Apr 16 (Thu): Work 9:30a – 5:30p, Music Practice 6p @Peter’s
So apparently the 1 mg of clonazepam I took last night was much too much for me at that time. Because I have no recollection of having written that doggy love poem. Or sketching the accompanying picture. Or saying Hi to my friend, “Joe”, but I have texts proving that I said hi before I went to sleep.
I went to sleep early and was so out of it, I couldn’t bring myself to brush my teeth or use the toilet, or put on clothes. I just fell asleep. My alarm clock didn’t succeed in getting me out of bed this morning, although I did hear it enough to snooze it three times. Then it was suddenly somewhat late in the morning (11ish?) and I hurriedly got ready for work.
I’m still tired. My intestines seem to have finally normalized again (they’ve been off since days ago when I accidentally ate cheese).
I was very productive at work today. I accomplished everything I needed to get done! And I was able to focus on it the whole time, which is amazing. Now I need to wash the dishes and gather the garbage from all of the different cans.
You guys would be proud of me. Days or more ago, I told “Peter” that I hoped I wasn’t intruding by staying the night again that night, and he said not at all, that he’d be just as happy if I moved in altogether. I didn’t really respond, but I was beaming on the inside.
And guess what. I didn’t do it. If ya’ll know me well enough, I don’t follow through on my own personal boundaries very often or very well. My mind changes and moves with the breeze. Of COURSE I want to move in with “Peter” and his roommate. Of COURSE.
But I’m listening to my inner voice instead. It tells me that we haven’t known each other long enough. It tells me that immediate feelings don’t matter. It tells me that I blanked all red flags with my ex because I was too close with him too quickly. It tells me not to repeat past mistakes. It tells me to move more slowly than is my instinct or desire.
Would it remove some of my current stessors? YES!!!
Would it add new ones I can’t predict until doing it? YES
So instead, I am staying over multiple times a week. Flipping locations is very exhausting for me– that is why I drugged myself to sleep early last night. It’s worth it, but it’s exhausting. I don’t want to fuck this up from being impatient.
Of COURSE I could still find something about him that I cannot live with (or more likely, just don’t want to live with). Then where would I be?
… Oh, but it is fun to think about when I have free moments. I think about how the cats would have to be locked out of the bedroom at all times. I think about how I’d run an air filter in there, and also add the allergen barrier bedding. Where would I put my own belongings – which corner could I claim as my space, so I wouldn’t feel like a guest, but that I belong in one location. My laptop. My clothes. My paperwork file. My backpacks. My books wouldn’t be a problem.
I’m not moving anywhere; it’s just really, really fun to think about the details of it. I much prefer pondering happy thoughts to the old anxiety-provoking thoughts that used to constantly pop into my head.
Anyway, the rest of today will get logged later. Today’s Mood Ranking: 5-6
P.S. Two new-to-me songs I LOVE:
“The Last Watch” by Stan Rogers
“White Squall” by Stan Rogers ((Very Sad)):