Log: May 3 (Sun)

May 3 (Sun): Unknown

I can’t believe it but I forgot to celebrate May 2 and 3. I was going to this year. Well, there’s always next year (I’ve missed it for at least a decade now).

Anywho, so Sunday. Sunday, what did we do? Oh! “Peter” and I made it to the Meditation Center in the morning! Then we ate lunch out with 5 other people from the center. We walked back, stopping at two used book stores along the way.

Then we came back and what happened then? I started some laundry at some point. I also vacuumed the main floor level and both stairways at my uncle’s house. I don’t recall what else happened. We ate out for dinner. I didn’t want to but I agreed to it. It’s not that I had anything in mind to cook, I just didn’t want to spend any more money on eating out. I’m a bit freaked out about money right now so my head is not in the eating-out ballgame. I could have easily said something but I didn’t, mostly because eating out is just so much damn easier. My gawd I hate cooking. I’m just so bad at it and it makes me feel neurotic with my insecurities over how I did.

I know for certain that I’ve been spending too much time with “Peter”. I know this with no doubt at all, whatsoever. How do I know this? Because I can still “feel” his presence next to me, even right now, as if he is still right there, with every sense.

I’m trying hard to analyze myself and see if the time spent with a single person has changed me at all. That’s the risk, you see. I change when I am with someone too much. I become them.

Am I becoming him? I’ve tried hard to keep my own opinions and viewpoints. I could have started mimicking some of his movements or speech; it’s likely. That always happens when I am with someone else for a lengthy period of time, to some degree. That’ll happen no matter what. I’m more concerned with core, internal things. I’d sure as hell better damn well not compromise anything internal. Have I? Am I?

I’ve made myself keep up with this journal, even if I do a fairly crappy job when he’s present. I have asked him not to read this blog, although he knows of its existence. I decided that I need this to stay “my” space — a space where I could splat out any old crap I want. So that’s something “separate” for sure.

I have to make sure I keep “separate”ness. It’s hard to do because I like the urge to share all activities with him. He’s even invited me to join his book club; a handful of the members locate the books as audiobooks, so I’d fit right in! I’m very interested but I’m also wondering if I should decline just for the sake of us each keeping something separate and unique to ourselves, some way of spending our time. (Work is obviously kept very separate.)

It’s really interesting to view what kind of insecurities come up in me. I can never predict it. The strangest things trigger it. It’s interesting to have times when I have to remind myself that I’m a capable adult; the insecurity can bring me down so far that I feel completely small. But I remind myself that I’m an adult and my life isn’t complete shit (well, it depends on who you ask! If you ask my brother, he will say I live in complete shit. That my life is a shambles joke shadow of what I could or should be figuring out, etc). It’s easy to get insecure because I half do see myself as a failure. So if I compare myself to “Peter” in certain ways, it is easy to see myself as almost laughably incompetent.

But fuck you. Anyone who wants to see me as a complete failure, a drain of other peoples’ time and energy and attention. Undeserving. Only in this fake life because of the help of those around me.

I don’t know, maybe that’s correct. Maybe I’m only here because of others’ help. I don’t know how to fix that.

…BRB. || Okay, I’m back. Let me try to finish this log. So after dinner and after laundry, we packed up and went to “Peter’s” place. It was already very late and we went straight to bed. It was nearly 11p.


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