Log: Apr 21 (Tue) willpower is kind of sad

Apr 21 (Tue): Therapy 8:30a, Work 10a – 5:30p, Lunch with Shelly unknown time @unknown location, Evening lake walk with Shelly 5:30p @lake, Dinner with brother 7p @his apartment

Baby Canadian Geese

Baby Canadian Geese

Today is sad. This is because I promised myself that I would spend tonight alone. I didn’t hear from “Peter” for most of yesterday, but halfway through today he did invite me to play music tonight.

I had to say no. Because I promised myself. And I made plans with Shelly to go walking around a lake (I need to leave right now; I’ll keep her waiting otherwise). But tomorrow won’t work either, because he has Book Club. So I won’t see him again until Thursday. I know, that is not far from now. But it feels far.

But I have a lot to get done anyway. THERE IS JUST SO DAMN MUCH I NEED TO GET ACCOMPLISHED this week, preferably.

I’m caught up at work still, so that’s something. Okay, I have to get bicycling to my meeting spot. I am probably going to delay her a bit, as I’m not sure how long this ride is going to take. More later, all. (Don’t sound so enthused…)

More babies

More babies

UPDATE: Okay, so I walked half the lake with Shelly and it was really fun and I got some neat pictures of baby Canadian Geese. They were adorable. The adults scared the living daylights out of some poor dogs whose owners were oblivious to the fact that they were jogging their dogs right past these babies. The adults didn’t mind humans coming close, but would hiss and run at all of the dogs. I also got to see a rat but my picture came out blurry. He was cute.

Then I met my brother at his apartment. We were there for a short time, and then ate out at a nearby restaurant. Everything was pleasant and great. Then we returned to his apartment to gather our stuff to head to our uncle’s place, and that’s when the typical lecturing started. I don’t remember the exact starting moment. I think I made the mistake of expressing excitement about some of my future plans, like finding an apartment/roommate, taking some classes, getting health insurance through a job. That’s what it was. I pointed out that I am back to working enough hours at this job that I qualify for their health insurance. He went into how I fucked it up for 2 months and nobody in their right mind would trust me now, I have a lot to rebuild their trust in me, I need to sound more grateful for my uncle not firing my ass, etc.

Canadian geese

Canadian geese

This sort of thing doesn’t motivate me, as he expects. He says when he fucks up then he’s more motivated to prove himself. That’s not how it works for me. If I think someone is mad at me, I’ll quit and find a different route with fresh people. I’m not going to prove myself. I know I fucked up in January and February. I was pretty badly depressed and unable to get out of bed. I got all of my work done, but I couldn’t keep any kind of normal hours and people certainly don’t have any reason to trust me at this job. So where he expects me to double down and prove myself, I pointed out that I have been doing fine ever since then. I’m getting to work, I’m keeping up with my work. If they want to distrust me, that’s up to them. He wants me to express more gratitude. That’s what it boiled down to by the end of this lecture. I need to be expressing outwardly how grateful I am not to have to work 3 jobs and be on welfare and have kids at home and be barely scraping by. I said fine I’ll go live on a box on the sidewalk. If that’s what he wants to see. Okay maybe that was a knee-jerk reaction but talking with him makes me feel like complete shit when he gets like this. He got really pissed and said I can’t be such a quitter, whining and poor me. Etc etc. It was pretty ugly for a while. I finally pointed out that a lot of my knee-jerk reactions weren’t really what I think, they’re just me being defensive because it feels like he’s attacking me. It went around and around for a while but we both calmed down. Then seemed to figure out the gratitude bit. I get the feeling he’d be happier about me if I make sure my uncle knows how grateful I am for him not firing my ass and throwing me out on the street to boot, and for allowing me this “cushy” job.

Anyway, he fit my bike into his car and we headed back to my uncle’s. He and my uncle chatted a while, drank some alcohol, and I went into the garage to try and figure out what tube to buy for “Peter’s” flat tire. That was my day. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5

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4 thoughts on “Log: Apr 21 (Tue) willpower is kind of sad

  1. Hmm, I can’t say I like the sound of your brother. Doesn’t seem like a supportive sibling. Yes, guys respond differently to problems, but that doesn’t mean he needs to put you down. I wonder if you were in the job some time before Jan/Feb and the coworkers will see that you did a good job before, are doing one now, and were just really sick for two months. But it is a good idea to have some good months at the end of the job as then you’re more likely to get a good reference – not just for the next job that you take, but the one after….
    Well done for explaining to your brother that he was attacking you. (I must think of you and actually come out and say that next time mommy dearest lays into me with similar stuff.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • My brother and I have a very “interesting” history. As kids, we didn’t exactly get along. He was jealous of me to say the least. As adults, we saw each other maybe once a year or every 2 years, and got along great. Now we are living in the same city, out of complete chance, and there have been some uncomfortable verbal exchanges. I think we both want to get along smoothly, though.

      Good luck with your mom. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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