm. I just found the recipe for my old favorite Confetti Rice. Nice. Okay, I’m going to wash the dish and take out the garbage and then leave. Today’s Mood Ranking (subject to change): 4-5 (it was a 4 all the way up until all of this food reading and finding that Confetti Rice recipe; now I’m feeling content & fine again; hang on, how am I going to tell my uncle that I’m staying out again tonight? I just know it’s going to upset him at some point out of worry for me — he knows I don’t believe in spending too much time with any one person; I think it’s unhealthy in the long-run. And here I am doing exactly that.) My conscience is eating at me about it a little bit, actually. I know I’m doing the wrong thing and here I am doing it anyway. Why? Why don’t I just contact “Peter” right now and say I’m not coming over tonight?
But honestly I think I’ll get more accomplished if I go. We have plans to make dinner, which itself I consider a HUGE accomplishment for me. HUGE. MAJOR. Changing of the meaning of my life. Then we have plans to do our own solo computer work that we want to do (for me, it will involve about 1 hour of job-searching and at least 30 minutes of studying Accounting, and there are two other computer-related things I want to work on tonight).
If I go to my aunt and uncle’s place (she is home again now), it will be because I feel that I haven’t “caught up” socially with my uncle in over a week and that’s making me very anxious. I’m worried about him anyway, but I just. I don’t know. I feel like I should spend some quiet time with him, chilling in front of a stupid movie, his sports, MMA fighting, whatever it is that’s on. If it’s for me or for him that I want to do this, I couldn’t tell you. But I can tell you that I feel as if I “should” do that very, very soon. Before something bad happens. (What bad thing is going to happen? Is it necessarily “wrong” that I am spending all of this extra time with “Peter” right now? My mood has slipped a little and I’m exhausted, but aside from that, I don’t feel like it’s changing me fundamentally, which is my biggest fear. But maybe it is and I just haven’t caught on yet. And I’m getting SO MUCH accomplished. We’ve done so many things. Helping cook is its own miracle, but all of the walking and stuff that I’ve been doing is another. I’m still motivated for getting out of bed with him and for showering nearly daily and stuff. Things I didn’t think were possible. I really hope those bubbles don’t burst; I hope this will someday just become habit.